How And Why Marriages Change Over Time
Most marriages begin as the beautiful union of two people who have confessed their unwavering love for each other for a lifetime. This is the foundation of a strong relationship and is often expected to be the primary source of strength and support for both people. The amount of time a marriage lasts varies. Some couples are married for a few weeks, months, years, and others for a lifetime.
Regardless of how long a marriage lasts, change is inexorable. There are several patterns or courses of change that takes place over the years. The most familiar or common type of change is physical, but what happens beyond that? What other factors of change occur in a marriage? When things are changing, it impacts marriages in several ways. Some people refuse to accept the change that occurs in relationships. This is why it's difficult for some marriages to work.
It's common for couples to become concerned or fear the unknown when their marriage begins to go through unexpected changes. Preparation helps each person to acknowledge, adjust, and accept the changes that occur.
How Do Marriages Change Over Time?
If you're in a marriage or expecting to be in one soon, it's good to know what changes to expect. Though the changes will vary, some are quite common among all marriages. These changes aren't the expected ones, such as an address or name change or an increase in your tax bracket.
Change in marriages doesn't occur overnight. There are phases of change that take place throughout the marriage. For many, it happens right before their eyes, and they barely notice it until it begins to affect their relationship.
Here are a few common changes that may occur in a marriage.
Romance is one of the primary factors that can change in a marriage. The long conversations while gazing into each other's eyes, holding hands, and enjoying a nice night on the couch can eventually begin to be taken for granted. These are the little things that likely surfaced early on after the relationship became exclusive. Marriages lose a lot of romance because people begin to get comfortable and feel there is no need to do their first things. Romance is a big part of happiness in a marriage.
Time management becomes almost impossible for some couples after they're married. They start to devote more time to studies or work to build a better future for their family. This happens in relationships as one or both people in the marriage strive towards success or do more volunteer work for their children's activities and other similar commitments. This change can be avoided if the couple makes a conscious effort to make time for each other at least once or twice per week.
A communication breakdown often occurs in marriages. For some, it seems that the longer they're married, the more they begin to assume that their spouse knows everything. However, this mindset may contribute greatly to the results that show poor communication is one of the leading causes of failed marriages. Couples need to express themselves freely in a relationship and learn how to engage each other ineffective communication. Marriage counselors can help couples work through their communication issues and other issues in the relationship. Opening up to your partner and keeping the lines of communication open helps to avoid major confusion or conflict in the marriage.
Couples seem to go out on fewer dates after they're married. It's important to date your mate even after saying "I DO" to keep the spark alive. Continue to arrange date nights that you both will enjoy. It may be more effective if the two of you create a schedule that permits a change in the planning process. Alternate the planning routine to keep it interesting, and the element of surprise is good for the relationship. Date night can be arranged to work around both schedules but try to go out at least once or twice per month without the kids.
Couples begin to lose their connection after marriage. Some marriages grow while others grow apart. This is due in part to the disconnect that takes place between the couple. Factors such as failure to communicate, date, and romance each other all contribute to the disconnect. It's important to continue to engage your mate after marriage. Make sure to remain aligned in every aspect of the marriage. Whisper sweet nothings to let your partner know that you still feel the same way you did at the start of the relationship. Offer to carry the bags while walking through the mall. Husbands should still open the door to show simple acts of kindness. These are all little ways to maintain a strong connection with your spouse.
Finances are a major change that may occur in some marriages at one point or another. in the marriage. If finances are a concern at the start of a marriage, it can be a welcome change if they improve. However, changes that cause a downward spiral of finances could place a strain on the marriage. The loss of a job could lead to a lack of income in the household. This could cause bills to fall behind or other financial hardships for the family. It is always best to discuss finances and work together to ensure that everything stays afloat. Please make plans to approach challenges as a couple and devise a plan as soon as possible to overcome any challenges that may present themselves.
What Can You Do to Avoid or Cope with Change?
