"My Marriage Sucks": Eight Resources For Marriage Help

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

What are the signs of a toxic marriage?

Here are some signs that you might be in a toxic marriage:

• Name-calling, stonewalling, gaslighting, or other emotional abuse tactics
• Telling you that you are the problem and the one to blame all of the time
• Refusal to talk things through
• Dismissal of your feelings
• Cheating
• Making you feel as though you're always wrong and that they are always right
• Someone has control over your finances or personal financial items such as your credit card
• Other controlling behaviors such as trying to keep you away from friends or family

This is by no means an exhaustive list. Usually, if something is off, you will know. It'll weigh you down, and you may experience depression, stress, and anxiety. A toxic marriage is not the same as an abusive marriage, though abusive relationships are undoubtedly toxic. A toxic marriage that isn't abusive could include a push-pull dynamic, often seen in relationships where one partner is avoidant, and the other is anxious.

You may not always recognize that you're in a toxic marriage, but usually, you'll feel like something isn't as it should be. You should trust yourself and lean into those feelings if that happens. Explore why you feel the way you do and see if anything could be changed or fixed to improve the relationship.

Is it better to divorce or stay unhappily married?

Only you can decide if you want to get a divorce or not, but if you've tried everything and nothing's worked or if you find yourself desiring divorce or separation no matter what you do, it might be the best option. In some cases, an unhappy marriage doesn't need to stay unhappy and can be improved by couples counseling. In other cases, couples make the ultimate decision to split. If you want help separating peacefully, divorce counseling is the way to go. Alternatively, if you're in an unhappy marriage and haven't tried to improve it yet or have tried to smooth things out on your own to no avail, couples therapy can help you turn things around and have a happy relationship.

When should you give up on marriage?

Like only you can decide if you want to get a divorce, only you can decide when to give up on a marriage. Some people choose to leave after an emotional affair or cheating behavior takes place. In contrast, others decide to leave after working things out and finding that anything they try isn't making a difference.

In general, you should step away from a marriage when there is indifference or if the relationship is abusive. Professional marriage counselors say that indifference is harmful to marriage because someone indifferent has no desire to improve or change the relationship. This means they're unlikely or unable to put in the effort to make things better. If they can't do that, there's often little hope of the marriage getting better and surviving. It takes two people to make a healthy relationship a priority.

You should also step away from a marriage when there's any abuse. This could be physical, psychological, mental, verbal, or emotional abuse. Abuse is never okay under any circumstances. If you are experiencing abuse in your marriage, confide in a friend or contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse at 1−800−799−7233, available 24/7.

Ending a marriage is never easy, but it happens, and you aren't alone in going through this. Getting support from friends, family, and potentially a support group is crucial during this time for many people. A lot of the time, individuals going through a divorce will also go to counseling. It's normal to feel sad and to experience anxiety and depression. You will likely encounter the five stages of grief when you go through a divorce.

In addition to individual counseling, you and your current spouse might choose to go to divorce counseling so that you can separate peacefully. It's hard to leave a marriage, especially when you put effort into staying married, whether it was a happy or unhappy marriage. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and things will improve over time. As far away as it may seem right now, if you're struggling, know that life will be good again and don't be afraid to reach out for help.

What to do if you are not happy in your marriage?

Couples counseling is an excellent option for those who are struggling in their marriage. In couples counseling, you will spend time establishing and focusing on your goals as a couple. You'll identify what works and what doesn't work in your partnership and how to modify what's holding you both back. You can also see a couple's therapist work through difficulties related to cheating or affairs, including an emotional affair that impacted your partnership.

If it's a matter of lack of affection or a connection fizzling out without any other notable problems, one of the things that you might focus on is increasing affection in your relationship. You might start to prioritize having a date night once a week or verbalizing the things you like about each other so that you both know you're appreciated by your significant other.

Various therapy modalities can be used in couples therapy, including emotionally focused therapy or EFT, which has a 70% to 75% success rate. A couple's counselor can help you work through a wide assortment of relationship problems you may have. You'll focus on listening and understanding what your partner is saying, navigating conflict, and any other concerns within your partnership.

What is disrespectful in a marriage?

Disrespect is anything that disregard's the feelings of another person or treats them as undeserving of dignity. Disrespectful people can be rude, contemptuous, or scornful.

