Is My Kid’s Temperament Normal?

No one knows your child as well as you do, but some days, their personality and behavior may leave you scratching your head. A lot of this confusion might be due to your child’s temperament. But what is temperament, and how does it play a role in your parenting?

Here, we’ll explore the general definitions of temperament, different types of temperament, the leading temperament traits, and how understanding your child’s temperament can lead to smoother parenting in the long-term.

What is temperament?

A lot of what people call the personality of your child comes down to their temperament. Psychologists define temperament as the inborn way that people respond to the world around them. The main components of a person’s temperament are something they’re born with, so a person’s temperament doesn’t change all that much throughout their life. However, the intensity of the temperament traits, explained below, can be affected by parenting styles and the family environment.

When looking at infant temperament or the temperament of youngchildren, there are three main factors that experts consider: 1) Reactivity, 2) Self-management, and 3) Sociability.

These three factors each exist on a spectrum, so your child might be described as having “high reactivity” or “low self-management.” Understanding where your child falls on each of these three spectrums is key to understanding your child’s temperament.

Let’s look at these temperament traits one by one and define them.

• Reactivity describes how strongly a child feels or reacts to events around them. A child with high reactivity tends to feel strong and be very active. They’re quick to react, whether the situation is good or bad. Children on the lower end of the reactivity spectrum might be described as “reserved,” and are usually less assertive and sometimes less active when it comes to physical activities.
• Self-management explains how in control of their behavior and feelings a child is. It also involves their overall attention span and persistence. If your child has high self-management, they’re likely to have a longer attention span and be able to control their emotions when something frustrating or exciting happens. Children with lower self-management tend to quickly change from one activity to another and require a lot of encouragement to get through tasks.

• Sociability describes how at ease a child is when they are confronted with new things, experiences, or people. Kids with high sociability tend to be more adaptable and love to be around other people, even from a young age. Those who are lower on the sociability spectrum are often great at occupying themselves and love routines.

Once you’ve explored these key factors of a child’s temperament, you’ll be able to see where your child falls on each of these three scales. Researchers have been able to generalize three temperament types when it comes to describing a child’s temperament traits. They are easy/flexible, active/feisty, and slow to warm/cautious.

Of course, not all children can be categorized into one of these boxes. However, research indicates that about 65% of children can, where 40% are easy/flexible, 10% are active/feisty, and 15% are slow to warm/cautious. The remaining 35% of children fail to fit neatly into one of these categories, but instead show a mix of the temperament characteristics. Naturally, these temperament traits vary in intensity from child to child, which is why children with similar temperament characteristics shouldn’t be immediately lumped into the same category.

Nervous temperament

Some new studies have found that, in addition to these initial three temperament indicators, there may also be a “nervous temperament.” While the nervous temperament doesn’t necessarily mean that your child is set up to be anxious or nervous for the rest of their life, it is a sort of early warning sign. The nervous temperament might be an indicator of future mental health issues, such as depression or reliance on drugs and alcohol.

However, it’s important to take these warnings with a grain of salt, especially if your child is still very young. While the nervous or anxious temperament may be a good indicator for older children, it is not as reliable when it comes to an infant’s temperament.

Temperament and personality

Now that we’ve looked at the definitions and major temperament characteristics, let’s look at how temperament is related to personality.  Many people think that personality is just a synonym for temperament, but that’s not exactly the case.

To start, temperament is considered an inborn part of a person. This means that while the intensity of certain temperament characteristics may change throughout a person’s life, their temperament as a whole won’t change.

Personality, on the other hand, is largely shaped by a person’s experiences. This means that while your child’s temperament isn’t likely to change with time and input, their personality can be shaped and molded by their experiences, including the family environment.

Both temperament and personality play a big role in behavior. So, the behavior that you observe in your kids is due to both their personality and their temperament. However, their behavior is also largely dependent on their experience, and children’s patterns of behavior often change as they grow and experience more.

So, is my kid’s temperament normal?

All of these definitions and examples bring us back to our initial question: Is my kid’s temperament normal?

Since infant temperament remains largely unchanged throughout a lifetime, there’s no way to target one “normal” temperament. According to The Long Shadow of Temperament, which is a book that explains the long term findings of Jerome Kagan and Nancy Sindman, who spent about 25 years observing children and their temperaments. They show how a growing number of identifiable temperaments can give insight into understanding children (and adults). They also discuss the applications of their findings when it comes to promoting positive parent-child relationships and healthy parenting practices.

When it comes to what many might refer to as “bad temperament” in infants or children, they’re probably actually referring to bad behavior. Such behavior might include throwing temper tantrums often or withdrawing and refusing to talk or cooperate with others.

The good news, though, is that unlike temperament and personality, behavior can be changed with some practice and patience over time.

Parenting to your child’s temperament

Now that we’ve explored the different facets of a child’s temperament, let’s look at some healthy parenting tips to promote a positive relationship between you and your child.

The first thing to remember is that your child is not the only one in the relationship with a temperament: you also have your temperament to take into account! By being aware of both the temperament of the child and your temperament, you’ll be able to adapt your parenting style to the needs of both the parent and the child.

Next, you need to determine your child’s temperament type. Remember, they’ll likely fall into one of these categories: easy/flexible, active/feisty, or slow to warm/cautious. Of course, your child may not fit directly into one of these temperament categories, and that’s okay. You may also want to get some help with determining your child’s temperament type; a licensed professional can help you identify your child’s needs according to their temperament and create a parenting plan that will benefit everyone.

Finally, it’s time to apply your understanding of your child’s temperament to your parenting style. There are some widely used tips for the three major temperament types.

• If your child falls easy/flexible category, you’ll likely have to initiate a lot of the communication, especially when it comes to explaining feelings. While your kid might be easygoing and laid back most of the time, they’ll probably need some extra support when it comes to sticking up for themselves and being assertive in appropriate circumstances. Making sure to encourage language use and validate their emotions are big steps in reaching these children.
• The active/feisty child often requires plenty of flexibility and patience. Since their reactions are often more intense, they may need more time or space to express themselves after any given incident. It often helps to teach the child to describe their feelings by modeling or asking exactly how they feel. It also helps if these kids know what’s coming next or what you expect of them, so that they aren’t surprised and thus don’t react as intensely.
• If your child is slow to warm/cautious, you’ll definitely want to set up and stick to a routine. Warn this child ahead of time if someone or something new will be joining the environment. Leave time and space for your kid to warm up to new people and new things, and don’t push the child too hard to hurry. These kids also like to hear and see reassurances from their parents.

Keep in mind that while these categories do encompass most children, there are still many who will fall in between or outside of these boxes. In those cases, it’s best to try several approaches and pick and choose which methods work best for your child.

It’s also worth remembering that each child’s reactions to these new parenting measures will vary in intensity. Plus, it might take some time to find a new rhythm while you’re modifying and improving your parenting style. So, even if it seems difficult or tumultuous at first, don’t give up! Ultimately, what will make the shift in parenting techniques effective is consistency and adaptability.