10 Signs Of A Controlling Wife And How To Establish Healthy Boundaries

Updated October 29, 2022 by ReGain Editorial Team

"If you feel like you are in a relationship with a controlling wife, there are several things that you can do. The most important is to spend some time focusing on your strengths. Many times we forget what makes us valuable and unique and shy away from conflict. While conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, they aren’t always bad. Standing up for yourself is a way of setting boundaries and practicing self-care." - Aaron Horn LMFT


No relationship is perfect, and, most couples, even in a healthy relationship, could use some help in the areas of communication and cooperation. But some of the problems that you might face in a marriage may require some extra care and a little bit of additional help, be it research or various types of therapy. Regardless of other issues, partners in a marriage should respect each other and work together as a team. When one partner tries to control everything about the relationship, the household, and even both partners personally, then the relationship is a toxic relationship, which is a big deal, especially if the relationship is long term.

Are You Feeling Controlled Within Your Relationship?

Signs Of A Controlling Wife

You may think that your wife isn't controlling, but you might be wrong. One of the most common misconceptions about a controlling spouse is that it looks like berating the other partner, physical aggression, or frequent threats or ultimatums. Yet there are many other ways that a controlling partner can seek control over her husband, especially if she is skilled at making them seem like they are not a big deal. These additional signs of a controlling wife can be just as troubling, especially if the signs are present at one time. If you are in a relationship with someone exhibiting these signs, speak with an online therapist about how to exit the relationship. 

Controlling behavior on the part of one spouse is undoubtedly emotionally trying for the other. If your partner is controlling to a severe extent, it could lead to psychological issues for both of you. In extreme cases, some signs of a controlling wife can border on or be emotional abuse. It is important that you can recognize the signs of a controlling partner, as well as the know-how to set healthy boundaries to avoid these situations.

#1 Isolation

Does your wife isolate you from friends and family? The first step in controlling someone is to cut them off from those people who are likely to point out what is going on. Subtle measures of control may go unnoticed by you until they become a severe problem, but your friends and family are more likely to notice patterns in your relationship and how they are affecting you and your happiness- especially if your partner is skilled at making you feel as if everything is ok.

For this reason, a controlling wife's first step is to isolate you from those people closest to you and make you feel as if she is your only ally. It may start subtly, with your wife convincing you to decline invitations to gatherings and events from time to time. Eventually, it will build up to the point that you very rarely see your friends and family, and only talk to them when your wife is not around, which may not be a lot of time.

#2 Frequent Criticism

Does your wife constantly criticize you? Like isolation, criticism can start small. Your wife might criticize how you do things, what you do, how you act, how you dress, or how you look. You might think at first that your wife is just trying to help you be a better person, or you might think that her opinion about your appearance and habits is not important. But if it seems as though nothing you say or do can be right and always must be corrected, this is a sign that you are in a controlling relationship. Controlling people are critical people!

#3 Frequent Threats

Many people think that the only threats that are a serious problem are violent or physical. However, it can be very detrimental to your relationship as well as your frame of mind for your controlling wife to frequently make threats and ultimatums. Even though the threats may seem minor or even outright ridiculous, the fact that your wife is threatening you or giving you ultimatums is in itself a very big problem. Controlling people are very liberal with their use of threats!

#4 Making Acceptance And Caring Conditional

If your wife frequently tells you that she will care more for you if you do this or that, this is a sign that she is a very controlling person. Countless efforts are made to win some respect and care makes you think, "Does she really love me, or is she using me for her own benefit?" this is a sign that she is a very controlling person. She is using your desire to please her and make her happy to control your decisions, behavior, and appearance. You should not have to say or do anything, in particular, to be worthy of love and affection.

