Here’s Why A Sexless Marriage Will Not Work Out
Updated April 27, 2020
Reviewer Lisa Childers, LCSW
We've all seen it in the media or heard it from our friends. Sometimes we even experience it ourselves. Someone starts wanting to have sex less than they used to; someone else has a problem with it that may or may not get resolved and then soon, those two someone are going through a divorce or catching each other cheating. The fact that sexless marriages do not work out is not a surprise. You may be thinking, why do sexless marriages happen and how can I prevent mine from falling apart like others? Let's find out!
A Marriage Becomes Sexless For Reasons Other Than Terrible Sex
Yes, one of the reasons your marriage may become sexless could be sex that is no longer exciting for one person, or it could be due to a lack of libido from one of the individuals in the relationship. However, there are a lot more reasons why a marriage may suffer from a lack of sex. These reasons include:
- The needs of children
- Stress that stems from work, the home, or a lack of excitement in life
- Unexpressed issues in the relationship that have caused one partner or both to be angry at each other
- Problems with money
- A lack of communication from one party or both
- Too much time spent together or one partner being to "clingy" or needy of their partner
While these are some common reasons for a sexless marriage and could be due to a medical condition or a result of medication that someone is taking. If this is the case for you or your partner, try to console them and to figure out how you can work around these medical issues. Understanding and perseverance will help you get through these types of problems.
If your problem is related to one of the issues on the list, however, some serious work needs to take place in your relationship. Read on for help on how to solve these issues.
A Sexless Marriage Falls Apart Because A Couple Is Unwilling To Address And Work On These Issues
Sexless marriages are bound to fall apart because there are serious issues that a couple is unwilling to address and work on. As you can see in the list above, a sexless marriage is often caused by serious relationship problems. You may think that sex is indeed the problem but it's much deeper than that. Here's the truth: a sexless marriage can be fixed. You and your partner can have sex again if you are willing to try to salvage the relationship and love that you have for each other.
However, that is easier said than done. Here is what you need to do to make a significant change that will fix your life and your marriage:
If Your Sexless Marriage Is Due To Serious Relationship Issues…
- Consider Seeing A Marriage Counselor - Depending on the length of your relationship, you may have some negative habits so deeply ingrained into your relationship that you may need a marriage counselor to help you work them out. For example, let's imagine that you have an issue with your spouse that you have dealt with for the past four years. Bringing it up may address the issue, but this type of behavior is unlikely to change overnight. What happens when things don't change? You guys become resentful towards each other, and things go back to the way they were before. If there are some things you need help working towards, see a marriage counselor.
- Sit Down With Your Partner And Share What Is Not Working - Make some time to sit down and to discuss what is not working for both you and your partner. For example, let's imagine that you have a sexless marriage because of your shared lack of time. Once you and your partner have both expressed this issue and need, you can write it down and figure out some ways to resolve it. Maybe you need to have a date night once a week and send the kids to a babysitter. Perhaps you need to take off work a couple of days out of the week. There is a solution to every problem. Make sure you and your partner are heard and figure it out between yourselves.
- Stick To Your Word - There is nothing worse than you or your partner telling each other that you are going to follow through on something and then not following through on it. Once you've sat down and come up with a plan on how you are going to repair your marriage, stick to your word. Make an effort to work and expect the same from your partner. Only through hard work can you save a sexless marriage.
- Spice Things Up A Bit - You won't be able to pick up right where you left off when you begin having sex with your partner again. Things may be awkward, or you may not have the same type of passion that you did before things became sexless. If this happens, try spicing things up in the bedroom. Maybe there are some fantasies that you and your partner have both been wanting to act on since you married. Maybe there are some toys you could try that would make sex more pleasurable for the two of you. Whatever it is that gets you and your partner excited to get back into the bedroom again, pursue that avenue and make sure that both of your needs are met.
- Give It Time - Your marriage won't come back together overnight, no matter how much you want it to. To make a difference, you and your partner are both going to have to pitch in and give it time. Yes, it will be difficult, and there will undoubtedly be times when you want to give up on the marriage entirely. You may even find that your marriage isn't repairable. However, it is better to try and to find out than to give up altogether on your marriage.
If Your Sexless Marriage Is Due To A Medical Condition…
- Speak With Your Doctor - Whether it is you or your partner dealing with a medical condition that is affecting your sex drive or your ability to have sex, speak with your doctor immediately. There are usually ways to work around medical conditions or medicinal side-effects that affect the sex drive. There are also ways to work around the body if it is not feeling any desire to have sex at all.
- Speak With Your Partner - If you are dealing with a medical condition that is affecting your sex life, you most likely feel bad enough about your lack of performance. If your partner is dealing with a medical condition, they most likely feel terrible about their lack of performance as well. Make some time to sit down to have a safe and friendly talk about the lack of sex in the marriage.
Make sure that this talk is non-confrontational and that it does not place any blame on one person within the marriage. Someone who cannot have sex with their partner because of a medical condition does not need the fault placed on them. They need support, comfort, and understanding. Set these ground rules before talking with your partner.
- Focus On Intimacy And Work Around Sex If It Is Not Possible - If one partner is not able to physically have sex anymore, it can be a difficult thing for both partners to deal with and it is certainly much different than not having sex by choice. The great part about a relationship is that sex and intimacy often go together. If you can't have sex with each other, you can most definitely be intimate.
For example, let's say that your partner has recently gotten into an accident that has negatively affected their ability to have sex. While you cannot have sex with each other, they can still make love to you using toys or by pleasing you in different ways that do not involve direct intercourse. Also, you and your partner can maintain your closeness by doing things that include touch such as cuddling or taking baths together.
As you can see, trying to maintain a sexless marriage will only end in disaster. However, it is possible to fix a sexless marriage if both parties are willing to find that spark again. Do you and your partner need help to get back to that passion and love? If so, I highly recommend that you visit https://www.regain.us/start/. Regain is an online relationship counseling platform that is dedicated to helping users learn more about how to save their relationships. Clicking the link above will bring you to a page that will help you connect with the right relationship counselor for you. Try it today!