Are Love And War The Same?
When you think of love, you may think of a romance between two young people or an old couple who have endured decades of hardships and have stood the test of time. You may imagine romance, kissing, and memorable dates. When you imagine war, you might think of two people shouting at each other, conflicts arising, violence, and bloodshed. So, how can these two contradicting concepts be in any way alike? In this post, we will look at the similarities between love and war and explain just how close they might be to one another.
Love and war can be inevitable and happen quickly or slowly
Most of us imagine a peaceful world with no conflict and no war. However, we know that reality is much different. Humans are tribal creatures, and since the beginning of time, there has been some form of conflict and an endless number of reasons to keep fighting. There will continue to be disagreements in the world, and when neither party wants to resolve them with words, they will likely choose to fight to see which party prevails.
Love is also often inevitable. Many people fall in love and find the partner who is right for them even if they feel like they'll never fall in love. The speed at which love and war develop can be similar as well. Some wars take years of tension and disagreements to start. Likewise, there may be romantic tension between two people that takes a while to blossom into love.
The opposite can be true as well; love can happen suddenly. You might meet someone, start hitting it off, and before long, find that you both are in love. War can be fast, too. Two countries that don't have any problem with each other may experience a domino effect and be at each other's throats in just a short amount of time, especially if the problem is particularly pressing.
War is sometimes fought as love
When it comes to wars, we fight them for many reasons. Some love the thrill of battle or like to have a purpose in mind that inspires them to fight. Others may fight because of the love of their country. They may feel that by doing so, they are working to defend their family and livelihood.
War can happen during love
Conflict can arise in any relationship, no matter how close you two are. Even the subtlest of differences can create problems, and since no two people are alike, how these issues are resolved can depend on the couple. Sometimes, the conflict can be resolved peacefully, but other times, you may be shouting at each other and find that it only makes the situation worse.
Another similarity between conflict and war can be the mounting tension that often occurs. One side is normally the aggressor, while the other side counters by being aggressive as well. Both sides often increase their aggressive tendencies until one of them makes the declaration of war. By resolving tensions, you can decrease the chances of further conflict. This can be true in relationships and in wars.
War and forgiveness
Many countries that have had hostile wars in the past end up being allies in the long run. The US had an intense war with Japan that ended in a nuclear bombing, but today, Japan and the US are not enemies. Time can heal wounds, up to and including war. The same can apply to conflict. You may have fights with your spouse, but you can take the steps needed to forgive and forget by giving some space and time and talking openly about the issue with one another.
What are the similarities between love and war?
Both can be irrational
There may be rational reasons for a conflict, but all logic can get thrown out the window whenever tensions are so high. Civilized societies may turn into beasts, fighting it out until one can't fight any longer. There is no intelligence in killing each other, but we do it anyway.
Meanwhile, love can have the same rules. When you're lovestruck by someone, your rationality might disappear. You may no longer be able to think straight or talk to someone without love blinding you. In some cases, love and war can be logical, but for the most part, instincts take over, and when it ends, we may feel regretful it ever happened.
Both can be destructive
It can take a lot of courage to admit you love someone, and in some romantic situations, courage may be required when everyone is against the relationship. The same can apply to war. When fighting a war, it takes courage to face death and realize that you may die on the battlefield. This isn't to say that courage is equal in both situations; risking your life, to most people, would seem to be the more courageous option. However, the courage you feel when you experience love is unique and can be considered. Opening yourself up and being so vulnerable with another person puts you at risk of great heartbreak. Studies show that emotional injuries can feel like physical ones and that getting dumped can physically hurt. Love is worth it for many people, but that’s not to say it comes without great risk.
Both can involve courage
War, in general, is destructive, but some wars only last for a short time before the conflict is finally resolved. Meanwhile, other wars may lead to destruction and affect more people. They may last for years, killing a lot of people in the process, or those in conflict might escalate their arsenal until they are killing each other with nukes or other weapons of mass destruction.
