My Partner Hates My Dry Sense Of Humor - What Should I Do?
Content warning: This article includes references to abuse and other topics that may be considered triggering. Please proceed with discretion. If you are experiencing or witnessing any form of abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
When someone doesn’t directly express their anger, displeasure, or disagreement, but instead expresses it indirectly, through sabotage and negativity, they may be acting passively aggressive. While this may not seem like a big deal once in a while, passive-aggressive behavior can cause friction and conflict, leading to resentment and confusion in relationships. Romantic relationships are no exception. If you notice your partner consistently acting passively aggressive, that may be a sign of underlying issues that need to be addressed.
With this in mind, in this article, we will explore passive-aggressive behavior in more detail: what it is, how it can manifest in relationships, and how couples can take steps toward clearer, healthier communication.
What is passive aggression?
Passive aggression, also known as passive-aggressive behavior, is a form of communication in which a person doesn't directly communicate negative emotions like disagreement, frustration, or resentment. Instead, they show their displeasure indirectly, in a way that can run counter to their actions. For example, a person may agree to do something, and then use subtly hostile behavior to express their disagreement, even though they outwardly agreed to the activity. It’s common for people to act passively-aggressively out of fear of conflict or as a form of manipulation.
Passive-aggressive behavior can lead to challenges and misunderstandings in relationships. It can also prevent couples from resolving conflicts. When one partner acts aggressively without directly addressing the reason for it, their significant other may experience confusion and hurt feelings. The passively-aggressive partner, on the other hand, may experience increasing feelings of resentment and frustration when the issue isn’t addressed, despite not actively communicating the problem to their partner.
Frequent passive aggression between partners may point to underlying communication issues, and, depending on the circumstances, can even be a sign of a toxic or abusive relationship.
What can passive-aggressive behavior look like?
When someone is acting passively aggressive, it can be tricky to recognize, because they will typically avoid directly expressing what’s bothering them. Instead, they may resort to indirect behaviors to show their unhappiness, such as:
- Sarcastic comments
- Backhanded or insincere compliments
- The silent treatment
- Sulking or acting like they're “in a funk”
- Intentionally sabotaging or interfering with agreed-upon activities
- Guilt-tripping
When asked what's bothering them, someone who’s acting passively aggressive may insist that nothing is wrong, that they’re just in a bad mood, or that they’re just imagining things, only to continue behaving in a way that’s subtly hostile.
How can couples manage passive-aggressive communication?
Healthy communication is a key component of healthy relationships. If you notice your significant other acting passively aggressive, the following tips may be helpful for changing the dynamic:
Avoid getting defensive. When your partner is being sarcastic or patronizing, it can be tempting to respond emotionally. However, this can lead to arguments, and at times make the conflict worse. It may be helpful to take a step back and get some space before you return to the interaction.
Try not to make assumptions. Because passive-aggressive behavior can make it hard to know what a person is thinking or feeling, it may be important to not make judgments based on their outward behaviors. Aim to avoid jumping to conclusions until you've had a chance to talk through the issue.
Practice empathy. Sometimes, people act passively aggressive because they are afraid to bring up an issue directly. Sitting down with your partner and raising the issue gently and empathetically may be useful for helping them open up about what's bothering them.
Make a habit of healthy communication. One of the best ways to prevent passively-aggressive behavior in relationships is to make a habit of managing disagreements in an open and healthy way. By creating a dynamic where it’s safe for your partner to openly disagree with you, you can set the stage for healthy conflict resolution in the future.
Because passive-aggressive behavior can sometimes point to other issues with a couple's communication or relationship dynamic, seeking outside help, such as couples counseling, may also be a useful step. Speaking with a licensed relationship therapist can allow both partners to express their feelings in a neutral, safe environment, get to the bottom of ongoing issues, and learn to address them in a more constructive way. A counselor can help couples develop the tools for strengthening their communication and avoiding misunderstandings, both during therapy and in the future.
Due to the cost of traditional couples counseling, which can be upwards of $200 per session—and is not typically covered by insurance—an increasing number of couples are opting for online therapy through platforms like Regain. With prices starting at $65 per week, and the ability to speak with a counselor from wherever is most convenient, couples may find virtual counseling to be a more accessible alternative to in-person therapy.
Studies have found online couples therapy to be an effective alternative to traditional counseling. One study, published in 2020 in Frontiers in Psychology, found that online couples therapy led to an increased therapeutic alliance between couples and their therapists. Another, published in 2022, found that couples who received counseling online saw similar improvements as couples who received in-person counseling when it came to relationship satisfaction.
Takeaway
Passive-aggressive behavior refers to a person communicating negative emotions indirectly, usually through subtly hostile words and actions. Forms of passive aggression may include backhanded or sarcastic comments, sulking, guilt-tripping, or sabotaging tasks or activities. In a relationship, passive aggression can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and a lack of conflict resolution. By practicing empathetic and healthy communication, and avoiding getting defensive or making assumptions, couples can set the stage for more open communication in their relationships. For couples who would like outside support in managing passive-aggressive behavior, counseling—either in-person or through platforms like Regain—may also be a valuable resource.
Dry sense of humor frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What does it mean to be a dry person-is it different than a dry sense of humor?
