My Angry Husband Blames Me For Everything: How To Improve Your Marriage
Updated March 16, 2020
Reviewer Karen Devlin, LPC
Remember what you thought marriage was going to be like? You probably imagined an amazing life that you would be sharing with your husband. He would be sweet to you, and you would feel loved. He would be your best friend, and even though there would be some tough times (at least everyone warned you there would be), the two of you would get through them together. Fast forward to your current reality, and it's anything but what you imagined. The fairytale bubble has been burst. Instead of dreaming of a wonderful life together, you're left thinking, "My angry husband blames me for everything."
If you find yourself in this situation, there's likely a mix of emotions that you experience from one minute to the next. You may feel angry that you're constantly getting blamed. Or, you may feel guilty and ashamed that you do so much wrong in your marriage that your husband is constantly upset. You may feel sad that your marriage isn't what you thought it would be. And, you may feel responsible for making it that way.
It can be a confusing situation to navigate through, but there are tips below to help you understand why it happens and what you can do about it.
Why Your Husband Blames You
There are a lot of different reasons why your husband may be blaming you for everything. Start by taking an honest look at your behavior. Are you doing the things that he's accusing you of? Is there something that you could do to change the situation? If so, then own up to your mistakes, take responsibility, and make the necessary changes to improve your relationship.
But, if you take an honest look at the situation and realize that he's blaming you for things that are actually his responsibility or things that are outside of your control, then don't allow his blame to cause you to feel guilty and keep reading.
Your husband may suffer from low self-esteem even if he comes across as overly confident. If he's constantly unsure of himself, it can be difficult for him to want to admit when he's made a mistake. He could be afraid of appearing foolish in front of you or others. So, instead of taking responsibility, he finds a way to justify pinning it on someone else.
He Has A Personality Disorder
Some personality disorders, such as Narcissist Personality Disorder. Someone that's living with NPD can struggle with any form of criticism. If they feel that they're going to be blamed for something or that they did something wrong, they could try to blame you to protect their inflated ego.
NPD is diagnosable and treatable as a mental health challenge. While he may come across as strong and confident, underneath it all, he's fighting to keep it all together because he's secretly insecure. This doesn't excuse his behavior towards you, but if you both understand where it's coming from, it allows you to handle it effectively with treatment.
He's Emotionally Abusive
Not all abuse is physical. If your husband struggles with high levels of anger and is always blaming you for things that aren't your fault, you could be dealing with an emotionally abusive husband. There are many different reasons why people become emotionally abusive, but you need to understand that it's not OK.
Emotional abuse causes a lot of pain and can be difficult for marriages to overcome. However, with the right treatment and changes, it is possible.
How It Feels To Be Blamed
When your husband first starts blaming you for things, there are a few different responses that you might have had.
- Anger - You may have been incredibly angry that he was trying to blame you for things that weren't your fault. If you felt this way, there's a good chance that it ended in an argument between the two of you. He wouldn't admit it was his fault and you refused to take responsibility for it because you didn't do anything wrong.
- Hurt - You can't seem to understand why he continues to blame you for things. It seems like he always thinks the worst of you, and you can't seem to do anything to change the situation.
- Guilty - When your husband blames you for things, you might think it is your fault. You could feel that your husband knows better than you or if you struggle with low self-esteem and feeling like you're never enough then it might make sense to you that everything he blames you for really is your fault.
What To Do When You're Getting Blamed For Everything
If you're being blamed for everything, you mustn't personalize it. If you're not doing things wrong, it's not your responsibility to own your husband's blame. Doing so can be a big blow to your self-esteem. If you allow yourself to believe what he's saying, eventually you will begin to blame yourself as well. This can hurt your sense of self-worth and value. Here are some things that you can do instead:
Take Responsibility If It's Yours For The Taking
Once again, if the things your husband is blaming you for are your fault, admit it. You'll probably need to start by admitting it to yourself if you're used to denying it. But, after that, it's important to admit it to your husband. In this case, the damage done to your marriage could be your responsibility, and you'll need to take action to improve it.
However, don't jump to this step just because your husband said it's your fault. Make sure you can see the situation for what it is. Sometimes getting an outside perspective, like that of a therapist, can help see the true picture.
Talk To Your Husband
The first step to try, if you haven't already, is to talk to your husband. There is a chance that he doesn't realize that he's doing it. In this case, a simple conversation could correct the behavior and help to right your marriage ship.
However, if you've tried this route before and he acts like he understands but then refuses to make any changes, it's time to take further action.
If you know that you're not responsible for what your husband is blaming you for, then stop apologizing. You may be in the habit of doing this because you've found in the past that it can help to smooth things over. But, if you keep apologizing, you're going to keep getting blamed.
Now, this doesn't mean stop apologizing for everything. If you've done something wrong, then you must take responsibility. But, if it's something your husband is blaming you for that you didn't' do or have control over, stop apologizing. Don't take responsibility for something that is not your fault.
If your husband is used to getting away with this type of behavior, it's time to let him know that it's not OK with you any longer. It's time to set boundaries. It's your job to let your husband know what you will and won't accept in your marriage.
You don't have to do this in a mean or aggressive way. But you do need to be firm about it. Then, once you set boundaries, you need to make sure that you stick to them.
Talk To A Therapist
Being constantly blamed for everything is exhausting. It leaves you feeling many different ways and can leave you unsure about what you should do. If you're in this place, talking to a therapist can help you figure out what direction to move in.
A licensed therapist can help you see if the behavioral problem is yours, or if it's your husband's problem. If the problem is his, it still leaves you having to decide what you want to do about it. They can help you learn strategies to use to improve your relationship or help you see if it's time for you to walk away, like in the case of emotional abuse.
Being constantly blamed by your angry husband can leave you with low self-esteem and plenty of self-doubts. A therapist can also help you learn how to build your confidence and self-esteem. You may not be able to control your husband's behavior, but you can learn to control the power that he has over you and your response and reaction to his behavior.
If you're interested in talking to a therapist today, contact ReGain to find an online therapist to work with.