“Is This Real Love?” Five Facts About Love To Help You Find The Answer
Love is a nearly universal and deeply human emotion. But despite all the love we may experience, “real love” can be surprisingly difficult to describe.
If you hold strong feelings for someone but unsure whether you’re feeling genuine love, you’re not alone. All at once, falling for someone can be exciting, intimate, and overwhelming. Both in the moment and after an encounter with your lover, you may find it challenging to process your emotions and determine how you’re really feeling.
The following information and facts can guide you in a clearer direction – and if you need extra support, an online therapist can offer personalized advice and expertise.
How do psychologists define love?
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), love involves strong feelings of affection and tenderness for someone or something. These feelings are often deeply pleasurable, and make lovers feel devoted to each other’s well-being and sensitive to their reactions, feelings, and needs.
Physically, you may feel an increase in your energy levels, sweaty palms, lightheadedness, a racing heart, and positive feelings when you’re falling in love with someone. These physiological responses can be attributed to chemicals in the brain: most notably, oxytocin, phenethylamine, and dopamine, which make us alert, excited, and eager to bond.
As you become more comfortable and familiar with your lover, however, the intensity of these responses may mellow over time. In successful long-term relationships, physical intimacy remains important for many couples, but physical attractiveness tends to be less important than in those initial, heart-racing encounters.
What psychologists know about real love: Facts to consider
Beyond the psychological and physical explanations of love, how do you define real love on your own terms?
Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide whether your feelings amount to love, lust, or something entirely different. While we can’t assess your feelings for you, the following five facts about love can help you reflect on your feelings and decide how to proceed in your relationship.
1. Love is complex.
Love is a complex experience and can be broken down into many components. While there is no singular model to contain the complexity of love, many psychologists cite the Triangular Theory of Love, originally proposed by psychologist Robert Sternberg. This model divides love into three components:
- Intimacy, which describes feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness. You might describe this as a feeling of warmth in a loving relationship.
- Passion, which includes the drives and feelings of arousal that lead to romantic, physical, and sexual attraction.
- Decision/commitment, which involves both the short-term decision to invest in loving someone, and the long-term commitment to maintain that love.
These three components of love may help you frame your loving relationships, and consider how varying levels of passion, intimacy, and commitment can define and strengthen your connections over time.
2. There are different types of love.
The love you feel toward a friend may mellow in comparison to your passion for a lover, but both types of love are still “real” and meaningful under Sternberg’s theory.
When combined in various ways, the three components of love from can lead to eight types of love, again under Sternberg’s model.
Nonlove
Nonlove is the absence of intimacy, passion, and decision/ commitment. You may feel this toward an acquaintance or stranger.
Liking
Liking includes intimacy only and is the basis for most friendships.
Empty love
Empty love refers to the decision to love and commit to someone in the absence of both intimacy and passion. This could happen in an arranged partnership or when couples stay together for financial reasons.
Romantic love
Romantic love stems from a combination of intimacy and passion. You may resonate with this category if you’re casually dating someone or have a “friends with benefits” relationship.
Companionate love
Love between companions is typically a combination of intimacy and decision/ commitment. You might experience this love with a platonic best friend, a sibling, or another stable, committed person in your life.
Fatuous love
This intense form of love is a combination of passion and decision/commitment without intimacy. Fatuous love is often driven by sexual attraction but may lack the emotional intimacy you find in other relationships.
Consummate love
Under Sternberg’s model, this “complete love” combines intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment.
When considering what makes love “real”, keep these eight types of love in mind and remember that you can still feel love for someone, even if the relationship lacks a degree of commitment, intimacy, or passion.
3. Real love is in the brain
In several studies, scientists have used brain imaging to assess the neural activity of people in loving relationships.
