10 Tips For Dating Someone With An Anxiety Disorder
Anxiety disorders are the most prevalent type of mental illness in the U.S., affecting 18.1% of the population. Given the number of people who experience generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic disorder, specific phobias, and other conditions in this category, it’s not uncommon to date someone with an anxiety disorder.
While you care deeply about the person you’re dating, you might find it difficult to understand their experience, especially if you have never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
If you’re wondering how to support your partner and strengthen your relationship, these 10 tips can help you build mutual understanding and support a loved one who is living with an anxiety disorder.
1. Learn more about anxiety disorders
Even among people with the same anxiety disorder, their experiences are not uniform – which is why understanding the most common types of anxiety disorders can be beneficial. According to the Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA), common anxiety disorders include:
- Specific phobias, which affect 19.3 million adults, or 9.1% of the U.S. population.
- Social anxiety disorder (SAD), which affects 15 million adults or 7.1% of the U.S. population.
- Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), which affects 6.8 million adults or 3.1% of the U.S. population.
If you’re interested in learning more about your partner’s anxiety disorder and related conditions, the ADAA, the American Psychological Association (APA), and the National Institutes of Health (NIH) offer fact sheets, research, personal stories, and other resources.
As you learn more about anxiety disorders, you can develop a deeper, more personalized understanding of how a specific diagnosis might affect your partner. Self-education is a powerful way to challenge the stigmas around anxiety and other mental illnesses and to show your partner that you’re invested in supporting them.
2. Understand the symptoms of anxiety disorders
While your partner’s symptoms will vary depending on their specific diagnosis, common symptoms across anxiety disorders include:
- Excessive or disproportionate worry
- Racing thoughts
- Restlessness
- Hypervigilance
- Body aches or tension
- Rapid heartbeat
- Trembling or shaking
- GI distress (e.g., nausea and diarrhea)
- Irritability
- Fatigue and trouble sleeping
By taking care to notice your partner’s symptoms, you can help them prepare for events that might be especially anxiety-inducing, like a major exam or high-stakes work event. Addressing symptoms is generally the starting point for treating anxiety disorders, and can help you develop a better understanding of your partner’s diagnosis and needs.
3. Ask your partner how you can support them
When you love someone with anxiety, one of the most meaningful questions you can ask is simply: “How can I best support you?”
Rather than assume you know what your spouse or partner needs, ask how you can help, and then listen carefully to their response.
When framing your question, it may be helpful to specify exactly how you can help: for example, you could ask “Would you like me to make dinner for us tonight?” or “Is it helpful when I do the dishes for you on weekends?”
Specific, targeted questions can help you develop a clearer understanding of what might help your partner, particularly when they’re experiencing more severe anxiety symptoms and may not be able to express exactly what they want or need.
4. Practice patience
Even after years of loving your partner, you may find it hard to understand why they feel anxious, especially if you’ve never experienced an anxiety disorder. At times, you may feel frustrated or even impatient with your partner, especially if their symptoms are affecting the quality of your relationship and life together.
In these moments, knowing when to practice patience and when to gently push your partner to overcome their fears can be tricky. Most couples need time, trial, and error to find the right
balance of patience and gentle encouragement.
5. Remember that their diagnosis isn’t your fault
If your partner seems especially distant or more irritable during an episode of anxiety, you may wonder if you’re somehow contributing to their symptoms. However, anxiety disorders are complicated conditions, and it’s important to remember that you are not the cause of or contributor to their diagnosis.
Anxiety disorders stem from a complex combination of genetic, environmental, psychological, and developmental risk factors. The symptoms are not typically dependent on who you’re with; and even with treatment, people with anxiety often need to revisit and manage their symptoms over time.
6. Combat the “fix-it” mindset
When someone you love is experiencing a mental health condition or another major challenge, you might be tempted to find a way to “fix” their problems with a quick solution. Generally, this desire comes from a place of good intentions – but in most cases, anxiety symptoms take time, patience, and ongoing effort to resolve.
