Alcohol And Anger: A Violent Cocktail Mixed By An “Angry Drunk”

Updated July 30, 2021

When your partner is an “angry drunk,” life can be confusing and unpredictable.  Many “angry drunks” may become verbally or physically aggressive when intoxicated, acting in an incongruent way with how you may know them to be when sober.  Because of this behavior change, living with an “angry drunk” may feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells to avoid triggering an argument.

This Jekyll-and-Hyde routine can often leave partners of “angry drunks” feeling conflicted; At the same time, they may recognize that their partner’s drunken behavior is unhealthy or even abusive, they may also overlook or minimize these actions because their partner is “not themself” when they’ve been drinking.  By rationalizing their behavior in this way, an “angry drunk” may deflect any responsibility for their actions by blaming what they’ve done on the amount of alcohol they’ve consumed.

Despite how common these rationalizations have become, studies show that these are merely excuses we tell ourselves to help make sense of the seemingly nonsensical shift we see when those we love turn into people we don’t recognize as they drink.  Rather, science supports a far more grim reality than many of us may be willing to bear – that “angry drunks” are not only capable of anger and violence when sober but are actually predisposed to it, putting their partners and other loved ones at risk of serious harm.

Alcohol And The Brain

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Alan Harper Neal once wrote that “some people dismiss their own hurtful words with the excuse that they were drunk, angry, or tired.  But, those conditions and others don’t change our beliefs. They only indicate our comfort in revealing them.” These words eloquently reflect the science behind alcohol and its effect on the brain.

Alcohol is a disinhibitor.  Simply put, this means that alcohol doesn’t cause someone’s personality to change – it merely reveals traits that are already there.  Alcohol can reveal more about some people’s personalities than others, often showing a side of them that shocks their friends and family alike.  People who change the most when drunk may have learned to hide traits that were socially unaccepted.  For “angry drunks,” this may mean that they are prone to anger or aggression when sober that they actively repress to avoid stigma or consequence, but feel free to let themselves be angry when drunk because it is considered more socially acceptable or excusable.

Furthermore, alcohol consumption can impair someone’s executive functioning skills, making it difficult for them to control their impulses and make rational decisions. As such, someone who has been drinking may not control their emotions in the same way they would while sober.  Therefore, someone who already struggles with anger management would lose their ability to suppress their emotions and may even become aggressive due to this.  Alcohol does not cause this reaction, but it does exacerbate it.

Alcohol And Domestic Violence

Let us be clear:  alcohol, by no means, causes domestic violence.  Millions of people choose to drink and go home to their partner every day without causing them emotional or physical harm.  Similarly, a great number of people can and will abuse their partners every day without ever consuming a drop of alcohol.  There is, however, a strong connection between alcohol consumption and domestic violence that cannot and should not be ignored.

Studies show that alcohol, more than any other intoxicant, is involved in perpetuating violent crimes.  Partners of “angry drunks” may be some of the first recipients of this violence because they either share a household with that person or spend more time with them than others.  Research conducted by the WHO indicates that over 55% of people who experienced domestic violence believed that their partner had been drinking before perpetrating an act of violence against them.  Their research goes on to suggest that “heavier, more frequent drinking increases the risk of violence” and that “ intimate partner violence is more severe and more likely to result in physical injury when the perpetrator has consumed alcohol.”  This may, in turn, increase the risk of lethal force being used when your partner is under the influence.

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What to Do About An Angry Drunk

If your partner is an “angry drunk,” day-to-day life can be difficult and even dangerous.  You cannot predict what will make your partner angry or how they will respond when they’re drunk.  Because of this, there is no definitively effective way to prevent your partner from blowing up.  This is never your fault; if your partner is an “angry drunk,” there is nothing you can say or do to cause or prevent an outburst – their anger is almost always inevitable.

Many partners of “angry drunks” find that, while they can’t prevent their partner from acting aggressively towards them, they can minimize the amount of harm done to them by creating and using a safety plan.  Having a safety plan in place can help a partner of an “angry drunk” better respond to dangerous situations, giving them several ways to get away from an angry outburst before things become violent.  If you’re struggling to create a safety plan for yourself, consider the following strategies:

• Watch your partner’s drinking habits and try to identify any patterns in their behavior leading up to an argument or outburst. If, for example, you notice that they start to become aggressive after the third drink, see if you can find an excuse to get away from them before they hit that point.
• Do a quick walkthrough of your home to familiarize yourself with every possible entrance and exit. Create a plan to ensure you can get out of each room safely.
• Pack an overnight bag with a couple of days worth of clothing, toiletries, and other essential items. Consider leaving this in your car, at a friend’s house, or somewhere you could easily get to if you needed to leave quickly.
• Reach out to local friends or family members to see who you could stay with if your home becomes unsafe. Ensure you know where their spare key is hidden so you can easily get inside if they are asleep or out of town.
• Keep your phone charged and your keys accessible. If your partner is prone to taking your phone, consider investing in an inexpensive pay-as-you-go phone and hiding it somewhere in your home.  This can ensure you have a lifeline to first responders if your partner becomes violent.  If they take your keys, consider hiding some spare car and house keys somewhere they wouldn’t look.

