What Does Divorce Mean For My Kids? Understanding Children Of Divorce

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

At what age does divorce affect a child?

A child’s reaction to divorce could depend on how old he or she was when the parents got a separation or divorce. Regardless of age, children of divorce and adult children of divorce will likely be affected somehow, according to research, which can last until they become adult children. The topic of children and divorce can be a complicated one regardless of age.

• Babies
• Babies can feel the tension between their divorcing parents, or, as some studies suggest, even while children of divorce are in the womb. This tension can result in irritability and clingy behavior, along with frequent emotional outbursts. Thus, one of the best ways to help children of divorce in this stage is to provide your child with constant comfort and security.
• Toddlers
• Children of divorce who are toddlers can severely impact their previously established main bond with their parents. Toddlers may also believe that they are at fault for their parents’ separation or divorce, leading to feelings of guilt and shame. If left untreated, their feelings can still affect them even as adult children. To avoid this outcome with adult children of divorce, you can provide a child with as much love and support as possible or, in extraordinarily difficult cases, consider temporarily placing the child with a loved one.
• School-aged children
• If children of divorce have been living a loving life, a parent’s divorce (separation or divorce) can surprise them and make them feel as if they are being abandoned. Children of divorce aged 8 to 11 may assign one parent as good and the other bad. Even though things are rarely this black and white, children may require more clarity and communication. In turn, people with divorced parents at this age may have angry outbursts or face depression. These feelings can still exist for them as adult children of divorce. You can help your child through a divorce by encouraging him or her to join clubs or pick up a new hobby for relaxation.     

Divorce can also affect adult children in different ways. In multiple excerpts from Lelia Miller’s book about divorce, the author compiles multiple examples from her book into a few categories: unacknowledged feelings, abandonment, loss of the first family, a different view of the world, and lifelong grief. Miller’s lesson from her book can be that divorce does not end for the child. Adult children of divorce may judge others more carefully, look at the world from a different viewpoint, or feel different themselves. 

However, it’s important to note that a divorce’s impact on children only changes the child depending on how they view the divorce. A parent has no control over the child’s thoughts. A parent can try to do separation and divorce to try and help the child as much as possible. These efforts can go a long way to help a child through a divorce.  

Will divorce ruin my child?

Divorce will not likely “ruin” your child so long as you take steps to ensure your child’s mental health. The idea of ruining a child is inherently flawed. Just because a child has a justifiably adverse reaction to something upsetting does not mean he or she is ruined. The impact on children of divorce varies depending on age and personality type. For example, children of divorce may express themselves by starting fights with other children at school. In other cases, younger children could hide their feelings. If left alone, both situations can see adult children of divorce deciding that their parent's divorce can influence. Yet shame or lack of understanding could exacerbate these situations, and exaggerating a child as ruined can minimize valid emotions.

There are ways to help your children learn to cope with your divorce. One such way is to look up how other parents managed their children through a divorce. This contributor from Huff Post explains how their kid transitioned well after the divorce. The author recommends that other parents in a similar situation focus on their own health, as well as letting their kids’ voices be heard. As such, both the parent and child can recover from the divorce and transition into being their best selves. 

Of course, this is not always an easy task for younger and older children. Adult children of divorce may feel stressed and worried about the impact of their parent's separation or divorce. If adult children of divorce are in college and rely on their parents for financial aid, then the question of their cost for attending could affect their school performance. 

After parents divorce, adult children of divorce may also be worried about visiting family relatives over the holidays and other special occasions. Depending on the severity of the divorce, adult children may feel awkward or uncertain about visiting their grandparents on either side, impacting other facets of their lives, such as relationships.   

Unfortunately, adult children of divorce are increasing as older parents are seeking separation and divorce options. The New York Times references a 2012 study that establishes that the divorce rate among those older than 50 has doubled in those last two decades. Furthermore, the article provides many examples of adult children of divorce and explains how these children are coping with divorce. Some started a blog, while others consulted a support group of people with divorced parents.

As the article points out, adult children of divorce struggle in dealing with their divorced parents. But through the help of other resources available to them, like on the Internet, they can usually find a way to manage their lives as adult children of divorce.     

Who gets the house in a divorce with children?

For children and divorce, the house might be a focal point of your conversations with your spouse. Whoever gets the house depends on who decides ownership. The decision-maker can be either you or your spouse. Both parties can discuss the factors involved in which person will own the house. They can include the following:

• Finances
• Emotional investment
• Kids

If divorced parents cannot make up their mind on owning the house, they may bring the issue to court. Depending on the state, a judge may decide that the house will go either to one specific parent or demand the house be sold. The best way to prepare yourself for every possibility during a trial is to consult an experienced family law attorney based in your state. They can typically tell you the laws of your state and provide advice regarding your financial situation or if you can realistically keep your home.   

Should we stay together for the kids?

Divorce is not only often hard on the parents but also children of divorce. Thus, it is natural for either party to question if they should stay together for their kids. Children of divorce may be heavily impacted by their parents separating. Younger children may have emotional outbursts. Older children can feel stress about any situation that revolves around their parents, such as help with paying college tuition. 

For parents, these are important questions to ask yourselves. Children of divorce can be helped by supporting their parents and other helpful resources one can find online. Younger children and adult children of divorce will all handle divorce differently. Still, ultimately the parents must decide if they are creating more problems by staying together than by choosing to separate.

How does divorce affect a child's behavior?

If parents divorce, a child’s behavior may become affected to a certain degree, sometimes depending on their age. Babies may sense the tension between parents and feel stressed in turn. School-aged children may react to the divorce through angry outbursts at school or by distancing themselves from their family and friends. 

Helping your child through your divorce can be difficult, especially if one parent looks after the child as a single mom or dad. But helping your child may not be as hard as some divorced parents fear, so long as they are also finding help for themselves. You can ask for help from close family and friends and search for support groups focusing on divorce. Children often pick up on adults’ emotions, even when they think they’re hiding it well, so help, healing, and moving on are important for everyone during a divorcee.