“Is My Spouse Manipulative?” Know The Signs Of A Controlling Wife
Controlling behavior from a spouse can have a significant negative impact on a relationship. It is essential for both partners to have agency in a marriage. If you feel controlled, you're likely struggling to assert your wants and needs. You may also perceive that you cannot communicate with your wife about how you feel as a result of her actions.
A desire for control is not unique to men. Women can and do exhibit controlling behaviors that can impact a relationship. No matter the gender of the perpetrator, someone who controls their partner is, at best, bringing resentment into the relationship. At worst, controlling behavior can predict more severe behaviors later in the relationship, including violence.
What is a controlling relationship?
Defining exactly what behaviors are considered controlling in a relationship is difficult. Ultimately, how each spouse feels determines if one or the other interprets that they are being controlled. In some cases, one spouse may consider requests that are typical in a healthy relationship to be controlling, like asking to prioritize quality time or complete household chores.
You should first determine the degree of controlling behavior you see in your wife. It's important to ask yourself whether your wife is being overbearing or whether you are too sensitive to typical requests. If the common themes of controlling behavior listed below resonate with you, it's likely that your wife's behavior is not appropriate.
Signs of a controlling wife
Recognizing the behaviors of a controlling wife early on helps you address issues in your relationship as a married couple and work towards a healthier marriage. Here are some common signs that may indicate controlling behavior in a marriage.
Isolation tactics
You deserve ample time with friends, family, and other loved ones besides your spouse. Keeping you from seeing others in your life is not acceptable. Partners in a healthy relationship don’t try to isolate each other from friends or loved ones. If you believe your wife isolates you, evaluate the situation thoroughly. Does she get angry when you visit with friends? Does she downplay your relationship with your family or get upset when you lean on them for support?
It is important to distinguish isolating behavior from simple requests for your time. If your wife gets angry at you because you canceled plans with her to go and hang out with friends, that's not controlling behavior, nor is it isolation. You may need to improve the communication in your marriage to get to the root of the issue. Isolating behaviors are consistent; if your wife constantly gets upset when you see friends and family, that's controlling behavior.
Stalking or monitoring
Stalking refers to a pattern of unwanted attention or communication. If your wife follows you or monitors your arrival at certain locations without your consent, that's not OK. You have a right to travel freely and a broader right to feel safe and secure in your relationship. Your safety and security are not intact if you are constantly being monitored in life. Stalking behavior can become more dangerous and may be a threat later on.
The same principles apply to electronic devices. If your wife insists on going through your phone, installing tracking apps, or installing any other monitoring software, she may be overstepping the boundaries of personal space in your life. Your safety is being violated. Excessive monitoring indicates a lack of trust, and you deserve to feel trusted by your spouse. Part of mutual trust is an expectation of safety; your wife needs to be secure enough in her relationship with you to trust that you have nothing to hide. Reasonable adjustments to this theme are understandable if someone has violated the agreed upon parameters in a relationship, though. You must be trustworthy in order to expect to be trusted, so listen carefully when you and your partner set the terms of your relationship.
Financial control
If your wife controls the finances in your marriage and limits your access to money, she may be financially controlling you. It is important to note that financial control only applies to assets that would normally be shared; if she doesn't share her own money with you freely, that's not financial control. An example of financial control might be if you and your wife deposit your paychecks into the same account, but she insists that only she can access it. Having money gives you agency in your life, so it can be important to have a way to access it freely.
Your wife may use phrases like "You're not good with money" or "I'll take care of the finances." Financial control is more likely if she doesn't allow you to make reasonable purchases or gets upset when you do. Financial control does not include becoming upset at frivolous purchases, anger at not discussing a major purchase, or sharing her opinion of how you handle finances.
Threats or violence
Women can and do enforce control through threats and violence. If your wife hits you, throws objects at you, or breaks your possessions, it is just as serious as if a man were being violent. If you identify as a man, you may believe that your wife's behavior is excusable. Over a quarter of men in the United States have experienced some form of intimate partner violence. Stigma surrounds the victim status of men who have experienced violence at their partner's hand. When women perpetrate violence against men, it is not always perceived as abusive behavior.
The double standard of men's victimization at the hands of women perpetrators is slowly changing. No matter your gender, if you are experiencing violence at the hands of your spouse, that is a serious violation of your safety and security. It is not OK to remain in a relationship with a spouse who treats you violently. If you need help, regardless of gender, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can provide immediate assistance.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is the intentional distortion of reality to try to make you feel that what you see or feel isn't real. Attacks on sanity are common in gaslighting. If your wife calls you crazy or otherwise makes you doubt your reality, you may be the victim of gaslighting. You may also perceive that your marital situation is surreal – like it's happening on a different plane of your life. This is termed the "Twilight Zone effect" and is a hallmark of gaslighting.
The common techniques used in gaslighting, as well as example phrases, are below:
- Withholding. The gaslighter pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. "I don't want to hear this again."