In a foundational 2005 study, a team of researchers at Harvard Medical School analyzed 2,500 functional MRI (fMRI) brain scans of college students who viewed pictures of their romantic interests, compared to brain scans of students who viewed pictures of acquaintances. When students looked at photos of romantic partners, their brain activity increased in regions with high levels of dopamine: the “feel-good” neurotransmitter.
The scans also showed more brain activity in the caudate nucleus – a brain region associated with rewards and the integration of sensory experiences into social behavior – and the ventral tegmental area, which is linked to pleasure, focused attention, and the motivation to acquire rewards.
Other fMRI studies affirm that love affects the brain in a real, physical way. In the brains of long-term couples, for example, researchers have found that looking at photos of each other activates the basal ganglia: an area involved in promoting attachment. Not only can we describe the emotional experience of romantic love, but we can also see the brain “light up” in response to both new lovers and long-time partners.
4. Real love takes work and respect
You may have heard the saying that love and relationships take “work”, especially if you’re going through a difficult time with your friend or partner. To an extent, this saying is true: a loving relationship requires time, effort, and ongoing communication, and most friends and partners must resolve a conflict (or two) at some point in their relationship.
For many people, the “work” of a relationship happens during the resolution of a conflict, when you’re working to understand your partner and find a compromise or resolution. In a healthy, loving relationship, this work may be necessary – but it can still be difficult and frustrating at times.
If you feel like the work is too much and that your partner isn’t listening to you, it may be time to reassess the status of your relationship. Ideally, however, the work of understanding someone you love will make you feel more engaged and connected to them.
5. Love requires communication.
To “do the work” and make real love last, partners and friends must learn to communicate and respond to each other’s needs.
Research suggests that these reciprocal communication skills play a key role in healthy, long-term relationships. The phrase “communication skills” is a broad category, but in general, love thrives when partners and friends feel like they’re heard and seen by their loved ones.
To cultivate this feeling of responsiveness, both people in a relationship must be open to listening and revealing things about themselves: a process that requires time and courage. But allowing someone to know you – and getting to know them – can help you create a lasting, affectionate, and accepting kind of love.
A therapist can help you find real love
Whether you’re casually dating or trying to deepen a connection with a friend or family member, a therapist can help you navigate the different types and intensities of love.
Some people prefer traditional, in-person therapy to explore these issues, but a growing number of patients use online therapy to invest in their mental health and relationships. Using a digital platform like Regain, you can match with a board-certified therapist and begin scheduling sessions at a time and place that works best for you. Regain therapists have expertise in relationship therapy and can work with both individuals and couples.
Research suggests that online therapies can be just as effective as face-to-face options for a variety of mental health concerns. One 2020 study found that when couples received online therapy through videoconferencing, they experienced a positive shift in their expectations and felt fully immersed in the therapeutic process. Interestingly, some couples reported that the feeling of “distance” from their therapists made them feel more comfortable expressing themselves. These feelings may be especially helpful for couples therapy, where openness and honesty are needed to overcome shared challenges.
Takeaway
The phrase “real love” is yours to define. Regardless of the type of relationship, real and lasting love depends on healthy, clear communication between everyone involved.
If you’re looking for someone to guide you through the world of love and relationships, a licensed therapist can offer empathy and tangible strategies. Whether you attend sessions alone or with someone you love, you can discover what real love means to you – and how to express those feelings to the people in your life.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What does real and true love look like?
True love can look like any number of things from the outside — there’s not exactly a reliable formula that all of the best good relationships conform to. However, it can be consistently assumed that relationships with an element of real love are predicated on mutual understanding, patience, communication, empathy, and selflessness (to a healthy extent). Love requires these things to thrive, and sometimes even in new relationships, you can tell whether or not the seeds of mutual understanding are being sown, or if, in the long run, you two will never come to have a stable, good relationship.
How do you know if it’s love?
Seeing past the infatuation of new relationships can be difficult, and it may take time to see if what you’re feeling is really love. However, once things seem to settle down between you, you’ll be able to look at the very foundation of your relationship and see if what is between you and your partner is real.
