What Can You Do When You’re Feeling Used In A Relationship?

Relationships require a team effort. Both partners create a balance that is essential to growing the relationship. So, when one feels used by the other, it may signal something is amiss. You may feel hurt, shamed, or unappreciated. Giving your partner a helping hand is one thing, but when it becomes a regular thing, it may be time to reassess your situation. A relationship is built upon maintaining strong ties between both partners who are willing to help each other equally. When there’s an imbalance in the relationship, it can create serious issues and lead to a variety of negative emotions and outcomes.

What to do when you’re feeling used

If you’re feeling used in your relationship, there are steps you can take to put yourself in a position to take appropriate action. Assessing your situation and taking stock of your emotions can help you move toward a favorable outcome. Try taking action through the following suggestions:

Know your worth

When others take advantage, your self-worth may be defined by what you can do for them. You can take your power back into your own hands by not allowing yourself to be defined by others. Rather than basing your self-esteem off of what you can do for your partner, remember that you have intrinsic value just by existing. Work on improving your self-worth, and you may have an easier time saying ‘no’ and setting boundaries in the relationship.

Be confident in yourself

Learn to build self-confidence and love yourself. Doing this can help you stay connected to the things you love that make you who you are. When engaging in activities you enjoy most, they can build your confidence and give you a sense of purpose. Rather than finding your purpose solely in the relationship, you can find it in other things that make you happy as well. 

Assess the dynamics of the relationship

Communication can be vital in any relationship, so try not to shy away from important conversations. Engage in productive conversations with your partner and let them know which dynamics of the relationship seem unhealthy. Talk about each other’s emotions and actions and how you can each do things differently to promote healthier behaviors. Try to use a calm tone during the discussion to avoid an argument. Opening up to your partner may be scary, but it can also greatly improve the relationship.

There are two sides to feeling used

There are several reasons why a partner may feel used in their relationship. The two sides of the problem include assessing the role of your partner and yourself in the relationship. When considering your partner, are there things about them that stand out and contribute to your feelings of being used? "I feel like a piece of meat" is a pretty common term used to describe someone who feels useful just for their physical attributes. If you're feeling this way, it may be time to address your underlying concerns. 

Sometimes, you and your partner’s priorities may be different, affecting the level of motivation or time you devote to an issue or even to one another in general. Perhaps your partner is more self-centered and puts their needs first over others. Maybe they have a busy work schedule that doesn’t allow them as much free time to invest in the relationship. Maybe they’re more introverted and require more time alone than you do as an extrovert. It can be important to practice open communication when you’re feeling used to see if there may be another more rational explanation for your feelings as well as your partner’s behavior. Often, there is more to the story than meets the eye.

Red flags that signal you’re being used

Doing things for each other is just one benefit of a healthy relationship. If you run an errand for your partner or help with a project, it’s likely they’re willing to do something similar for you. There is nothing wrong with having reasonable expectations of your partner when you need help with something. However, an imbalance of helping each other can leave one considering the possibility of being used. When you’re feeling used, you may experience the following: 

• Feeling uncomfortable around your partner. This feeling often comes from personal anxiety because you expect that your partner is going to ask you to do something you don’t want to.
• Feeling afraid to say no. Some partners have a subtle way of working around a partner that tries to reject their demands. Sometimes a partner tries to make the other feel bad on purpose if they don’t help them out.
• Feeling emotionally led on. Your partner may only act kindly toward you when seeking a favor but otherwise doesn’t pay much attention to you or your needs. In other words, a partner may only play nice when they want something in return.

• Feeling guilty when something didn’t meet their standards. You may feel bad about not doing something for them. A partner can make you feel this way to get you to do things for them.
• Feeling resentment. Over time, you may develop feelings of resentment when you feel disrespected or treated unfairly.
• Feeling as if your needs are not important. Your needs might not be getting met because you’re too busy meeting the needs of your partner and lose out on time for yourself.

Your partner may expect you to do favors for them but won’t bother doing them for you in return. Sometimes such inclinations can lead your partner to get ahead in their life career-wise or financially. If your partner isn’t returning favors, there may be a relationship imbalance that you can no longer ignore. 

Could you be contributing to the problem?

