Thinking About Saving Your Marriage? 11 Tools For Working On Your Relationship
It happens to the best of couples. Your marriage may have lasted several years, but now it seems that you have grown apart, and your marriage is on the rocks. If you are thinking about fighting hard and wondering how to save a marriage instead of giving up and filing for divorce, you need to make sure that you remember some important things throughout the process.
Can my marriage be saved?
With about half of all marriages ending in divorce, you may be wondering if your marriage can be saved at all. The bottom line is that as long as you and your spouse still love each other, respect each other, and want to make it work, your marriage is not beyond saving. You can reclaim your good marriage again. However, some things are indications that your marriage cannot or should not be saved. For example, abuse cannot be tolerated, whether physical, emotional, or mental.
If you are experiencing domestic violence, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 800 799-SAFE (7233).
Things to remember while saving a marriage
There are many things that you need to remember when working to save a marriage.
It's the little things
Your spouse must feel that you care for them and think they are special regularly. It is often easy to make your spouse feel appreciated and loved. Little things can make a difference, like putting a note in their briefcase or lunch, sending a text in the middle of the day, telling them “thank you” for doing something that made your life easier, or a gentle touch in passing while you are taking care of dinner. These little things all add up to more connections between you and your spouse and will pave the road back to a healthy marriage.
Practice compassion when communicating
Some psychologists believe that about 60 percent of conflict in a marriage never gets resolved. It is not whether these conflicts are resolved that determines the strength of marriage but how each partner reacts to that conflict. Married couples who fight nicely, using active listening, and practice compassion in dealing with one another have a higher chance of a successful and happy marriage.
Share personal conversations
Couples may think that they are communicating, but often communication boils down to maintaining the household. One of the best ways on how to save your marriage is to have effective communication. An example of effective communication in marriage is by having conversations with your spouse that have nothing to do with finances, the household, or the children, if you have any. Your conversations can be about nearly anything, but they should be personal to you and your spouse and open the door for a more emotional and understanding connection.
Celebrate the good
Novelty, variety, and surprise
These three things can be the cure for the boredom and normalcy that years of marriage can bring. When your marriage seems monotonous and dull, you need to throw in some new and exciting experiences with your spouse. You can go to a concert together, attend a festival, go away on a romantic holiday on a whim, or spice things up in the bedroom. Whatever activities you and your spouse can find to do that you can enjoy and find exciting together are the keys to saving a marriage.
Remember that love is not enough
To save your marriage, you have to remember that just because you love your spouse and they love you does not mean that you can have a healthy and satisfying marriage and relationship. Love alone is not enough, even in a healthy marriage. Every relationship takes a conscious effort on both sides. You will not be able to save your relationship through love or by loving each other more. You must learn how to communicate effectively and cope with conflict in a healthy way.
Communication is key
Communication is of the utmost importance when you are trying to save your relationship and save a marriage. You and your spouse need to communicate on a deep and meaningful level to save what you have left. If communication is something that you and your spouse seem to be lacking, you can work on these things with a marriage therapist or marriage counselor. Marriage books can help, too, if you want a good place to start.
Find common ground
You and your spouse were attracted to one another at the beginning of your relationship. What were those reasons? Think back and talk together to discover some of the things you did have in common and that you still have in common. People change and grow over time, and your interests and goals for life may have changed. Talk together and find common ground in these changes.
Give yourself space
When you are fighting for your marriage, you might think that you need to focus solely on your relationship and focus all of your attention on your spouse. But this can be a huge mistake and one of the ways marriages can fail. To save a marriage, you need to care for yourself and give yourself space to decompress and be you. Take some time to do something on your own, like getting a manicure or massage or having a night out with friends.
Forgiveness is key
As already mentioned, many conflicts that arise within marriage are never fully resolved. It is important to forgive your spouse for any of their transgressions or the conflict between you. You don't necessarily want to forget the incident because remembering will help you prevent it from happening again. But forgiveness and moving on from the conflict is important for salvaging your relationship.
Mutual respect is important
You and your partner need to have mutual respect for one another, even when arguing or amid conflict. Make sure that you come out of this argument with an intact marriage. Mutual respect goes far beyond this as well. It is simple things like letting your spouse know when you will be running late for dinner.
Things to do to save your marriage
Here are some things that you can do to help save your relationship.
Express love in a way your partner will find loving
Everyone experiences love, affection, and connection in a different way. What shows you that your spouse loves you may not be the same way your spouse feels your love. You need to discover what makes your spouse feel loved, cared for, and special, then make an effort to give them those things whenever possible to save a marriage.
Be affectionate
One of the best pieces of relationship advice is that you must try to be affectionate with your partner, even when you are not sexually intimate. Just the occasional touch, kiss, hug, or holding hands can help you and your spouse feels more connected emotionally.
Be mindful
When you are spending time with your partner, do so mindfully. This means that you should be present at the moment, not thinking about the past or future. Be in the moment with your partner, communicating with them, or spending time with them in a natural and relaxed way.
Go back to what you know
Life often gets in the way of doing the things we once enjoyed doing with our partners. Instead of worrying about things being in a rut and humdrum boring, you can go back to what you and your spouse already know works for you. Get back into old activities that you enjoy together, even if it means you must save up money to accomplish them.