- Countering. Questioning your memory, even when you remember the event accurately. "You never remember things correctly."
- Blocking. Changing the subject or questioning your thoughts. "Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?
- Trivializing. Making your needs or feelings seem unimportant. You're too sensitive.
- Denial. Pretending not to remember events that occurred or promises they made. "You're just making stuff up."
Can my marriage improve?
Severe controlling behavior takes a toll on the person being controlled, and you may need time away from your wife to regain a sense of self or perspective. Finding someone to listen to you about what is going on in your life can also be very helpful.
Evaluate your wife’s behavioral and communication patterns
However, if your wife rarely or never behaves in a severely controlling manner, there is likely hope for your marriage. If you feel controlled, but your wife's behavior doesn't match what was described in this article, you should focus first on improving marital communication. Your wife may be having trouble expressing her needs, or you may have difficulty communicating yours. It may even be a case of one person being unable to listen to the other. Things like nagging and repeated requests don't amount to being controlling, but they do indicate a potentially harmful communication pattern that can make it difficult to be in a healthy relationship.
Reflect on your own needs
You should take time for self-reflection to ensure you know your own needs and are able to communicate them. Listen to your gut feelings. What is making you feel controlled? Are there specific things you want your wife to do differently? Be sure you can answer those questions before discussing the issue with your wife. Your needs matter just as much as hers, but it's important you can adequately describe your perspective. When bringing your concerns to your wife, do so politely and constructively.
How can online therapy help?
If you're considering leaving a potentially abusive partner, a therapist can help you plan your exit from the relationship and help support you after you leave. If problems in your marriage are not that severe, visiting with a therapist online can help you better understand your own wants and needs in the relationship, as well as how you may be contributing to marital concerns.
Addressing signs of a controlling wife with online therapy
Couples counseling is also an option; you and your wife can work together to improve your marriage from your home, as you improve the way you listen to each other. Online counseling removes many barriers to accessing therapy, including traveling to a physical office or being restricted to nearby therapists only. Online therapists use the same evidence-based techniques as traditional therapists, which are just as effective when administered online.
Takeaway
If you're feeling that your life is being controlled by your wife, the first step is to evaluate the level of controlling behavior. If she is threatening, hurting, isolating, or monitoring you, you should strongly consider leaving the relationship. If her behavior is less severe, you can improve the situation by working on your assertiveness, developing your self-esteem, and working with your wife to increase the quality of communication in your marriage. When you can both listen to each other in a neutral setting, it may benefit the relationship.
Not everyone will go into therapy seeking the same things. Keeping this in mind can ensure that you can get the most from online therapy. If you’re still wondering if therapy is right for you, and how much therapy costs, please reach out to us at contact@betterhelp.com. BetterHelp specializes in online therapy to help address mental health concerns. If you’re interested in individual therapy, reach out today to get started. For more information about BetterHelp, please find us on:
If you need crisis hotlines or want to learn more about therapy, please see below:
RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) - 1-800-656-4673
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233
NAMI Helpline (National Alliance on Mental Illness) - 1-800-950-6264
For more information on mental health, please see:
SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) SAMHSA Facebook, SAMHSA Twitter, SAMHSA LinkedIn
Mental Health America, MHA Twitter, MHA Facebook, MHA Instagram, MHA Pinterest, MHA LinkedIn
WebMD, WebMD Facebook, WebMD Twitter, WebMD Pinterest, WebMD LinkedIn
NIMH (National Institute Mental Health), NIMH Facebook, NIMH Twitter,NIMH YouTube, NIMH LinkedIn
APA (American Psychiatric Association), APA Twitter, APA Facebook, APA LinkedIn, APA Instagram
How do I know if my wife is too controlling?
Many signs will tell if you have a controlling wife. For instance, you may notice her dictating how you live your life. She is constantly overriding your choices, constantly criticizing your decisions, limiting your interactions with friends and family, or forbidding you to form friendships as a whole. Additionally, she could constantly check on you even the littlest thing such as your whereabouts, making you feel suffocated while still not trying to listen to you. If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells or feeling guilty for asserting your needs, these are red flags that should not be ignored. It's important to point out that everyone faces challenges in their relationships, but a healthy relationship should not leave you feeling constantly controlled.
What is an example of a controlling spouse?
An example of a controlling spouse is someone who might feel entitled to monitor or listen to your phone calls, demand to know your whereabouts at all times, or dictate how you spend your free time. They may ignore your boundaries and not actually listen to you if you try to talk it out. Eventually, the situation will make you feel guilty for wanting independence, significantly impacting your ability to live a fulfilling life or have a healthy relationship. Maintaining this situation may eventually jeopardize your safety and well-being. Create a safety plan with the help of a trusted friend, family member, or a professional if you feel unsafe.
How do you deal with an authoritarian wife?
