How To Tell If Someone Lacks Confidence When Dating -- And What To Do About It
Confidence can be an advantage when it comes to dating. When you date, you're putting yourself out there, opening up to other people, and allowing them to get to know you. This can be nerve-wracking for anyone, but a lack of confidence can make it even more so. Dating may require vulnerability and sometimes, the ability to take rejection with grace.
Exuding confidence can be a challenge for many people, and it makes sense that this is the case. Unrealistic beauty standards in the media compounded by wounds from past relationships and negative dating experiences can make people feel insecure. This can impact relationships and dating significantly. So, how can you tell if someone lacks confidence while dating, and what can you do about it?
A quick word on dating and confidence
Dating can be a process that takes time, and it may work differently depending on the individual. Everyone is unique, and that's a good thing. What works well for one person in the romantic scene may be disastrous for someone else.
Confidence may develop with time and experience. A person who is new to dating might not have the confidence of someone who has been dating for years. Each person might move at their own pace, and there's no rush or race to reach a finish line.
Different individuals may not have confidence when dating for various reasons, and it's important to be mindful of this. Newness and a lack of familiarity can contribute to a lack of confidence. Being consistently turned down can lessen confidence as well. Some people have also experienced abusive* relationships. Or, they may have experienced abuse or neglect in a family dynamic growing up. This can impact dating and future relationships.
Low self-esteem impacting dating and confidence levels can be caused by a variety of factors. Moreover, there are various ways that a lack of confidence might show up.
*Abuse comes in various forms, and it is always serious. Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) if you or someone you know is experiencing abuse.
Three signs that someone lacks confidence when dating
You can't predict what a person is feeling or experiencing. They may have to open up and tell you. However, some common signs and behaviors may be present in a person who lacks confidence while dating.
Extreme clinginess or extreme distance
When it comes to dating and romantic interactions, extremes on either end of the spectrum can affect a partnership negatively and indicate the absence of confidence.
Extreme clinginess may result from the fear of loss. Someone who lacks confidence may believe that they should hold onto romantic attention or affection before it inevitably disappears. Ironically, extreme clinginess can be the thing that drives away the other party. A similar scenario may apply when someone dates but is incredibly distant or wary of allowing others to get close to them. As with clinginess, someone with low confidence when dating might believe that they will eventually be abandoned. Therefore, they may keep potential partners at arm's length to shield themselves from being hurt later. This can also become a self-defeating prophecy. The other party may leave when they determine that the person isn't willing to be vulnerable.
This may have to do with someone's attachment style. Clinginess can be common in those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, and pulling away from intimacy is common in those with an avoidant attachment style. If someone is aware of their attachment style, this can help them better navigate their relationships.
Pathological lying
A lack of confidence may become apparent in time. However, some individuals may go to extremes to conceal insecurity when dating. One of these extremes includes pathological lying. A person who truly feels okay with who they are will have no problem opening up and letting the other person get to know them. By contrast, someone who doesn't have that confidence might have no qualms about lying.
Pathological lying may be a tactic someone uses to create a false image or conceal certain details about who they are. For example, someone might exaggerate achievements or lie because they aren't confident in their authentic self.
Emotional instability
Like extreme clinginess, extreme distance, and pathological lying, emotional instability is another indicator that someone might lack confidence when dating. People who don't feel good about themselves tend to take criticism personally, whether that criticism is real or perceived. For instance, they may start crying because they feel like you're looking at another person when you aren't. Or, they may accuse you of lying when you tell them that you like them. This can be confusing and jarring, and it could be a red flag that the person isn’t ready for a relationship.
What to do if someone lacks confidence while dating
It may be helpful to remember that we can only control ourselves. The person you're seeing may need to be aware of how a lack of confidence affects their dating and relationships. To improve the situation, they may have to want to change it. Depending on the context and how a lack of confidence might be showing up in your relationship, here are some things you can do:
Provide a healthy amount of reassurance
This can look like saying, "I enjoy spending time with you," "you're so cute," or a similar affirmation. For example, if the person you're seeing is self-conscious about talking to people or taking up space in a conversation, you might say, "I love it when you talk". If they're self-conscious about their appearance, don't give them advice on how to change it. Instead, let them know that you find them attractive. You may also want to be consistent. This may be common courtesy, but it can also make a big difference for someone whose past relationships have been inconsistent. Consider showing up consistently rather than vacillating between "hot and cold". If you're building a partnership, you may want to help create a safe environment for vulnerability. This may mean sticking to any boundaries you have, showing affection openly, and being someone other people can trust.
This doesn't mean that you should be the person's only source of reassurance or spend all day reassuring someone. If you start to feel overwhelmed, it may be time to say, "I feel hurt when you say those things about yourself, and I want to reassure you, but I understand that I can't be the only source of validation for you". From there, you might want to discuss how to create a healthier dynamic in the relationship moving forward.
