Is She Using Me? Eight Signs You’re Being Taken Advantage Of

Being in a relationship with a special woman can be a rewarding experience—one in which mutual respect and fairness are paramount, and you both give and receive in equal amounts. However, in some relationships, an unfair dynamic develops, and one partner exploits the other’s kindness or devotion to get what they want. It’s not always easy to know when your girlfriend or wife is using you in this way, though. If you think that there may be an imbalance in your relationship, it can help to know how to identify common indicators of exploitative behavior so that you can address the situation and create a more balanced, healthier dynamic. To that end, we’ve put together a list of eight signs your partner is taking advantage of you. 

Eight signs she’s taking advantage of you

Often, the very kindness that your partner is exploiting is what makes it hard for you to see that she is being manipulative. You may be so enamored of her that you ignore red flags that indicate a relationship imbalance; or you might believe that things will change over time, so you don’t address the situation. If you suspect your partner is using you, continue reading to learn about behaviors that may signal such a relationship imbalance. 

She withholds affection

One of the easiest ways to spot exploitative behavior is to notice inconsistencies in how your partner interacts with you. Does her typically staid attitude toward you turn loving or flirtatious when she needs a favor? Emotional manipulation is an effective way of taking advantage of someone’s feelings—and withholding affection is a common method people use to achieve this manipulation.  

You might notice this type of behavior when your partner doesn’t get her way. She might be happy and attentive when she wants something, but then indifferent or even angry if you don’t respond favorably. This indicates that she is using your desire for affection for her own gain. In a healthy relationship, attentiveness and love are not contingent upon the fulfillment of one partner’s wishes.     

She lets you pay for everything

While it is normal for one partner to foot the bill the majority of the time in some relationships, if your partner never offers to pay, this can be a tangible sign that she’s using you. Some people take advantage of their partner’s generosity by letting them cover all the meals, travel, dates, and other expenses they incur together. 

Depending on your specific relationship, your wife or girlfriend may believe that you’d prefer to pay for things; or she may be uncomfortable bringing up the subject of money. But given modern dating norms, if she’s not trying to pay for any expenses, she may be exploiting your kindness. 

She doesn’t pay attention to you

Does it ever feel like your partner isn’t listening to you? Does she want both of you to focus on her life to the exclusion of yours? If your wife or girlfriend doesn’t listen to you or try to be part of your world, this could be a sign that she has ulterior motives.   

In a healthy relationship, partners provide support by listening to and empathizing with each other. It can be hard to share your life with someone else; so, if you’re putting yourself out there, and your partner isn’t responding, the relationship can feel one-sided.  

You may notice that your wife or girlfriend is disinterested if she forgets important facts about you, such as your favorite hobbies, details about your career, or your birthday. She may also check out when conversations turn to what’s going on in your life. If you’re putting energy into getting to know your partner on a deep level, but she isn’t doing the same, consider asking yourself why that is. 

She only wants things her way

You can often tell that a relationship is in harmony when each partner is willing to engage in activities that the other likes, even if they don’t particularly enjoy those pursuits themselves. If, however, you are consistently doing things your partner wants to do, but she doesn’t reciprocate, an imbalance likely exists. 

A person who is using you may take advantage of your kindness and flexibility by consistently eschewing your favorite activities in favor of her own. While it’s okay to engage with her interests frequently—even the majority of the time—if you find that she consistently shoots down your suggestions so that she can have her way, this is a red flag. 

She isn’t emotionally invested

A partner's lack of emotional involvement is one of the primary characteristics of an unbalanced power dynamic. Do you feel a strong sense of longing when you’re away from your partner that she doesn’t seem to reciprocate? Or do you express your feelings with her often, but find that she is unwilling to do the same? If you realize that you’re more emotionally invested in your relationship, this may be an indicator that your partner is taking advantage of you.

Your girlfriend or wife may signal a lack of emotional intimacy with you by failing to engage with you when you discuss your relationship or your emotions. She may try to avoid serious topics entirely or change the subject if you ask her about her feelings. 

It’s possible that your partner isn’t used to expressing her emotions or doesn’t know how to open up. But it’s also possible that she’s allowing you to become more emotionally invested so that she can have more power. In a mutually beneficial relationship, both partners put themselves out there emotionally

She doesn’t take responsibility

If your wife or girlfriend is unwilling to apologize and rectify the situation when she’s at fault, this can be a sign of a problematic relationship dynamic. It can be uncomfortable to admit that you’ve made a mistake, but taking responsibility for your actions is a show of respect that is often crucial to a partnership. 

You might notice that your partner is engaging in this kind of behavior if she frequently deflects the blame from herself onto you or others. She may also get defensive when you point out that she’s had a misstep, which can lead to conflict and tension. In this situation, your partner may be using you to avoid responsibility in her life. Individuals who have selfish tendencies often form relationships with people who will not hold them accountable for their actions. 

She excludes you from her social circle

Do you find that your wife or girlfriend doesn’t introduce you to friends, family, or coworkers very often? A partner who is taking advantage of you may not want you to have connection to the people in their social circle. This could be an attempt to keep others from seeing the way she treats you; or it could be a way of exerting control over you. Additionally, if she’s been dishonest in order to get her way in the past, she may be worried that the truth will come out when you spend time with her friends and family.  

She is seeing someone else 

Research suggests that infidelity is linked with certain personality traits, including low conscientiousness, which is primarily characterized by selfishness. If your partner has cheated on you in the past, this can be a serious indicator of a one-sided relationship, especially if it’s happened more than once. She may be taking advantage of your forgiving nature and love for her; or she may be using you to fulfill her emotional needs while forming physical relationships with others.  

How online therapy can help

Studies show that online couples therapy can help partners address challenges that lead to dissatisfaction in relationships, such as unfair relationship dynamics. For example, in a study of 151 couples experiencing distress in their partnership, researchers found that online therapy significantly improved negative aspects of participants’ relationships, and that these results were sustained a year after the end of the program. The study also mentions the increased affordability and accessibility provided by online couples therapy when compared to in-person counseling. 

Online therapy is a convenient and cost-effective way to address selfish behavior or similar concerns that are affecting your relationship. With an online therapy platform like Regain, you and your partner can work through challenges related to a power imbalance in your relationship remotely, through video call, voice call, or in-app messaging. Online therapy is also an affordable option—Regain memberships start at $65 per week (billed every 4 weeks), and you can cancel anytime. 

Takeaway

Being taken advantage of by a significant other can be painful; it can hurt your self-esteem, make you less trusting of others, and impact future relationships. However, by recognizing this behavior and working through it, you can ensure you’re safeguarding your mental health and avoiding exploitation. If you’d like further support addressing an imbalance in your partnership, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist online. With the help of a professional, you and your partner can foster a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship.