We Fight Too Much: I Want To Be Happy Again

Everyone can fight once in a while. Perhaps no two people can get along constantly, all the time. 

In fact, most experts agree that you may fight the most with the ones you love. This could be because you might trust that they will not run away or leave you for speaking your mind. And because you care what they think, you might want them to see things your way. Maybe arguing more in our relationships could be because of past issues that haven’t been worked out yet. The important thing to consider could be how, and how often, you two fight. What you are fighting about and how you resolve fights can be quite relevant as well.

How often you fight

Does it seem like you are getting into a fight with your significant other every time you try to have a conversation with them? Are you constantly arguing, sometimes even more than you are talking? If you were to sit down and think about it, how often would you say that you and your loved one have a nice conversation without someone getting angry? Even after the fight, are you still mulling it over? Maybe you would rather ignore it all and hope it goes away. Remember that although fighting can be a tough experience, it is typically better than ignoring things, because at least while arguing, you can communicate how you feel.

Constant bickering or nagging each other may not be a healthy way to communicate. Try to learn how to communicate without being mean, yelling, or name-calling. Taking a break from the fight for a little while can help you calm yourself so that you don’t say anything that you might later regret. Call a truce and talk about something else for a little while and then go back to talking about the issue when you are not angry anymore.

What you are fighting about

Whether you are fighting about major issues or just silly little things can make a big difference in the severity of the fights. For example, arguing over who left the kitchen light on might not be necessary. In fact, you may even be picking a fight because you are angry or stressed out about someone or something else. Many times, we can take out our problems on the ones we love. 

In contrast, if you are fighting over a major issue like money or infidelity, this may be an important discussion that you need to have. In this case, arguing can be a good thing. Not actually fighting but instead talking things over with your partner can be very important in cases like this. Try not to put each other down, call names, or blame your partner for things. 

How you fight

The manner in which you and your loved one fight can also be important. If you are being abused, controlled, called names, or the anger turns physical – call the domestic violence hotline immediately by dialing 800.799.SAFE (7233). Help is available at the hotline 24/7. 

Some of the signs of abuse include:

• Name-calling
• Controlling what you do or who you talk to
• Threatening you or your loved ones
• Harming you physically by hitting, scratching, kicking, etc.
• Taking your car or phone away
• Stopping you from going out
• Refusing to let people come over or distancing you from your friends and family
• Destroying your property
• Humiliating you
• Yelling and screaming
• Forcing you to have sex

How you make up after a fight

When you are in the middle of a heated argument, and you are both getting out of control, this may be the time when you both need to step back and cool off. Take a break. Do something else for a while. Take a bath, read a book, watch television, listen to music. Once you have both had time to cool off, you can go back and revisit the issue and maybe try to talk more calmly about it. However, everyone is different in terms of how long they can take to cool down after a fight. You might be over it in five minutes, but your partner may still be mulling it over hours after the fight. Give your loved one as much time as they need to cool down. Once you are calm, sit down and have a mature conversation about what you are arguing about.

Apologies

The first thing to do can be to apologize for your part of the disagreement. No matter what the fight was about, you both likely had a part in it. However, do not just apologize to each other and say, "let's forget it," because the issue is still there, and it probably still needs to be discussed, or it is likely to come up again.

Figure it out

Try to figure out what the real issue is. What are you upset about? Something small can turn into something big if you continue to ignore it. So, talk about what is going on, no matter how small the issue.

Listen to each other

There are two sides to every story, no matter who you may feel is at fault. Whatever they have to say about the issue, listen and hear their perspective. Consider their feelings. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see the problem from their side. 

Can online therapy help me be happy in my relationship again?

Who is at fault does not matter in the end. The argument should be you and your partner against the problem, not you and your partner against each other. 

After all, there is no winner and loser in the fight. You both lose when you fight, and you both win when you make up. And if you are still having trouble resolving arguments, then it may be time to talk to a couple's counselor about communicating better. Through Regain, you can talk to a certified online counselor about your relationship. On a survey about online couple’s counseling, 95% of couples said that the process had been “helpful.” To improve the communication in your relationship, get in touch with Regain.