How To Improve Communication In A Relationship

Healthy communication is an important element of emotionally satisfying relationships. However, many couples develop unhealthy communication strategies over time, including criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If you want to improve the way you and your partner talk to each other, you can try using I-language, emphasizing the things you like about them, accepting accountability for your actions, apologizing when you hurt their feelings, and taking time-outs when you need them. A couple’s therapist can provide tailored insight, exercises, and advice to help further strengthen your communication skills.

Signs of unhealthy communication

Effective communication is a often considered a bedrock of healthy relationships, allowing partners to communicate their feelings, navigate conflict, express their needs, and deepen their connection. Poor communication strategies, in contrast, can build toxic relationships with reduced trust and higher levels of defensiveness and/or avoidance. 

Dr. John Gottman developed the concept of the “Four Horsemen” of communication that predict relationship dissolvement. The Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If your relationship routinely engages in these communication styles, it may be time to make some changes:

Criticism

Instead of communicating thoughts or feelings through complaints, criticism relies on absolute statements intended to attack the center of the partner’s identity. 

An example of a criticism is: 

• “You really can’t put your clothes in the laundry basket? You rely on me to pick up after you because you’re that lazy and selfish, not because you’re distracted.” 

Contempt

Sarcasm, mocking, disrespect, eye-rolling, name-calling, and ridicule are all hallmarks of contempt. Contempt is often an escalation of criticism, establishing a condescending and superior tone towards a partner. 

An example of verbal contempt is: 

• “Wow, you think you’re the one who needs a break? I’m the one who’s been working all day long, and then you expect me to come home and take care of your needs? What is wrong with you? I thought I was marrying an adult, I guess I was wrong.” 

According to research conducted in 1993 and 1994, contempt is the largest predictor of marital divorce. 

Defensiveness

When someone is criticized, they often respond with defensiveness. Defensiveness can include denying responsibility, manipulating the situation, and misdirecting blame back at the criticizer. Sometimes, defensiveness can turn into gaslighting, which is often present in emotionally abusive relationships.  

An example of a defensive answer is: 

• Question: “Hey, did you set up the playdates for the kids this weekend like I asked you to?” 
• Defensive answer: “You know I had a big meeting to prepare for today, and besides, you never gave me their parent’s contact info. Why didn’t you just do it when you were free this morning?” 

This answer does not accept accountability or accept any fault, and instead redirects blame onto the other partner. Oftentimes, defensiveness is utilized to hide from exposure to insecurities, but it’s harmful in routine communication because it denies resolution, compromise, and the experience of your partner. 

Stonewalling

The final horseman is often a response to contempt, involving disengagement and withdrawal. This evasive technique is characterized by: 

• Ignoring what a partner is saying
• Physically walking away during a discussion
• Redirecting conversations
• Not answering questions
• Pretending to be busy with something else
• Using nonverbal cues to disengage (such as avoiding eye contact or looking at a phone)
• Shutting down 
• Dismissing a partner’s concerns

Sometimes, stonewalling is used intentionally to avoid conflict, but other times, emotional overload can cause people to unintentionally shut down or freeze.

How to improve communication

Even if criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling is present in your relationship, there are things that you can do to establish healthier communication strategies. 

Understand what your partner needs

Healthy romantic relationships satisfy emotional needs, including affection, acceptance, validation, autonomy, security, trust, empathy, prioritization, and connection. When you and your partner are in conflict, it can be helpful to remember that the point of communication is feeling seen, heard, valued, and understood. Constructive communication is never about being right or wrong. 

You can incorporate the following tips to let your partner know that you see them: 

• Actively listen while they’re talking.
• Don’t interrupt them.
• Ask questions if you’re confused.
• Empathize with their experience. 
• Try to consider their perspective and how your actions make them feel. 
• Use body language that expresses openness and trust, rather than defensiveness. 
• When appropriate, consider holding their hand or embracing them. 
• Summarize and repeat their concerns to confirm that you understand them. 
• Know that saying, “I understand your perspective” does not have to mean “I agree with you.” 

