What Are The Signs Of Financial Infidelity?

Financial infidelity occurs when one partner hides spending habits or other forms of financial information from the other. A few common signs include unexplained withdrawals, a sudden inability to view joint account information, and changes in credit reports that don’t seem to align with known spending habits. This type of infidelity can have emotional and financial impacts. Meeting with a financial advisor and a couples therapist may be beneficial.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity in a relationship has similarities to other forms of infidelity, as it involves a betrayal of trust. This type of infidelity typically involves keeping financial information and transactions secret. Financial infidelity can be defined as “engaging in any financial behavior expected to be disapproved of by one’s romantic partner and intentionally failing to divulge this behavior to them.”

How can you recognize the signs of financial infidelity?

A study from 2018 reported that around 27% of participants had kept a financial secret from their partner, indicating that financial infidelity may not be uncommon. In many cases, individuals begin to suspect financial infidelity when their financial records don’t seem to add up. Inconsistencies, unexpected charges or debts, and account balances that don’t match expectations can serve as red flags. It can be even more concerning when a person asks their spouse about these inconsistencies, and they answer in an evasive or defensive manner.

Secrecy related to personal finance, credit cards, money, and debt

Secrecy related to finances can be a sign of financial infidelity, which can be described as one or both partners lying to each other about money. Avoidance of conversations about finances may be one manifestation of secrecy. Individuals may want to prevent their partners from finding out about hidden debts related to secret credit cards, for example, or they may want to hide secret bank accounts, such as a secret savings account.

Behavioral changes as signs of financial infidelity

If you notice behavioral changes, such as stonewalling, defensiveness, or secrecy about financial habits, this could also be an indicator of financial infidelity. If your partner changes account login information and you suddenly can’t open or view financial information for joint accounts, this could be another red flag.

Unexplained financial activity

If you start noticing unusual activity in your finances, this could also be an indicator of financial infidelity. If credit reports suddenly change, financial records don’t square, there are unexplained deposits or withdrawals from financial accounts, or you uncover hidden assets, these can all be signs of financial infidelity. 

What happens when a partner hides personal finance information like debt and credit cards?

When a partner engages in financial infidelity, it can affect the relationship in multiple ways. The partner on the receiving end often experiences emotional turmoil and a sense of betrayal. In addition, the couple’s financial stability tends to be negatively affected. 

Emotional effects of withholding financial information

If you’ve found out that your partner has committed financial infidelity, it can be a dramatic betrayal of trust, similar to the betrayal experienced in response to emotional or sexual infidelity. You may experience a range of emotions after uncovering a partner’s financial secret, including grief, anger, despair, sadness, confusion, and worry. Trust in your partner may be damaged, and you may no longer feel emotionally safe in the relationship, which can lead to a breakup, separation, or divorce in some cases.

Material effects of withholding financial information

When financial infidelity occurs, it can compromise your current financial stability and your financial future. Unplanned debts or drained savings accounts can lead to a variety of financial difficulties. 

What does it mean if your partner withholds money?

If your partner is withholding money from you, this may constitute financial abuse. While financial infidelity usually involves keeping financial secrets and withholding information, financial abuse typically entails withholding a person’s ability to use finances with the intent to control, manipulate, and limit the autonomy of that person. If you are experiencing financial abuse or any other type of abuse, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support.

What can you do if you discover financial infidelity?

If you discover financial infidelity, having an open conversation with your partner may be the first step. In many situations, it’s necessary to speak to a financial advisor to determine how to move forward financially. Attending couples therapy together may help you move forward as a couple or split amicably, depending on your situation. It may also be helpful for both people to attend individual therapy. Often, hidden spending or financial secrecy stems from underlying mental health difficulties.

Protecting your financial future

If you discover financial infidelity and you are unable to work it out with your partner, finding a way to regain control over your finances can be crucial. Financial independence and security may help you move forward with more confidence. A financial professional may provide guidance regarding how to protect your assets.

Can couples therapy help you recover from financial infidelity?

If you’ve experienced infidelity in your relationship, whether financial or otherwise, therapy can be an important part of the healing process. Individual, couples, and family therapy may be considered. 

Couples therapy

If you’ve discovered financial deceit in your relationship, it may be helpful for you and your partner to attend couples therapy together. A couples therapist can help you understand what led to the betrayal, rebuild trust, and find healthy ways to move forward and rebuild your bond. It can be important to note that, in general, both partners need to be invested in the therapeutic process for it to be successful. 

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Individual therapy

Whether or not you decide to go to couples therapy, attending individual therapy can also be helpful for managing the effects of financial infidelity. For the person who engaged in infidelity, individual therapy can help them understand the root of the issue and what led them to hide their financial habits from their partner. For the other partner, individual therapy can guide them in managing the emotional fallout that often accompanies financial infidelity.

Online individual and couples therapy

Online therapy can be a convenient way to receive professional support for financial infidelity and many other mental health and relationship concerns. Couples can attend virtual sessions together, even if they are in separate physical locations, or they can schedule individual sessions. Added scheduling flexibility can make it easier to fit regular therapy appointments into busy routines. 

Research suggests that couples therapy via videoconferencing can be an effective alternative to face-to-face counseling. Both options typically use the same research-backed therapeutic modalities.