#5 Uses Guilt As A Tool

Does your wife use guilt as a tool? Does she bring up past transgressions or annoyances and make you feel guilty about them so that you will give her what she wants? This is a classic method of being utilized by controlling people. You should never allow guilt to rule your decisions, and you certainly should not allow anyone to make you feel guilty. If the dynamic within your relationship is dependent on guilt, then you most certainly have (or are) a controlling partner. Controlling people are guilt trippers!

#6 Created A Debt

Did your wife do something amazing for you at the beginning of your relationship? Maybe she helped you get through college, or maybe she helped you while you started your career. These are certainly amazing things for someone to do for their new spouse, but they do not entitle your wife to control you in the future. If your wife brings up such gestures to make you feel as though you owe her so that she can get things her way, that is a very controlling maneuver and constitutes a toxic relationship enveloped in emotional abuse.

#7 Constant Snooping

Does your wife constantly demand to know everything you say and do? If your wife is constantly demanding full disclosure on exactly how you spend time when she is not around, requiring you to hand over your phone for inspection, or other outright snooping, they are probably using what they find to control you.

#8 Jealousy And Paranoia

One of the reasons that most wives are controlling is that they are really afraid of losing their partner. They will show this through extreme fits of jealousy and paranoia. If your wife is controlling, she will probably be very jealous of any woman you see or talk to, regardless of who it is or the context. She may even be jealous or paranoid when you hang out with your friends, even when you tell her there are no women around. This is often a symptom of having been on the receiving end of emotional abuse, and almost always a sign of compromised mental health, including specific conditions such as bipolar disorder. Controlling people are jealous people!

#9 

You and your wife should each have your interests and spend at least a small amount of time alone with yourselves. 

#10 Making You Earn Good Treatment

If your wife makes you earn good treatment, it is a sign that she is controlling you. She could make you earn sexual favors or encounters, a good meal, a date night, or even something as simple as a foot rub. While it is normal for couples to bribe each other from time to time with such things, a controlling wife will take it to the extreme and never offer good treatment unless it is earned by doing something she wants, making you feel as if you have to earn her love.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

It is very important, especially with a controlling wife, to set boundaries within your marriage. When you set healthy boundaries, it means that you have decided what you are and are not willing to put up with from your controlling wife. According to clinical psychologists, setting healthy boundaries is really about you. You can't do anything about how your wife behaves or tries to control you, but you can do something about your reaction to how they behave. This is where healthy boundaries begin, and abusive or controlling behaviors can potentially end. If you are someone who struggles with setting boundaries, then it may be time to find a therapist- even if your partner is controlling and you feel as if you have done nothing wrong.

Your first step to setting healthy boundaries is to decide just what you are and are not going to deal with in your marriage. Your second step is to decide what the consequences will be if your wife goes against your boundaries or crosses the line. These consequences are entirely up to you and can include anything up to and including moving out of the marital home in separation if controlling abuse continues.

If your wife is not just controlling but is also emotionally abusive, which is often the case, you cannot expect your marriage to get better without the abusive behavior ending. This includes controlling behavior, and it must end as well. If your wife is not willing to stop the controlling or abusive behavior, you cannot and should not be willing to stick around for more abuse. You should instead consider the consequences of moving on. This is likely to be necessary, as controlling people are often resistant to change. 

Are You Feeling Controlled Within Your Relationship?

However, if your wife seems to be willing to respect your new boundaries and try to stop the controlling behavior, there may be hope for your marriage. If you have difficulty setting healthy boundaries between you and your controlling wife, you might need to get some help. A marriage counselor or licensed therapist with experience in relationship counseling will be able to help you identify and set healthy boundaries with your spouse, and help your spouse understand why she needs to follow these boundaries. When in doubt, find a therapist!

If you need this kind of professional assistance, it can be difficult to find a therapist that you can afford and see conveniently. Luckily,ReGain is an online counseling platform that specializes in relationship counseling. If you need assistance, ReGain is a great option that can allow you to talk to a licensed therapist in your state for an affordable rate and when it is convenient for you. 

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

What are the signs of a controlling wife? 

