Are You Bicurious Or Something More? Four Bisexuality Signs You May Be Overlooking
Exploring sexuality is a normal, natural, and healthy thing to do. Whether you are straight or fall somewhere on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, it's beneficial to explore your sexuality and discover what you like and don't. Learning more about our sexuality may reveal things about ourselves in other areas of our lives, too.
Since we live in a heteronormative society, some people may not realize for many years that they fall on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum until adulthood. It can be confusing to discover that your sexual and romantic orientation is not what you assumed it was.
Bisexuality may be even more confusing because the attraction (whether romantic, sexual, or both) can be towards two or more different genders. Since it is not as clean-cut as "I am attracted to men (or women)," frequently, someone who is bisexual may go on a journey of discovery exploring different sexual identities, such as strictly gay or straight.
The most common confusion for people who eventually identify as bisexual is determining if they’re bicurious or if it’s something more. The terms are often considered interrelated, but they are different in some ways.
Am I bicurious or bisexual?
Bisexuality is the attraction to people of the same gender as yourself and at least one other gender. It differs from bicurious. Bicurious is when someone is typically attracted to one different gender from themselves yet has fantasies and curiosity about what it would be like to be with someone of the same gender. Being bicurious is not a prerequisite to discovering you are bisexual. Additionally, someone who is bicurious may not be bisexual at all. Someone who is bisexual may never go through a bicurious phase since sexuality is fluid and can change over time.
How do I know?
Bicurious people may have questions about their sexuality. If this is you, you may wonder if you are bisexual and not simply bicurious. While there is no simple test to prove your sexual and romantic orientation, there may be signs in your life that you want to consider as you think about and explore your sexuality.
Ultimately, your orientation should feel comfortable to you. You are not required to embrace any specific label you are uncomfortable taking on. You have the right to define yourself however you choose, even if that definition changes over time.
Here are some things that can help you think about the possibility of being bisexual (as opposed to bicurious).
Attraction
The first and most apparent clue is your attraction. Are you sexually and romantically attracted to people of the opposite gender? Or do you find yourself with sexual or romantic feelings for another gender as well? Attraction can make itself known in a few ways. One way is through feelings of jealousy. Are you jealous when someone you know is with someone else? Your jealousy can be a sign that you are attracted to this person, regardless of their gender.
Jealousy is different from not liking the other person's choice of partner. Jealousy is the feeling that you wish you were with the person instead of someone else. There are healthy ways to cope with jealousy, and while you are responsible for how you act because of your jealousy, the feeling itself can be a clue that you are attracted to this person.
Another way attraction shows up is through time spent together. Are you drawn to this person, wanting to be around them all the time, possibly foregoing other social engagements or friends for their company? This can be a sign that you are attracted to them as more than a friend.
Do you want to do things for them and give them unique gifts? These can also be signs of attraction. If you feel you may be attracted to someone you know, it is worth exploring those feelings internally, being honest with yourself, and not being afraid of where those feelings may lead you.
Action
Have you ever been intimate with someone of the same gender but still are intimate with others of another gender? Intimacy with the same gender may be passed off as experimentation or a phase, but there is likely a reason you chose to explore that experience. Pay attention to your reaction to the experience. If you felt it was good and would like to do something like that again, you may want to explore those feelings. It could mean you are bisexual. If you didn't enjoy the experience or feel like it isn't something you would like to repeat, that is ok. If the experience left you feeling confused, that is ok as well.
Bisexuality is more than simply actions; it is attraction, sexual, romantically, or both. No intimate act defines you as bisexual or not. You are not bisexual simply because you kissed someone of the same gender once, then continued being physically close with people of the gender you are usually attracted to.
Fantasy
Pay attention to your fantasies. Do you daydream about people of another gender and people of the same gender? There is a reason both kinds of people are popping into your thoughts. It may be worth exploring those fantasies as you explore your sexual and romantic feelings.
