Dating Violence: How To Recognize It And Respond To It

Updated October 21, 2024by Regain Editorial Team
Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include abuse which could be triggering to the reader. If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, contact theDomestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7. Please also see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

Love should never hurt

We tend to think of violence as something that happens to other people in other situations. No one wants to believe someone they know is capable of dating violence. However, if you aren't aware of and alert to the signs of dating abuse, you might be putting your well-being or even your life in danger. Knowing how to recognize violent behavior may not be enough. You may also need to learn how to respond to dating violence in safe and effective ways.

What is dating violence?

Dating violence, also called dating abuse or domestic violence, consists of violence, the threat of violence, or attempts to control the other person in a dating relationship. Dating violence is rarely an isolated incident but is almost always a part of an overall pattern of violence and abuse. Such patterns of violence can create a cycle of violence in the relationship. Dating violence has no place in healthy relationships.

Types of dating abuse

Dating abuse can take many forms. It can be physical, emotional, or sexual violence. It can also manifest as attempts to gain control over the dating partner.

Physical violence

Physical violence in a dating relationship is perhaps the easiest kind of abuse to recognize. When someone you're dating physically abuses you, they might hit, punch, shove, kick, slap, pinch, pull your hair, throw objects, push, bite, or shake you. In extreme cases, they might strangle you or use a weapon to frighten you. Even if they pass it off as a form of play, you need to recognize this behavior as a sign of dating violence. Healthy relationships do not involve physical abuse of any kind. 

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse can be more subtle than physical violence, so it's important to stay alert to these signs. When someone abuses you emotionally, they might call you names, be overly jealous, or cruelly make fun of your beliefs, values, or feelings. Abusers tend to isolate their dates from others who could help them. They might lie to you constantly. They might block your way or threaten to harm themselves if you try to leave.

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse is much more common in dating relationships than between strangers or any other type of relationship. In fact, 72% of rapes are perpetrated by an acquaintance or a former romantic partner. If they force you to have sex when you don't want to, it constitutes rape, which is a form of sexual abuse. Making you kiss them or touch them is also abuse, and it may be a prelude to more severe abuse. They might force you to have sex without birth control, and this is also considered dating violence. Consent is an integral part of all healthy relationships. Any sexual behavior without consent is a form of violence, and it can happen to anyone of any gender or sexual orientation. It’s not just prevalent in adult relationships, as sexual abuse can be a form of teen dating violence as well.

Control

Control can be a major feature of dating violence and teen dating abuse, and it often keeps the cycle of violence going. When your dating partner is trying to control you, they might not allow you to spend time with your friends, for example. They may call or text you constantly and get upset if you don’t answer immediately. They might insist on being by your side 100% of the time. They could even go so far as telling you what to wear, how to do your hair, and how to make other everyday choices.

Can you recognize an abuser before dating violence begins?

It can be hard to recognize an abuser before the abuse begins. Yet, there may be a few telltale signs to watch out for to discern healthy relationships from unhealthy ones:

  • Do they abuse drugs or alcohol?
  • Have they been in trouble with the law?
  • Do they fail to do anything productive with their time, such as working or going to school?
  • Do they blame you when things go wrong?
  • Have you seen them abuse others?
  • Do they get angry often?
  • Do they like to 'play rough' with you?
  • Are they constantly asking you for money?
  • Do they accuse you of flirting or cheating?
  • Do they always insist on doing things their way?
  • Do they fail to listen to you, even when you have something important to say?
  • Do they lie to you, even when their lying serves no purpose for them?
  • Do they fail to show up for dates?
  • Do they compare you with former dates they've had?

It can be tempting to ignore these signs if someone you like asks you out. In the moment, you might decide it's worth the risk. However, if you do go out with someone like this, it's even more important to recognize any warning signs of dating violence.

