Six Tips For Getting A Bad Boyfriend To Change His Ways

Note: The following article contains issues of domestic abuse and addiction. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). For substance use disorders, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357

Relationships are unique, so getting a “bad” boyfriend to change his ways may depend upon the situation and the people involved. Your definition of a bad boyfriend might include someone who isn’t supportive or understanding. At the same time, another may say a boyfriend doesn’t treat them right because they would rather spend time doing other things than being together. 

But for most, the hallmark of a bad boyfriend is that their behavior is hurtful. They may undermine you, say things that hurt your feelings, give you “silent treatment” as a means of control (stonewalling), or dismiss things that are important to you. One of the most definitive signs of a bad boyfriend is if he exhibits behavior that creates a toxic relationship. 

A toxic relationship may include disrespect, constant fighting, gaslighting, and other harmful behaviors. At their worst, toxic relationships are abusive, and getting your boyfriend to change may not be viable. In such cases, protecting your mental health and safety should be the biggest priority, and you may need to leave the relationship entirely. 

But if it isn’t so serious, his intentions are good, and he’s willing to work on the relationship, there are ways you can encourage your “bad” boyfriend to grow and change his ways for the better. 

Discuss your feelings

There might be much to discuss, depending on how bad your boyfriend is. Before he can change, however, he’ll need to understand that there is a problem. You might think it’s obvious that his actions are hurtful, but he may be oblivious. In these cases, communicating with him is essential. 

To work on your relationship, you must move forward together, which often means staying mindful of how you approach difficult conversations. That’s not to say you shouldn’t express yourself in any way you think is appropriate, but consider that if your tone is less accusatory, he’s less likely to “shut down” or become defensive. Let him know that you want to work on things together so that you can have a future. 

Try to be supportive

Your boyfriend might need support so that he can change over time. If he has been an immature man up to this point, then he probably won’t change overnight. If you love him, you can try to be there for him while he becomes a better version of himself. After talking things over, he might be willing to try to change some of his behaviors, so he doesn’t lose you. 

Being a supportive partner will be about communicating with him about the problems he faces that contribute to his behavior and choices. For example, if he drinks too much, what makes him want to drink? Ask him his thoughts on the subject and how you can help. Tell him you’re there for him and want to improve things. If you approach this subject with love and helpful intentions, your boyfriend will be more likely to attempt change.

Set boundaries

Setting boundaries is also crucial when you want things to change. You don’t have to make ultimatums- it’s just good to clarify that certain things aren’t acceptable. For example, let your boyfriend know you will not let him talk down to you or treat you poorly. Perhaps he has an anger problem and sometimes takes his bad days out on you by yelling or saying hurtful things. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate behavior like this, and you’ll leave if he can’t talk to you with respect.

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries. Often, people are scared to set boundaries in relationships because they think it will push their partner away. If your boyfriend isn’t willing to accept basic boundaries and respect your wishes, the relationship is likely unhealthy and won’t work out anyway. How he reacts will determine whether you can move forward productively in your relationship. 

Work on strengthening your relationship

Have you been spending much quality time together? Love is an excellent source of motivation, but sometimes the mundane activities of daily life can cause us to take each other for granted and forget how strongly we love each other. If you don’t get the chance to bond as much as you’d like to, make it a point to reconnect. Spending time together doing things you enjoy will help you grow closer, which could be the nudge in the right direction your boyfriend needs.

Set a good example

Your actions can healthily impact your boyfriend and set an example for good behavior. For instance, if he flies off the handle quickly or has anger issues, you may begin meditating or taking daily walks in nature to show him how those habits can help him stay calm and focused. If he has poor money management skills that impact your relationship negatively, you could show him the benefits of saving money by avoiding frivolous spending yourself. 

These little changes can trigger something in your boyfriend and show him that he needs to change some behaviors in his life. It may not always work, but many boyfriends will follow suit after seeing their partner make positive life choices.

Replace harmful hobbies with healthy activities

If your boyfriend spends too much time doing things that lead him to make bad choices, then replacing those behaviors with something else might help. Even taking up a new hobby that helps focus the mind positively could be helpful. Consider your options, and then see what your boyfriend might be interested in doing. 

For example, if he enjoys outdoor activities, give him a trial membership to a climbing gym to see if it’s for him. If he likes sports, see if he’d be interested in joining an intermural sports league. If he’s interested in music, look for music appreciation classes or a concert series he may enjoy. Eventually, a healthier version of your boyfriend could become a much better partner for you.

When bad behavior is abusive

There are times in any relationship when someone is hurt by something their partner says or does. These are usually done unwittingly and only require an apology and a hug. But sometimes hurtful behavior goes beyond the innocuous and becomes abuse. In these cases, leaving the relationship should take precedence over attempting to change an abuser’s behavior. 

The American Psychological Association defines abuse as: “Interactions in which one person behaves in a cruel, violent, demeaning, or invasive manner toward another person or an animal. The term most commonly implies physical mistreatment but also encompasses sexual and psychological (emotional) mistreatment.”

Abusive behaviors in a relationship include, but aren’t limited to:

• Controlling behaviors - especially those that create distance between you and your friends/family. An abuser may demand to keep your phone, dictate when and where you go, and even force you to leave your job. 

• Gaslighting
• Undermining or belittling
• Name-calling or demeaning behaviors
• Blaming all the relationship problems on you
• Pushing the relationship forward too quickly for your liking or “love bombing”
• Guilt-tripping
• Boundary pushing, whether sexual or otherwise
• Contempt

Many forms of abuse include physical, sexual, emotional, financial, and neglect. This is by no means an extensive list; these are only some potential warning signs that can be seen in a relationship. Listen to your instincts, and know that if something feels wrong, it probably is.

Work on your relationship in online therapy

Despite its many benefits, some couples don’t seek help from a professional. They may have barriers to accessibility, scheduling conflicts, or financial concerns. Some people don’t feel comfortable speaking with a therapist in person due to intimacy issues or stigma. 

But online therapy provides an excellent solution to these obstacles and more. Platforms like Regain help couples speak to an online therapist tailored to their unique relationship needs via phone, text, online messaging, and video chat. You can talk to a counselor from the comfort of your home on a schedule that works for you- often for less than traditional therapy without insurance coverage. 

A growing body of research also shows that relationship counseling is as effective as conventional therapy for helping couples cultivate healthy relationships. For example, a 2020 study published in Frontiers in Psychology measured the effectiveness of relationship therapy via videoconferencing for 33 couples. In the study, the couples reported they were “able to connect with the therapist effectively, and that the video actually enhanced the therapeutic alliance, due to a greater perceived focus on therapy processes.” 

Below are some reviews of Regain counselors from people experiencing relationship challenges:  

Counselor reviews

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think differently. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”

Takeaway

With a good boyfriend, you'll notice that the partnership is characterized by mutual respect and affection. A good boyfriend will uplift you, respect you as your own person, and work on your partnership when there are problems. If your relationship isn’t quite to this level yet, or if your boyfriend exhibits bad behavior that hurts you and makes it difficult to be together happily, it’s probably time to begin the conversation of how to change it. 

The tips outlined in this post will likely be helpful, but you may still need help communicating and moving forward. If so, relationship counseling is an excellent complement to the work you’ve already begun. An experienced counselor can help you uncover the roots of your differences, discuss how both of you feel about these conflicts, and adopt healthy strategies for communication and moving forward.  Couple’s therapists also often work one-on-one with each individual in the relationship to address the underlying causes of hurtful behavior and how it affects their lives and relationships.