How To Know When It's Toxic Love

One of the functions of a healthy relationship is to help us be better people. It's not supposed to complete us, as romantic movies might suggest, but it is supposed to be a welcome side dish to an already full life. If your relationship is in frequent distress, and you have many emotional ups and downs almost daily, you may be involved in a toxic relationship. Read on to learn how to identify a toxic relationship and what to do next.

Signs that your relationship is toxic

Some signs are more apparent than others regarding being in a toxic relationship. If your partner abuses you, whether it's mentally, physically, or emotionally, then you are in a toxic relationship. However, some other signs may not be as easy to spot as physical abuse, and you may question whether you're in a toxic relationship or just going through a rough patch with your partner.

What follows are some signs that your relationship may be toxic:

• Feeling Drained - If you constantly feel like you have nothing left to give at the end of the day because you've expended every ounce of energy dealing with this person and your relationship, you may want to take some time to reevaluate your relationship.

• Imbalance - If you tend to give more than you get in return, the relationship may be toxic. For example, if you're always picking up the pieces when they've had a hard day, but they’re too busy with their own life to comfort you when you've had a hard day of your own, this is an unhealthy imbalance.

• No Trust Or Communication - These are two of the most significant relationship killers. If you can't trust and communicate, the relationship lacks a solid foundation for growth and healthy love. A lack of trust and communication complicates a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

• Hostility Or Control Issues - If your partner is constantly angry or has issues with control, these things can certainly ruin a relationship. It can be very unpleasant and even painful or dangerous to be in the company of someone constantly battling for control and power or frequently gets angry. If they always want to know what you’re doing and try to control what you should or shouldn’t do or who you should or shouldn’t spend your time with, these are red flags.

• Narcissism - If they are selfish and turn everything you say into something about themselves, then it's likely time to move on. Narcissism adds to the imbalance of a relationship by making everything one-sided.

These are just a few of the signs that can indicate a relationship is toxic. Keep in mind that emotional abuse is more common in younger adult relationships and is typically a lot harder to detect than physical abuse. It may require some careful thought, reflection, and self-awareness to recognize.

Making excuses

When you're in a toxic relationship, you may make excuses for various things. Maybe you make excuses for your partner's negative moods or actions or feel the need to over-explain to others why you’re with your partner in the first place. But these excuses may not be coming from a place of genuine love and happiness. If you often make excuses for the relationship, this is a red flag to pay attention to.

An example of this may be making an excuse for why your partner lashed out and hit you, such as, “I understand why he lashed out. He had a really hard day at work, and I forgot to do something that I said I would do, which just added to his bad day.”

Another example could be your partner giving you the silent treatment for several days in response to you doing something without them. You defend them by saying, “They just feel hurt for being left out. I should have included them.” In actuality, giving someone the silent treatment is a manipulative and unhealthy action, and partners are allowed to (and, in fact, it’s important to) have hobbies that don’t always include one another.

There are no excuses for being physically or emotionally harmed by the person you love. This behavior is unacceptable. When you’re in a healthy partnership, you both practice open communication about the challenges in your life and work to not lash out at each other when life gets hard.

Are you struggling with domestic abuse? Find help at the National Domestic Abuse Hotline by visiting their website or calling 800.799.SAFE (7233).

Rehashing old mistakes

When you're in a toxic relationship, your partner may use past experiences and mistakes against you. For example, if you said something unkind out of anger during a fight, they may rehash what you said weeks or even years ago to make you feel guilt or shame. Holding things over each other as a means of emotional power and control is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says things they don't mean, and - usually - our partners will forgive us for it as long as we communicate and work toward growing as people and partners. But if your partner seems to enjoy rehashing your past mistakes, using them as a weapon against you, you should be wary of their behaviors and intentions. They want to remain in control over you emotionally or have low self-esteem and intend to harm yours or bring you down to their level to help themselves feel better or more in control of their life.

Can you fix a toxic relationship?

