Five Signs Your Partner Is An Emotional Manipulator

Note: This article mentions circumstances of domestic abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for assistance.

Sometimes it can be easy to tell when someone is manipulating you, but it’s not as apparent at other times. When we are attached to someone emotionally, our judgments can be clouded, and we don’t always think critically and rationally about the situation. When we are with someone who takes advantage of this, it can be even harder to detect when we are being manipulated, and the signs can slip past us unnoticed.  

Emotional manipulation is a form of abuse that can affect anyone regardless of gender, age, and background. If you think you’re the target of a manipulator, it’s vital to learn to recognize the signs and get support. This article will discuss some tell-tale signs that you are with an emotionally manipulative partner and how to handle them—or cut ties if necessary.

They constantly criticize you

One of the most common emotional manipulation techniques is to employ criticism and judgment. This makes the manipulator’s partner feel inadequate and self-conscious, whether it’s regarding how they look, think, feel, communicate, or anything else. It gives the manipulator a sense of power and superiority.

Eventually, a manipulator can convince their target that their judgment can’t be trusted and that only the manipulator’s point of view is correct or valid. In this way, emotional manipulators in relationships use criticism to control their partners’ lives. 

In most cases, the “flaws” or “weaknesses” that an emotional manipulator picks on are fabricated so that they can cause self-doubt. They might also try to be clever and conceal these criticisms as humor, but if you get upset at the “joke,” they accuse you of having a poor sense of humor or being thin-skinned.  

They like to guilt-trip and blame you

Emotional manipulators often go to great lengths to make their partners feel guilty, even for inconsequential things or things that they are uninvolved with.  Creating guilt can manifest in many ways. However, in relationships, it often involves the manipulator “spinning” a situation around to make it seem like they’re doing you a favor by loving and forgiving you despite your “transgressions,” even though you did nothing wrong. 

Examples of how a manipulator uses guilt negatively can be commonly found in everyday domestic circumstances. For example, if you cook a special meal for a manipulator, they may subtly complain by saying things like “Well, it’s not bad, but it’s not what I’d prefer” or “It’s oversalted, but I know you like more salt-- that’s how you usually cook.” But they’ll then immediately turn things around to say something like, “But I still love you, and as long as you’re happy, I don’t mind having to set aside my needs.” 

Sometimes this form of manipulation can make people feel guilty in a direct way. For instance, a manipulator may blame their partner for why they feel sad or angry, even if they had nothing to do with it. Manipulators who use guilt usually target a person’s weaknesses and soft spots, which for many people in relationships, are the need for love and appreciation from their partner. Manipulators often make their partners feel that they are responsible for their happiness. By doing so, they can mentally coerce their target into doing things for them.

They use intimidation or fear to control you

While some emotionally manipulative people like to be passive-aggressive with their approach, others are more direct and do things forcefully. These individuals prefer to use aggression to have their way, which typically manifests as them speaking or shouting loud enough to intimidate their partner. When paired with harsh language such as profanity, threats, and intimidating body language, they can use fear to control their partner.

In aggressive situations, manipulation can easily lead to physical abuse. In the US, it’s estimated that every minute, 20 people are physically abused by an intimate partner. If your partner is physically, sexually, or otherwise abusive, you must leave the relationship as soon as it’s safe to do so. This can be easier said than done, but resources and support are available through the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). 

They use “facts” to intellectually bully you

Lying and making excuses for their behavior are trademarks of an emotionally manipulative partner. But emotional manipulators also like to use information to their advantage—whether facts or fabricated; they will use them to try to gain control of the relationship. 

Often, if a manipulator knows that you have limited knowledge about something, they will bombard you with information, such as statistics, to force their biases and convince you of their credibility. In some situations, they might even deliberately withhold information that shows you are correct about something. Forcing one’s “expertise” on another is a subtle way to win an argument, even if they are in the wrong. 

Sometimes, there might not be any motive other than they want to feel more intelligent and superior, and they’ll overwhelm you with information that may or may not be accurate. Conversely, some people will pretend to be ignorant about something to avoid responsibility.

They involve you in their insecurities

Emotional manipulators often don’t intend to work on or even acknowledge their own insecurities, instead using them as an excuse for their behavior or to control a situation.