Recognize early signs of dating violence

Be aware of your date's behavior as well as how they make you feel as the date goes on.  Here are some red flags to look for:

Your partner's behavior

If your date displays any signs of dating violence, this is your sign to disengage as soon as you feel safe doing so. You can also watch for other early signs such as:

  • They get violent with others when they're angry.
  • They brag to others that they have control over you.
  • They date other people but don't let you do the same.
  • They seemed obsessed with everything you do.
  • They talk about violent behavior as if it's normal.
  • They get into a lot of fights.
  • They hurt their pets or other animals.
  • They talk about how they're going to get even with someone.
  • They always blame their problems on someone else and never admit responsibility.
  • They think being jealous is a sign of love.

Your feelings around them

Your feelings can provide valuable clues to what kind of relationship you have with a dating partner. Any negative emotions could be a sign of dating violence, so consider trusting your instincts if you feel:

  • Anxious
  • Sad or depressed
  • Afraid of making your dating partner angry
  • Angry but afraid to express it
  • Threatened
  • Afraid of talking about the relationship with friends and family
  • Humiliated
  • Lonely
  • Confused
  • Isolated
  • Helpless
  • Afraid to break up with them
  • Tied down
  • Afraid to make your own decisions
  • Afraid to bring up subjects that might make your date angry
  • Worried about how to please your partner
  • Afraid you'll be hurt worse

Love should never hurt

You may notice that your behavior has changed since you started dating this person. For example, you might find yourself checking in with your partner often to appease them. You may apologize for them or make excuses for their behavior even when you know it was wrong. Your academic or work performance may suffer. You might spend less time with your friends. You could become upset whenever your boyfriend/girlfriend calls or texts. You may begin to avoid friends who have expressed their disapproval of your dating partner.

Why it's hard to get out of a violent relationship

Being aware of dating violence is the first step to ending it. However, just because you recognize your relationship problems doesn't necessarily mean it's easy to solve them. You may be tempted to make excuses for your partner's behavior, dismiss your feelings and intuition, and explain away your need to make a change. If the following phrases come to your mind whenever you consider leaving, you might need to rethink your relationship:

It isn't that bad

No amount or level of abuse is acceptable in a relationship. If you find yourself wondering if you have experienced dating violence, then chances are you have. It could be helpful to keep in mind that abuse doesn’t just stop or become less of a problem. In fact, dating violence usually escalates. 

“They can change"

Abusive partners sometimes do apologize and even beg for forgiveness. They might promise to change the way they behave and start treating you better. This might all sound very appealing if you want to keep dating them. However, consider what you will do if the change never comes, and the abuse keeps happening. 

If someone has abused you, don’t give them the chance to do it again.  If you still want to stay with them, consider taking a break from the relationship until you see signs of real change such as seeing a professional mental health expert, for example. 

“They need me"

If you're a compassionate person, you may be drawn to someone because you feel they need you. That feeling can multiply when you realize that they have certain problems. Even if you are suffering abuse, you may feel bad that they are so damaged they cannot have good relationships. You may not want to become a martyr for the cause of helping your partner get over their problems, though. Instead, a better solution may be suggesting therapy and then stepping back to let them work out their issues.

"It isn't their fault" Or "It's my fault"

If your dating partner has been successful at manipulating your emotions, you may think the abuse is your fault. Don’t fall for this trick. Instead, consider that it’s never a survivor’s fault for being abused. You could also be deceived into thinking that the abuser can’t help their violent tendencies. The opposite is true—it is their responsibility to seek help for any behavior that harms someone else.

"They'll be angry if I leave"

Leaving a violent partner may be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. You might worry they'll be angry and lash out. You may fear for your physical safety or the safety of your loved ones. You may feel stuck in the relationship with no hope of escape. There is help, though. Consider gathering allies who can help you leave without endangering yourself. 

How to respond to dating violence

Once you understand that your partner is abusing you, the next step is to develop a plan of action. Know your options and understand that a better life is possible. When you do, you can be prepared for whatever comes next.

