Exploring The Signs Of An Unhappy Marriage

Content warning: This article includes references to abuse and other topics that may be considered triggering. Please proceed with discretion. If you are experiencing or witnessing any form of abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). 

No marriage is perfect, and every married couple experiences challenges from time to time. However, sometimes a marriage experiences more than its fair share of bumps in the road, and what started out as a happy, loving relationship can turn toxic, unhappy, or even abusive. 

That said, figuring out whether your marriage is happy or unhappy isn’t always easy. That’s why, in this article, we will be reviewing what it means to have a happy marriage, five potential signs of an unhappy marriage, and how therapy can be a valuable tool for moving forward. 

What having a “happy marriage” means

To begin, it’s important to first understand what it means to have a “happy” or “unhappy”marriage. There’s a misconception that a happy marriage is one where there’s never any conflict, and both partners are always happy all the time. However, the reality is that no marriage is perfect, and there will be ups and downs no matter what.

The key thing to keep in mind is that, even if it’s not perfect, in a happy marriage, both partners are fulfilled, supported, and emotionally invested in one another. This means that even when there’s conflict, they are able to work through it with respect, empathy, and a mutual interest in the health of the relationship. Similarly, in an unhappy marriage, there may still be positive aspects, but they tend to be overshadowed by the negative ones. 

Five signs of an unhappy marriage

Now that we’ve reviewed what it means to have a happy marriage, let’s explore some of the most common signs of an unhappy marriage, which can develop at any point over the course of the relationship. You can use these as a starting point for assessing how happy your marriage is, but keep in mind that every relationship is different, and this list is not exhaustive. 

Signs of an unhappy marriage may include, but are not limited to:

Unhealthy communication patterns

If you notice that communication has deteriorated between you and your spouse, this may be a sign of an underlying problem in the marriage. Consider whether you and your spouse are able to express your emotions openly and communicate in a way that is healthy, respectful, and non-judgmental. Take careful note of whether your interactions involve shouting, insults, manipulation, violence, or other abusive or unhealthy behaviors. (If you are experiencing or witnessing any form of abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.) 

Unresolved conflicts

Similarly, another common sign of an unhappy marriage is when couples stop being able to resolve disagreements in a healthy manner. This could mean refusing to bring issues up with your spouse, or bringing them up, only to never reach a resolution, which can allow the problem to continue. Consider whether you find yourself frequently fighting with your spouse, without properly addressing the reasons behind the conflict.

Less frequent intimacy

Every couple is different. The level of sexual activity between partners varies from relationship to relationship, and it’s not uncommon for couples to fall into patterns when the honeymoon period ends and life gets in the way. That said, a significant drop in the amount of intimacy—whether sex, or other forms of physical affection—may be a sign that satisfaction in the marriage has also decreased. 

A decrease in quality time together

If you notice that you and your partner aren't spending as much free time together, this may be a sign of an underlying issue. Keep in mind that work, kids, and other life events can all affect spouses’ ability to spend quality time together, so this doesn’t necessarily always mean there’s a problem in the marriage. That said, be aware of any drastic changes in the amount of time you and your partner are dedicating to each other, your relationship, and your shared interests.

Resentment toward your spouse

When spouses are unhappy in their marriage, they may begin to experience feelings of bitterness or resentment toward one another. Consider whether you frequently find yourself wishing you were no longer married, resenting your spouse for their behavior, words, or actions, or experiencing other persistent negative feelings toward them. 

Again, it’s important to keep in mind that even happily married couples can wrestle with the above issues, and these signs do not necessarily always point to problems with the marriage. That’s why, if you’re having doubts about your relationship, seeking the advice of a licensed professional can be a useful way of getting to the bottom of what you’re feeling.

Addressing marriage challenges through therapy

Whether you’re experiencing challenges with your spouse or you aren’t sure where your feelings stand, couples therapy can be an invaluable resource for getting to the bottom of an unhappy marriage and helping you navigate your emotions. A licensed relationship counselor can develop a personalized treatment plan, providing spouses with the tools they need to manage conflicts, rekindle intimacy and affection, improve communication, and move forward in a healthy way. 

However, for married couples experiencing challenges, traditional couples therapy may not always be feasible. Due to the cost of couples counseling (sometimes as much as $200 a session), and the fact that it is not typically covered by insurance, many spouses are instead turning to online therapy through platforms like Regain. With prices starting at $65 per week, and the ability to attend therapy from wherever is most convenient, couples may find this a more accessible alternative to in-person, face-to-face therapy. 

Spouses seeking counseling may wonder whether virtual therapy brings the same benefits as traditional therapy. According to the research, it does: one 2022 study found that online couples counseling led to similar improvements as traditional counseling with regards to stress, depression, anxiety, and relationship satisfaction. Another study found that the virtual format of teletherapy allowed couples to feel a stronger connection to their therapists. 

Takeaway

Marriages aren’t always easy, and even happy marriages can experience ups and downs. That said, if you notice signs such as unhealthy communication, unresolved conflicts, resentment, less frequent intimacy, or reduced quality time in your marriage, this may be a sign of an underlying issue. Relationship therapy may be a valuable resource for improving relationship satisfaction, identifying sources of conflict, and helping spouses effectively navigate challenges in their marriages. 

If you would like to explore couples counseling, you can be matched with a licensed therapist through Regain to get started. If you are experiencing or witnessing any form of abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).