Not all fantasies need to be sexual. Do you daydream about having a family and imagining your partner at different times as people of different genders? Can you see yourself dating people of the same gender as the one you identify with, as well as other genders? These thoughts are perfectly healthy and normal. Thoughts like these can also be a clue that you may be bisexual.
Fit
Does the word bisexual feel good when you apply it to yourself? If the word seems right or wrong to you, explore your feelings further. Once you understand what bisexuality means, do you want to apply the term to yourself? Maybe it is appropriate to tell people you are attracted to multiple genders. Perhaps it feels right because you find yourself drawn to the same gender as yourself and another gender.
Whatever the reason, if the word fits, use it. If it doesn't feel right, feel free to use another word that is more applicable to how you feel about your sexuality. Sexual and romantic identities don't have to have a label.
Being in a relationship
What if you are already in a relationship and discover you may be bisexual? Staying in a relationship doesn't take away from your bisexuality, whether it be a relationship with the same gender or a different one. Bisexuality is an attraction, not an action. You can be in any relationship and still be bisexual.
With a newly discovered sexual and romantic identity, you may want to explore it by dating other people. If you desire to date other people, having a conversation about that with your partner is essential. An honest and open talk about where you are with your identity and your attractions can be better in the long run, even if it is a challenging discussion to have at the time. They may be okay with exploring this new side of your identity in an open relationship.
Explore your sexuality in online therapy
Discovering you may be bisexual can be disorienting. When you are ready, you can work on embracing this newfound aspect of your identity and act to integrate it with your whole self. This can be even more challenging if you’re already in a relationship.
Many people choose to speak with a professional specializing in sex, intimacy, and relationships in this or similar situations. Through online platforms like Regain, therapists are available to coach couples and counsel individuals on exploring, establishing, and accepting the changes that some encounter around issues of sexuality. A relationship therapist can help you and your partner navigate what this aspect of your identity means for the relationship. The therapist can assist you in having an open dialogue with your partner and give you both tools to address and live with your bisexuality in healthy ways.
Online therapy is often a better option than conventional therapy because of its convenience, accessibility, and discretion. You can attend appointments with a Regain counselor at your convenience from the safety of your home via online messaging, video chat, text, and phone. There’s no need to coordinate schedules or commute to and from an office during the middle of a busy work week.
Virtual therapy is also often more affordable than traditional therapy without insurance, and a growing amount of research indicates it’s effective for helping people navigate sexuality and relationships. For example, a 2019 article published by the American Psychological Association asserts that “sex therapists are optimistic about the development of telepsychology and web-based interventions” and that “digital interventions can build a bridge to people who have reservations about talking about sex in person.”
Takeaway
If you aren’t sure how to manage the changing nature of your sexuality or your sexual identity, you’re not alone; many people have the same challenges in the beginning. Contacting a Regain professional can help.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What is a bi-curious person?
A bi-curious person has an attraction to someone who has a gender different from the one they're attracted to. This bi-curiosity doesn’t necessarily have to be acted upon. Bi-curious people are exploring their sexuality and aren’t on the path to bisexuality, although this might be the case for some.
One usually thinks of a heterosexual person as bi-curious, but lesbian and gay people can also be bi-curious. Whoever is bi-curious is irrelevant. Bi-curiosity is a temporary state of exploring, but not necessarily acting upon, one’s sexuality with different genders they previously didn’t consider and seeing where it leads. Bi-curiosity can be either romantic or sexual or both.
On the other hand, the definition of bisexuality is someone who is attracted to multiple genders, including their own, and doesn’t consider their bisexuality as a temporary state.
What is a pansexual test?
A pansexual test determines, as much as a test can about one’s sexuality, whether a person is a pansexual or not. There are many such tests found on the web with varying differences among them. In the end, only a person can determine what their sexuality is and what term best defines it at that time, as sexuality can be fluid (change over time). Having said that, some core signs might signify if a person is pansexual, such as being attracted to all sexes, genders, or nonbinary people or being attracted to someone with little or no regard to that person’s sex or gender or whether they’re nonbinary.