There are several ways that someone can show disrespect in a marriage. Someone might use passive-aggressive behavior or engage in emotional abuse tactics such as gaslighting and stonewalling. It can be hard to see passive-aggressive behavior for what it is at times, especially if your partner brushes it off or tells you that you're overreacting. An example of passive-aggressive behavior in a relationship is a spouse who makes snide, off-the-cuff remarks and tells you that you're overreacting or that it was a joke. Another potential example is withholding affection.

Someone who disrespects you may also insult your intelligence or act as though they're always right and you're wrong by default. They might treat you as less than or believe that they have the upper hand over you, even in small, subtle ways. Boundaries are important in any relationship, but they can also be disrespected by one or both partners. If your spouse isn't respecting your right to and space, speak up about how you feel. If your partner disrespects you, it's a massive red flag that can't be ignored. It's vital that they accept responsibility and actively put in the effort to change.

How do you know when a relationship is really over?

If you've spent a lot of time trying to work things out and things are still on the rocks, you might feel as though you're at a loss and wonder if your relationship is over. A potential sign that a relationship is over is a rocky partnership and the refusal to work things out or go to counseling. Other signs are lack of intimacy, not wanting to be around your partner or a toxic relationship.

It could also be that you don't have much in common anymore. Ultimately, the only way to determine if a relationship is over is to pay attention to how you feel internally. Do you want to try to patch things up? Is there something going on that you've been pushing down or ignoring?

After paying attention to how you feel inside, bring it up with your partner. Use "I" statements and express how you feel and what you need. Additionally, know that it's up to you and your partner to determine if your relationship is over or if you want to call it off. Although it can be helpful to have a third, unbiased party to help (such as a couple's therapist), ultimately, no one else can make that choice for you.

What's the number one reason for divorce?

The number one reason for divorce is money. Financial problems are the leading cause of divorce, but this can mean a lot of different things. Often, one spouse considers themselves "cheap" and likes to save where possible. The other spouse likes to spend and isn't as concerned about saving for the future. Naturally, this creates a strain in the marriage.

In other cases, debt can be a huge factor that creates problems. If one spouse has a bunch of loans or debt from college, car payments, or even gambling habits, it can rock the marriage. Other times one spouse makes a lot more money at their job and holds it over the head of their husband or wife. Money matters are complex and deserving of attention.

There are other common reasons that people get divorced. Some of the other common reasons people get a divorce include but aren't limited to infidelity or affairs, including emotional affairs, communication issues, substance use, and difficulty with conflict resolution or frequent arguments. Additionally, there's always the possibility that you and your partner have changed as people and no longer align with each other in a way that'd make for a healthy relationship where both partners feel free to be themselves and get their needs met.

Can a marriage last without intimacy?

When it comes to relationships, sex is usually what people think of when they hear the word intimacy, but there's more than just one kind of intimacy. Physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, intellectual intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and more.

If you and your partner are both on the asexual spectrum, a marriage can very well last without sexual intimacy. However, in many relationships, sex is important. Many people wonder what the difference between physical and sexual intimacy is; the difference is that physical intimacy pertains to things like hugging and holding hands, where sex refers to sexual acts specifically.

Marriage is unlikely to last if there is no intimacy related to the broad definition of the word, so start making plans to spend quality time with one another and prioritize putting in the effort to establish a greater sense of intimacy. If you and your partner are struggling with intimacy, counseling can be extremely helpful.

Why do unhappy couples stay together?

There are several reasons that unhappy couples might stay together. One is that they are both avoidants of confrontation and are afraid to say anything about being unhappy in the relationship. Another common reason is that people want to stay together for their kids. Relationship science has dispelled the idea that staying together for the kids isn't positive or beneficial if you don't have a happy marriage.

The good news is that there are ways to split and raise children amicably. This is one of the things that divorce counseling or seeing a couple's counselor can help you do. Raising kids is a full-time job, possibly the most important job there is, and there can be a lot of stress and anxiety surrounding if you're doing it right. Counseling is a great place to talk about your concerns and work through any disparities with your current spouse or ex-partner.

If a relationship is long-term or you've been together for a long time, some unhappy couples worry about the amount of time they've put into it and are afraid of the unknown that'd follow after a breakup. You might remember the good times and struggle to break things off, even if things haven't been the same for a while. While things may be difficult now, in the long run, it's best to face your concerns head-on so that you and your partner can conclude how you'd like to move forward. Don't be afraid to reach out for support if you need it, and know that you deserve a healthy relationship.