15 Marriage Puns And Quotes That Actually Get Marriage Right

By Jennifer Conerly|Updated June 17, 2022
CheckedMedically Reviewed By Karen Devlin, LPC

Everyone loves a good joke – and even a bad one. Puns have a terrible reputation, but they are one of the oldest forms of humor globally. Although marriage is a serious commitment, it is often the subject of puns, jokes, and funny quotes. These puns and funny quotes about marriage will make anyone in a long-term commitment shout, “That’s us!”

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Pun Humor: The History of Puns and Jokes

Humans are social creatures who go through life, searching for that special someone. Relationships take daily nurturing and commitment to succeed. Even when we find our life partner, the unique experiences living with another person can be quite funny. The first puns – or sentences and phrases based on wordplay – appeared in Sanskrit in the seventh century, proving that the desire to make others laugh is a long-standing trend.

The history of puns may have more to do with language, not subject matter. As humans evolved, we developed language to communicate – to express inner thoughts, hopes, and fears. With so many options for discussion, the evolution of language lagged people’s ability to describe what they are feeling. Many words and phrases have multiple meanings and definitions, making the pun relatively easy to develop.

Researchers suggest laughter has several health benefits. A good laugh can improve blood flow, lower blood sugar, and boost your immune system. It can also improve your quality of life – especially if you have someone to laugh with.

Marriage Puns That Perfectly Describe What Marriage Is Like

While all puns are jokes, not all jokes are puns. A well-executed pun uses one word or phrase to make multiple points, jabbing at the state of marriage, usually by making fun of one or both partners. Some puns can be cheesy, but many of them are pretty clever; these are our favorite marriage puns that perfectly describe the ups and downs of life with your significant other.

“Too many little digs send a marriage to an early grave.” – Unknown

This marriage pun gets to the heart of maintaining a successful union. All couples argue, but constant criticism and insults breed resentment in your relationship. Open, healthy, and constructive communication with your partner is key to a healthy marriage. Keeping your fights clean will make sure you and your spouse are in it for the long haul.

“Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” – Unknown.

Let’s be honest: nothing prepares you for marriage. Even if you and your partner were in a relationship for a long time before tying the knot, there is a period of adjustment that follows marriage. You learn how to share your lives, communicate, and exist in a completely new way. This play on words involving vision is a spot-on observation on how marriage completely changes your outlook on life and your partner.

“I’m a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too – for being married so many times.” – Elizabeth Taylor.

Not everyone gets married once. Hollywood icon Elizabeth Taylor’s checkered love life made her just as famous as her acting talent. Married eight times – twice to fellow actor and Cleopatra co-star Richard Burton – Taylor was no stranger to marriage and its ups and downs. A successful marriage relies on finding the right person; However, we don’t necessarily agree that Taylor’s track record should qualify as a mental illness condition; we give her credit for never giving up on finding the right partner.

“I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.” – Unknown.

This slightly racy marriage pun is worth a chuckle to all couples who fight over chores. Considering sexual fantasies and turning it on its ear, how many spouses haven’t wished they could come home to a clean house? Without having to ask – demand or beg – their partner?

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays.” – Henry Youngman

Although newly married couples may want to spend every waking moment together, the healthiest relationships last when each spouse has their own independent lives and interests. This quote by the “King of the One-Liners,” comedian Henry Youngman, starts out describing what sounds like a perfect date, but he quips that he and his wife enjoy the experience separately. Who says romance is dead?

Marriage Quotes: Funny Takes On Spouses

Of course, puns aren’t the only way to make fun of marriage. Some well-known public figures have their takes on how they keep their relationship strong – with some hilarious results!

“You know you are in love when the two of you can go grocery shopping together.” – Woody Harrelson

Oh, the dreaded shopping trip! Actor Woody Harrelson perfectly nails one of the many nuances of negotiating a long-term relationship. Most couples divvy up the household chores, avoiding partaking in those activities together that lead to conflict – such as the weekly trip to the grocery store.

Maybe your shopping styles are different: you are the compulsive meal planner who likes to stick to a list while your spouse grabs everything in sight. Sometimes partners argue on specifically what to buy, such as store-brand vs. name-brand items. Either way, according to Harrelson, if you can find common ground over something as mundane as what to keep in your home, then you can tackle life’s more complicated problems.

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Anne Bancroft

Anne Bancroft was already a multiple Academy Award and Tony Award winner when her infamous turn as Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate defined her career. When she married writer and director Mel Brooks in 1964, each had an unsuccessful marriage under their belts. Anyone who had grown old with their partner will understand what Bancroft means.

Couples who haven’t reached their milestone anniversaries yet should take their word for it. Bancroft and Brooks’ second marriages to each other were more successful. The Hollywood couple were married for over four decades until her death in 2005.

“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” – Dolly Parton

Sometimes the best couples include an ambitious spouse with a partner who supports them through thick and thin. Although she has been married to the same man for over 50 years, even country singer Dolly Parton’s most die-hard fans don’t know what he looks like. Letting his wife shine in the spotlight, Parton’s husband remains the supportive spouse while she regularly attends music events and performs concerts alone. According to Parton, that hasn’t placed a damper on their relationship: their relationship is as harmonious as ever, and they renewed their wedding vows in 2016 in honor of their 50th anniversary.

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Marriage Tweets: The Best Quotes on Social Media That Describe Your Relationship

In the 21st century, social media dominates public life. To increase exposure, people will use specific hashtags to increase the number of views of their posts. Some of the highest-ranking hashtags on social media have to do with relationships and marriage. As of August 2019, #couplesgoals has been used in over 3.3 million posts, and #marriagegoals has been used over 600,000 times.

These phrases appear in uplifting, positive shares describing life with significant others; social media users can also use them in a tongue-in-cheek way when posting humorous or sarcastic comments about their spouses or relationships. Puns and one-liners shared as status updates have become great ways for people to express themselves. Spouses on social media used their online presence to comment on the state of their relationship or marriage in general – both the good and the bad!

“The best thing you can do for your marriage is sleep with separate comforters.” – Sara Buckley (@nottheworstmom)

“My wife & I just snoozed 2 separate alarm clocks for 2.5 hrs. This is the exact relationship I hoped for.” – Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito)

“Just put on fancy socks and a nightshirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.” – Ashley Austew (@ashleyaustrew)

“Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage, so they don’t have to take it out.” – Ian Mendes (@ian_mendes)

“My wife cleaned the house all day, and now we have to go live in a hotel.” – Simon Holland (@simoncholland)

“Me: Hey, honey, can you get me a cup of coffee?

Wife: You have legs. Get it yourself.

Me: Our love story should be made into a movie.” – Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35)

“The boys are spending the night away, so my wife and I are planning on spending our evening shooting down each other’s suggestions on what to do until we fall asleep watching “Chopped” reruns.” – Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad)

This collection of puns, jokes, and one-liners makes fun of married couples’ reality everywhere, but it doesn’t take the state of committed relationships lightly. At Regain, we understand that both spouses need to put in hard work and dedication to make their marriage work. If your marriage needs some maintenance or a tune-up, contact our marriage counseling services. Our qualified marriage counselors can help you get your relationship back on track!

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