The most important thing you can do in a marriage to avoid the change is to prepare for it before getting married. Be open to welcoming any good or bad changes. The love you have for each other will give couples the strength they need to deal with negative changes in the marriage. Most couples become consumed with the idea of marriage and how it was in the beginning. This prevents them from realizing that it requires work to make it work.
Here are a few suggestions to help your marriage endure any changes that may occur.
- Talk to your spouse. Marriages are built on love, trust, and open communication. Talk to your spouse about the things that happen throughout your day and anything that concerns you. Your mate should be the first person you turn to when something is bothering you. Set aside a few minutes each day, approximately 20-30, and sit and talk about anything that comes to mind. This should be done even when there are no big concerns in life.
- Be honest with your spouse. Honesty is the foundation of trust. Always tell your spouse the truth, even when it's uncomfortable. This is especially important for couples that have dealt with infidelity or other types of betrayal in the marriage. Most importantly, be honest without having to be asked. Your mate will appreciate you being forthcoming without them having to pry or plead the truth out of you.
- Develop a plan to address and overcome the changes. It doesn't help to avoid the changes that you notice happening in your marriage. They must be addressed before you can overcome them. Couples should talk and create a plan detailing what they will do differently to turn things around. The beautiful thing about marriage is that there is always room for growth, and sometimes changes prompt growth.
- See a marriage counselor. It can be difficult for the couple to address and overcome the changes in the marriage. Sometimes a neutral party is more effective at helping the couple exhibit the necessary habits for a loving marriage. Consider the benefits of talking with a counselor to help guide you through this challenging phase of the marriage, such as conforming to arranged marriage tips suggested by relationship counselors.
- Accept the change. Sometimes change is positive. Marriages grow, and the people in the relationship grow and change also. It's important to remember that growth can be successfully accommodated if both parties are willing to grow into the change that has occurred. Finding a happy place is the best way to maintain a strong marriage. You can enjoy change and the happiness that accompanies it also.
Although change can be difficult at first, it's inevitable in most marriages. Perspective may change, level of attraction may change, or other attributes may change as well. Couples should prepare themselves for change and anticipate the best approach to make this change easier to adjust to.
Take these steps as you begin to experience a change in a marriage.
Make Decisions Cautiously
It's important to make decisions as a couple. Refrain from making long-term decisions as a result of the short-term change. Don't decide to move to purchase a home, buy a car, or relocate to another state based on temporary changes in the marriage. Decisions made at the moment during a heated conversation or an argument are never good. Take time to think things over before making any life-changing decisions that will impact the marriage.
Remain Calm
Change can cause panic in anyone. It's important to maintain a sense of calmness when things begin to change in the marriage. You can still find value in your relationship and enjoy your mate. Change doesn't always equate to disaster. Just as humans undergo physical changes, expect the relationship to undergo the same.
Examine the Positive Aspects of the Change
Although change can be scary or uncomfortable, there is a chance that something good can come from those changes. Examine the positive aspects of the change that has occurred in the marriage. Refuse to focus on all the negative aspects because it ruins the chance of recovering from the change that is taking place. Be open to admitting that the changes aren't to blame on anyone person in the marriage. Spend more time trying to create ways to focus on the positive changes and how the marriage can capitalize on them moving forward. Show the same patience and love with your partner that you would want them to show you. They're experiencing similar feelings because the change impacts them also.
Talk to Other Married Couples
It's important to engage other married couples. It offers several perspectives on how marriages differ. In a marriage that only befriends singles, it's easy to become confused or begin to miss the elements that existed when you were single. Surrounding yourself with other married couples provides an opportunity for you to see what others do when they encounter change and how they cope with the changes.
If your marriage is experiencing changes and you're unsure how to cope, begin by speaking with your mate. It's important to understand how the other person perceives these changes before devising a plan to work through them. Every relationship is established on principles, but principles vary among relationships. Remain committed to taking care of the things that matter most to you as a couple and never allow the other person to feel as if their concerns aren't important.
