Is It Too Soon? Dating After The Death Of A Spouse

Coping with the death of a spouse can be incredibly challenging for a number of reasons. The changes that occur in life after losing a loved one to death are often drastic. It can be a confusing and difficult process to learn to live without the person you pledged to spend the rest of your life with. Frequently, when we talk about loss, we focus on the initial stages one goes through after death. But what happens after those initial stages?

Coping with the death of a spouse can be incredibly challenging for a number of reasons. The changes that occur in life after losing a loved one to death are often drastic. It can be a confusing and difficult process to learn to live without the person you agreed to spend the rest of your life with. Often, when we talk about loss, we focus on the initial stages one goes through after death. But what happens after those initial stages, as you try to rebuild your life and move forward?

If you’re feeling like you’re ready to begin dating again, there are probably a lot of things going through your head. As you approach this new place in life, you might wonder: Is it too soon?

The challenges of dating again

First, let’s explore some of the reasons why a person may have trouble re-entering the dating world after the loss of their spouse. Here are some of the things that could be going on for a person in this situation:

They are afraid to fall in love again.

It’s common for a bereaved spouse to be hesitant about getting into a relationship with someone new. They could still be coming to terms with life without their spouse and working through difficult emotions. Even when it’s pursued thoughtfully and in due time, dating after loss can be a scary prospect.

They feel as though they’re betraying their spouse.

Sometimes a bereaved spouse experiences survivor’s guilt, or they may worry that dating someone else is an act of disloyalty to their spouse. Perhaps especially when an individual was with their spouse for a long time, experiencing romantic feelings for someone new can bring about complicated, uncomfortable emotions. 

They are afraid of judgment.

Some people are determined to weigh in on the relationships and lives of others. When a person begins a new relationship after their former partner passes away, people may criticize and pass judgment, particularly if they feel as though not enough time has passed. This can keep some bereaved people from feeling comfortable moving on.

They aren’t sure the children are ready for them to date again.

If there are children involved, it can be common for parents who are in this situation to become focused on making sure the children are okay. They may be concerned about eventually bringing a new person into their children’s lives. While it’s healthy to let the children express their worries, to validate their feelings, and to talk things through with them, it’s also important for the parent to take their own feelings and needs into account.

Benefits of dating after the death of a spouse

On the flip side, let’s now explore some of the potential benefits that could come from beginning to date again after losing a spouse, when that person is ready. 

It is an opportunity for connection. 

Isolation and loneliness come with health risks, whereas surrounding yourself with social connections can improve both your physical and mental well-being. Social interaction can boost your immune system, lessen your risk of depression, lower your stress, and more. If it’s something that you want to do, even casual dating could be a positive opportunity for your health and well-being.  

It can allow you to reacquaint yourself with fun activities or try something new. 

Sometimes, people who experience grief not only distance themselves from others but also stop enjoying their favorite hobbies or pastimes. Dating, then, can be a great opportunity to reconnect with activities that may have been neglected. A date can also be an excellent reason to try something new and exciting like painting, hiking, or just going to a restaurant you haven’t tried. It can be an opportunity to get back in touch with things that make you smile and to explore new activities that may bring you joy. 

You may begin to realize that you can grieve your lost loved one and enjoy life simultaneously. 

Those who have lost a partner may feel guilty for trying to move forward before they realize that their spouse would likely want them to enjoy life to the fullest. Most likely, if they really loved you, they would want you to reap the benefits of socializing, and they would want you to do anything that makes you as healthy and happy as you can be. You can move forward and find joy in life, while still missing and remembering your loved one.

How do I know if I’m ready?

If you’re asking yourself whether it’s too soon, it’s important to keep in mind that that’s a question only you can answer.

Often, people will start to feel ready in small steps. You might move through the stages of grief, talk with a therapist and your loved ones for support, start to develop a new daily routine, and then one day realize that you wouldn’t mind dating again. You might have casual dating in mind, or you might be looking for something more serious. 

It’s also okay if you need more time to heal, and it’s okay if dating hasn’t even entered your mind. If time is what you need, you deserve to give that to yourself. However, if fears such as those above—for example, fear of judgment from other people—are getting in the way, it may be worth it to work through those concerns. When you ask yourself whether you’re ready to date, try to make sure you’re thinking about what you truly want, instead of what other people might expect.

Tips for starting to date again

Re-entering the dating world after loss can be tough. It could be that you know you’re ready but feel like you don’t know where to start, or it could be that you’re just exploring the idea of dating again and want to know what to keep in mind.

Here are a few tips to help you prepare for re-entering the dating world.  

Acknowledge that you’re prepared to start dating again

How do you feel about the idea of getting out there and meeting someone new? Do you feel excited? Do you look forward to spending quality time with someone new? Is there someone you’ve recently taken an interest in? These can all be positive signs that you’re ready for a new relationship. Getting into this mindset and confirming that you are, in fact, ready may allow you to feel more emotionally prepared as you dive in. 

Be prepared to bring someone new into your life

Dating after a loss can be complicated for both individuals, so it can be important that you prepare yourself to take a new person’s feelings into account. For example, if things get serious, you may not feel comfortable introducing your new partner to your children or other relatives for a while, which could affect their feelings. In addition, keep in mind that your potential partner may also be experiencing complex emotions. 

Be accepting of someone different

As you start meeting new people, it may be tempting to compare them to your deceased spouse and see how they measure up. But differences should be expected—this potential partner isn’t your lost love but a completely unique person. Don’t shy away from the idea of creating a new kind of love or fun adventures. Try to be accepting of things that are different about the new person you’re dating. 

Engage your support system

Try to surround yourself with people who want the best for you in life and love, and lean on them throughout this process. Dating can be a rollercoaster, and it can be invaluable to have people who love and know you well around as a support system and sounding board throughout these ups and downs. Enlist their assistance in being there for you emotionally during this time. If you’re conflicted or hesitant about something, they can provide you with encouragement or lend an ear. 

Continue to take time for yourself

Although you’re dating again, remember that it’s okay if you need to take a step back. Continue to practice self-care and give yourself time to heal and get back to you. Try to spend time doing the things you enjoy and the things that make you feel like yourself. 

Get support in therapy

Whether you want to talk about grief, dating after the loss of a spouse, or anything else that is going on in your life, consider seeking the support of a therapist. If you are experiencing some of the challenges detailed above around dating again, such as a fear of judgment from others, you may feel hesitant to seek therapy in an in-person environment where you might run into other people. An online therapy platform like Regain allows you to address complicated emotions surrounding grief in a discreet way, as you can speak with your counselor from the comfort of your own home. 

Online therapy has been found to be effective for a range of concerns, including for individuals who are grieving the loss of a close loved one. For instance, one such study examined the efficacy of an internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy program for bereaved people experiencing complicated grief. It found that the participants who received the online treatment improved significantly “on symptoms of intrusion, avoidance, maladaptive behavior, and general psychopathology, and showed a large treatment effect”.

Takeaway

Losing a spouse can bring about difficult emotions and complex situations, including figuring out whether, when, and how to start dating again. If you’ve lost a loved one, know that grieving is natural, and you can take as much time as you need to process things. Once you find comfort and come to peace with the loss you’ve experienced, dating may be something you wish to consider. You can do this in your own time and at your own pace, and if you would like support, an online therapist can help.