Acknowledging And Working Through Shame When It Affects Your Relationship
Shame is a powerful emotion that most people feel at some point in their lives. Although shame can be healthy in limited amounts for promoting cooperation, growth, and forgiveness, it can also be destructive. When people don’t work to overcome their shame, it can seep into their relationship and begin to have detrimental effects. Identifying, acknowledging, and dealing with shameful feelings can be crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.
What is shame?
Shame is an uncomfortable, strong, and painful emotion that arises when someone feels that they’ve done something wrong. It often brings discomfort that no one wants to deal with, and many people try to ignore or suppress how they feel. However, pretending that those feelings don’t exist is usually difficult, especially over an extended period.
How shame affects relationships
Although people usually try to hide their shame, it can end up undermining their relationships when those suppressed emotions impact their words, thoughts, and actions. When people feel ashamed, they usually keep their heads down, avoid eye contact, blush, or force a smile. Emotionally, they may show annoyance, denial, or irritability. The effects of shame often make thinking clearly very challenging. Some experience their mind going blank, a state of confusion, or have no words at all.
A person experiencing shame may feel detached from others and have difficulty talking about it. This can be problematic in relationships, which are often built on emotional connection. When the emotional intimacy between partners becomes weak or damaged, it can negatively impair the relationship and even threaten it. Emotional barriers can make it hard to establish boundaries or create limitations. On the contrary, working through shame can bring couples closer while also helping them grow as individuals.
If you've done something wrong to hurt your partner's feelings, it may be difficult to admit it or apologize for it when shame is present. Shame can make you feel uncomfortable but also create a false perception that you're not good enough. Not feeling good enough can sabotage an otherwise healthy relationship, or even cause someone to leave their partner so that they don’t have to deal with those uncomfortable emotions.
Shame may be an underlying cause for relationship problems without couples even realizing it. It can be common for couples to experience disagreements when it comes to things like money or intimacy, but there is often something deeper causing those conflicts. For example, money can create problems when partners are not happy about how it is spent. One partner may see the other’s spending habits as out of control or feel that what’s being bought is unnecessary. However, underneath the surface could be feelings of sadness or neglect, particularly if their partner won’t listen to their concerns. When partners work on dealing with their shame individually and as a couple, they may experience greater relationship satisfaction and less conflict.
Tips for processing shame
When shame isn’t addressed appropriately, it can affect how you make choices in your life and in your relationship. Talking about your shame might be the last thing you want to do, but it could also be essential to helping your relationship move to a healthier place. Here are a few suggestions to help you cope with unhealthy shame:
Learn how to pay attention to your feelings
It takes courage to explore your feelings but being open and honest about them can help you understand them from a new perspective. Take note of your reactions and emotions in the relationship and consider how they affect your partner.
Establish an environment that encourages patience and transparency
Partners can overcome shame together by creating a healthy environment for one another. Open communication can be key for allowing each person to express their feelings as they arise. When both partners can acknowledge their shame and work through it together, it can also make it easier to practice forgiveness.
Know how to show support
Talking about and dealing with shame can be difficult. If your partner chooses to open up to you, be respectful and try to treat them the way you’d want to be treated. Sometimes, they may just need someone to listen, while other times they might want to be comforted. Asking your partner how you can support them can be one of the most effective ways to show them that you have their back.
Learn how to work through your shame
There are proactive ways to deal with shame, such as talking about it with someone you trust, learning to acknowledge the feelings associated with your shame, and writing about your emotions to increase self-awareness. You can also work with a therapist for professional guidance. Taking the necessary steps to overcome shame on your own can help prevent it from affecting your relationship.
Be truthful about your feelings
When trying to move past shame, it can be essential to remain open and honest. Try to avoid denying or defending who you are, how you feel, where you've been, and what you want. The more transparent you can be about your emotions, the more your partner can understand where you’re coming from. This level of honesty can help each of you achieve acceptance of each other along with workable solutions for a favorable outcome.
Accept your partner for who they are
Acceptance can be key to a positive, healthy, and fulfilling relationship. Everyone has flaws, including you and your partner, but that doesn’t make either of you any less deserving of love. When your partner makes a mistake, try to remember that they are only human. Give them a chance to apologize and avoid holding grudges when they express remorse. Letting yourself off the hook by practicing self-acceptance and self-forgiveness can allow you to do the same for your partner.
