How Can A Disorganized Attachment Style Affect Relationships?

Disorganized attachment typically develops when a child’s primary caregiver is both a source of comfort and a source of fear. This dynamic can lead someone to develop a disorganized attachment style in adulthood, in which they simultaneously fear and crave intimacy. An adult with disorganized attachment can have difficulty establishing boundaries, find it challenging to trust others, become easily emotionally dysregulated, have trouble communicating clearly, and exhibit confusing or contradictory behavior. This can lead their partner to experience relationship insecurity, along with emotional exhaustion, confusion, and a sense of being unseen.  

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory is a psychological framework devised by psychologist John Bowlby. Its fundamental premise is that human emotions and behavior are based on social and emotional bonds. The most important bonds, according to Bowlby, are those between an infant or child and their caregivers.

How attachment works, according to Bowlby’s attachment theory

Attachment theory claims that the ways in which young children bond with an attachment figure early in life form their attachment style in adulthood. It also posits that secure attachment to a caregiver tends to be required for secure relationship attachments throughout life. 

What is a secure attachment in a romantic relationship?

In general, a secure attachment in a relationship means that both partners feel secure and emotionally safe, trust one another, and experience a balance of emotional closeness and autonomy or independence. In a securely attached relationship, both partners know how to set boundaries, communicate well, and resolve conflicts in a healthy way.  

What are the attachment styles?

Secure attachments are normally characterized by safety, comfort, and ease in relationships. Insecure attachment is primarily characterized by fear, uncertainty, and a lack of trust in relationships. There are three main types of insecure attachment: anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment.

Understanding insecure attachment styles in children

The three types of insecure attachment styles include anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment. The anxious attachment style is largely characterized by a child’s constant fear of abandonment by caregivers, which can lead to clingy behavior. With the avoidant attachment style, a child often resists physical contact, appears unfazed when a caregiver leaves or returns, and does not seek comfort from their caregiver when upset. A child with disorganized attachment may vacillate between seeking comfort from a caregiver and then being emotionally distant.

Disorganized attachment typically develops when there is abuse, chaos, neglect, domestic violence, or trauma in the child’s home. Disorganized infant attachment can occur as young as 12 months old. An infant mental health journal article describes that certain interventions can disrupt the development of attachment disorders and related mental health challenges.

What is the disorganized attachment style in adults?

When children with disorganized attachment grow up, their attachment issues can persist into adulthood and affect adult relationships. However, it’s possible to cultivate a more secure attachment style, particularly with professional support.

Adult disorganized attachment

This can lead to several attitudes and behaviors that may make it difficult to have a healthy relationship. These can include emotional dysregulation and volatility, overwhelming emotions, difficulty communicating, conflicting or unpredictable behavior, difficulty trusting their partner, low self-esteem, and oscillation between emotional closeness and distance.

The effect of disorganized attachment on romantic partners

When someone’s partner has a disorganized attachment style, it can be confusing and destabilizing. Their partner may become emotionally exhausted due to the extreme emotional ups and downs. They might feel confused about their partner’s true feelings toward them, they might not be able to resolve conflicts because of unstable communication patterns, and they might not feel seen and heard in the relationship.

Why is fear at the root of the disorganized style?

Fear is at the root of the disorganized style of attachment because, as a child, caregivers were a source of threat, unpredictability, lack of safety, and/or abuse. While people with a disorganized style usually crave emotional closeness with others, they simultaneously fear the hurt and pain that can come from someone close to them.

How do fear and unpredictability affect trust?

When someone experiences fear, as in the case of a child with an abusive caregiver, it tends to activate survival mechanisms in the brain. This can lead a child to fawn and try to please the caregiver or attempt to gain distance from them. Either way, the threat to the child usually leads them not to trust the caregiver. As they grow into adults, these children can develop challenges with trusting others. 

How can you change a disorganized attachment style?

If you suspect that you have a disorganized attachment style, therapy may help you address traumatic experiences and foster more security in relationships. A therapist can help you get to the root of how your attachment style developed as a child and adjust your current thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to be healthier and more constructive. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy for attachment issues related to a disorganized attachment style

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) generally focuses on creating awareness of your thought patterns and behaviors, which may stem from unresolved trauma. It can also teach you how thoughts and behaviors are related. CBT can help you investigate negative thoughts related to relationship intimacy and teach you skills for regulating your emotions, communicating with others, and making positive changes to your behavior. Online therapy can be a convenient option for addressing attachment issues, particularly for people who don’t feel comfortable speaking with a therapist face-to-face or who have busy schedules.

Individuals can attend online therapy on their own or with their partners. Research suggests that online individual therapy can produce the same results as in-person therapy, and online couples therapy can increase relationship satisfaction as well as decrease conflict.

Dialectical behavior therapy for attachment issues

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is another form of cognitive therapy that can be helpful for attachment issues. It helps people develop distress tolerance, emotional regulation, mindfulness, and relationship skills. 

How can you build a more secure attachment with your partner?

If you want to develop a more secure attachment with your partner, you can attend relationship counseling with them. You can also work individually on self-improvement through introspection, lifestyle changes, and professional support.

Couples counseling for attachment concerns

Couples counseling can help you and your partner:

• Learn to regulate emotions
• Listen to each other’s experiences, feelings, and viewpoints
• Communicate with each other in a healthy way
• Learn conflict resolution skills
• Establish healthy boundaries

Practicing the skills you and your partner learn in therapy at home can lead to a more harmonious and satisfying relationship.