Staying in touch with your feelings and acknowledging the love you have for your mate daily is one way to make accepting change easier. In a marriage, anything can be conquered if you don't try to conquer it alone. Think back to all the reasons you fell in love in the first place. Use these thoughts to help recall how life felt less than complete before you became one. If it's not an option to go back to that place of incompletion and you truly want to remain in a happy and loving relationship, agree to work on whatever changes as they come. Marriages change because couples grow, and just as your love for your spouse becomes stronger over the years, so should your desire to overcome challenges or obstacles.
“My wife and I decided to give online couples counseling a go after finding traditional methods weren’t all that suited to our busy working and parenting lifestyle. Our counselor Donna Kemp has been amazing! We both feel she’s listened to us and given us the confidence to step out of our comfort zone to deal with problems that are easy to avoid. She is encouraging without being pushy. We’ve both responded very well to her and her methods and look forward to continuing on with Donna. Highly recommend!”
“Cris Roman saved my marriage. His approach to therapy taught my husband and I the skills we needed to change the way we communicated and the way we understood each other. He is very non-judgemental and helps each person make sense of the others' feelings and actions without taking sides or placing blame. His ability to make you feel heard while helping you to see and understand why your significant other is acting a certain way is phenomenal.”
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):
What years of marriage is the hardest?
There are different schools of thought on the hardest years of marriage, with some identifying a range of years and others identifying a specific year or a series of specific years. Although the term “seven-year itch” has a strong history of use—and is even the source of an iconic moment in movie history—some studies have dismissed the idea that seven years is the most common time for divorces and a decrease in marital satisfaction, while others have reinforced it. So what exactly are the most likely periods or stages of marriage to end in marital dissolution?
By some estimates, the first year of marriage is the hardest. During this period, marriage problems suddenly arise; as the excitement of being married wears off, the literal honeymoon is over, and the reality of committing your life to another person begins to set in. The first year of marriage may not result in divorce but is one of the most difficult years of marriage to weather. Couples who make it past one year are not guaranteed to last, but if that first year of marriage is handled with compassion and grace, couples may come out the other side much stronger and better for it.
Other estimates identify the seventh year of marriage as the hardest year of marriage. Some statistics have suggested that the seventh year of marriage is the year most likely to divorce. The stages of marriage are often well past the honeymoon, and family started phases at the 7-year point. Some have cited the loss of exciting or novel stages of marriage as a potential reason for marital dissatisfaction at seven years.
Still, other estimates suggest that the period of time with the greatest marriage problems is actually years 5-7 of marriage. During this time, young children often challenge marriages and the stage of marriage that involves growing older, letting go of some marital expectations, and dealing with job challenges and the stresses of being an adult. If couples make it past the 5-7 year mark, they are not guaranteed to last until “death do us part,” but many couples who come out the other side of this stage of marriage report feeling closer and stronger.
What year of marriage is divorce most common?
While it may seem odd that two series of years so close to the beginning of marriage are most closely linked to divorce, the introductory stage of marriage can be extremely taxing on a relationship, as there is often a seismic shift in relationship dynamics inside of marriage and out. This shift is frequently unconscious or unintentional and frequently involves changing expectations, whether those expectations revolve around the role of each partner in the relationship or the nature of the relationship overall.
Years 5-7 are typically not included in the newlywed or introductory stages of marriage. Still, they have long been linked to changes in marriage relationships and other types of situations, including homeownership and car ownership. The 5-7 year mark has been identified as a common point at which homeowners begin looking for a new home, car owners begin looking for a new car, and even employees begin looking for a new position. What is it about years 5-7 that encourages people to start experiencing dissatisfaction? These periods of time are long enough that people and things have lost their novelty (and corresponding appeal), but not so long that people feel they have spent too much of their time and effort with a person (or contract) to start fresh.
Although not all marriages follow the same patterns and provide predictable stages, many marriages adhere to the 1-2 year and 5-7 year divorce statistics, whether a first marriage, a second, or even a third.
What's the hardest part of marriage?
