How To Encourage And Support An Insecure Husband
By: Stephanie Kirby
Updated November 30, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Stephanie Deaver, LCSW
Life can be hard with an insecure husband. While he might do a good job of trying to hide it, insecurity has a way of impacting every area of life, including your marriage. Watching someone that you love struggle with insecurity can be difficult. Learning how to encourage and support your husband as he goes through this can make a big difference for your husband’s life and your marriage.
Signs That You Have an Insecure Husband
It can be tricky to recognize when your husband is insecure because men often do a good job of hiding it. They may do this because they are unaware of their insecure behaviors or it might be that they are just too embarrassed to admit it. So, here are some signs that you can watch for if you think you have an insecure husband:
He is Indecisive
If your husband is insecure, he may struggle with making decisions. He’s unsure of his ability to decide and often second-guesses himself. He may even want to be the person that makes the decision, but he’ll look to you to affirm the decision he has made. This helps him to feel like he made a good one.
He Needs Constant Reassurance
When your husband is insecure, he will want constant reassurance from you to know that you still love him and want to be with him. This could be as simple as constantly telling you how he feels so you respond with the same or it could be that he is overly needy for compliments.
Because he is insecure in himself, he’s looking to you to build him up. He depends on your good opinion of him to feel that he is good.
He Seems Confident
This may seem like it would contradict him being insecure, but sometimes men will put on an act. They don’t want anyone to realize that they are insecure, so they go too far the other way acting like they are confident. When they do this, they may come across as stuck up or rude and give the impression that they think they know everything.
He May Blame You and Be Angry
Your husband’s insecurity may come out as irritability and anger. For example, if he is driving somewhere and doesn’t know where he’s going, he might make a wrong turn. Because he feels bad about himself and doesn’t want to admit it, he may find a way to try to blame you by saying that you didn’t do a good job of giving him directions. He might be angry, and while it seems like he’s angry at you, it’s really that he’s angry at himself.
He’s Overly Jealous
If your man isn’t confident in himself, he’s going to be overly jealous of others. He might be suspicious for no reason thinking that you are interested in someone else even though you aren’t and have given no indication that you are. He might question your actions and want to know exactly what all your interactions with other people are. He wants to trust you; it’s just that he doesn’t fully understand why you are with him and doesn’t trust it to stay that way.
Make Sure You Aren’t Part of the Problem
Chances are that your husband’s insecurity has nothing to do with you. It may be something that he has from past hurt in his life or be a symptom of a mental health challenge. However, it never hurts to fully examine a situation to make sure that there isn’t something that you’re doing to contribute to the problem.
Honestly evaluate your behavior towards your husband. Are you working to build him up? Do you give him compliments? Or, are you constantly criticizing him and tearing down his self-esteem?
If you are always trying to make yourself the one that’s “right” and explaining why your husband is the one that’s “wrong,” then there is a good chance that you are part of the problem. If you think this could be true there are some simple steps that you can take to start to turn the situation around. Start by apologizing to your husband. Share with him what you have realized and that you want to work to change the way that you treat him.
It also might be beneficial for you and your husband to go to counseling. A licensed therapist can help you identify areas that you can improve your relationship.
How to Support Your Husband
If you see the signs that your husband is insecure and you know that you aren’t the reason for it, there are some things that you can do to help him and show him support.
Ask Him What You Can Do
If your husband knows that he is insecure, it could help for you to ask him if there is anything that you can do for him. If this is a problem that he has struggled with, then he might have ideas on what you can do to help him.
Shower Him with Authentic Compliments
Do not try to flatter your husband with inauthentic compliments. This would only hurt him in the long run. Look for opportunities to give him authentic words of affirmation. Don’t wait for him to be feeling down to start trying to build him up. Look for opportunities to do it regularly.
Don’t Allow Him to Compare Himself to Others
Any time that you hear him starting to compare himself to others, stop him. You can use facts to help him see why his insecure thoughts are not true and to help him spot the truth about himself.
Help Him Spot His Triggers
Many times, when people are insecure, certain things cause those insecure feelings to come on stronger than others. Talk to your husband and together see if you can find out what any of those triggers are. Once you know them, you can help him to be aware of when them in the future.
Don’t Give Him A Reason To Be Jealous
If your husband struggles with jealousy, don’t give him any additional reasons to be jealous. Don’t be secretive about phone calls, emails, or relationships that you have with people. Instead, help reassure him that he has nothing to be jealous about and help him to be comfortable when you’re going to be in situations that he is often jealous. For example, make sure that he knows where your plans are and also, be honest about who you will be with. If he is jealous and finds out that you were hiding information from him, it’s going to ruin the trust in your relationship.
Help Him Find the Root of His Insecurity
His insecurity may stem from something in his childhood, a business failure, or a failed relationship in the past. Past hurts and failures can make it difficult for him to believe that things will be different for him in the future. If you can help him find what the root of his insecurity is, then you can begin to find ways to help him overcome it.
Sometimes there isn’t going to be anything that you can do to help him with his insecurity. In this case, you should focus on just being kind and empathetic towards him. Be a listening ear when he needs it.
Support Him in Talking to a Therapist
A licensed therapist can help your husband work through insecurity. He may be nervous or leery about going on his own. You can encourage him by showing him support in any effort that he makes towards getting help. You can also offer to go to counseling with him. This can make him more likely to go to counseling because he might feel like not all of the attention will be on him.
If he doesn’t want to go and sit in front of a therapist at their office, then he may be more open to trying online therapy. This can help put him at ease because he can talk with a therapist from his house and not feel so exposed in his insecurity.
Remember to Protect Your Mental Health
It’s normal for you to want to help your husband if he struggles with insecurity, but don’t allow that to have a negative impact on your mental health. Make sure that you set appropriate boundaries. While you shouldn’t be hiding anything in your relationship, it’s also not normal for your husband to always have to track you down, listen in on your conversations, and read all of your emails. This isn’t healthy for your marriage.
Make sure that you take time for yourself. It can be exhausting to be married to someone that’s always looking to you for encouragement and reassurance. Practice good self-care so you will have the energy that your marriage needs. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a therapist for yourself as well.
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