A dry person is someone who may or may not assimilate into society because they’re uninterested in mainstream hobbies or fascinated by things that others find boring. They also might not understand humor, meaning they’re not always laughing or joking around. However, they’re usually quick-witted when it comes to sarcasm and satire, plus they’re full of personality.
Dry humor is hard to pull off, after all, so it sometimes gets misconstrued when a person with a dry sense of humor speaks. Many people in this world can be described as having dry humor – one of the main types of humor involves responding to otherwise hilarious stimuli with little to no emotion. It’s one of the more difficult humor styles because it requires a keen understanding of context, satire, and sarcasm. Thus, a dry sense of humor can come across as rude or lacking a personality altogether. In many cases, a dry person actually has lots of character and spunk.
According to the dictionary, a dry sense of humor jokes often involve subdued language and/or gestures to communicate with wit. Thus, a dry sense of humor must possess a dry personality either consciously or subconsciously. A dry sense of humor and a dry personality are not the same things, though, as one describes a person’s silly side while others describe their overall mannerisms. For help determining whether you or someone you know has a dry sense of humor or not, or for guidance dealing with it, speak to a licensed relationship therapist as soon as possible.
What is the meaning of witty?
The dictionary says that “witty” means having a quick and inventive response during verbal banter. It does not pertain to intelligence, per se, however. People with a relatively low level of intelligence can still be witty as long as they’re familiar with a dry sense of humor. In fact, dry humor is one of the most difficult humor styles to master, so anyone who uses it can be classified as somewhat smart. The best dry humor examples often use witty, deadpan humor to communicate satire and sarcasm, frequently hiding shortcomings otherwise. Thus, wittiness is a skilled form of humor that integrates intellect with input.
A dry sense of humor does not always involve rudeness or a lack of personality but instead focuses on the less obvious human interaction factors while using empathy as the foundation. Some of the best dry humor examples actually offer insights into the struggles of the human condition, with clever commentary about common problems. So, to find out how to deal with this dry sense of humor and wit, speak to a licensed relationship therapist as soon as possible, or speak to a person with a dry sense of humor as often as you can.
Does someone with a dry sense of humor have no personality?
Everyone has a personality. It’s just that some people use a form of humor called dry humor. This personality trait is actually quite cunning and clever. It’s a difficult type of humor to master, though, and it’s sometimes misconstrued as spitefulness, anger, contempt, or bitterness despite its origins to the contrary. A person with a dry sense of humor may not seem very lively at parties, but their brains always work on something witty.
Thus, people who enjoy humor, jokes, and banter that involves sarcasm, satire, and dry humor are commonly described as having no personality. However, dry humor is quite the opposite of zero characters or a constantly level temperament. A person with a dry sense of humor is often extremely intelligent, interesting, and insightful about many things. Still, if you feel bothered by dry humor or want to change your ways, there’s hope. Speak to a licensed relationship coach for tips on how to deal with dry humor examples.
How do I stop being a dry person?
According to the dictionary, dry people often enjoy things that other people find boring, and they often find boring what other people are interested in. That, in turn, can cause problems with work, family, and love. Many people seek to change their dry sense of humor and personalities to fit in better with mainstream society.
If you’re a person with a dry sense of humor, fret not. You have choices, including either staying that way or doing something about it. Dry personalities aren’t always bad, though. Because dry humor is so difficult to master, many people don’t understand or appreciate it. Thus, it may take time to assimilate your natural demeanor with expected norms.
Meanwhile, here are three ways to speed up the process:
#1. Learn what it means to enjoy dry humor.
In the dictionary, dry personalities are often described as off-putting, standoffish, or insulting. They’re masters of their sarcastic and/or satirical craft, but they also come across as lacking empathy and respect. A person with a dry sense of humor isn’t mean; they’re just direct and witty. So, regardless of which side of the equation you’re on, learn this humor meaning to wield its powers more effectively.
#2. Study another type of humor.
Try to find other things that make you and/or your friends laugh. Dry humor has its place but understands that’s it’s not appropriate for all occasions. Thus, it’s important to learn different ways of communicating the same thing. Dry humor is usually hard to convey without offending somebody, especially in delicate situations. So, teach yourself new forms of wit to avoid unnecessary mishaps.
#3. Speak to a licensed therapist for personality modification.
If you’re still struggling to change your ways or develop different facets to your sense of humor, speak to a professional counselor for help. They can work through your humor triggers to uncover other ways of communicating agreement or whimsy. Then, you can begin “wetting” your personality to enjoy more substantial social interactions.
Is witty smart?
You can be witty without being smart, and you can be smart without being witty. That’s because wittiness is just a type of humor that involves quick, clever responses interpreted as humorous by the audience. Depending on the situation, a witty person may actually be seen as inappropriate, obnoxious, or insulting – none of which are very smart. That’s especially true where wittiness is used to convey dry humor.
In general, being witty or having wit means answering smartly with facetiousness or familiar vernacular. However, because of the quickness of response, many witty people are misunderstood as exceptionally intelligent. Thus, undue pressure is often put on those with wit to be smart or perform at higher levels. It is not the same thing as wise or experienced, though, so that’s a slippery slope with expectations that can lead to mental illness. Speak to a licensed counselor for help if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
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