Several parts of marriage can be exceedingly difficult, depending on your personality, upbringing, and disposition. For some, fusing your life with someone else’s is the most challenging aspect of marriage, as it requires some amount of compromise and sacrifice. For others, the most difficult part of marriage is commitment, as the prospect of remaining partnered up with one person for the rest of your life is a daunting proposition. Some of the most common parts of marriage that are identified as the hardest part of marriage have been identified below:
- Facing your own weaknesses. Although relationships are wonderful, powerful things capable of revealing our strengths, they are also quite adept at revealing our weaknesses. This is perhaps never truer than in marriage, where your behavior patterns and thought processes are visible to another person at all times.
- Family issues. Although it may seem like a cliche, it is true: when you marry someone, you marry their family and friends, too. If you have a difficult relationship with your significant other’s parents, siblings, or closest friends, those issues are likely to be exacerbated by marriage.
- Facing your partner’s perceived weaknesses. Being in a committed, long-term relationship that is legally binding can up the pressure in a relationship and may make it seem as though your significant other has developed a host of new (and frustrating) behaviors and habits. This can cause some tension in the early stages of marriage.
- Identifying prior wounds. In some marriage relationships, the marriage dynamic leads to an unveiling of prior issues, pain, or worries. These issues must then be resolved or worked on, which can feel overwhelming in the early stages of marriage or act as an entire stage of marriage on their own.
Relationships of all shapes and sizes have difficulties, but marriage relationships are perhaps notoriously more difficult than family relationships and friendships. Whether you are in the beginning stages of marriage or a late stage of marriage, there will be difficulties that will arise. You must decide to either move forward in your marriage or determine that the relationship is no longer worth it.
What are the most common problems in a marriage?
Common marriage problems can vary from person to person, age to age, and culture to culture. Still, some marriage issues have frequently been found in rocky marriages, dissolved, or otherwise problematic. These problems include:
- Ineffective communication. Marriage relationships are often plagued by communication issues, the most common of which is ineffective communication. Ineffective communication often involves blaming, refusing to take responsibility, refusing to compromise, and failing to approach issues and concerns as though you are two parts of a single team rather than two opposing forces.
- Lack of physical intimacy. Physical intimacy and sex have long been tied to professed happiness in a relationship. A lack of physical intimacy is often a sign of a deeper issue in the marriage. Although no one can definitively identify the number of times a couple “should” be having sex each week or quantify an adequate amount of physical closeness, it is generally thought that partners with similar physical needs are happier than those in relationships with disparate physical intimacy needs.
- Lack of vulnerability. Marriage is an intimate relationship, and a continual lack of intimacy can begin to erode a marriage relationship. Despite the powerful negative effect, a lack of vulnerability can affect a marriage; this is a common concern among married couples. Many couples have prior wounds and other issues with an intimacy that make intimacy difficult and do not devote time and energy to resolving those issues before getting married.
- Financial disagreements. Finances remain the number one cause of divorce, and an evaluation of common marriage problems would be remiss were it not to include the prevalence of financial disagreements in marriage. Financial problems may be small, such as not agreeing on spending a tax return, or maybe large, such as having fundamentally different ideas about how to spend and save.
- Unequal rates of growth. People are not static creatures, and everyone evolves to some degree. In some marriages, partners grow and change at different paces, leading to significant issues in the relationship and increasing feelings of anger, frustration, or resentment.
Why is marriage so complicated?
Marriage is complicated because relationships are often complicated. Although friendships can be complicated, there are unique aspects of marriage that make it a uniquely difficult relationship, including the many different stages of marriage that a couple can go through and how those stages of marriage can impact health and well-being. Ultimately, marriage is complicated because people are complicated. Pledging your commitment to someone for the duration of your life is certainly admirable. Still, many issues can arise in the interim—some of which are ultimately deemed too strong to be overcome. Marriage is so complicated because people change and grow over time, and if two people change and grow in opposite directions, it can cause a great deal of strife and frustration.
How does marriage change over time?
What are causes of recent change in family and marriage?
What are the top 3 major trends currently impacting marriage?
How has family changed over time?
Has the marriage rate increased or decreased?