How To Choose The Best Marriage Counselor For Your Relationship

If your marriage is under strain, it’s often a good idea to seek therapy to help you and your partner work through your differences. But deciding to get help is only the first step. You’ll also need to find a couples therapist with the skill, empathy, and objectivity to guide you through the challenging work ahead. How can you choose the best marriage counselor for you and your spouse?

You can often begin by searching online for the combination of credentials and experience you’re after. Asking for referrals from trusted individuals in your social circles could be another good way to find candidates. Once you’ve located a therapist, you can ask a few key questions about their professional background and treatment approach to see if they’re a good fit for you and your spouse.

Talk to your spouse about what kind of help you need

Before you start actively searching for a marriage counselor, you may want to have a conversation with your partner about what exactly you’re looking for. Research suggests that couples therapy often works better when spouses are on the same page about what problems they’re trying to solve. Agreeing about the most pressing issues may help you engage with the process and achieve better results. 

You might think it’s obvious what’s having the biggest effect on your relationship, but there’s no guarantee your husband, wife, or life partner feels the same way. Marriage therapists often begin treatment only to find that both parties are convinced the problem is 100% due to the other person. It’s likely a good idea to have at least a short conversation about what you hope to resolve through counseling. 

It’s possible that your assessment of your problems may shift in the course of therapy. Still, deciding where you want to start can make it much easier to choose the best couples counselor for you.

Search online based on your needs

The Internet has transformed the way many couples seek help with their marriages, and many experts suggest starting your search online. This lets you filter your results based on the specific challenges your relationship is facing. 

Try searching for “marriage counselor” plus some relevant terms such as:

• Emotional distance
• New parents
• Infertility
• Cheating/Affairs/Infidelity
• Addiction
• Mental health/Depression/Anxiety
• Family/In-laws
• Sexuality/Intimacy
• Finances
• Parenting conflicts

Many counselors have specialized training and/or experience dealing with one or more of these challenges. Even if you don’t see the issue you’re having on the list above, it may still be worth including it in your search.

It might also be helpful to look for a therapist who’s compatible with you and your partner as clients. For instance, you could search for LGBTQ couples counseling, or for a practitioner whose therapeutic approach is informed by a specific religious or spiritual perspective.

Consider looking for a specific evidence-based treatment

“Couples counseling” can encompass a wide range of different treatment methods, some of which have more evidence behind them than others. Certain types of therapy may also have strengths and weaknesses that could be relevant to your needs. You might want to search for a marriage counselor trained in a research-backed method such as:

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT)

This is among the best-studied forms of couples therapy, with numerous studies and meta-analyses vouching for its effectiveness in improving marital satisfaction. EFT explores the emotional drivers behind the behaviors that are weakening the relationship, while working to restore and strengthen the intimate bond between partners. 

An EFT-trained therapist may be right for you if you’ve been feeling a sense of distance or emotional neglect from your loved one. They may also help you better identify, express, and manage challenging feelings. EFT is sometimes called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy or EFCT.

The Gottman Method

Dr. John Gottman spent decades researching why couples stay together or split up, and he adapted his findings into a therapeutic protocol in partnership with his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman. The Gottman Method works to correct problematic communication styles that tend to drive partners apart instead of bringing them together. It also works to cultivate an attitude of cooperation, affection, and optimism, encouraging couples to see each other as partners in the shared project of building a healthy marriage.

Studies on the Gottman Method have shown that it can be effective at helping spouses adapt to one another’s needs and personalities, improving their sense of emotional closeness. It could prove helpful if you and your partner are finding it hard to work together and communicate without hurting one another’s feelings.

Cognitive behavioral couples therapy (CBCT)

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is one of the best-supported types of therapy for individual mental health disorders, and it’s frequently adapted for use in couples counseling. It’s geared toward helping you unlearn harmful assumptions, beliefs, and behavior patterns that could be sabotaging your connection with your spouse. 

Some trials indicate that CBCT is as effective as EFT at addressing problems between partners. Many couples choose to work with CBCT therapists when issues like depression, anxiety, or substance abuse are placing a serious strain on their relationships. It may also help correct the persistent bad habits that can lead to repetitive, exhausting conflicts in a marriage.

Pay attention to credentials

Just because someone calls themself a marriage counselor doesn’t necessarily tell you anything about their qualifications. If you think you might have found the right couples therapist, you may want to double-check that they hold an advanced degree and a state license in mental health counseling. 

One way to look for licensed marriage therapists is by searching the database of a professional association, such as the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. You could also work through an online therapy service like Regain, which automatically pairs you with a licensed and credentialed mental health professional. 

Get a recommendation from someone you trust

Like most forms of therapy, couples counseling may work best when you’re able to form a solid bond with your treatment provider. That means that personal preference can play a large role. It could be helpful to ask around within your social circle and see if someone you know can recommend a marriage counselor they’ve worked with before.

Friends and relatives who’ve successfully navigated relationship struggles can be priceless resources in this situation. If you belong to a religious or spiritual tradition, you may also be able to get recommendations from a clergy member.

Ask the important questions

Once you think you’ve located a marriage counselor with the right qualifications, it’s usually a good idea to start with a consultation to help you decide if the fit is right. Potentially helpful questions include:

• Do you work mainly with couples or individuals?
• How long have you been practicing?
• What are your areas of specialization?
• Have you helped couples with this issue before? 
• If so, how many saw improvements in their relationships? How many of them chose to separate or pursue divorce and why?
• What are the most important reasons couples succeed or fail in treatment?
• Can you describe what your therapy process is like?
• How long does a typical course of treatment last?
• What is your policy regarding secrets in counseling? Would you continue therapy if one partner told you important information and asked you not to share it with the other?
• Are there factors that would make you hesitant to treat a couple? (E.g. substance abuse issues, serious mental health disorders, religious conflicts, or other obstacles)
• What does marriage mean to you? What do you feel is most important to a healthy partnership?

How the therapist answers these questions can be just as important as what they say. The connections between clients and counselors can be extremely important to the outcome of treatment. If the person you’re talking with rubs you or your spouse the wrong way — for instance, if they seem arrogant and dismissive, or if they appear to conflict with your core values — they may not be the right fit for you.

Exploring online marriage counseling

More and more couples are seeking therapy online rather than in person. It’s often easier to find the best marriage counselor for you when you don’t need to limit the search to practitioners within driving distance. Many clients also report that online therapy lets them feel a deeper sense of “control and comfort” that helps them engage with the process more fully.

Online couples counseling is backed up by experimental research. A 2022 paper published in Frontiers in Psychology reported that Internet-delivered therapy led to significant improvements in mental health, relationship satisfaction, and several other outcome measures. The researchers found no differences between online and in-person counseling in terms of effectiveness.