Although anxiety disorders are treatable and manageable, there is no established cure. As a partner, try to approach your loved one’s symptoms with empathy and understanding, rather than chase the possibility of a quick fix.
7. Take care of yourself too
While it’s great to be present for your partner, it’s just as important to take care of yourself. As the partner of someone with an anxiety disorder, the following tips can help you prioritize self-care:
- Establish boundaries. Boundaries can be emotional, financial, or physical: for example, you and your partner might agree to spend Sunday mornings doing separate activities and reunite in the afternoons.
- Pursue your own hobbies and interests. Your favorite activities can provide a mental break and an emotional boost.
- Maintain connections outside of your relationship. The ability to confide in other friends and family members is invaluable, especially if you’re navigating challenges in your relationship.
Far from being selfish, healthy boundaries and self-care are essential to the health of your relationship. By taking care of yourself, you’ll be better prepared to show up for your partner when they need you most.
8. Understand your role in the relationship
As a partner, you’re a special person in your loved one’s life. But regardless of your personal or professional knowledge, you are not their doctor or therapist. Recommendations about treatment should come from medical and mental health professionals, who can offer more specific coping skills and treatment plans.
As a partner, your role can include:
- Listening to your partner’s concerns and progress
- Accompanying them to a therapy session
- Helping around the house
- Relaxing with them after a tough day
While you might be tempted to offer recommendations, giving unsolicited advice or suggesting “cures” can muddy the line between personal and professional roles.
9. Validate their experiences
While you can’t force your partner to pursue treatment, you can offer positive comments that validate their fears and encourage them to consider how they might overcome their anxiety.
If you’re wondering what to say, comments like “That must feel overwhelming” or “I’m always here for you” can affirm their feelings, offer comfort, and remind your partner that you’re available and listening.
10. Seek help from a professional therapist
By practicing these tips over time, you can develop a more transparent and meaningful connection with your partner. But regardless of whether your partner is experiencing anxiety, your relationship could benefit from the support of a mental health expert.
Some therapists, such as couples therapists and marriage counselors, specialize in common challenges faced by romantic partners. In a standard session, these therapists typically divide time between partners and provide fair, balanced opportunities for all partners to receive care.
Online counseling through Regain
While some couples prefer in-person therapy, more people are using online therapy to strengthen their relationships. Whether you’re looking for treatments to support your partner or are interested in couples counseling, digital platforms like Regain make it simple for both individuals and couples to get the help they need. Regain ensures the licensure of every professional on the platform, and many therapists help their clients navigate the complexities of dating someone with anxiety and other mental health challenges.
A growing body of research shows that online therapy can be just as effective as face-to-face options, including a 2021 study of virtual couples therapy (VCT) to support romantic relationships during the COVID-19 pandemic, when many couples experienced shifts in their quality time and personal space. While setting boundaries during the pandemic was challenging for many couples, these changes presented opportunities for couples to connect more deeply and invest in their relational health via online therapy. The researchers concluded that VCT can effectively support couples’ relationships during the pandemic and other stressful times.
Takeaway
If you’re dating someone with an anxiety disorder, you may be searching for ways to understand and support your partner in their most challenging moments. By addressing their symptoms and working from a place of compassion, you can help your partner manage their anxiety and improve the quality of your life together.
If an anxiety disorder is straining your relationship, an online therapist can offer empathy, expertise, and personalized strategies. No matter where you decide to seek help, you and your partner deserve quality support.
Frequently asked questions (FAQ)
How do you date someone who experiences anxiety?
For the most part, dating someone with anxiety disorder is like dating virtually anyone else. We all have unique life challenges, and we all need emotional availability in romantic partnerships.
When you’re dating someone with an anxiety disorder, a good first step is to do some research. If they’re open to talking about it, take the time to talk and learn so that you can understand what they’re going through.
Additionally, it helps to have good listening skills for a healthy relationship with any partner, regardless of mental health concerns. When dating someone with an anxiety disorder, it can be more helpful to listen than to try to solve your partner’s problems for them.