• Consider downloading a personal safety app that can communicate with law enforcement, first responders, and/or selected loved ones if you find yourself in an unsafe situation.
• Create a “safe word” with your loved ones that you can use to let them know you may be in trouble. Ensure the people you contact most are aware of this word and plan what to do if they ever hear you use it.
• Talk with any neighbors you trust about calling the police if they hear your partner yelling or breaking things.
• Keep some doorstops around your home to make it more difficult for your partner to follow you into a room.

Know that, while the list above identifies some strategies for staying safe before or during incidents of abuse, it is by no means exhaustive; every person’s relationship is different and, as such, every person will need to come up with a unique plan that is tailored to addressing their specific needs.  For help creating a more personalized, in-depth safety plan, consider contacting your local domestic violence program or calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline to speak with an advocate.

Getting Help With An Angry Drunk

Finding help for an “angry drunk” isn’t always easy.  Sometimes, their harmful behavior may even begin to bleed into their everyday lives; you may notice that they are becoming more aggressive in their day-to-day interactions with you or others in their lives, seeming angry when sober.  This can complicate an already difficult conversation when trying to address your partner’s problematic behavior.  While many people may want to confront their partner and say, “Hey, you’re an angry drunk, and I think you need help,” this won’t always yield positive results.  Many “angry drunks” may rationalize or excuse their behavior to avoid taking responsibility for causing another person pain. They may try to claim that their behavior isn’t as serious of a problem as you say, or perhaps even blame you for their actions.  These are common responses to being confronted with the truth.

Unfortunately, there is no one “right” way of getting help with or for an “angry drunk.”  Every person has to decide whether their relationship is worth trying to salvage or if the damage caused by their partner is irreparable.  You ultimately know what is best for you.

If you’re willing to continue working on your relationship, consider talking with your partner when they are sober about their drunk behavior and how it’s impacting your relationship.  Consider confronting them with text messages, photos, or videos that show the type of person they become when they’ve been drinking.  While difficult to discuss, this can be a necessary wake-up call for your partner to help them realize that they have a problem.  If your partner isn’t receptive to one-on-one conversations, or if you feel it would be safer to talk with them in a group setting, consider enlisting friends and family to help you talk with your partner if they’ve witnessed their drunk behavior.

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However you choose to have this conversation, be prepared to talk with your partner about potential treatment options.  Anger management classes won’t be enough to address this problem; you must choose a comprehensive treatment program that addresses both their drinking and anger management simultaneously to ensure your partner has the scaffolding necessary to change their behavior by learning to better handle and cope with their emotions.  Studies show that one of the most effective interventions in a comprehensive treatment program is therapy; both individual and group sessions can help your partner learn more about their behavior and how it is tied to their thoughts and emotions, giving them the ability to take responsibility for their past actions while learning ways to prevent future harm.  Other interventions are often used in tandem to support these efforts, such as other more holistic approaches like massage or meditation.  Check in with your partner regularly when they are receiving treatment to help them identify what is and is not working so that you can make adjustments as needed.

If you decide that your relationship cannot be saved or too dangerous for you to be involved with your partner, choose to leave my spare you significant heartache.  This can be an empowering, liberating decision, but it can often come with unforeseen complications; for many partners of “angry drunks,” leaving their relationship can often put them in even more danger.  Their former partner may be angered by this decision, causing them to lash out.  Consider reaching out to a local domestic violence agency if you think this might be the case; a trained advocate can help you adjust your safety plan, talk with you about the pros and cons of filing for an order of protection, and even assist you in finding safe shelter, if necessary.

Whether you have chosen to stay in or leave the relationship, many “angry drunks” also benefit from individual counseling.  Talking with a licensed mental health professional can provide you with a healthy outlet for expressing your thoughts and emotions, allowing you to process through any lingering feelings you may have about your partner’s past words or actions.  If you feel you might benefit from therapy, consider reaching out to the ReGain team of licensed mental health professionals for compassionate, convenient, and confidential support.

“Anet is very competent at her job. She is trustworthy, doesn't "take sides", asks great questions, is empathetic, and has helped my boyfriend and I in more than just our direct relationship issues… She is also familiar with addiction, that my bf was dealing with. My BF and I have grown significantly closer since we have had our sessions with Anet over the last few months. We understand each other's needs much more now, and as a result, we don't accidentally hurt each other like we used to do. I highly recommend choosing Anet as your counselor.”

