Use Couple Therapy Questions To Understand Your Partner
If you’re considering couples therapy or marriage counseling, you may be wondering what types of questions couples encounter during the therapy process. Couples therapy often entails two people asking each other important questions that may be challenging but ultimately lead to a stronger relationship.
One of the most common problems couples run into is seeing each other as "partners" rather than as "people." This can limit a relationship. Couples are made up of two people. That means that if you see your partner as your "other half" and they see you as their "other half," there are two halves unaccounted for. You might know everything there is to know about your partner, but do you know everything there is about that person?
Thinking that you know a person when you know a partner can put your relationship in danger. People grow and change over time, and if you don't really know the person sitting next to you, you could be growing apart. Couples therapy can often help with this.
How couples therapy can help
In fact, some couples begin therapy without noticing a problem and find that it strengthens their relationship, similar to how some people find that their mental health improves from therapy even if they don’t have a diagnosed disorder. Having this kind of attitude may help you find a couples therapist who is right for you before it's too late. It can also help keep couples therapy from seeming like something scary. Couples therapy shouldn't be scary; it can be an exciting process that brings a sense of renewal to your relationship.
Most couples therapy is about learning how to communicate with your partner, similar to how a family therapist aims to enhance communication among all family members. There are different methods and levels of communication. Learning these methods and styles of communication can help you and your partner better understand each other and grow closer together, even if you don't notice a problem.
One way that couples therapy helps you understand communication is by encouraging you and your partner to ask each other questions. Questions can help you with the communication process by helping you delve deeper into what really makes each of you who you are.
Below is a list of common counseling questions with notes on asking them and exploring responses. Some of them are questions that you may not have thought to ask. Others are couples intimacy questions that you have probably discussed, but answers can change over time.
You might look at these marriage counseling questions as a trial rather than as a replacement for couples therapy. If you enjoy these questions or find that asking them and talking about them with your partner strengthens your relationship, consider talking to a couples therapist for even more help.
Couples therapy questions
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
You might have been asked this question at a job interview or while applying to colleges, but has your partner ever asked you this question? Have you ever asked your partner?
What's your plan for the future? What kind of outlook does each of you have for your future, and how will it affect how you live your life together? Knowing what each of you wants for your future may help you understand if you’re on similar paths. If you have different views for your future, it may mean difficulties ahead. That doesn't mean that you and your partner need to have the same life goals, but if you're going to have a future, it may help to have goals that are compatible.
What do we expect in our marriage?
You might think about what you expect for yourself in the marriage and what you want from your partner. Then, you might think about what your partner wants for both of you. This may help you both figure out how to work together to be successful and achieve your goals.
How will we handle finances?
Knowing how the two of you will handle the money that comes in can make a difference in your relationship. Whether one of you will be in charge of all the money or you're both going to split the money 50/50, it can help to communicate to avoid conflict.
These days, as premarital cohabitation becomes increasingly common, more and more couples are skipping questions about how they handled their finances before getting married. However, being married changes your legal status, so it might make sense to ask this question if you skipped over it early in your relationship.
Even if you have asked this question before, it might help to ask it again. Your financial situation can repeatedly change during a relationship.
What does marriage mean to you?
In approaching this question, you might talk to your partner about what the relationship really means for them. Marriage can mean something different to different people. If one of you thinks it's more important than the other does, it could be a problem for the relationship later on.
Further, this question is more nuanced for some couples than it is for others. There are a lot of different reasons that people married. Your religious community, legal status, financial background, and other factors can all change what the marriage means to you, and these factors can change over time. The answer can also change as you go through major life changes, like having children or experiencing death in the family.
What is the role of your in-laws?
If your parents are highly involved in your life, you may want to talk with your partner about how they will influence your relationship. You probably want to make sure that your partner is comfortable with you spending a lot of time with your parents and comfortable with them doing the same.
This question is also important if one or both sets of in-laws want to be particularly involved in your marriage by doing things like helping out financially or offering advice. The roles that in-laws play in a relationship may also change if you have kids or if one of you develops a health concern.
On the other hand, if you and your partner are in middle age or older, you may be having a discussion about an in-law in advanced age moving in with you rather than living alone or in a care home. This can significantly affect the relationship, especially if you don't talk about it until you have to.
Thinking about couples therapy?
If you and your partner are thinking about couples therapy, you might benefit from online therapy. Studies have shown online couples counseling to be just as effective as in-office counseling, and you can engage in therapy from the comfort of your own home. With an online couples counseling platform like Regain, you can talk to a therapist via phone or video chat, and you can contact your therapist in between sessions via in-app messaging.