Remind them of wins in their life
Most everyone has things that they are both proud of and not so proud of. Reminding someone who lacks confidence about their positive traits and accomplishments can be beneficial. For example, if they show you their artwork or talk about something great that happened at work, you could cheer them on. Specific compliments (e.g., "Wow, it's amazing how much you've accomplished" or "You have a great smile; your happiness is contagious!") can be both romantic and potentially helpful. When someone lacks confidence, it can take time to begin to internalize positive information about themselves. However, if they're putting in the effort as well, this can help create a supportive, healthy relationship.
Carry yourself with confidence
The way you carry yourself in this world can inspire others. Other people can be inspired even when you don't know about it. When you carry yourself with confidence, you might let other people know that it's okay for them to do the same.
Don't lose yourself
There may be nothing inherently wrong with wanting to help someone who lacks confidence when dating. Still, if you feel as though the attempts to be helpful are taking a toll on you, then it may be time to take a step back. First and foremost, you may need to prioritize your health and wellbeing. Sometimes, there is only so much you can do to help someone else. If they aren't putting personal effort in, these tips might not work.
Resources for help and support
If you or someone you know is going through tough times in life, having to the right help and support can be paramount. Sometimes, directing someone to available resources can make a positive difference and help them regain confidence or conquer other challenges.
Therapy is one option for working to build confidence, but sometimes an in-person therapy session can feel out of reach, especially for someone who experiences self-esteem issues. In circumstances like these, online counseling could be more feasible. Many people report feeling more at ease discussing mental health challenges in a web-based environment. Internet-based counseling could also save you time since you can skip the commute in favor of online sessions.
Science supports the use of online counseling to support self-improvement. One recent study showed that those undergoing online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) experienced positive outcomes, including mental health gains as well as increased resilience. The study reported similar results for in-person CBT.
Takeaway
Online therapy with Regain is available to anyone, regardless of who you are or what you may be going through. If you're interested in learning how to boost your confidence or move through other life and relationship challenges, therapy can help. Regain offers both individual and couples counseling, so whether you want to talk to a therapist one-on-one, with a partner, or both, support is just a click away.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):
What is a lack of confidence?
To answer this question effectively, let's first define what confidence itself is. The dictionary definition of confidence that may be applicable in this context is "belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance." A lack of confidence is the opposite. In other words, if someone lacks confidence, they may not believe in themselves. This is not a character flaw, nor is it a fixed trait. It is possible to build confidence or become a more confident person authentically. Some people hide a lack of confidence by tearing others down, which is not okay or effective.
What are signs of lack of confidence?
Potential signs of a lack of confidence are varied and differ from person to person. Still, you may be in an excellent position to help yourself or better understand someone else if you can identify them. These signs might include:
- High sensitivity. People who do not feel confident in themselves may respond to criticism harshly by taking it personally.
- If someone is highly critical of themselves or others, it may indicate a lack of confidence.
- Comparison to others. No one is immune to this, but a lack of confidence can sometimes lead to a frequent comparison of oneself to other people.
What causes a lack of confidence?
There are a lot of things that can cause or contribute to a lack of confidence. These things include but are not limited to bullying, past experiences, how someone was treated in their family, feelings of inferiority due to the media, ideas about what someone "should" be like or "should" have accomplished. Comparison to other people is all relatively common culprits. Identifying things that negatively affect your confidence level can be helpful if confidence is something you're working on.
How do I fix my lack of confidence?
Introspection and looking at the way lack of confidence shows up for you might be the first step. For example, do you find yourself constantly critiquing your every action? Do you find yourself behaving a certain way to please others, even if it makes you uncomfortable? Once you've identified which concerns, triggers, and experiences are most challenging and pressing; you can begin to combat and properly address them. Therapy is a great place to do this, and it's a safe space to work on confidence in general. You can the things in therapy that you wouldn't feel comfortable in other contexts, which can be powerful.
It can also be helpful to acknowledge that a lack of confidence isn't or serving you. That might sound strange, and you might wonder, "how would my lack of confidence be me?" But, if you think about it, there are some cases where a lack of confidence or behaviors that may indicate a lack of confidence could be a mechanism. For example, if you are down on yourself outwardly (maybe, you say, "I hate the way I look" or you don't let your partner look at you or touch you solely out of a lack of confidence), it might be a mechanism in the sense that you're trying to prevent yourself from getting hurt or experiencing yet another blow to your confidence level.
You may also consider looking for other experiences and anecdotes that focus on describing the process of developing confidence. Hearing what others have been through and how they have addressed their obstacles can empower you and give you ideas for implementing change in your own life.
How do I boost my confidence?
You can boost your confidence level by being kind to yourself and other people. A lack of confidence can make us want to avoid new situations and people, but sometimes stepping outside one's comfort zone can be a significant step in the right direction. Positive affirmations, therapy, and challenging negative thoughts about yourself can all be advantageous in boosting your confidence.
We can be our harshest critics when it comes to any part of our behavior. But, by coming to terms with who you are as a person, identifying what you like about yourself, and being the best person you can be, you can boost your confidence and feel more at peace. Being kind and supportive toward others will allow you to surround yourself with equally supportive and genuine friends, family, and acquaintances.
How do you date when you're not confident?
How do I get confidence while dating?
Can you date with low self-esteem?
How does low self-esteem affect dating?
How do you date a woman with low self-esteem?
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