For instance, your partner might try to prevent you from talking to any of your friends who they think could be romantic competition for them. They might make a real or fictional reason, such as they’ve been cheated on and have trust issues, or they may point out times that you’ve behaved in ways that have “made” them jealous. This way, they don’t have to acknowledge their insecurities; they can simply blame you for their jealousy. The ultimate goal in situations like these is to control whom you interact with. 

A manipulative individual may also use their insecurities as leverage to force your attention.  For example, if they intimidate you and lash out in anger during an argument, they may try to say that they reacted that way because they were afraid you would leave them. The goal is to get you to sympathize with them and minimize their actions. It also makes you lose focus on your problems, and theirs becomes the priority. 

How to handle an emotionally manipulative partner

If you’ve paid attention to the signs and determined that you are in a relationship with a manipulative person, it’s important to learn how to “disarm” them and keep them from controlling you. It’s equally important to understand when the relationship is salvageable and when it probably isn’t. When engaging with an emotional manipulator, there are a few techniques you can use to defuse the interaction before it becomes harmful to you: 

• Take a breath and try to calm your nerves. Manipulators often use intense emotional responses to exploit their targets; staying calm and even-tempered won’t give them a way to do so. 
• Address the issue directly. When you notice the manipulation, point it out to them. Many manipulators become derailed (in the moment, at least) when you let them know that you know what they’re doing. For example, suppose your partner tries to manipulate you by intimidating or emotionally overwhelming you when they don’t get their way. In that case, you may say something like, “If we can’t have a reasonable conversation about this, we shouldn’t discuss it at all.” 
• Ask for and provide specifics. Manipulators often resort to “always” and “never” statements. For instance, if you and your partner attend a party together and they say you “always ignore them to talk to other people,” say, “Can you give me specific examples so we can have a more in-depth conversation about that?” If they say something like, “You never tell me you appreciate me,” point out specific times when you have expressed your appreciation and follow up by pointing out the things you appreciate now.  
• Set boundaries and stand your ground. Let the manipulator know you expect them to respect your wishes and boundaries. For example, if the manipulator uses guilt to control how much time you spend with friends, tell them that just as you spend ample time with them, you’ll spend as much time with your friends as you like. 
• Step away from the situation. Disengaging from the interaction lets the manipulator know you won’t tolerate their behavior. You may calmly leave the area and go for a walk or to a loved one’s house, or you can verbally disengage by telling them that you won’t participate in the conversation because you can’t see a resolution that satisfies both of you.  

It’s vital to note that if you feel unsafe while engaging with a manipulator, you should stay calm and leave the area as soon as it’s safe to do so and seek help. Sometimes, conversations become heated, and a partner seems unreasonably angry; if anger turns to violence, recall that the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).

Overcome emotional manipulation in online therapy

One final point to make about emotional manipulation techniques is that they will typically happen in the places that both of you are comfortable in, such as at home or in the car, because the manipulator will have the most control in these places. The signs are also less likely to be present when others are around, particularly people who can expose them, such as friends and family. However, if subtle enough, they can still go unnoticed and persist in these settings.

If you’re in a relationship with an emotional manipulator, avoid isolating yourself from friends and loved ones, and be kind to yourself. Manipulators are often experts at concealing their behavior, and it’s not your fault if you didn’t recognize that you’re in a relationship with one until now.  

Many people choose to leave a manipulative partner, but others decide to seek help from a professional and work on the relationship together. Not only is relationship therapy an excellent tool for resolving your conflicts and working through difficulties, but it’s also helpful for identifying individual issues that may contribute to problems in the relationship. In the case of an emotional manipulator, a therapist may speak to them one-on-one to uncover the roots of their behavior. 

Online couples counseling through platforms like Regain is a convenient, affordable option for couples seeking support in strengthening their relationship. With online counseling, you can book appointments when convenient for you and attend sessions from the comfort and safe space of home via video chat, online messaging, phone, and text. Virtual counseling is also as effective and often more affordable than traditional therapy without insurance. 

Takeaway

With therapy, there is hope for rehabilitation for emotional manipulators and healing for their partners. Reaching out to a relationship counselor through Regain is the first step to recovery.