Love can be the same way. When a relationship ends, it can either end in an amicable fashion or in a hostile manner. Some breakups happen because two people realize that although they love each other, they simply aren’t compatible long-term. In other split-ups, one or both parties may be thrown under the bus and have resentment toward each other. This can be especially true in a divorce in which child custody battles and alimony disputes are taking place. In love and in war, figuring out how to de-escalate the situation can be an effective way to avoid more destruction.
Both can exist together
You may fight for your country because you have a love for it, and the same can happen in romantic situations as well. You might be at war with your own emotions and ego as you try to humble yourself for your partner. Or you may be at war with the parents of your lover because they don’t approve of you. You could be at war with your partner if you're concerned for their well-being, and there is a disagreement that arises. In many cases, love and conflict can exist simultaneously.
Both are polar opposites that may be closer than you think
Love and war are opposites, but they may be more similar than most people realize. Extreme emotions tend to have a thin line between them. Someone you're in love with can turn into your worst enemy if the situation goes awry, particularly if they know how to push your buttons. The same can be true for relationships between different countries, where our closest allies can become our enemies because of one mistake. You might have high expectations of your romantic life, and when they aren't met, it can come crashing down. The same can be said of countries.
They involve doing drastic things for your best interests
The phrase "all is fair in love and war" exists for a reason. With war, you are willing to try every tactic in the book to win. You may resort to dirty guerrilla tactics to defeat your enemy or use the most destructive bomb possible. War is not like a sanctioned fight where there are boundaries.
Love can be the same way. When you're in love, anything can be fair game. You may end up buying extravagant gifts to impress your love, or you may end up hurting someone who is also interested in your love. While we don't necessarily want or try to play dirty, these extreme emotions can make us do just that.
Both can be faked for benefit
Sometimes, war is manufactured for the benefit of someone else. In proxy wars, two powerful countries back different sides in a war between less powerful parties. This often benefits them in some way. There can be a financial gain in war sometimes as well. On the other hand, some people may fake being in love to gain some benefit, be it sexual or another form of gratification.
Both can be regretful
War can be a huge regret whenever all is said and done. Looking back at our history, we can see wars through a fresh lens and realize that many of them were unneeded or could have been resolved in a more efficient, honorable way. This can apply to love as well. After entering a relationship, you may realize that you regret getting into it, and think that you could have found someone better or handled the relationship differently. Likewise, you could breakup with someone and regret your decision later. While hindsight is often 20/20, it can be important to remember that we are all human, and we all make mistakes.
Online counseling with Regain
If your relationship is feeling more like war than love, you may be able to resolve these issues with the help of a mediator or someone else who is otherwise unbiased and level-headed. Conflict doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship; rather, it can be an opportunity to practice empathy and grow as both individuals and a couple. Talking to an online relationship counselor through Regain could provide you with the intervention and tools you need to repair your relationship with your partner. Learning how to resolve conflict in a healthy, respectful way can be key to a happy long-term relationship. Whether you choose to talk to your therapist through video chats, phone calls, or in-app messaging, you can begin getting the support you need whenever you’re ready.
The efficacy of online counseling
Couples who are facing a variety of obstacles in their relationship could benefit from online counseling, as one study showed. Researchers explored the effectiveness of an internet-based couples therapy intervention for improving relationship satisfaction and decreasing relationship distress. They found that couples participating in the program were more aware of the issues in their relationship and felt more confident coming up with solutions to fix them. Couples experienced less distress and greater satisfaction with one another because they were able to make lasting changes within the relationship.
Takeaway
Love and war may have similarities, but within relationships, it can be important to foster the former. Love, kindness, and respect can be vital to any healthy relationship. If your relationship feels more like war than love, it could be beneficial to confide in a licensed online counselor for help. A Regain therapist can provide advice for cultivating a greater sense of commitment, loyalty, and trust in your relationship. Mutually satisfying, healthy relationships are possible with the right support, skills, and tools.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What does it mean when someone says all is fair in love and war?
