My Ex Keeps Texting Me: Should I Talk To My Ex?

Updated July 08, 2020

You and your ex broke up a few months ago, but now they are texting you. Part of you wants to respond, but the other part of you remembers all the reasons you broke up. Does this sound familiar? If you are asking yourself, “Should I talk to my ex?” Here are some suggestions on how to manage the situation.

Should I Text My Ex Back?

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While it is not polite to ignore a text from some, you need to consider why your ex might be texting you and the reasons why you broke up in the first place.

If you have had a friendly relationship with your ex and continue to talk to your ex on a regular basis, then it is acceptable to text them back. Sometimes people break up because they know they are not meant to be in a dating relationship, and that you were better off as friends.

As friends, it is fine to send a text to your ex and casually ask what is going on in their life occasionally. They can do the same. If you are not texting your ex more than you are texting your friends and family, there is no reason why you should not continue to be friendly.

However, the conversation should just be friends. If you end up in a position where your mutual texting becomes more of a romantic nature or has sexual undertones, you need to evaluate if you should send a text back. The difference between a partner talking to you and an ex talking to you is significant.

As a partner, you may suggest plans for the weekend or looking forward to seeing each other at night. As an amicable ex, texting conversations should never cross a line into sexting.

What If My Ex Was Abusive And Starts Texting Me?

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When someone was physically, mentally, or sexually abusive, it is essential to get away and stay away. If you got out of an abusive relationship, you should be happy that you escaped and never look back. Should your ex start texting you, it is recommended that you do not respond. You do not want to engage in conversations with an abuser. Block them if necessary.

When your abusive ex starts texting you, they most likely want to get back together with you. This can be a very dangerous situation for you. No matter how much they say they have changed, and that they are sorry, someone who was abusive will always go back to being abusive.

Unless they went through significant counseling and treatments, it is best not to respond to your ex’s texts. When your ex texts you, also think about how they treated you before reading what they sent you. While it is best to block your ex and eradicate them from your life, there are some instances where blocking is not an option.

For instance, if you have a child together, and your ex has visitation or scheduled time with your child, you will need to maintain some connection with them. But keep in mind, that connection is solely for the sake of your child. If any conversation requires more than one or two amicable texts back and forth to complete the discussion, there is a good chance your ex is trying to get back into your life. You should not fall for it.

Sometimes in these situations, it is best to have a mediator set up a “child exchange” in a public place. This will help you to minimize contact with your ex and avoid having to engage in communications. The mediator can tell you or your ex if there are any issues the other needs to know about before your departure. Things like:

  • If your child is sick.
  • If there was a behavior issue.
  • If there is homework that needs to be done.
  • If a future meeting date or time needs to be adjusted.

What If My Ex Texts And I Want To Get Back Together With Them?

If you never got over your ex and they start texting you that they miss you, as well, you need to take into consideration why you broke up in the first place.

  • Was someone unfaithful in the relationship?
  • Was there a dispute that neither of you could get past?
  • Did you not want children, and they did?
  • Did you want to get married, and they did not?
  • Was there outside tension that interfered with your relationship and made it hard to stay together?

There can be dozens of reasons that you separate in the first place. The big question that needs to be asked is, can you come to a common-grounds decision where you will both be happy.

Resuming communications via text maybe your ex’s way of testing the waters. Perhaps they just miss the friendship you had that brought you together in the first place. Maybe your ex wants you to miss them as much as they miss you. Your ex may want to see if you have already moved on and are in another relationship. Perhaps the breakup was sudden or abrupt, and they simply need closure. Do not forget that your ex may have had a few drinks and could be drunk texting you for a late-night booty call. These texts typically do not end well when responded to; if it’s late at night and your ex is texting you, ignoring it until the morning may be the best option.

Whatever the reason, you need to decide where you want the relationship to go before you engage in any conversations. Then you need to be straight with them and ask what their intentions are for the future. What you think they are saying via text message and what they are actually feeling could be two very different things.

My Ex Is Texting Me, And I Don’t Want To Give Mixed Signals.

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If your ex is texting and you have moved on, you need to be straight with them. It is okay to occasionally respond to a text from an ex, but you need to make it clear that you are in a relationship with someone new and are happy (if you are, in fact, content).

The last thing you want to do is lead your ex on and give them false hope. If they are trying to make amends and still have feelings for you and you have no desire to reunite, then you cannot maintain a texting relationship.

Your ex is your ex for a reason, and you need to state how you feel and what you expect in the future. Here are some examples of how you should respond to a message from your ex.

Example One:
If your ex texts, “It was great seeing you yesterday. I forgot how much I missed your smile,” an appropriate response may be, “It was nice seeing you too. My new person mentioned how nice you were. They always try to find the good in every situation. I hope you find someone who makes you as happy as they make me.”

This response is not rude but lets your ex know that you have moved on and are happy.

Example Two:

Your ex texts you, “I heard our song on the radio, and it made me think of all the great times we had together. I miss you” This is a conversation that you need to shut down. Your ex clearly is having feelings for you, either short or long term. If you have no desire to get back together, leading them on will not help anyone. Perhaps respond with, “Yes, that was a great song. However, we broke up for “x,y,z” reasons, and we both know our relationship is over.” While you are responding politely, you are also getting straight to the point. You broke up for significant reasons, and you separated at an impasse. You have moved on, and they need to, as well.

Example Three:

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Your ex texts you, “I cannot stand being apart. Breaking up was the biggest mistake I ever made. I do not think I can live another day without you.” This type of text shows that your ex regrets breaking up with you. If you have moved on, then you cannot leave the door open at all for future interactions. It will only be leading them on. This response may be the best course of action. “You know why we broke up. That has not changed. It may help to talk to a counselor to remember the reasons why we shouldn’t be together.” Your response is brief and suggests that they talk to an expert about their mental state.

Should I See A Counselor After I Break Up With My Ex?

While most people can break up, be sad for a little while, and then move on with their lives, some people get stuck where they stand and cannot move forward. In these situations, like the one in example three above, the ex should seek out in-person or online counseling to deal with their emotions. Clearly, they are not over the relationship and are having strong feelings about not being able to live without you. The reality of it is, breakups are hard, but they are also not impossible to overcome. The licensed mental health providers at ReGain can help them remember why you broke up in the first place and help them to find healthy ways to channel their heartache. In time, your ex will move on and find someone better suited for them, just like you have already done.


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