How To Talk To Someone With Anxiety

Nearly 40 million people in the United States alone live with an anxiety disorder. This amounts to roughly 18% of the population. If you haven't come into contact with someone who has anxiety yet, you likely will at some point in your life. Someone you know might be having chronic anxiety thoughts and may not be aware that they have an anxiety disorder. Being on the outside looking in is hard when you see someone you care about in distress. People generally want to help someone who has anxiety but may not be sure how.

Loving someone with anxiety can be challenging, but it isn't necessarily difficult. Wanting to help them is the first step. If you go into a conversation with an open mind, a willing heart, and ears to lend, you are halfway there. If you are dating someone with anxiety disorder or someone exhibiting anxiety symptoms, you can follow these simple guidelines to engage in a conversation with them.

Start with listening

Anxiety is irrational. A person with an anxiety disorder can know the rational answer and still can't shake the feeling that something will go wrong. And that feeling overrules everything and anyone else. In those moments, it is best to listen. Model calm behavior, tell them to breathe, and allow them to talk things out. Understand that you may want to improve everything, but that doesn't mean you always can. Sometimes they don't need your advice or a solution; they need to be heard. Your reassurance and presence are enough to take the edge off of their anxiety, at least enough to start a real conversation. 

It is not likely to be helpful to suggest that someone who has anxiety should just "snap out of it." Having an anxiety disorder is debilitating at times and extremely hard to overcome. Their fears may be irrational and tricky to deal with. By listening first, you are giving yourself time to come up with something better to say than "snap out of it." Remember that many underlying factors come with anxiety, so one conversation won't cure them.

Educate yourself about anxiety

Everyone faces anxiety at some point in their lives, but there is a big difference between temporary anxiety and anxiety disorders. Helping someone with anxiety starts with learning about anxiety. Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), social anxiety disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) are some of the more well-known anxiety disorders. Other more common ones are post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), performance anxiety, as well as specific phobias. Each disorder presents differently and, as such, must be treated differently. 

Disorders cannot be diagnosed by reading articles or books on the topic. Only seeing a therapist in person or online or going to a doctor can help put a name to those feelings. But if a friend or loved one has confided in you about a certain disorder, a little bit of research into how the disorder presents itself and how to cope with it can be very helpful when you want to talk with them. There are many great resources to turn to, like the Anxiety and Depression Association of America or The Mighty, a social media resource for people going through a variety of mental disorders, including anxiety. Reading first-hand experiences from people who have felt the same way as your loved one can be very uplifting. In addition, there are many anxiety tools and tips for loved ones to use to find the right language and empathy needed for a productive conversation.

Be there for them

When anxiety becomes debilitating, it can make a person feel like a burden. You may notice signs of them going through it in silence before they become willing to talk to you. The importance of being there for them cannot be stressed enough. If you suspect a friend or loved one is feeling anxious but isn't ready to talk, make sure they know that you are available when they're ready. Not forcing them to talk but giving them the option will help them choose to confide in you when the time is right. It also shows that you have empathy and won't judge them.

There are many different forms of "being there." Sometimes it's simply sitting and listening, as was mentioned before, but you can take on more of an active role at other times. You may be asked for advice, an agreement, or to help them take their minds off whatever makes them anxious. 

When anxiety gets too high, and it's all they can think about, try to change the subject. If you can get them to laugh, great, but you can also find something they're interested in talking about or doing. Ask your friend or loved one to go for a walk or change rooms; this can offer change of scenery and help interrupt the stream of negative thoughts. 

The important thing to remember is that it doesn't really matter what you talk about. When you engage in distraction techniques with your friend or loved one, you're reminding them that they aren't alone in the world and that their thoughts aren't the only thoughts out there. You're helping to bring them to a place of calm and confidence.

Practice healthy living strategies together

When talking to someone with anxiety, you may want to offer suggestion for a healthy alternative to overthinking. Exercise, especially yoga, has great benefits for your mental health. There are also breathing techniques you can research that may be useful during a panic attack or massive anxiety episode. Offer up a spontaneous dance session in the living room. The world is your oyster!

Another strategy is to help them do whatever is causing them anxiety. If someone is afraid of making a phone call, offer to sit next to them and walk them through the steps to make the phone call. Physically list out what needs to be done. Then celebrate the victory when it's over. For someone living with anxiety, accomplishments that may seem like small victories can feel like big victories, and they are truly meant to be celebrated.

Encourage them to get help

If you're close enough to someone with anxiety to talk with them, think about encouraging them to get professional help through therapy or other treatment options.  Anxiety can be hard to manage on one's own, and licensed mental health counselors are available to teach the right coping mechanisms and tools needed to maintain a happy and healthy life. Your encouragement can help destigmatize the thought of therapy and hopefully make your friend or loved one more open to the idea.

The great news about therapy is that there are so many different options to choose from. While a primary care doctor can listen to your struggle and advise you on a treatment plan, they may not be the person to whom you should go first. Licensed mental health counselors and social workers are available for in-person, phone, and even online sessions so that each session can be matched to a person's comfort level. If your friend or loved one is hesitant about therapy, try offering to go with them for moral support.

Regain is an online counseling platform designed to help couples seek counseling together (though individuals can get help, too). It is a great tool to use if your spouse or partner is experiencing anxiety and you want to be there to help them. 

The great part about Regain is that all conversations are had without the hassle of driving to a physical location and working around what could be a jam-packed schedule, as sessions are done through the computer, phone, or via text messages.

Online cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) has proven to be an effective treatment for anxiety. Through this process, negative thoughts and behaviors are examined and processed, then new positive thoughts and behaviors are put in their place. Your loved one might benefit from this form of talk therapy.

Takeaway

Whether you choose to recommend Regain or an in-person counselor or simply offer an ear to listen to your friend or loved one with anxiety,  the above tips hopefully give you an idea of where to start. Letting someone know that they are not alone in their fears is the best thing you can do to be supportive. They are likely to greatly appreciate your support.