How Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Can Create Internal Conflict

According to attachment theory, insecure caregiver attachments in early childhood typically lead to insecure adult attachment styles. A fearful-avoidant attachment style, also called disorganized attachment, is usually characterized by an intense need for closeness paired with a fear of intimacy. Developing a childhood fearful-avoidant attachment style can lead to internal conflict and adult relationship challenges. Still, therapeutic interventions can heal attachment difficulties, potentially leading to healthier relationships and improved mental health.

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory is a psychological framework developed by a psychologist named John Bowlby. He claimed that human emotions and behavior are largely based on social and emotional bonds. According to Bowlby, the most important and impactful bonds are between a child and their primary caregivers.

Attachment theory and mental health

Child–caregiver bonding tends to form a person’s attachment style into adulthood. Bowlby believed that secure caregiver attachment was required for secure attachments throughout life, while insecure caregiver attachment could lead to relationship difficulties and mental health challenges.

What are the attachment styles?

Attachment theory specifies four types of attachment. These include secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (also called fearful-avoidant) attachment styles. 

Secure attachment style

Secure attachment patterns are usually characterized by safety and ease in relationships. In a romantic relationship where both partners have a secure attachment style, they may both feel emotionally safe and trusting of each other, and they may experience a balance between emotional closeness and independence. They may also know how to set boundaries, communicate, and resolve conflicts in a healthy way. In general, secure childhood attachment allows a person to develop healthy adult relationships.

Insecure attachment styles: Anxious, avoidant, and disorganized

While there is only one secure attachment style, an insecure attachment style can fall into three categories:

• Anxious: The anxious attachment style is typically characterized by an intense fear of abandonment. 
• Avoidantor dismissive-avoidant: Children with avoidant attachment styles usually have no reaction to caregivers leaving or returning to the room, don’t seek comfort from their caregivers when they’re upset, and resist physical contact from caregivers. 
• Disorganized or fearful-avoidant: Those with a disorganized attachment style tend to alternate between seeking comfort and creating emotional distance.

When researching attachment, it can be common to come across other attachment styles in addition to the ones listed here. However, these other styles are typically the same four that Bowlby originally identified, known by different names. 

How does insecure attachment develop and affect a child?

Insecure attachments often begin in early childhood when a child’s caregiver does not promote healthy bonding. Certain circumstances can make this more likely to occur, and insecure attachment can negatively affect children’s lives, even into adulthood. Insecure attachment typically develops when a child experiences abuse, neglect, trauma, unpredictable behavior, or emotional unavailability from their caregivers.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

How insecure attachment affects children: Fear and other impacts

Insecure attachments can affect children in a variety of ways, potentially having emotional, psychological, cognitive, and social impacts. Children with insecure attachment styles may experience symptoms of anxiety, depression, aggression, and withdrawal, as well as poor social relationships. These challenges can persist into adolescence and adulthood, but they can be addressed with therapy.

How does childhood fear relate to adult attachment styles?

Fear frequently plays a role in children’s developing attachment styles. With anxious attachment, the child tends to be fearful of abandonment. With fearful-avoidant attachment, the child usually fears the caregiver’s inconsistency. Due to the caregiver’s unpredictable emotional unavailability, they may never know whether they will receive compassion or mistreatment.

What is fearful-avoidant attachment?

Fearful-avoidant attachment usually involves someone simultaneously craving and fearing intimacy. The person with this attachment style may alternately behave in clingy and emotionally distant ways. They may become emotionally dysregulated, struggle with boundaries, and exhibit contradictory behavior, which can be confusing for their partner.

How the fearful-avoidant attachment style develops

The fearful-avoidant style usually develops when a child’s caregiver is emotionally inconsistent. The caregiver is sometimes safe and emotionally responsive, but at other times, they may be emotionally unavailable or even abusive. This inconsistency can result in a child seeking comfort from the caregiver but also fearing them, which often contributes to intense internal conflict.

How fearful-avoidant attachment can affect adult attachment styles and romantic relationships

How does fearful-avoidant attachment create internal conflict and anxious emotions?

Because a fearful-avoidant person simultaneously craves and fears closeness, they can experience intense internal conflict: love versus fear and anxious clinging versus avoidance. These conflicting emotions may lead to conflicting behaviors toward a partner. They may engage in emotional push-pull dynamics, where they anxiously seek connection and reassurance at one moment, and then push a partner away the next. The resulting relationship troubles can replicate the dynamic the individual had with a childhood caregiver, potentially creating further internal conflict.

How can you treat fearful-avoidant attachment and improve mental health? 

Therapy with a licensed mental health professional can be an effective way to heal fearful-avoidant attachment over time. A therapist can help clients investigate how their attachment styles developed during childhood. They can also help clients foster self-awareness and modify their unhelpful thoughts and behaviors, potentially resolving internal conflict and leading to better overall mental health. 

Online therapy can be a convenient way to seek support, allowing users to book sessions that fit into their existing schedules and choose between video and audio options. It’s possible to attend online relationship therapy individually or with one’s partner.

A growing body of research supports the use of online therapy to improve relationships and mental health. For example, one 2022 study reported that online relationship therapy could serve as a viable alternative to face-to-face interventions, decreasing conflict and increasing relationship satisfaction.

How can you build a more secure attachment with your partner?

If you want to develop a more secure attachment with your partner, one option is to attend relationship counseling with them. Individual self-improvement efforts can also make a difference in relationship health.

Couples counseling for attachment difficulties and challenging emotions

Relationship counseling can help couples:

• Learn skills to regulate their emotions
• Discover each partner’s attachment style
• Understand each other’s experiences, feelings, and viewpoints
• Communicate in a healthy and effective way
• Practice conflict resolution skills
• Foster emotional closeness

Outside of sessions, it can be vital to practice the skills introduced in therapy. Making these skills a part of daily life can result in a more satisfying relationship.