Get help
If you and your spouse are trying to save your relationship and find common ground, it can be helpful to see a marriage counselor or marriage therapist. These licensed and experienced professionals can help you pinpoint what needs to be done to save your relationship. They can help you with communication issues, intimacy problems, and other marital conflicts.
Researchers have found that stress plays a big role in contributing to marital dissatisfaction, possibly because the energy required for handling stressful times depletes the energy required to maintain a good marital relationship. In addition to helping with marital concerns, such as improving communication, counselors can also help teach ways to better manage stress.
Getting professional help should not add to your list of stressors. Studies have found that online counseling is just as effective as in-person therapy in most situations. Regain online counseling makes it easy, letting you receive guidance from the comfort and safe space of your home on a convenient schedule for you using online tools. And the cost of Regain counseling is less than in-person for many people.
Takeaway
Even the best of relationships still experience their ups and downs. If you are experiencing marital problems and want to try to save your marriage, there is help. Contact a Regain relationship therapist to start strengthening your marriage today.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How do I know if my marriage is worth saving?
If you believe that you can save a marriage, there’s no harm in trying. Many couples give up on their relationships before they’re tried remedying the problems causing the breakdown of the relationship in the first place. But how do you know if it’s worth saving? You can look for some things to determine if you have a good marriage you should be fighting for.
One thing you should ask yourself is whether you’re doubtful about leaving. If thinking of your spouse brings up those good times and that you would miss them, then there is a chance you can back to that happy marriage. You need to figure out what problems are causing you to drift apart and find a way to fix them.
If you have a conversation with your spouse and they seem genuinely interested in trying to make things work, then there is a chance you can save a marriage. To save the marriage, you may want to seek a marriage therapist or consult some marriage books to help you out. There are many ways marriage can be saved if both parties put in the effort.
The problems that could be making the two of you drift apart may not have anything to do with the relationship at all. One of the things people come to believe is that there has to be something better somewhere else if there are problems in their marriage, so they divorced. What they don’t realize is that those same problems will make an appearance in the future because they haven’t discovered how to fix those problems in their previous relationship. To save money on getting divorced and see what you can do by talking to a relationship expert.
How do you know when your marriage is really over?
Everyone’s relationship is different, so there is no set rule on when a marriage is really over. However, there are some signs you can look for if you are wondering how to save the marriage you have left. For many, once they see a combination of these signs, it might just be too late.
- You’re already having an affair, and you’re not willing to end things.
- You can never get the undivided attention from your spouse when you need it.
- Every interaction with your spouse leaves you constantly drained.
- You don’t respect your spouse and/or feel respected in return.
- You refuse to apologize for anything.
- You’re keeping secrets from one another.
This list is not exhaustive, so there are other things to consider when examining your relationship. You may want to seek the advice of a marriage therapist to see if there’s anything you can do or if it’s too late.
How do I fix myself to save my marriage?
Realizing that you may be the source of the problems in your marriage is a good sign of self-reflection and that you are willing to change. It’s one of the best ways to save your marriage. That can be the biggest step you take, as “fixing” yourself is a sign that you care about your relationship and want to make it work. Your spouse will definitely notice and may even start the change along with you. Trying to change the other person will only lead to resentment.
It does take a lot of time and attention to discover what you can change about yourself. A relationship expert can help you, too, to discover how you can make improvements in your reactions to certain situations and the words you use.
Why is moving out the biggest mistake in a divorce?
Many of the relationship advice sources out there will tell you that moving out of the marital home during a divorce is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. This is because it can be difficult to get back in. Your ex-spouse’s attorney will consider your actions as abandoning the family, which makes things more difficult. Even if you’re feeling pressured to leave, there is no obligation to do so if your name is on the lease or mortgage of the marital home.
When should you walk away from your marriage?
You should definitely walk away from your marriage if you are in danger of experiencing abuse or physical harm. Your physical and emotional health are higher priorities than trying to make your relationship work. So it may be best to stop asking yourself, “how can I save my marriage” and walk away from it altogether.
Some elements of your relationship that you should pay attention to are your current emotional state, whether you are stuck in emotional loops, and what role you play in the relationship dynamic. If you are in a heightened emotional state, you shouldn’t consider making rash decisions, such as leaving. It is a choice that should be made after long and careful consideration.
Emotional loops are habits that form in relationships that need to be broken. It may feel like you have the same arguments repeatedly and think that is a reason to walk away, but you could be stuck in an emotional loop, which is easier to break through therapy.
Lastly, it would help if you understand how your own actions in the relationships could be causing things to break down. There are two people in a relationship, so two people are involved with things being rocky. Do your part to understand what problems you could be creating and change your behavior patterns. You may notice your partner starting to reciprocate and change for the better as well.
What are the signs of an unhappy marriage?
Why do marriages fail after 30 years?
Can one spouse save a marriage?
How do I accept my marriage is over?
How do you rebuild a broken marriage?
How do you know if your marriage is still worth fighting for?
What activities can couples do to reignite the spark in their marriage?
How can marriage still be saved without any trust in it?
Why is communication very important in marriage?
Is it possible to have a loveless marriage?
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