Know your rights

Before you can overcome an abusive relationship, you may need to realize that you deserve better. That will only happen if you are aware of your rights as an individual in a healthy relationship. Within your romantic relationship, you have the following rights:

  • To express yourself freely.
  • To change your mind.
  • To be respected.
  • To take responsibility for only your behavior.
  • To make your own choices. 
  • To spend time with friends.
  • To grow and change as you wish.
  • To not be abused.
  • To fall out of love.
  • To break up.
  • To not be threatened.

Think about your options

Perhaps the best answer for the problem of dating violence is to end the relationship as soon as possible. However, you might not feel ready to take this step right away. Even if you want to leave, your partner might make you feel afraid of leaving too abruptly.

Whether you stay or leave, there are some things you can do to protect yourself in an abusive relationship. For example, think about who you can call if you need help. Consider where you might go if your date leaves you stranded or if you feel you must get away suddenly. Imagine what would happen if a violent situation erupted, and try to prepare for it the best you can.

Talk to someone you trust

Talking to a trusted friend or relative can make you feel safer and more supported. Someone who loves you isn't going to want you to be abused, and they might express their disapproval of anyone who would harm you in any way. You may feel defensive about your partner or your relationship, but consider that someone needs to know what's happening so that they can help you stay safe.

Tell this trusted person about specific incidents of abuse. Express your feelings about your partner, whether they're positive or negative. Tell the person you've chosen to talk to what you're afraid will happen and what plans you've made in case it does happen. Then, keep in contact with them.

Build your support system

Along with one or more trusted people, you may need a larger network of support. Reach out to friends and extended family. Spend time with people who care about you as an individual apart from the dating relationship. Get involved with hobbies or activities. A support group may also be beneficial.

Be prepared to leave

Consider taking practical steps, so you'll be ready if you must leave suddenly. Here are some of the things you can do to prepare:

Set aside money

  • Open a savings account of your own, and don't let your partner know it exists.
  • Leave money with a friend for a quick getaway.
  • Keep enough cash on you for a taxi.

Keep others informed

  • Let people know when and where you're going with your partner.
  • Tell others about incidents of dating violence as soon as possible.

Have some personal items ready to go

  • Put your important papers such as your birth certificate and financial documents in a safe deposit box.
  • Leave extra clothes and other personal items with a friend or family member.
  • Keep work or school necessities somewhere nearby so you can get to it quickly.  

Know if your date is armed

Be aware of whether your boyfriend or girlfriend has a gun, knife, or another weapon on them or in their home. This is not something you want to be surprised with. Plus, if you know your partner has violent tendencies and is armed, you'll know the danger you're facing just by staying in the relationship.

Don't go on long trips alone with them

You might want to avoid going on vacation or another long trip with a partner who's proven to be abusive. In such a circumstance, you could find yourself at their mercy, unable to get help from your friends or family. Avoid the danger by staying home. They may get angry, but at least you’ll have help nearby.

Talk to a counselor

If you’re facing dating violence or have found yourself in a relationship with an abusive partner, a counselor can help. These trained mental health professionals can help you manage your emotions and determine the best course of action in the short and long term.  They can help you understand what is happening and how it can affect you in the long run. In therapy, you can learn skills for independent living, so you can manage on your own even if you have become dependent on your partner. 

People in abusive relationships may find it difficult to reach out for help in person. If your partner is controlling, for example, it could be hard to leave the house without them asking where you’re going. Online counseling may be more accessible under these circumstances. You can access mental health services from your home or anywhere you have an internet connection. Some people also report a web-based therapeutic environment to be more conducive to discussions about sensitive topics, including intimate partner violence. 

Therapy delivered via the internet has also been proven legitimate. One recent study evaluated the use of online interventions for women experiencing intimate partner violence. Researchers found these internet-based methods were just as effective as those employed in person.  The study included over 2,500 participants. 

Takeaway

Dating violence often occurs as a perfect storm of grooming (intentional or unintentional), emotional or mental instability, and manipulation of one party to control the other. Whatever the reason, it can be detrimental to your physical health and safety as well as your mental and emotional wellbeing. Help is available, though. Reach out to one of the compassionate counselors at Regain for the support and guidance you need. It could give you the courage and confidence to move forward towards healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.  

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