The phrase “all is fair in love and war” means that there isn’t a rule book regarding either love or war. People may “play dirty” to get what they want regardless of what the other side considers fair or what their own conscience thinks is right. One can liken this phrase to street fights where people use whatever is at their disposal to win— even when their opponent’s back is turned.
Although countries might agree about how to engage in war – for example, the treatment of prisoners of war (POWs), that doesn’t mean the countries will always follow through. In love, people might also agree about how they should treat each other. Still, when the relationship begins to experience trouble, that agreement could easily be dismissed; the rules of fair play might be disregarded as both people’s egos come against one another. Sometimes, a person might go to any means necessary to win someone else’s love, even if they aren’t in a relationship with them.
Who said all's fair in love and war?
The English poet John Lyly (1554? -1606) is credited with the first writing. However, it was written as the following in his romance novel Euphues: The Anatomy of Wit: “Any impiety may lawfully be committed in love, which is lawless.” Variations on this phrase continued throughout the years from a 1620 English translation of Miguel de Cervantes’ Don Quixote (“Love and warre are all one: and as in warre it is lawful to use sleights and stratagems to overcome the enemy: So in amorous strifes and competencies, Impostures and juggling tricks are held for good, to attain to the wished end.”) to the multiple-authored 1789 novel The Relapse, or Myrtle Bank (“…all is fair in love and war.”). This phrase was even found in a novel written for young adults by Francis (Frank) Edward Smedley.
What is meant by the phrase love conquers all?
Simply put, this phrase is often meant to mean that love is all you need to defeat whatever is in your path. For example, if you have a difficult relationship with a loved one, you can have confidence that you’ll get through it because the love you two share can conquer the issues between you. It’s a reductive phrase that sounds nice but may not always be practical in real-life relationships with serious problems.
Can you stop loving someone if you truly love them?
Love is not something you can quickly turn on and off like water coming out of a faucet. If you love someone, most likely, you will continue to love them, but that love might fade over time. If a loved one has hurt you, you likely still love them despite the hurt and subsequent anger. The hurt and anger may eventually dissipate, leaving you with the feeling of love once again. Maybe there are a couple of specific things that you love about the person, or you might have a general feeling of love toward them. People aren’t all bad or good, so recognizing the good might keep that feeling of love going. If you continue to be with someone you love even though that person isn’t the right fit for you, your feelings of love could turn to disappointment, sadness, or even resentment without ever regaining that love you once felt for the person.
There has been some research on regulating love. Love, seen either as an emotion or a drive, can be controlled via behavioral or cognitive therapy. The research authors conclude that positive effects can come from love regulation, while negative effects can decrease without it.
Regardless of how you’re feeling, if the relationship isn’t working, it can be crucial for you and your partner to discuss what’s going on. If you need another person to mediate, consider talking to a counselor. Staying in an unhealthy relationship isn’t beneficial for either of you, even if you continue to love each other. Sometimes love isn’t enough. Or, put another way, love doesn’t always conquer all.
How do you overcome challenges in a relationship?
Communication can be key in a relationship. If you and your partner are not communicating your needs and wants to each other or communicating clearly and respectfully, it could cause problems. If you want a loving, nurturing relationship with your loved one, both parties involved must put in effort make it happen. You can work together to identify the issues in your relationship and come up with solutions for them side by side. A troubling relationship can be turned into a healthier one with time, respect, love, and effort.
One study showed that three components that often need to match well among both people in a romantic relationship include passion, intimacy, and commitment. This match can bode well for relationship satisfaction and longevity. Although passion and intimacy usually decline, commitment does not; in many cases, it increases. A mismatch between two people with any these three components can cause more challenges in a relationship.
Sometimes, improving a relationship can be difficult to do on a couple’s own. This can be particularly true if they don’t have much skill in communicating and meeting each other’s needs and wants. This is where a therapist can be beneficial. A therapist can help a couple explore each partner’s needs and learn how to communicate that need. They can also teach strategies to improve the relationship and act as an objective neural party during conflict.
- Previous Article
- Next Article