Openly communicate your feelings and establish healthy boundaries. Consider seeking professional help to learn how to facilitate better understanding and negotiation of each other's needs.
What should I do if I spot signs of a controlling wife?
If you spot signs of a controlling partner, it can be helpful to try to address the issues in your relationship as well. Talk to your wife and open up about your feelings. Set clear boundaries and encourage her to share her concerns too. Maintaining open and honest communication is crucial for a healthy relationship. If you’re worried you might hurt her feelings and emotions, you can try seeking professional help through couples therapy to facilitate more healthy and effective communication. It's important to remember that addressing relationship challenges can be difficult, but it's important to point out these issues to each other and work together to find solutions
What are examples of controlling behaviors?
Severe cases of controlling behaviors are actions aimed at exerting control over another person. These behaviors may be morally wrong and might no longer be considered normal. These behaviors may manifest in various ways, such as constant criticism, isolation, financial control, emotional manipulation, technological control, and physical intimidation. For example, a controlling person might constantly criticize their partner's every move, undermining their self-esteem.
They may also try to limit their partner's social interactions with friends and family in their life, sabotaging any attempts at having a healthy relationship with someone else. This could make their partner feel dependent and isolated. Additionally, they may exert control over finances by restricting access to money or monitoring spending.
How to tell if your partner is toxic?
A toxic relationship is often characterized by consistent negativity and harm. Some key signs may include constant criticism and blame, lack of respect and support, controlling behavior, gaslighting, lack of open communication, or even physical or emotional abuse. You may constantly feel like you're walking on eggshells, always trying to avoid doing the wrong thing.
A toxic partner may disregard your feelings, belittle your opinions, and refuse to listen to reason. They may also fail to spend time with you in a healthy way to provide the emotional support you need. A toxic partner might ignore your boundaries and try to exert control over various aspects of your life, making you feel dependent and isolated. These actions could even create a constant state of fear. It’s important to recognize these signs that you may not be in a healthy relationship.
What is toxic behavior in a wife?
While the term "controlling wife" may be stigmatizing, it's important to recognize that anyone, regardless of gender, may exhibit toxic behaviors. These behaviors could include excessive jealousy and possessiveness, constant criticism and belittlement, isolation, financial control, and emotional manipulation. For example, controlling people may exhibit extreme jealousy, which might lead to behaviors such as constant monitoring and accusations of infidelity. They may also constantly criticize their partner, belittling their accomplishments and undermining their self-esteem. All these behaviors could make it impossible to create a healthy relationship and may make you feel trapped in your own life. You may feel isolated like no one will listen to you.
When to end a relationship?
If you've been feeling unhappy and unfulfilled for some time, if your partner refuses to address their wrong behaviors, or you're constantly compromising your values and needs, you may also consider ending the relationship.
Ending a relationship is never easy but it's crucial for your well-being especially if your safety is compromised. Additionally, if your or another family member's safety is at risk, consider calling the national domestic violence hotline to create a safety plan for yourself.
A healthy relationship brings joy and fulfillment; it does not exert control. If you constantly feel a lack of respect or live in a constant state of fear, it's time to reassess the relationship. Listen to your instincts. You deserve to have a healthy relationship in your life.
Why does my wife keep yelling at me?
It can be unsettling and confusing if your partner continues to yell at you, and it is important to recognize if the yelling makes you feel unsafe or fearful. While this behavior can be damaging, there could be underlying reasons for your wife's behavior. These reasons could include stress, anxiety, past mistakes, communication issues, controlling behavior, or low self-esteem. For example, anxiety disorders or other mental disorders may sometimes manifest in outbursts of anger or always blaming you for various things that aren’t your fault and making you feel powerless. Additionally, past trauma from a controlling wife or husband could significantly impact emotional regulation and lead to difficulty managing emotions even as you enter into a healthy relationship with someone new.
What are the early signs of controlling behavior?
Recognizing early signs of a controlling wife or husband is crucial for addressing the issue before it escalates into something worse so you are not in a constant state of fear. Some early signs of controlling behavior include excessive jealousy and possessiveness, criticism and belittlement, isolation, financial control, and technological control. For example, a controlling person may exhibit severe cases of jealousy, which may then lead to controlling behaviors such as constant monitoring of social interactions and accusations of infidelity.
They may also constantly criticize their partner, belittling their accomplishments and undermining their self-esteem. Keep in mind that these could just be reflections of their own low self-esteem. Additionally, they may try to isolate their partner from friends and family. This limits their social circle, which could make them feel powerless, and in a constant state of fear. If you or sense that someone else you know is experiencing any of these signs, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for exclusive support and resources.
That being said, it's also important to keep in mind that there may be underlying issues at hand. Your partner might have an undiagnosed mental health condition. Anxiety disorders, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and as recognized by the American Association of Mental Health, could sometimes manifest in controlling behaviors. It's crucial to approach the situation with empathy and understanding, while also prioritizing your safety and well-being
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