What happens if you don't confront shame?
It can be vital to address unhealthy shame once it’s recognized for what it is. Unresolved shame can lead to unintentional behaviors or emotions that may affect your well-being as well as your relationship. Low self-esteem, anxiousness, and depression can all develop over time as shame takes root in the mind and body. Codependency can be another side effect of unaddressed shame, leading people to stay in relationships that are abusive, one-sided, or unhealthy.
When avoiding shame, people may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drugs, alcohol, or gambling— which could even lead them to addiction. Partners may have shame that originated elsewhere before they became a couple. For example, someone who someone has been in an abusive relationship could experience a loss of emotional confidence, eventually leading to shame. This could carry into and impact the dynamics of their new relationship. Even minor critical remarks can cause shame to develop.
Confronting shameful feelings may not always be simple, but it can often be worth it. Many relationships can be safe havens for support and healing, which is why being in a healthy partnership can be so important.
Online counseling with Regain
Talking about shame can be important in uncovering its root and eventually overcoming the feelings that are causing it. If you need someone to confide in about the shame you’ve been experiencing, talking to a therapist could be a viable option. Regain is an online counseling platform that can connect you to a therapist with the click of a button. Speaking about the things from your past that have caused you to feel shameful can be incredibly difficult. However, being able to talk about these topics from the safe space and comfort of your home could make all the difference. Regain also offers couples counseling so that you and your partner can grow productively in the relationship both separately and together.
The efficacy of online counseling
Shame reduction can be a crucial outcome of online counseling and play a vital role in the treatment of various psychiatric disorders. In one study, those participating in an online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) program experienced fewer symptoms of social anxiety disorder over time. Researchers found that these outcomes were the result of a reduction in participants’ levels of shame proneness. They concluded through this study that conditions like social anxiety disorder can be successfully treated by targeting shame.
Takeaway
Shame can affect relationships in a variety of ways. It might influence one’s thoughts, emotions, and feelings, and carry into various key parts of the relationship. It can be essential to recognize and confront shameful feelings to avoid the damage that they can cause. A healthy, loving relationship is possible when you learn productive ways to cope with shame. Confiding in an online counselor can be helpful when shame feels too overwhelming to handle on your own. With support and healthy coping techniques, you can learn how to move past the feelings that are holding you back from the relationship and life that you desire.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What are the signs of shame?
Since shame is a complex emotion, it can come in many different forms. Its signs and symptoms aren’t always easy to spot, but you may consider looking out for the following:
#1. Fantasies About Disappearing
One of the most common signs of shame is the desire to run away or disappear. Shameful emotions often cause a person to disconnect from others and isolate themselves while they nurse their wounds. This might include avoiding phone calls, canceling plans, or making excuses for being antisocial.
#2. Anger Or Rage
Anger is another symptom, and it’s typically brought on by a person’s inability to accept the reality of their situation. Oftentimes, it’s easier to blame others for our mistakes. However, anger works as a mask for our true emotions and can be a major sign that we carry shame.
#3. Blame (Of Self)
Self-blame happens a lot when you feel shameful. Imagine, for example, someone getting feedback from an instructor. If that student responds with “Why am I so incompetent?” they may carry shame that hasn’t been addressed properly.
#4. Sadness Or Anxiety
Shame can make it difficult to enjoy a healthy relationship because it can cause depression and/or anxiety. This is especially true for people who feel shameful about something that pertains to their love life or social circle.
#5. Addiction
Those who feel shame often seek solace in drugs, alcohol, food, sex, or other addictive things. Substances and distractions are then used to numb painful emotions, creating a dangerous snowball effect that may cause even bigger problems over time.
Look for these signs and stay vigilant about your mental health. To heal from shame, it can be important to talk about your negative emotions and self-critical thoughts with a counselor or someone else that you trust.
How do you deal with a hurt husband?
Dealing with a hurt spouse can be tough when the emotions are raw. However, it’s often worth working toward a happy solution if you want to save your marriage. If your significant other is upset about something, try the following:
- Find out what caused the hurt. This can require lots of active listening and an open heart that doesn’t judge. So, be kind and try to hear what your spouse is saying.
- Ask if there’s something you could do to help or change. As long as it’s not a drastic shift in your fundamental personality or values, it can be fair to adjust yourself for the sake of your relationship.