Use I-language

I-language centers how actions make you feel, rather than placing blame. For example, rather than saying something accusatory like, “You never clean up after yourself,” you could say, “I understand that you’re busy, but when the house gets messy, I feel overwhelmed.” A study from 2018 found that I-language like this, which incorporates the perspective of both you and your partner, is the best format for reducing conflict and hostility. 

Communicate the positives

Communicating things that you love about your partner at the beginning of a conversation can help put them at ease and make you both more receptive for a productive discussion. Focus on expressing what you love, respect, and are grateful for. 

For example, if you want to encourage your partner to share their feelings, you could say, “I love it when you share how you’re feeling, I know it can be challenging to let yourself be vulnerable, and it makes me feel so close and connected to you.” 

Keep the back and forth 

Keep your communication short and concise so your partner doesn’t become overwhelmed and feel the need to interrupt your statements. You and your partner can establish rules for the speaker and the listener, such as: 

• The speaker expresses their thoughts and feelings without guessing how their partner feels. 
• The speaker uses I-language. 
• The speaker keeps sentences short and concise.
• The speaker pauses between statements to let the listener paraphrase what they said and ask clarifying questions. 
• The listener doesn’t argue or negate the feelings of the speaker. 
• The listener listens actively and does not interrupt the speaker.
• After the speaker has expressed their point of view, they switch roles with the listener.  

Accept accountability 

Your actions have an impact on your partner, whether you intend them to or not. Acknowledging their prospective can help you both move on. And, when you do make mistakes, it’s important to: 

• Provide a genuine apology. 
• Be honest with yourself about your mistakes. 
• Take actions to repair your mistakes. 
• Think about how you can avoid repeating them.  
• Don’t redirect blame back at your partner. 

Use self-soothing techniques 

Sometimes, conflict can stir up intense emotions, which may make it difficult to regulate your emotions, act rationally, or take your partner’s feelings into consideration. The following may indicate that the conversation has triggered your body’s fight, fight, freeze response: 

• Crying
• Clenched fists or jaw
• Glaring
• Feeling as though you may erupt with anger
• Numbness
• Feeling stiff
• Shortness of breath
• Racing or slowed heart rate 
• Restlessness 
• Eyes darting 
• Pupils dilated
• Clammy hands 
• Feeling trapped

If you notice any of those signs and symptoms, it may be time to take a break from the conversation to practice some self-soothing. Let your partner know that you’re feeling overwhelmed and tell them how much time you need to calm down before you can return to the conversation. Then, try: 

• Deep breathing exercises
• Journaling about your feelings
• Listening to calming music
• Going for a walk
• Having a warm cup of tea
• Petting your dog or cat
• Taking a hot shower
• Lighting a candle
• Practicing meditation or mindfulness
• Hugging your partner or yourself 
• Engaging in yoga

Self-soothing techniques can help your body return to a normal state of functioning and alleviate the flight-fight-freeze response. Once your symptoms have subsided, you may notice that you’re able to think more clearly and engage in more productive conversations with your partner. 

Try couple’s therapy

If you and your partner are finding it difficult to address communication challenges on your own, it may be helpful to reach out to a couple’s therapist. While in-person couple’s therapy can be effective, some studies find that couple’s may feel more comfortable sharing their feelings when they are physically distant from their therapist, making online therapy more appealing. Research from 2022 shows that online licensed couple’s therapy, which is offered on platforms like Regain, can be just as effective as in-person therapy at improving relationship satisfaction and mental health. 

Effective couple’s therapy requires the willingness of both partners, but it’s okay if your partner is not comfortable trying couple’s therapy. Human beings often reciprocate the communication styles of their partners during conflict, a tendency that psychologists call, “norms of reciprocity. ” If you learn to approach discussions from a calm and empathetic place, your partner is less likely to engage in hostility in return. 

Takeaway

The presence of unhealthy communication strategies, such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, can reliably predict the dissolvement of relationships. However, even if the so-called “four horsemen” are present in your relationship, there are steps you can take to improve your communication with your partner. For example, you can practice using I-language, emphasizing the positives, engaging in active listening, accepting accountability, and taking breaks from intense conversations when needed. If you want some help along the way, you can reach out to a licensed therapist. Online couple’s therapy can improve relationship satisfaction and establish a safe space for vulnerability.