Takeaway
If you’re thinking about couples therapy, you can use the questions above as a starting point. For more questions to understand your partner better, you can contact a licensed therapist at Regain. You can be matched with a therapist with knowledge and experience helping people navigate challenges at various stages of relationships. Take the first step toward a more fulfilling relationship and reach out to Regain.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What questions are asked in couples therapy?
Various questions are usually asked during couples therapy. These questions are designed to help the therapist better understand the current standing of your relationship.
There are a variety of questions that couples might ask during couples therapy. The following are a few examples:
- Do you trust me?
- Are you seeing someone else? Do you want to?
- What do you love most about me?
- Is there anything you don’t trust about me?
- Are you satisfied with our level of intimacy?
- Do we want to stay together?
- Do we see a future?
- Do you love me?
- Do you know how much I love you?
- Are we willing to make the necessary changes?
- What issues are we facing?
- What issues are the most important?
- Is this a bad phase?
- How do you feel about our relationship?
- Do you want a divorce?
- What do you expect from counseling?
What is the Gottman method in couples therapy?
The Gottman Method of therapy uses sound house theory (a form of behavior therapy) to improve various parts of your relationship, including intimacy, affection, respect, conflict resolution, compassion, and communication. This method has been proven to help individuals in various relationships regardless of social status, background, and sexual orientation.
Many couples therapists prefer the Gottman Method because it can be customized to fit any couple or use case. The method was created by Dr. Julie Schwarz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman, who have a combined 40 years of psychology research experience. Couples who undergo the Gottman method of therapy may find that it has something in common with the Maslow hierarchy of needs. It separates every relationship into nine essential parts from top to bottom, with each part needing to be filled before the next part is filled.
On communication, the method uses a four horsemen analogy to depict the four major causes of communication breakdown in a relationship. These four horsemen are criticism, stonewalling, contempt, and defensiveness. These are the four problems tackled to bridge the communication gap you may be facing in your relationship.
What is the best therapy for couples?
In couples therapy, there is no one answer to which method is best for couples. Each relationship is different depending on the people involved, and the problems they face in their relationship are unique. However, there are some common methods used with couples:
- Imago Relationship Therapy
- The Gottman Method
- Emotionally Focused Therapy
- Solution Focused Therapy
- Narrative Therapy
- Relational Life Therapy
How do I ask for couples counseling?
Couples counseling can be a personal and sensitive subject for many couples. There are various ways you could suggest couples counseling to your partner without putting them off, but it will require you to present the idea to them. Below are some tips to keep in mind as you approach the subject with your partner:
- Don't blame your spouse, as this could be an easy way to set them off. Instead, you can let your spouse know that your decision to see a relationship therapist is because you believe the both of you need it to sort out any concerns you might have. Reassure your partner and help them understand that you still love them and want your relationship to work.
- Be honest about issues bothering you and let them know the things that you are struggling with. This may help your partner be more empathetic toward you and see why you should sign up for couples therapy.
- Don’t feel shy or ashamed because you are suggesting therapy. It is a normal thing most couples do when they encounter roadblocks that they cannot surmount themselves.
- Do not become defensive if they become defensive. If they get defensive, you can help them understand that you are not blaming them for the problems in your relationship. This may help you to de-escalate any tension and prevent your discussion from getting heated.
Do unmarried couples go to counseling?
Couples therapy is not solely for married couples. This question is frequently asked by couples in long-term relationships who are not married.
If you are unmarried and are having problems in your relationship, you can seek a couples therapist to help you navigate your current problems. Any couple going through challenging times can find a way to work through it by visiting a therapist regardless of their marital status. You can join the 44% of other couples who already seek counseling annually in the US.
Do marriage counselors ever suggest divorce?
Therapists usually aim to facilitate communication and help couples reach their own conclusions. For this reason, marriage counselors don’t usually suggest divorce, even if it is a possibility.
A divorce will only happen if both parties involved in the counseling believe that is the only solution they see. The main aim of a couples counselor is to bridge the communication gap between both parties in the relationship and help them find their way back to each other.
What should I expect from my first couples therapy session?
Couples counseling is a big step in most relationships. It takes a lot for most couples to agree that they need external help to work through their problems. Your first therapy session will likely require you to answer questions and open up to your therapist. You can expect to talk about details of your relationship with your therapist. Your therapist will likely want to know the challenges you are facing with your partner and what you think is the cause of your concerns.
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