The signs of a controlling partner include, but are not limited to 

  • Isolation from family and friends. 
  • Making you feel like you must earn good treatment.
  • Jealousy And Paranoia.
  • Frequent Criticism.
  • Frequent Threats.
  • Constantly making you feel guilty.
  • Being in a bad mood when things do not go their way

How do I deal with a controlling wife? 

To deal with a controlling partner, one must first establish healthy boundaries. To decide what to build said boundaries around, it is important to consider what behaviors of theirs are making you feel as though you are being emotionally abused, as most controlling partners will go about controlling people in a way that is ultimately harmful or abusive. 

If the controlling partner feels as if they are not in the wrong, then it is likely time to find a therapist. Either way- it is crucial to remember that it takes two people to make a toxic relationship, and two more people to fix one and that it may end up being necessary to pursue different types of therapy. While controlling partners will likely be the most resistant to this.

What are the signs of a controlling person? 

In general, the signs of a controlling person, in general, are the same as the signs of a controlling partner. A controlling person learns how your emotions work, and does everything that they can to keep controlling people, regardless of whether or not it is to any discernible end. It is ideal for such people to try to find a therapist, as a controlling person is likely to hurt others.

Why does my wife control everything? 

Your wife’s desire to control everything is likely due to some degree of mental health issues, as is the case for most controlling people. Oftentimes, this is due to having been emotionally abused in the past, or the presence of an underlying condition such as obsessive-compulsive or bipolar disorder.

Another possibility is that your wife feels the need to complete tasks that you are not taking care of. For example, if you want to feel more sense of ownership in the house, care for it and clean it more. If you want more control of your diet, cook more. It is likely that if your wife is in control of everything, she resents the need to take control so often. It can be very helpful for both you and your wife to take control in different situations. For example, if your wife is a better driver, then it may make sense that she would drive. If you are a better host, then it might make sense that you entertain the company. Being able to flow between different roles of leader and follower is a sign of a very healthy relationship. If one person is always in control, then your relationship is not reaching its full potential.

If you confront your wife on the issue and she cannot seem to figure out why she feels the need to be controlling people, then it may be time for her to find a therapist. Different types of therapy may be required for different people, so she may have to do some research.

What are red flags in a relationship? 

Red flags in a relationship are signs your partner may not be an ideal fit. This ranges from being a controlling person, to simply making you feel bad. Frankly, there are more red flags than can be listed, but the bottom line is- if you see signs your partner may be a controlling or abusive person, then it is time to leave or find a therapist- as different types of therapy have been known to help aid in dealing with controlling people.

What are the signs of a bad relationship? 

Signs of a bad or toxic relationship include 

  • Physical abuse
  • Emotional abuse 
  • A mutually negative effect on mental health 
  • Refusal to find a therapist 
  • At least one controlling partner 
  • One or both parties is constantly in a bad mood
  • Diminishing each other's mental health

If any of these behaviors are present in your relationship, it is important to find a therapist- even if your partner is making you feel as if they are all normal. A lot of the controlling people in the world are great at doing that!

What are controlling behaviors?

Controlling behaviors include 

  • Isolating you from friends. 
  • Controlling relationships with other people. 
  • Constant investment in work in the controlling of others 
  • Making you feel like you need to earn most or all good treatment.

If any of these behaviors become patterned in your relationship, then it is likely time to find a therapist- as controlling relationships are inherently toxic, and a lot of controlling relationships are inherently emotionally abusive, and some can evolve into physical abuse.

Below are commonly asked questions on this topic:

What are signs of a controlling wife?
Why is my wife so controlling?
How do I deal with a controlling wife?
What is considered controlling in a marriage?
What is a toxic wife?
How do you tell if my wife is gaslighting me?
How do you deal with a wife who is Gaslighting?
How do you address a controlling spouse?
What is red flag in relationship?
What causes controlling behavior?

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