There are certain issues in a relationship that can and should be fixed, but there are other issues that, for the sake of all involved, should end the relationship, and the two parties should attempt to make a clean break so they can move on and begin to heal.

Constant blow-out fights between you and your partner that even your friends, family, or co-workers have begun witnessing is a concerning sign of a toxic dynamic and might not be a healthy situation to remain in. It indicates that your emotions have spiraled out of control enough to reveal this unhealthy side of your relationship to the people you care about. If it gets to this point, it may be challenging to repair the dynamic. It would require both of you to be committed to working through it and relationship counseling or some other professional intervention.

If you have been avoiding each other more often, this is not a sign of a healthy reaction to a fight. It's one thing to avoid your spouse the next morning at breakfast because you got into a heated argument last night and don't want to face the issues again first thing in the morning. It's another thing to avoid each other all day - or worse, for days at a time - because it's easier and preferable to sitting down and hashing out your differences so that you can move on and get back to being happy.

The one thing to remember about a toxic relationship is that you are likely to continue to suffer further harm the longer you stay unless both of you commit to learning how to communicate healthily with one another. Sometimes the only thing left to do is to end the relationship and move on. At this point, neither of you is fighting to keep the relationship anymore; you're just fighting. You need to take care of yourself and preserve your mental health, and the best way to do that may be to let go and say goodbye.

Leaving a toxic relationship

Leaving a toxic relationship may be easier said than done. After all, you may have a lot of history with this person and genuinely love them, which is okay. No one ever sets out with the intention of ending up in a toxic relationship. Sometimes, a relationship may start well enough but become toxic over time. You can't blame yourself for this or beat yourself up over it. What's important is that you recognize the relationship for what it is or has become and that you and your partner work toward forming healthy communication and boundaries. If this is not possible or your partner is not putting in the work to help the relationship, get yourself out of it sooner rather than later.

If your partner sometimes gets easily angered over somewhat small things, confronting the situation in writing may be a good idea. In-person conversations are usually the best option, but some people simply can't be reasoned with when emotions run high, so consider expressing your feelings in an email, text message, or letter. At the very least, it gives you time to compose your thoughts and your partner time to digest what you have to say without being given a chance to shut you down or cut you off.

If upon hearing what you want or need out of the relationship, your partner offers to go to counseling or take some other measure to try to improve their behavior for the sake of the relationship, then it is up to you to decide whether you want to stick around or let it go. Ultimately, you must let it be known that you will not put up with the behavior any longer, and then you must stick to that. If your partner continues treating you how you have been treated and ignores your boundaries and communicated needs, consider cutting your losses and moving on. Respecting someone’s defined boundaries is non-negotiable.

No matter what you decide - staying with your partner and helping them through their issues or leaving the relationship for good - it is imperative that you take care of yourself. You must actively surround yourself with the people and activities that make you happy. Staying positive is essential to your mental health, especially when experiencing negativity with your partner. Finding an equal and opposite balance to that negativity can be beneficial.

Online support is available

If you decide to leave the relationship, you must allow yourself some time to rest and heal. After all, putting up with a rollercoaster of toxic experiences can be emotionally draining, especially for an extended period. You may be tempted to pack your schedule with things to do to distract yourself from feeling down about the relationship ending, but you don't want to do too much. Give yourself room to breathe and get used to life without this other person. You deserve peace and happiness.

Online therapy is a convenient way to get the help you need. When you sign up, you’re matched with a qualified, vetted professional counselor who is ready to start helping you right away. You don’t have to worry about being on a waiting list or commuting to an office. With online therapy, you attend sessions from anywhere you have an internet connection, whether at home, school, or the office. And research shows that online therapy is effective, too; one review of 14 studies found that online treatment was just as effective as in-person intervention. Sign up with Regain to learn more.

Takeaway

Are you in a toxic relationship and unsure how to get out of it? Consider talking to an online counselor who can give the advice and support necessary to know your next steps and how to take them.