People feeling used by their partner could have set themselves up for it without realizing it. A person who lacks boundaries or doesn’t know how to put their foot down and say “no” could make it easier for a partner to take advantage of them. In this case, a partner may do things they don’t want to do to keep their partner satisfied because they are afraid of getting a negative response if they say no. Sometimes a partner may think they won’t be loved as much if they set a boundary to keep themselves happy and healthy.

Communication issues can contribute to feeling used as well. A partner may have expectations that don’t match the expectations their significant other may have for the relationship. Sometimes such expectations are influenced by previous relationships or how your parents behaved when you were a child. A person may do things their partner didn’t ask them to do because they assume they should do it anyway. At this point, this partner may be guessing what they should be doing instead of talking things out.

Simply overdoing it by doing too much is another reason why a person might feel used in a relationship. A person may do things thinking they have to earn someone’s love, which is different from doing things out of love. When partners are on the same page, they may do things motivated by their love for each other. A person may think that the more they give and do, the more they will receive a certain amount of respect. When it is not received, however, the love felt for their partner may decrease. Some get caught up in a cycle consisting of doing more things to get love but find that the love they have for their partner diminishes time and time again. 

Sometimes a person may feel used by people outside of their relationship, such as family or friends, on top of feeling used by their partner. This may indicate an underlying issue that needs to be dealt with that is preventing you from understanding how the pattern of being used got started. Such a hindrance may sabotage your happiness and success in different areas of your life. Seeking help for this concern can improve your personal relationships while helping to see yourself in a new light.

If the relationship is getting worse, can it be saved?

Feeling used isn’t easy to ignore, and it can be challenging trying to raise the issue with your partner. This, in the long run, may cause resentment. If you think the relationship is headed in the wrong direction, it can be crucial to communicate this to your partner. There is a possibility of saving the relationship, even if it’s getting worse, by openly communicating about the issues at hand.

When talking, try to be clear and positive to ensure both parties understand each other’s needs. Learning how to say “no” and cut back on enabling behaviors can help establish boundaries in the relationship. Saying “no” is an affirmative action that helps you stay within the boundaries set by you. You can ask for what you want from your partner in a way that encourages them to want to do more for you. Asking can help to reduce the amount of work you do while subtly initiating your partner to follow your lead. 

When partners care about each other, they are typically eager to work together to make the relationship better. If your partner doesn’t seem willing to make changes or disregards your feelings, it may cause you to rethink the relationship. Some people intentionally use others to see what they can get. They may have little interest in the relationship and are more concerned with material gains, getting a personal maid, sex, or some other benefit. When assessing your partner’s intentions, check to see if their actions line up with their words. If they say they love you but show otherwise, it may be a sign that you’re being used, and your partner may not have any intention of changing their behavior. In these cases, reassessing the relationship could be in order. 

Online counseling with Regain

It may be challenging to tackle relationship problems on your own. Confrontation can be frightening and knowing how to talk about sensitive issues with your partner can take time. Seeking professional support can help you regain control of the situation and allow you to make decisions for your benefit. Regain is an online platform that provides counseling for both individuals and couples alike. Couples counseling can allow you and your partner to look at the relationship from a different perspective and step into one another’s shoes by practicing empathy. Seeking mental health support might seem time-consuming, but online therapy can make getting the care you need simpler. You can use phone calls, video chats, or in-app messaging and meet at times that are convenient for you and your partner. You deserve a loving relationship with someone willing to give and do as much as you and online therapy can allow you to establish that type of bond with another person. 

The efficacy of online counseling 

Individuals who have been used in their relationship may struggle with feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem, which can lead to conditions like depression. Combating these emotions with online therapy has been shown to be effective. In one study, researchers discovered that internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) treated low self-esteem in a group of adolescents. Participants in the study also experienced higher levels of self-compassion and quality of life and fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression. CBT is a therapeutic framework that teaches people how to adopt thought patterns that are more positive and helpful.

Takeaway

Feeling used in a relationship can be disheartening. Rather than being transactional, healthy relationships rely on care, support, and love for one another. Taking the time to get to know a person on a deeper level and establishing healthy boundaries with them can help you avoid being taken advantage of. If you need help learning how to protect yourself in your relationships, confiding in a licensed online counselor could be beneficial. Healthy relationships can be a vital aspect of your happiness, and you deserve to get back just as much love and care as you give out.