- Practice forgiveness and empathy. Remember, there may not be much to learn from resentment and little to gain from coldness. So, be honest, but allow your spouse to express their feelings naturally and try to comfort them.
- Offer something in return. Apologize if you’ve hurt your spouse. Give them a meaningful gift to say sorry or make a conscientious change to prevent the hurt from happening again.
- Seek professional help if you need it. Don’t be afraid to reach out for expert marriage advice, especially if the hurt is too deep or the healing process is too slow.
Intimate relationships require empathy, patience, and hard work. So, let these positive, uplifting, and compassionate approaches help you heal before the problems get out of hand.
How do I treat my husband responsibly?
Healthy marriages can be formed by each spouse treating the other in a respectful, responsible, and loving manner. When spouses are happy, they’re more likely to find satisfaction within the relationship. Responsible spouses can be defined by several different factors, including but not limited to these:
- Cultural norms
- Religious dogmas
- Social practices
- Personal preferences
- Pre-nuptial agreements
- Marital vows
- Mid-marriage promises
Based on those things, a spouse’s duties can and will vary greatly. Still, some basic behaviors span across many cultures and societies:
#1. Avoid bitterness or resentment.
Angry, indignant partners can make it feel impossible to have a happy relationship.
#2. Try not to nag.
Give your partner constructive feedback but leave plenty of room for organic growth without harsh words.
#3. Have lots of respect.
Understand that your spouse is a lovable human being with unique life experiences that deserve respect.
#4. Be patient and kind.
No two people behave the same, so try to keep your partner’s good intentions in mind by being kind. Assume the best of them.
#5. Practice forgiveness.
Allow your spouse to make mistakes without turning them into major problems.
#6. Take care of yourself.
Taking care of yourself can help you be there for your spouse.
#7. Treat your in-laws well.
Try not to show disrespect or resentment to the people your spouse loves.
#8. Stay faithful.
Infidelity can be one of the biggest acts of betrayal, so avoid any kind of disloyalty.
For more help with treating your spouse responsibly, consider talking to a marriage therapist.
What is core shame?
Most people experience shame at some point in their lives. However, core shame is something different because it originates from a more primitive place in our brains. Human beings are visceral creatures with animalistic instincts. In general, the species wants to be constantly revered and win every prize. However, reality paints a different picture that ultimately contributes to foundational feelings of shamefulness and regret.
For example, dutiful guardians teach their children to be respectful, hard-working, and well-mannered despite their natural urges to the contrary. If everything works out, the child’s primitive narcissistic instincts will shrink, and they’ll develop a healthier sense of self instead. Alternatively, if things don’t work out, that child could reach adolescence with a deep sense of core shame for not properly understanding the confines of reality or for placing blame on themselves.
What is the root cause of shame?
It can be hard to feel happy or make a relationship work when you feel shame, so it can be important to understand the root cause. In general, shameful emotions emerge in childhood. You could develop a negative self-image because of the hurtful messages you received as a child. Oftentimes, that shame persists as we self-evaluate with an overly critical eye, especially about situations over which we had little to no control. More specifically, shame may stem from the architecture of evolved disease avoidance. In other words, it may be caused by revulsion and guilt being reflected on one’s self - i.e., viewing the self as the root cause of the mental or emotional defect.
Where is shame held in the body?
Shame can affect many parts of the brain and body, but it most often causes stomach pains and/or body language changes. For example, we commonly feel shameful emotions in the pits of our stomachs. Or we begin to walk, talk, and move differently due to our negative mental state. However, shame can also affect the entire anatomy as we search for a haven from judgmental eyes.
What part of the brain controls shame?
The neuroscience of shame is fascinating, although there’s still much to be discovered. So far, neuroscientists understand that shame typically originates in the frontal lobe of the brain. The frontal lobe controls cognition, emotion, memory, judgment, and even our sexual tendencies. It’s essentially the “motherboard” of our brains - the medial and inferior frontal gyrus that dictates our personalities and perceptions of reality.
Interestingly, guilt and shame usually go hand-in-hand. However, guilt is processed in a different part of the brain. According to research, emotion is controlled by the brain’s amygdala and insula. This tells us that both shame and guilt are activated by the emotion-processing centers of our brains - most notably the ventral striatum and bilateral dorsomedial prefrontal cortex, which are responsible for self-evaluation. If you don't know how to cope with guilt or shame, consider seeking the help of professionals.
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