How An Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Relationships
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Key takeaways
- One of the three types of insecure attachment, an anxious attachment style is characterized by a strong desire for emotional intimacy, paired with a fear of rejection or abandonment.
- Someone with an anxious attachment style may need constant reassurance, struggle to set boundaries, be overly sensitive to criticism, and have low self-esteem.
- However, it is possible to address an anxious attachment style and build a more secure attachment with your partner—one way to do so is by seeking relationship therapy.
Attachment theory posits that insecure attachments to caregivers in early childhood can lead to insecure attachments (with resulting relational difficulties) in adulthood. An anxious attachment style is usually the result of a child having caregivers who exhibit inconsistent emotional responses. Caregivers may sometimes be appropriately responsive, and at other times, they may be unavailable or overly needy. Developing an anxious attachment style as a child can lead to relationship challenges later in life. However, therapeutic interventions may heal an anxious attachment style and facilitate healthier relationships.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory is a psychological framework introduced by psychologist John Bowlby. The premise of this theory is that human emotions and behavior are primarily based on human social and emotional bonds. Bowlby believes that the most important bonds are those between an infant or child and their caregivers.
How attachment works, according to Bowlby’s theory
According to Bowlby’s attachment theory, the ways in which young children bond with their primary caregivers in early childhood form their attachment style into adulthood. Attachment theory also states that secure attachment to a caregiver may be required for secure relationship attachments throughout life.
What are the different attachment styles?
Attachment theory states that there are four different types of attachment. These include secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment.
Secure attachment style
Secure attachment patterns are generally characterized by safety and ease in relationships. In a secure romantic relationship, both partners may feel emotionally safe and trusting of each other, and they typically experience a balance between emotional closeness and independence. They may also know how to set boundaries, communicate, and resolve conflicts. In most cases, a secure attachment style allows a child to develop healthy adult relationships.
Insecure attachment styles
An insecure attachment style can fall into three categories:
- Anxious: The anxious attachment style is primarily characterized by a child’s constant fear of abandonment by caregivers.
- Avoidant: Children with an avoidant attachment style often resist physical contact, appear unfazed when a caregiver leaves or returns, and do not seek comfort from caregivers when they are upset.
- Disorganized: A child with disorganized attachment usually vacillates between seeking comfort and being emotionally distant.
How does insecure attachment develop and affect a child?
Insecure attachment often develops in early childhood, when a child’s relationship with their caregiver does not promote healthy bonding. Certain circumstances can make this more likely to occur, and an insecure attachment style can negatively affect children’s lives, even into adulthood.
Risk factors for insecure attachment in children
Insecure attachment typically develops when a child experiences abuse, neglect, trauma, or emotional unavailability at the hands of their caregivers. These negative experiences can make it challenging for children to develop secure attachments to others.
How insecure attachment can affect children
Insecure attachments can affect children emotionally, psychologically, cognitively, and socially. Children with insecure attachments may experience anxiety, depression, aggression, withdrawal, and poor social relationships. These issues can persist into adolescence and adulthood.
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What is the anxious attachment style?
The anxious attachment style is one of the three insecure attachment types. A person with anxious attachment typically has a strong need for emotional intimacy, paired with a fear of rejection or abandonment by their loved one.
How an anxious attachment style develops
Anxious attachment, sometimes called anxious-ambivalent attachment or preoccupied attachment, typically develops in childhood when the child’s main caregivers are inconsistent in their emotional responses to the child. This generally leads to the child’s needs being inconsistently met.
The caregivers may sometimes respond to the child warmly and appropriately, and, at other times, they may exhibit emotional distance or behave in an overly needy and emotionally demanding way toward the child. This can lead to the child feeling anxious about potential abandonment, and it can also contribute to the development of low self-esteem.
How anxious attachment and fear can affect adult relationships
When someone lives with an anxious attachment style, it can lead to difficulty in their romantic relationships. The anxious partner may ask for constant reassurance, become upset when their partner does something independently, act in an overly dependent and clingy way, and display jealousy and possessiveness. This can lead to imbalance and tension in relationships.
How does fear relate to anxious attachment?
Fear is the main underlying emotion behind anxious attachment, with the fundamental fear being that one will be abandoned by a loved one. As a child, this comes down to basic needs, because being abandoned by caregivers can jeopardize a child’s survival.
How can you treat anxious attachment?
