Ethical Non-Monogamy: How And Why Non-Monogamous Relationships Work

Many of us in the United States grew up in a culture in which monogamy was the norm and expectation. Perhaps you grew up in a family that valued marriage, and the expectation placed on you was that you would grow up, find one partner, and be in a long-term monogamous marriage with them. But what if that’s not what you want? 

There are many reasons that a person might identify with non-monogamy. You and the person or people you’re connected to might value variety in love and sex, or you may be drawn to multiple people instead of only one. You might also identify with non-monogamy because you find that different people can provide different things. Sometimes, it may be about being open to new experiences romantically and sexually while still being in a serious relationship. Ethical non-monogamy is not to be confused with infidelity, as it a mutual agreement between everyone involved rather than a breach of trust. In this article, we’ll explore more on ethical non-monogamy, and how and why these types of relationships can work.

What is ethical non-monogamy?

Monogamous relationships, while the most common, are not the only type of relationship people can have. Ethical non-monogamy is when a relationship involves more than two people with consent from all parties involved. “Monogamy” can be defined as “the state or practice of having only one sexual partner at a time,” or “the state or custom of being married to only one person at a time.” 

If you are non-monogamous, you may have more than one partner. The ethical component of ethical non-monogamy typically involves guidelines such as the following:

• Everyone in the partnership agrees to and is comfortable with its terms.
• Everyone in the partnership has a full, consistent understanding of what is considered cheating and what is not considered cheating within the relationship.
• Everyone in the partnership treats one another with respect.

There is ongoing communication in the relationship that allows the above to be true. In an ethically non-monogamous relationship that is functioning well, a person isn’t pushed, pulled, or bullied into bending their open marriage rules. They feel loved and respected, and the entirety of the relationship is consensual and agreed on by all of the people involved.

Different types of ethical non-monogamy

There are different terms that describe specific types of non-monogamous relationships. Here are some terms you might come across when learning about non-monogamy and what they mean:

• Polyamory: Polyamory refers to being involved in multiple romantic relationships at the same time, with the consent of all involved. It refers to having a consensual romantic relationship with multiple partners or the desire to do so.
• Polygamy: Polygamy refers to having more than one spouse in a relationship. It differs from polyamory because polygamy refers to marriage specifically.
• Open Relationship: An open relationship refers to an existing relationship that is open to the inclusion of people outside of the primary partnership, typically in regard to sex. It differs from polyamory in the sense that when people use the term “open relationship,” they are generally referring to a primary relationship of two people that is open to including additional individuals, whereas polyamory includes multiple partners without two being considered the primary people of the relationship.
• Swinging Or Swingers: Swinging refers to the practice of switching sexual partners with another couple in a consensual manner. People who identify as swingers may sometimes engage in group sex or sex that includes multiple sexual partners at once.
• Other Terms: You might also come across people who haven’t been in a non-monogamous relationship but are interested in it or are new to opening up their relationship. These people may consider themselves “monogamish” or “open to non-monogamy.”

Questions about how non-monogamy works

Now that we’ve outlined those terms and definitions, let’s explore some of the common questions that may arise about how non-monogamy can work. 

What should I do if the people around me don’t understand non-monogamy?

Sometimes, the people around you may not understand you or your choices. That can relate to your romantic life, your career, and, really, any other choices that you make. Monogamous people with a monogamous relationship is considered the default. If you are new to non-monogamy, your views on it may be affected by the things that you’ve heard from those surrounding you who don’t support it or don’t understand what it means to be non-monogamous.

Studies show that views surrounding non-monogamy are changing in the younger generations; millennials, in particular, are more open to it. If the people around you that are outside of your relationship don’t understand it, often one of the best things that you can do is try to explain where you’re coming from and what this type of relationship means to you. If someone remains critical of you, you may consider setting boundaries and explaining that you are happy in your relationship and hope that they can see that. 

Can you cheat in non-monogamous relationships?

Even in non-monogamous relationships, it is still possible to cheat. Being faithful may look different than a monogamous relationship, but it is still a vital part of an ethically non-monogamous relationship. If you stray outside of the terms that you and your partner or partners agreed on, this could be cheating. For example, if you agreed that you would always tell your partner or partners when you sleep with someone else, but you go behind their back and sleep with someone else without telling them about it, that could be considered cheating. In ethically non-monogamous relationships, it’s important to respect the rules you and your partner/partners have agreed to. 

Who is ethical non-monogamy right for?

Ethical non-monogamy can be right for someone who desires it, has the communication skills to make it work, and feels that jealousy would not be a concern for them in this kind of set-up. If you identify more with monogamy and feel that you would be jealous if multiple people were involved in a relationship, non-monogamy likely isn’t right for you. Communication is key in any relationship, but in ethically non-monogamous relationships, it can be particularly critical. In an ethically non-monogamous relationship, it can be very important for all people involved to communicate their needs, concerns, rules, and boundaries—and hear and respect those of the others involved. 

How online therapy can help those practicing ethical non-monogamy

Relationships of any form can encounter challenges and difficulties at times, and online counseling can be a great place to work through any obstacles that may arise. Research has found online therapy to be effective for improving both relationship satisfaction and mental health. 

Discussing less-common situations like ethical non-monogamy can sometimes feel nerve-wracking and make someone feel a bit self-conscious. If you would prefer to discuss these topics in your own space where you already feel comfortable, online therapy may be a good fit. With online therapy through Regain, you can meet with your counselor wherever you feel most comfortable, so long as you have an internet connection. 

Takeaway

There are several different types of ethnically non-monogamous relationships, such as polyamorous relationships, open relationships, and swinging. For an ethically non-monogamous relationship to work, it can be important to have open communication, defined boundaries, and clear expectations. For support with relationship concerns, online therapy can help.