Unspoken Rules And Established Expectations: How Does Dating Work?

So, exactly how does dating work? How do people meet people to date in adulthood? In many of the movies and TV shows we watch, people meet other people by hanging out in bars, going to parties, and hitting on the attractive people they find in those spaces. Real-life, however, is usually a bit more complicated and a bit less convenient. Dating has become simultaneously easier and more difficult with the advent of convenient online dating sites and apps. You may need to rely more on learning how to navigate your age group’s norms than adhering to a set societal standard when you're out there trying to date.

What is dating?

“Dating” is a term used to describe the action of two people getting to know one another in hopes of a romantic connection. Anything apart from this definition usually falls under another definition, including friends with benefits, being a part of a couple, or even being in a “situationship,” a term used to describe a friendship/relationship hybrid that often goes undefined.

Dating can be done in a few ways, but there are generally three distinct types of dating: dating in person, dating over long distances, and dating online. Each of these types of dating might interact with one another and eventually morph into one another.

Dating in person

Dating in person is the most common type of dating and the form of dating that usually contains the most rules. Dating someone in person means that you see them on a somewhat regular basis, you go out on actual, physical dates, and you are in some way involved in each other’s lives.

The rules for dating someone in a face-to-face setting usually involve the basics of etiquette, as well as unspoken rules, such as how long you should date before you are considered a couple, how long you should wait before you develop a sexual relationship, and how long you should wait in between communications.

Long-distance relationships

This is perhaps one of the more difficult types of dating, and the expectations can vary widely. For some, long-distance dating is extremely casual and is far more akin to a romantically leaning friendship than an actual dating relationship. Nevertheless, long-distance dating is neither new nor unheard of and is becoming more common in a world increasingly reliant on online sources of meeting potential partners. Meeting people on message boards or interest-focused social media, for instance, can connect two people half a world apart, which can spark romantic attraction.

Long-distance relationships usually involve regular text, phone, or email communication, in addition to FaceTime, Skype, or other platforms for visual communication. This allows long-distance partners to connect and forge intimacy regularly. 

Some long-distance relationships are more unconventional in their approach to fidelity and are more permissive of sexual encounters outside of the relationship, understanding that some people require regular sexual outlets, with or without intimacy and a relationship. In long-distance attachments, emotional fidelity is usually more important than physical fidelity.

Dating online

Dating online is often a fusion of in-person and online dating; much of your interaction is reliant upon the internet and telephones at the beginning of your relationship. Gradually, as more interest develops via these types of communication, your dating situation might morph into an in-person arrangement. Dating online can start in numerous ways: meeting via a message board, meeting via a dating app or website, or meeting through social media sites. In most cases, the initial interactions are the same: someone initiates contact, the conversation continues, and, perhaps, an in-person meeting is arranged.

How dating works

So as a whole, how does dating work? Dating typically begins with flirting. Rather than marching up to someone you’ve never met and asking them on a date, you will usually develop an attraction to someone (even if it only takes a few minutes), strike up a conversation, and after a period of flirtation, pursue a date. The duration of a period of flirtation will differ from person to person and situation to situation; some people flirt for twenty minutes before asking someone out, others flirt for a few months, and others will flirt just for the sake of flirting, without ever actually pursuing a relationship.

Once the basics have been achieved (contact, flirtation, asking out), the next step will be to go on a date. Here, there are a few options: you can make the plan yourself, your date can make the plan, or the two of you can collaborate to plan out an enjoyable date for both of you (likely to be the best option). Typically, before a first date, contact is still somewhat minimal, as the two of you may not know each other yet.

Do you both have a soft spot for three-legged animals? Ask your date questions, and don’t be afraid to answer the questions your date asks; ultimately, first dates are about give-and-take and two people finding out what makes the other tick. If the date goes well, you can make plans for a second meet up. 

Other types of dating

Perhaps one of the most common ways to start dating someone is to meet through a mutual friend, strike up a friendship, and eventually steer that friendship toward more romantic terrain. While this is not as frequently portrayed in media, this is often one of the simplest and most effective ways to get to know someone. 

Friendships yield a more realistic view of someone’s behavior, likes, and interests because friendship does not carry the same weight as a romantic relationship. Moving from friendship to a romantic relationship might also be beneficial because exes who were once friends are more likely to leave the relationship without a lot of contention and maintain some semblance of friendship. Couples who immediately leaped into dating might find that type of transition far more trying.

Non-monogamous dating is another uncommon (but seen) type of dating. The two people dating acknowledge that they are not wholly committed to one another but are also unwilling to part with one another. This type of dating is less about commitment and more about keeping a connection alive while keeping your options open and, consequently, your freedom.

Key rules for dating

These rules are honesty and communication. Although it might seem kinder to lead someone on than to let them know that you don’t see a future in your relationship, it creates false hope and can dramatically prolong a situation you have no interest in being a part of. Honesty in how you are feeling, where you are, and what you want is vital in your dating journey.

Communication is also important, as it allows both you and the person (or people) you are dating to know exactly where you stand. Ambiguity is painful and frustrating for even the most confident people and constantly living in ambiguity is difficult. Dating can do quite a number on your self-esteem, and not knowing where you stand may not help matters. When you are dating, make sure you are consistently communicating with yourself and with your dating partners.

Discuss relationship expectations with an online therapist

Dating is frightening, fun, exciting, and anxiety-inducing all at once. The exact rules and expectations associated with dating can change from person to person, situation to situation, and even age group to age group; a gaggle of teenagers is unlikely to uphold the same dating behavior as a fledgling couple in their late 70s. Through these differences, though, there are a few things that usually remain constant. These include the sequence of dating (meet, develop rapport, flirt, set up a date) and the ingredients required for a successful dating interaction—no matter the relationship’s outcome—which are honesty and communication.

Although there are often countless emotions and hopes tied to dating, the loss of a dating relationship is not indicative of a fatal flaw in you, nor is it an indication that you do not understand and cannot be successful at dating. Instead, it may just mean that you’ve not yet found someone with whom you are compatible and more dates are on the horizon.

If you are truly struggling to understand the social aspects of dating, and you cannot seem to uphold the conventions of honesty, consideration, communication, and romantic interest, you may be able to benefit from therapeutic intervention, such as the therapy offered through Regain. Regain offers matches with a trained relationship counselor. Once you've been matched, you can meet with your counselor at a time that works with your schedule, and you can meet wherever you are most comfortable.

Many individuals have successfully worked on their relationship skills through online therapy. With an online therapist, you can sort out any delays or blocks in communication you might have, work through underlying issues that could be harming your relationships, and create stronger, more effective personal habits that can positively transform the way you interact with others and the way you show up in your own life. 

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