How do you know if a person is in love with you?
While it is impossible to know if someone is in love with you for certain if they haven’t said as much, they may give off some tells that indicate that they feel particularly strongly about you. A person who is in love wants to direct a great deal of their attention and interest towards the object of their affection — if this individual is paying a greater amount of attention to you than they might to other people, this could indicate romantic interest or even love. They might also seem particularly emotionally in tune with you, to the point where they might experience your pain alongside you or feel joy when you feel joyful. Another sign is a desire to include you in their life — if they make an effort to tell you about what matters to them and incorporate you into their current (and potentially future, long term) lifestyle, that’s a good sign that they care deeply about you.
How do you know a man is your true love?
The idea of the soulmate is very romantic and magical — and indeed, the first stages of a new relationship can feel like you’ve met the person who is your exact match, like a puzzle piece clicking into place.
However, the reality is that there are lots of people in the world you might be blissfully happy with, and it’s unlikely that anyone singular individual will ever be your “soulmate.”
Do I love him, or am I just attached?
Knowing how to tell if you love someone or merely rely on their company and attention is hard to figure out. Sometimes, the way these two things look from the outside can make them seem interchangeable.
However, mere attachment is often oriented around one partner’s comfort in the idea of being in a relationship, rather than around affection for the partner themselves. So, it's worth asking, "Am I really interested or is it just an attachment?"
In a real loving relationship, you trust your partner enough to be away from them, to give them space, and to grow and explore with them. In an attachment relationship, the focus is often on remaining static and comfortable, and it can oftentimes be self-serving rather than mutually beneficial.
Does real and true love go away?
Unfortunately, yes, even true love can fade and dissipate over time. Images in the media of love that lasts forever or love that can endure massive strain are romantic. Still, they don’t always accurately reflect the relationships of many people who have experienced true love. As most of us have seen and even experienced ourselves, even some of the most loving, stable couples can drift apart over time or have sudden falling-outs resulting from the end of the relationship. Real love is like any other emotion in sentiment in our lives — while some feelings and experiences can remain stable long term, much of our experience is ever-fluctuating, subject to change depending on our life experiences.
For many people, however, true love can last a long time and can last until death. Everlasting love is not necessarily a bad thing to desire – it is just not the most realistic prospect.
Who falls in love faster?
Studies often show that men experience feelings of love faster than women, even though our culture tends to imagine women as hopeless romantics. However, it all depends on the individual, their preferences, and their past experiences; just because someone is a woman does not mean she will necessarily always fall for someone slower, and just because someone is a man, it does not necessarily mean he will always throw caution to the wind with his emotions.
How do you know he is your soulmate?
Your soulmate is someone who:
- Respects you
- Has seen you at your most vulnerable and flawed, and even now still accepts you
- Has seen you manage a crisis and supported you throughout
- Has a personality that you genuinely enjoy and makes you happy
- He loves you even when he does not like you
- It has taken time to get to know you, even the most difficult parts
- Sees the same future as you
- Has similar goals as you
- Wants the same things out of the relationship as you
- Is a source of consistency and peace in your life
- Communicates with you openly, honestly, and effectively
How do you know when it’s real and true love?
When you really love someone, that means you have been through the difficult parts with them as well. You are aware of each other’s flaws, but you have gotten past those bad fights and decided to accept each other. When we are first dating, we are looking for someone we like, and we almost wait for them to impress us and make themselves stand out from the rest of the dating pool. But something happens after a love crisis when you stop asking yourself how your partner can impress you and instead start worrying about what you can do to make them happy.
Is love real or just an illusion?
