Exploring The Benefits Premarital Counseling Books Can Provide
Many couples may be intrigued by the idea of premarital counseling to strengthen their bond before tying the knot, but working directly with a therapist isn’t an option due to scheduling, finances, or other reasons. Read on to learn how premarital counseling books can provide numerous benefits, helping you and your fiancé build a robust, healthy relationship that becomes a thriving, enduring marriage.
What is premarital counseling?
Premarital counseling is a branch of couples therapy that helps engaged couples get to know each other better before the wedding. This therapy is solution-focused and intended to help both partners navigate discussions about the crucial aspects of merging their lives with the support and guidance of a mental health professional.
Does premarital counseling build stronger marriages?
Studies show that couples who participate in premarital counseling experience a significantly lower divorce rate than their counterparts who don't consult a professional prior to getting married. Usually, couples who underwent premarital counseling start their marriage on the same page. This can increase relationship satisfaction because partners enter their shared life with more realistic expectations. Open, honest communication and compromise are often woven into the fabric of successful, long-term relationships.
How premarital counseling books can strengthen your marriage
Sometimes, working with a premarital counselor isn’t an option. In that case, consider using premarital counseling books to inform you of the topics you and your fiancé should discuss as you deepen your bond and prepare to entwine your lives together.
Putting you both on the same wavelength about crucial issues
One of the primary purposes of premarital counseling is to help you and your fiancé get on the same page about the issues that matter most to both of you. From whether and when you want to have children to how much debt you both have, you should know an array of things about your partner before getting married.
Learning how to communicate your needs and emotions
Compromise and communication are generally the foundation upon which healthy, solid marriages are built. Premarital counseling can equip you with the tools to express what you need and feel to your partner, allowing them to provide the care and support you need. Neither of you can read the other's mind, and effective communication goes both ways. You may also learn about your partner's love language and how to help them feel seen, understood, and loved. Studies show that communication skills can impact relationship satisfaction.
Questions you may want to ask
- Is there anything that shuts down communication for you?
- What do you need to feel loved, understood, and valued?
- Can we develop a code word for when we need time and aren't ready to talk yet? This can help you both know you're walking away from the situation, not the relationship.
- How can I help when you've had a rough day or are in a bad mood?
- When you talk to me about problems in your life, do you want me to listen or help you brainstorm solutions?
Plan realistic expectations for married life
For many people, expectations and reality rarely meet. Marriage can be the same if you don’t take the time to set realistic expectations for your partner and for what your married life will be like. Ensure you both know what the other needs and wants from a relationship and how to love them the way they need to be loved.
Questions you may want to ask
- Do you want children? If so, when?
- How do you want to raise those children? Discuss discipline, guidance, parenting style, religion, and other topics you think could cause a conflict.
- How will household chores and other roles in your shared life be divided?
Talking about how you want to face and solve problems together
How are you going to handle your conflicts? Premarital counseling can help you identify potential problem areas and develop practical coping and conflict-resolution skills so you work through your problems together rather than seeing each other as adversaries.
Offering guidance on which topics you should discuss before marriage
Premarital counseling books can offer guidance on essential topics you should discuss before marriage.
Topics premarital counseling books suggest covering:
- Communication and expressing yourself to your partner
- Identifying potential areas of compatibility and conflict
- Childhood and early life experiences
- Family history and members
- Finances and future plans
- Children and parenting
- Expectations for your partner and married life
- The timeline for your marriage
- Career plans
- Retirement plans
- Dreams and ambitions
- How to resolve conflicts
Learning about each other’s past, emotional hang-ups, and boundaries
Premarital counseling books can help you and your fiancé discuss meaningful past experiences in your history, explain emotional hang-ups that may cause future issues, discuss potential or diagnosed mental and physical health problems, and express your sexual boundaries, expectations, proclivities, and curiosities.
Discuss your financial status, debt, and plans for merging finances
Once you get married, your life isn’t just yours anymore. Your fiancé will be taking on shared financial responsibility for your wedded bliss, and they deserve to know about substantial debts, your history and habits with money, and other issues that could occur so you can plan how to handle things with the least amount of conflict and disruption to your lives.
Questions you may want to ask
- Who will be responsible for physically paying the bills and balancing your accounts?
- How will the financial obligations be split? While 50/50 seems fair, it may only fit some situations.
- Does either of you have substantial debt, such as student loans, credit cards, or bankruptcies on your credit report?
- What are your future plans, such as when or if to purchase a home, car, or other major item? How will those decisions be made?
- When do you both want to retire? What are your plans for saving that money?
- What do you prefer for spending vs. saving? Differences in habits can lead to conflicts.
Helping you think about how your life will change after marriage
Premarital counseling books can help you and your fiancé by providing the framework that allows you to think about how your lives will change after getting married. When you have a realistic, practical idea of what it will be like to be married to your fiancé for the rest of your life, you may be more satisfied and face less disappointment with your spouse.
How to use premarital counseling books
While premarital counseling books are intended to serve as preparation for working with a licensed therapist and are not themselves considered therapy, they can help you and your partner shape your conversations.
Read one book at a time—together
If you’re reading premarital counseling books, tackle them one at a time, reading them with your partner and stopping to discuss anything that stands out to you or brings up a related thought. Take notes if that helps you organize your thoughts.