It’s also important to remember not to take your partner’s anxiety personally. If you have a spouse or are presently dating someone with depression who is withdrawn or seems irritable due to generalized anxiety disorder or a similar condition, don’t assume that it’s your fault. Talk openly and ask for clarification if you need to. If you find yourself feeling frustrated at any point, you might need to give each other space. Focus on self-care for a bit. Remember that the frustration isn’t likely due to your partner; it’s more likely because you aren’t on the same page. It’s okay to need to step aside and self-soothe for a bit.
Finally, avoid being confrontational with people who experience anxiety. While it can be unhealthy to not address your issues, you’ll also want to avoid escalating the situation. Setting firm boundaries, while remaining compassionate, can help you and your partner manage situations where they’re experiencing severe symptoms.
How do I help my partner with their anxiety?
The first thing you can do in many cases is to validate your partner. This doesn’t necessarily mean saying, “You’re right.” Instead, it can look like saying, “That seems painful/overwhelming/upsetting,” and offering to listen. Often, anxiety isn’t rational, but the feelings are real, and attempting to offer rationality may lead to feeling like you don’t understand one another. It can come off as an attempt to “fix” rather than listen or support.
Also, while it’s great to be supportive, you should not be your partner’s entire support system. This can often lead to future resentment and other issues. There are many misconceptions regarding mental health disorders, and the role of a therapist should be left to a professional who is educated and experienced in the field. To facilitate a healthy relationship from the beginning, something you can do is say, “I know that I can’t be the one to treat this, but I am here to support you.”
Maintain your own mental health so that you can continue to support your partner without feeling overwhelmed or stressed yourself.
What should you not say to someone with an anxiety disorder?
Most people find it unhelpful to hear certain things(e.g., “calm down”) when they are experiencing symptoms of anxiety. These statements can be unhelpful and counterproductive. Remember that if your partner could make their anxiety go away, they would do so. Similar phrases that should be avoided are “It’s all in your head,” “Stop worrying,” “Just breathe,” and “Get over it.”
Helpful alternatives might be sentences like “Would you like for me to sit with you?” or “I’m here to listen.”
Can anxiety negatively affect a relationship?
Anxiety disorders affect people differently, and the fact that your partner has an anxiety disorder does not necessarily mean it will affect your relationship in a negative way.
Lack of boundaries, codependency, difficulty giving one another space, poor communication, trouble with self-reflection, not having tools to self-soothe or self-reflect when needed, and so on, however, can strain a relationship.
If you feel that anxiety is affecting your relationship, it’s important to look at what’s really going on. Rather than chalking it up to anxiety, it can help to look at the specific actions and identify specific needs.
Many people with anxiety disorders have healthy relationships. Therapy, building a larger toolkit to self-soothe (e.g., breathing exercises, affirmations), increasing your overall support system, etc., can all be incredibly effective methods of helping them to cope with anxiety when it’s affecting your relationship.
It’s often very important to communicate frequently so that your partner knows you’re there for them and you can continue to help them in the best way possible. Couples counseling can help you when you feel unsure about how to do this. Although anxiety disorders may seem difficult to understand if you haven’t experienced one personally, there are ways for you to provide support as your partner navigates this condition.
Boundaries are crucial in any relationship. It’s vital to have boundaries not just for you, but for the health of the relationship and your partner as well.
How do you calm someone with anxiety?
If you’re in a room with someone who is currently experiencing anxiety symptoms, there are a couple of things to do. First, it’s often helpful to stay calm rather than get frustrated; it’ll help to cultivate a more relaxed environment. Rather than assume what the most helpful thing to do would be, ask them what they need or what you can do to help. Speak in a steady tone of voice, ask if they’d like to step away from the situation (especially if you’re in a busy environment), and try to avoid anything that could worsen their symptoms.
At a time when your loved one isn’t experiencing symptoms, it can be helpful to have a conversation with your partner or another person in your life about how to navigate anxiety. That way, you’ll know you know what to do, as well as what not to do, in the future.
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