Love is a real feeling. It’s not an illusion, but, understandably, you may think it is. When you love someone and you break up, it may feel like the relationship never happened. The same intensity of feelings fades with time. But, the connection was real. You fell for another person, and it was a beautiful experience. It hurts when it’s gone, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And you will find love again. When you feel that you’re loved, it is one of the most wonderful sensations. It’s the real deal. It’s not an illusion. Romantic love connects people. There is nothing more wonderful than feeling entwined with another human being. It’s not an allusion when you feel that you’re loved. When two people genuinely understand each other and connect on a deep level, that is a wonderful sensation. There are many different types of love. The romantic kind, the kind that comes with friendship, and the family associated with it. These are all valid types of love. They involve people demonstrating their feelings for one another and being loyal. The love that lasts through time involves two people who try to make the relationship work. These individuals want to care for one another. Love means being genuine with another person. It’s about showing your true self. Love means accepting one another. It is not an illusion. It’s the real deal.
Is love real scientifically?
There have been many scientific research studies on love. They show that people need this feeling in their lives to be happy. It doesn’t mean that you need to be in a romantic relationship to feel loved. There are many ways to experience emotion. Science shows us that love is essential to our existence as people. Many people love it. When you experience these feelings, you want them more and more. It can be like an addiction. Once you feel that euphoria of being loved, you crave it. According to science, chemicals like dopamine release into the brain when you are around someone who loves you. Your mind wants this happy chemical. If you love love, you crave it. You actively seek out people who will adore you. When you love love, you may not focus on finding someone who gets you, but rather a person who will pay you attention. That’s not the same as seeking someone who will give true love. You’re craving that attention and chemical reaction in the brain. Dopamine is released when you give love and receive it. Science shows us that these are real feelings.
Is love a real feeling?
Love is a real feeling. You do not imagine it when you are inexplicably drawn to someone. There are scientific components to love, such as chemicals and pheromones. For example, you could crave to be around another person because of how they smell. But, the emotions are real. It ignites when you’re around someone who appreciates you and understands who you are. Unconditional love means that no matter what happens, you vow to love one another. It’s loyalty that two people promise to each other. For love to grow, you need to commit to being loyal to another person. It’s based on trust and understanding.
Some people confuse love and sex. You might think you love someone because of being sexually involved with them. That’s related to the chemicals that are produced in the brain after being sexual with a partner. “Sex love” isn’t the same as the genuine emotion you feel when you get to know someone on a deep level. You’re experiencing physical pleasure and a connection with someone. But “sex love” is more about connecting physically than emotionally. If you are wondering if true love exists, try seeking out someone who gets you. It’s worth being vulnerable to connect with another person. You may be convinced that true love exists when you meet the right person. You have the right to find someone who makes you feel loved. When you find a person who is open and willing to see you for who you are, they can love you.
Is love a fake emotion?
Love is not a fake emotion. It’s genuine and a crucial part of life. It enriches your life and shows you that other people see you. Feeling love is a beautiful part of the human experience. Your body and soul feel alive. It’s a powerful thing to believe true love exists. It means you have faith in humanity. If you give true love, you are more likely to receive it. You have to be willing to put yourself out there. Maybe you go on a dating site or ask a friend to set you up with someone. Perhaps you meet someone randomly at a coffee shop, and before you know it, you realize love happened upon you. It wasn’t intentional, and you weren’t looking for someone. Love happened to be waiting for you, and you found it. You’re lucky that you discovered someone who adores you. The person you love may not have expected it either: They were getting a coffee and didn’t know they would find you. Love was very easy to find because you weren’t looking.
When you open yourself up, you will be surprised at who you find. You will love people, and you may get heartbroken. That’s a natural part of life. But then you love people and discover that they reciprocate your care. It’s all a part of being human. You will find a person who you can love. Don’t give up on true love. You may feel like the search is hopeless. Maybe you’ve been disappointed in the past. Perhaps someone broke your heart, and you’re afraid to open up again. That’s a natural feeling. But there is hope, and you will love someone again. You were able to be in love before, so it’s possible to find another person who deeply cares for you. When you believe in it, it is possible.
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