How premarital counseling can help you build a stronger marriage
Premarital counseling helps many couples learn crucial information about each other before getting married so they can walk down the aisle with realistic expectations, prepared to put in the work to build a life together. If you’ve recently gotten engaged, consider working with an online therapist through a virtual therapy platform focused on relationship issues like Regain. Participating in couples counseling together before getting married can help you develop practical plans for navigating conflicts in your relationship, learn how to communicate with each other, and establish an achievable vision of your married life.
Therapy can be hard to fit into a busy schedule, and doubly so when there are two of you to consider. Studies show that online couples therapy and premarital counseling work as well as in-person treatments, often with lower costs, shorter wait times, and a substantially wider selection of treatment providers. You shouldn’t have to work with a therapist who doesn’t make you and your fiancé comfortable or isn’t a good fit for your needs and personalities. Teletherapy platforms make connecting with another licensed therapist simple if your first match isn't a good one.
Takeaway
Premarital counseling books can be an excellent resource to help you and your fiancé navigate the challenging discussions you should have before getting married so you both go into your shared life with sensible expectations, prepared to compromise when necessary. This article offers insight into the various benefits of reading premarital counseling books with your fiancé and how couples therapy before marriage can strengthen your relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What questions do they ask in premarital counseling?: There’s usually a list of questions counselors ask about marriage before it starts. Premarital counseling may seem like a strange thing to consider since there aren’t really any problems yet, but it can never hurt a relationship. Here are some of the more important questions that are asked during premarital counseling:
- What do you appreciate the most about your partner and your relationship?
- What does sex mean for you and your partner?
- How are you going to handle your finances together?
- In married life, how are you going to resolve conflicts?
- How will you handle your relationships with your families?
- Are you on the same page about having children?
These may be questions you’d never considered before married life, so it’s a good environment to bring these concerns into the open.
What is discussed in premarital counseling?: Even with all the counseling books at your side, it never hurts to get the opinion of an expert working in premarital counseling. Even marriage before it starts can have some issues that you’d never considered before. The purpose of the counseling session is to serve as a premarital guide so you can have some expectation of what’s going to happen during your marriage. Marriage expectations and beliefs will be brought to the table by both parties, such as what they expect the structure of the marriage to be.
Analyzing the pasts of married couples will also raise some issues that may come up in the future. Knowing where your partner is coming from, you’ll know what to expect and how to react appropriately to any challenges that come up in the future. Premarital counseling can take care of these concerns before they become too great.
Discussing money is another issue that premarriage couples never really consider. They’re convinced that in married life, everything is just going to be 50/50, but this kind of expectation can lead to regret and anger in the future. It’s better to be realistic about your financial situation than to pretend as if it won’t cause problems.
Lastly, your counseling session will talk about... talking. Communication in marriage is extremely important, so knowing how you’re going to talk to each other when problems arise sets the road for what to expect. Are you accusatory by nature? Do you like pointing the finger at your partner? Well, you’re going to have to give that up. A premarital guide is created during a counseling session, as it builds the foundation that you and your spouse will live by.
How long should you go to premarital counseling?: There is no solid commitment as to how long pre-marriage counseling should take. If you’re ready for marriage, then it may take less time than you need. On average, most pre-marriage couples will attend about eight to ten sessions (once a week) to ensure that the couple is ready for married life. The couple must be committed to the process instead of seeing it as a chore every week because this can create problems for the marriage before it starts.
What should premarital counseling cover?: Premarital counseling discusses the elements of marriage before it starts. It can signal whether a couple is ready for marriage or not; this doesn’t mean that they should instantly break up if they’re not ready. But it may be a good idea to delay things until both parties are sure. Communication in marriage is key, so getting out everything beforehand will pave the way for a bright future together, especially in the first year of marriage. In fact, married couples who attended premarital counseling had a 30% higher marital success rate than those who didn’t attend one.
What is the point of premarital counseling?: Premarital counseling is designed to improve your abilities for communication in marriage, develop conflict-resolution options when problems arise, and set realistic expectations for what married life is going to be like. Marriage, before it starts, can end up becoming a rocky situation if these important points aren’t covered beforehand. Married couples may think that everything will flow smoothly once they’re married, but the exact opposite is true. Without a premarital guide in place, the spouses are left with no roadmap on navigating their own relationship. Being ready for marriage is not the same as being ready for marriage and all the baggage that comes with it.
What questions should ask before marriage?: Even before your first year of marriage, there are questions you should have asked your spouse-to-be before the big day. You should know what you’re getting into beforehand so that you’re not suddenly surprised with problems that you’re not equipped to handle. Good communication before marriage will lead to good communication in marriage as well. Some of these questions include:
- Do you have any current debt, and how do you plan to deal with future debt?
- Do you think couples should have conversations about major purchases, or should one person make the decision?
- Do you want children, and how many?
- What are the options if we have difficulty conceiving?
- What are your religious beliefs?
- How do you tackle obstacles in your life?
No matter what year of marriage you’re in, these concerns can pop up at any moment. Although this is only a shortlist of questions, they can inspire more detailed questions you should be asking your spouse-to-be before you consider yourself ready for marriage.
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