“Working with Ralph was a great experience for me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend was apprehensive about any form of therapy, but Ralph’s approachable and non-judgmental demeanor made it easier for my boyfriend to be receptive to him. He cited a lot of techniques and had us learn and use them in our communication. What helped a lot was also the small attainable goals he helped us set that we actually achieved, which made us feel productive without feeling overwhelmed. He’s very flexible with his schedule and always checked in to see how we were doing. I would highly recommend him to any couple who could use some guidance.”

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I get angry at my partner when I drink?

Drinking alcohol can exasperate the emotions that a person is feeling. If you find that you often get angry or overwhelmed at your partner when you drink, it may be time to consider minimizing your alcohol consumption or stop drinking altogether. Anger is a difficult emotion to manage, and it may make you react in ways that don’t feel beneficial to you long term. 

If you want to stop drinking, consider seeking out help from a therapist. Whether you’re angry when sober or when you drink wine, therapy can help you understand what triggers you to get upset. Being around a person with a drinking problem can be difficult for many people, and you must recognize the warning signs as early as possible.

What does it mean when you get angry when drunk?

Sometimes people drink wine and feel more relaxed. Other times, it may amplify emotions that they’ve been trying to suppress. If you’re starting to feel like you may have a drinking problem, it’s important to seek help for the sake of you and your family. A therapist can help you stop drinking without judgement and help you understand why you feel angry when you’re intoxicated.

Becoming hostile or emotional may make you want to quit drinking. It may also make you question whether you have a drinking problem or dependent on alcohol. The best thing you can do is seek guidance from a licensed counselor to help you sort through your emotions.

Why am I always angry and irritated with my boyfriend?

This can depend on the relationship. You and your boyfriend may have underlying tension that needs to be resolved through effective communication. If you aren’t able to have a healthy conversation about the things that are bothering you, it can create underlying issues that will come up when you’re intoxicated. As difficult or intimidating as it may be, it’s important to try to talk about your frustrations. This may be easier if you think about what you’re frustrated about and come back to it once you’re calm. Then you can decide what your true feelings are and how you want to verbalize them.

If you believe that you or your partner have a drinking problem contributing to tension in your relationship, it’s important to talk about that. It can be challenging for many people to stop drinking, and having a strong support system can make an everlasting difference.

Is it OK to get mad at your boyfriend?

Sometimes people feel upset with their partner, and that is perfectly normal-everyone gets mad sometimes. Issues can also arise if one person struggles to stop drinking or lets impulsive decisions direct their attitude. It can be challenging to be at either end of the stick in these situations. There is a difference between being in a healthy relationship with conflict and a relationship that is unhealthy.

If you or your partner struggles to stop drinking, you must understand the situation together. Though it can be a difficult process, people who feel affected by drinking can find healing in their relationships.

What alcohol makes you happy?

Some people find that alcohol can emit feelings of happiness or comfort, even though it is technically a depressant. This is why so many people struggle to stop drinking. Though drinking alcohol is a very normalized part of society, it still affects our emotional reactivity. It can help people push off emotions that need to be addressed and avoid conflict because of it. But it can also cause people to discuss things they wanted to keep private or say things they wouldn’t normally say.

Each individual needs to understand their individual relationship to alcohol and be aware of how it affects their life.

Why do I go crazy when I drink?

If you start feeling like you’re making irrational decisions when you’re drunk, it may be the time to stop drinking. Though some people can drink regularly and feel comfortable, many others find that they aren’t comfortable with how they react to situations when intoxicated. Conflict is a normal part of life, but if it starts to feel like alcohol is charging your emotions, it may be time to cut the cord.

What is a toxic relationship?

What defines a “toxic” relationship depends on the behaviors of the people involved. Some tell-tale signs can keep you informed on whether your relationship is headed in an unproductive or even toxic direction. Here are some things to look out for:

• You don’t feel comfortable around each other.
• You feel scared that your partner is going to lash out
• You don’t feel open communicating your emotions
• You feel isolated by your relationship (starting to drift from other friendships and relationships)

What is a toxic girlfriend?

Toxicity in a relationship is often directly connected to controlling habits and anger that may seem unjustified. Though arguments are common for couples, constant difficulties may be directly tied to the need for mental health treatment. If your partner is making you feel unsafe, it’s important to protect yourself and your emotional well-being.

If you start to feel like your relationship is becoming toxic, consider seeking individual or couples counseling. Though it may seem like a daunting step to take, a therapist is the best person to divulge your feelings to. They are experts at helping you recognize unhealthy patterns, and they have the skillset to help you move forward. Though it may be difficult to step away from a relationship charged by weighted emotions, it’s sometimes the strongest step you can take toward future happiness.