What does pansexual mean?
Pansexual means, as mentioned in answer to the previous question, someone who is attracted to all genders, sexualities, or nonbinary people or are attracted to people with little or no regard to gender or sexuality or whether a person is nonbinary. Although one does not need to label their sexuality, sometimes a label can help define a person’s lived experience. If someone feels that the label “pansexual” fits for them, this can be a way for them to identify their sexual orientation and connect with other people who also identify.
“Pansexual” does not mean the same as “bisexual.” The definition of bisexuality is about a person’s attraction to people of the same gender and two or more genders instead of being attracted to all genders, sexes, and nonbinary people. For example, a bisexual woman and a pansexual woman can be attracted to the same person, but they each define themselves as bisexual and pansexual. With regard to bisexuality, bisexual people can be attracted to cisgender people, including transgender people who identify with either cisgender and/or nonbinary people.
Research in New Zealand has found that participants identified as pansexual were liberal in their politics and younger than those identified as bisexual. Pansexual participants also experienced more psychological distress. This research also contributes to other research on plurisexuality, which is an attraction to multiple genders.
What are celebrities pansexual?
Some celebrities who identify as pansexual are Miley Cyrus, Bella Thorne, Asia Kate Dillon, Cara Delevingne, Brendon Urie, and Janelle Monáe. Monáe said that she had identified as bisexual until she read about pansexuality. Likewise, Thorne had identified as bisexual before identifying herself as pansexual. Others like Dillon and Urie haven’t mentioned identifying as bisexual first but rather as pansexual.
Can you say you to a non-binary person?
The pronoun “you” doesn’t subscribe to gender, so “you” is acceptable. For example, if you’re speaking to someone and you don’t want to assume where they fall on the gender spectrum or outside of it, you can ask, “Are you going to the party tonight?” However, if you’re going to ask if they are going to the party with someone else, then use that person’s name or if you both know who you’re talking about, use a gender-neutral pronoun. For example, “Are you going to the party with Kelly tonight?” Or, “Are you going to the party with them tonight?”
When in doubt, ask the person you’re talking to how they want to be referred to. Then follow through with what they have said. It’s okay if you slip and use a gendered pronoun. We live in a gendered culture, so getting used to using gender-neutral pronouns might take some time. When you make a mistake, correct yourself and move on. Even nonbinary people who use gender-neutral pronouns might make a mistake when referring to other people.
What are non-binary and pansexual?
Nonbinary refers to people who identify as either women or men or neither. In contrast, pansexual refers to people attracted to all genders, sexualities, or nonbinary people or are attracted to people with little or no regard to gender or sexuality or whether a person is nonbinary.
Nonbinary people can look like cis women or cis men, yet that doesn’t mean they identify. Nonbinary people reject the binary of man/woman or male/female. However, some nonbinary people identify with the gender they’ve been socially conditioned to or how their bodies look (female- or male-coded) while avoiding acknowledging a social system based on a binary.
When it comes to talking to or about or writing to or about nonbinary people, it’s important to keep in mind pronouns. Some nonbinary people don’t mind “she” or “he.” Other nonbinary people want you to use the gender-neutral pronoun “they.” So, how do you know what to use? Ask. If you don’t have an opportunity to ask, then default to “they,” “their,” and “them.” For example, Kelly Lonetree likes to go on long runs after work to relax and relieve the stress of the day.
Other pronouns that don’t divulge gender are “ze” (pronounced zee) as a subjective pronoun and “hir” or “zir” (pronounced here and zeer, respectively) as an objective pronoun. For example, Kelly Lonetree likes to go on long runs after work, so ze can relax and relieve the day's stress.
Nonbinary people can be pansexual or have any other sexual orientation. The term “nonbinary” can also mean something different than how other people who identify as nonbinary define the term.
How do I know if I am bisexual?
What are the stages of bisexuality?
What is the opposite of bisexuality?
When did bisexuality become common?
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