Healing anxious attachment is possible. The best way to fix an anxious attachment style may be to attend therapy with a qualified mental health professional. A therapist can help you understand how anxious attachment developed for you as a child. They can help you foster self-awareness and adjust your current beliefs, emotions, and behaviors, potentially leading to healthier relationships and overall mental health. Online relationship therapy, which you can attend on your own or with your partner, can be a convenient way to get professional support from the location of your choice via video or audio.
Research suggests that online relationship therapy can reduce conflict and improve relationship satisfaction. It can be an effective way to address relationship concerns related to insecure attachment styles.
How can you build a more secure attachment with your partner?
If you want to develop a more secure attachment with your partner, attending relationship counseling with them may be one way to do so. Working with therapists individually or otherwise pursuing self-improvement can also make a difference.
Find the right therapist for your relationship.
Would you like to begin therapy as a couple?
Couples counseling for attachment challenges
Couples counseling can help you and your partner:
- Regulate your emotions more effectively
- Listen to and understand each other’s experiences, feelings, and viewpoints
- Communicate in a healthy way
- Practice conflict resolution skills
- Facilitate emotional closeness
Practicing the skills you and your partner learn in therapy at home can lead to a more harmonious and satisfying relationship over time.
Takeaway
Attachment difficulties usually begin in early childhood in situations where a child does not become securely attached to their caregivers. When someone becomes anxiously attached as a child, they tend to crave emotional intimacy and develop a strong fear of abandonment. Anxious attachments can persist into adult relationships as well, which can lead to various relationship difficulties. However, attending therapy as an individual and as a couple can help you learn more healthy and productive relationship skills to promote secure, healthy attachments.
What does anxious attachment look like?
A person with an anxious attachment style may feel insecure in close relationships. They tend to react strongly to perceived threats due to their intense fear of abandonment.
Social psychology posits that the anxious attachment style develops during childhood, as the attachment process tends to be an important part of child development. When a child’s attachment figures behave inconsistently–sometimes meeting their emotional needs, and, at other times, failing to do so or even behaving in a needy or dependent way toward the child–it can lead them to become anxious individuals who struggle to manage negative emotions.
These children often develop a heightened sensitivity to their partner’s behaviors as anxious adults, potentially interpreting innocuous situations as evidence that they will be abandoned. This can lead to a variety of anxious behaviors and a need to learn healthy coping mechanisms to develop a more secure adult attachment.
How do you break anxious attachment?
Breaking anxious attachment and developing a more secure attachment style is possible, particularly with the help of a qualified mental health professional. Modalities like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and attachment-based therapy may be effective.
What is the unhealthiest attachment style?
There are three insecure and potentially unhealthy attachment styles. These include anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment.
How do anxious attachments show love?
People with an anxious attachment style usually enjoy spending as much time as possible with their partners. They also tend to put their partner’s needs above their own.
Does no contact work on anxious attachment?
Going “no-contact” with someone who has an anxious attachment style may exacerbate their fear of abandonment. While any type of breakup may activate this fear, completely cutting off communication without any explanation may have harmful effects on their mental health.
What childhood trauma causes anxious attachment?
Anxious attachment usually develops when a child’s caregiver is inconsistent. Sometimes, they may meet the child’s emotional needs, and other times, they may not provide emotional support, or they may behave in a needy and dependent way toward the child.
What is the love language of anxious attachment?
There isn’t one specific love language associated with the anxious attachment style. Each person with an anxious attachment style is an individual who has their own preferred ways of giving and receiving love. Some may prefer physical closeness, and others may prefer acts of service, for example.
What kind of partner does anxious attachment need?
In general, a person with attachment anxiety benefits most from having a partner with a secure attachment style. Often, the consistent emotional support and healthy boundaries demonstrated by people with secure attachment can help anxiously attached individuals develop more security over time.
What is the best therapy for anxious attachment?
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one potentially effective option that helps individuals identify and adjust unhelpful beliefs and negative thought patterns. Attachment-based therapy is another option that mainly focuses on attachment-related difficulties. Both modalities may help people learn healthy coping strategies to use when difficulties arise in personal relationships.
How long does it take to heal an anxious attachment?
Healing is a deeply individual process with no set timeline. That said, addressing anxious attachment with the guidance of a licensed mental health professional may accelerate the process compared to healing on one’s own.
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