A List Of Affirmations To Help You Improve Your Relationship

By: Jessica E. Bennett

Updated July 29, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Maria Abada, LPC

When you’re struggling in a relationship with a partner, it can be hard to know what to do. Every situation is different, and so is every person. That can make it overwhelming. Yet, some things can be helpful in almost any situation. One of those things is affirmations.

Affirmations have been around for hundreds of years, used in both religious and secular contexts. There’s also a scientific body of evidence that supports their power in creating positive life changes. In this article, you’ll learn:

  • What affirmations are
  • The benefits of using affirmations
  • A list of affirmations to improve your relationship
  • How to create powerful affirmations of your own

Affirmations are a simple tool that you can use anywhere, and that won’t cost you anything. It may seem odd to use affirmations to improve your relationship, but your perspective plays a huge part in how you interact with your partner. Affirmations allow you to notice more of what your partner does right because that’s what you’re focused on.

Using affirmations in your relationship isn’t meant to be a way to “fix” what’s wrong with the other person. Instead, they’re meant to help you recognize the good in your partner and put you in a better state of mind so you can show up for your relationship. The list of affirmations in this blog post will help you grow in your relationship, whether you decide to grow with your partner or whether you decide you would be better off with someone else.

What Are Affirmations?

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An affirmation is a statement or proposition that is declared to be true. To affirm is literally in the word. To affirm something means to state or assert positively and maintain it as true. In other words, an affirmation is a phrase that you say with confidence that it’s true. That’s a key component of affirmations to remember. If you don’t believe your affirmation could be true, then it won’t be effective. You have to at least believe in the possibility.

Since we’re talking about affirmations, we also have to talk about mantras. Mainly used in the Buddhist and Hindu traditions, mantras are repeated words, formulas, or phrases that are often true statements. A lot of traditional mantras are in Sanskrit, which is an Indo-European language.

When you repeat an affirmation over and over again, it could be considered a mantra. So there’s not much difference between the two. The only time an affirmation isn’t considered a mantra is when the statement isn’t repeated. If you have positive self-talk, but each phrase is different, those would be affirmations, but not mantras.

What Are The Benefits Of Using Affirmations?

Whether your relationship is great and you want to make it a little better, or you’re in a constant state of conflict and need help, affirmations can help. They have a long history because they work when used properly. Here are some of the reasons affirmations will help your relationship and use in other areas of your life.

Feeling Grateful

You’ve probably heard before how wonderful gratitude can be for overall health, well-being and happiness. No matter where you are in your relationship, you can find something to be grateful for. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out in the end, you can be grateful for the lessons you learned through the experience.

Some affirmations can have gratitude weaved directly into them. You can create an affirmation that is a statement confirming something you’re grateful for about your partner. An example might be, “I love when my partner listens to me.”

You also might discover that by focusing on what you want your relationship to be like, you notice more of the positive traits your partner already has. Then, you’ll start to feel a sense of gratitude for having them in your life. This positive domino effect also weaves into the next benefit of affirmations.

Noticing More Positive Aspects Of Your Relationship

Affirmations help you notice more of the positive things that happen in your relationship because it’s what you’re focused on. If you’re constantly focused on what your partner did wrong, that’s what you’re going to notice more of. If all you think about is how messy your partner is, you’ll notice the dirty dishes, the clothes they leave on the floor, etc. Changing the focus to the things you love about them will help you move beyond constant conflict.

This doesn’t mean avoiding problems. Instead, it’s a way not to have problems in the first place. When you’re keeping track of the great character traits your partner has, rather than their flaws, you’ll be more forgiving when they do mess up. It also means that you’ll come from a more loving place when you have to resolve a conflict.

Having a different frame of mind will start to reflect you in your partner’s behavior. As you start to compliment your partner instead of criticizing them all the time, they’ll be able to let their guard down more and do the same for you.

It’s a win-win situation. When you show love, you’ll receive it in return. A 2010 study found that “participants who received a favor [as opposed to nothing] helped more and reported more gratitude.” This study shows that people who are given to will also give in return.

Reducing Defensiveness

Inevitably, your partner will push your buttons from time to time. It might be that they trigger one of your insecurities. Or you’re both in a negative pattern. Either way, you can use affirmations to make the situation better over time. Feeling less insecure may seem like it doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship, but it does in a roundabout way.

You may have heard the quote from Leo Buscaglia, famous author and motivational speaker: “To love others, we must first love ourselves.” When you put effort into your own well-being, it makes relationships stronger. Resilience on your part will make you less sensitive and better able to cope. You’ll also be less likely to fall into a negative pattern of conflict with your partner.

study from 2010 found that people who used affirmations before the incident (or before they’d processed the feedback) felt less defensive when faced with threatening feedback. In other words, using affirmations often can help you be more receptive to what your partner has to say, even when you disagree with them.

When we’re in a defensive mindset, we’re less likely to feel positive about feedback and more likely to lash out. This can cause relationship harm that was avoidable if we’d practiced bringing up our own well-being.

Providing Perspective When You (Or Your Partner) Have A Bad Day

If you’re already in a bad cycle, having a bad day can wreak havoc on your relationship. But if you’re in a good place when a bad day hits, it’s less likely to take all your relationship progress with it. When you focus on the good more often than the bad, it helps you realize that these bad days aren’t the norm or the end of the world.

There’s comfort in recognizing the bigger picture of how things are going. If they’re going well, a bad day won’t turn into a bad week. Isolated incidents of being hurt won’t lead to a cycle of hurt. Everyone makes mistakes, so it helps to remember what they’ve done right when those mistakes occur. By weathering each other’s storms and recognizing the good patterns they create, they also build trust.

Feeling Closer To Your Partner

When you trust your partner more, feel less defensive around them and notice all the great things about your relationship and your life in general, it’ll make you feel closer together. You won’t be harboring resentment, which gives them more space to be themselves.

Being able to open up with each other is so important to a relationship. A partner is supposed to be someone you can talk to no matter what. While you can’t force anyone to open up, you can create a positive environment by being open and less critical.

The List Of Affirmations:

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1. We’re Having Fun

This is a simple affirmation you can use anytime you’re feeling yourself entering a negative spiral. It’s perfect because it takes the stress out of the situation. It teaches you that you don’t have to be serious all the time. Live a little!

You’ll notice that it is “we” instead of “I” so that you can do it with your partner. A great example of when to use it is on a date night. Let’s say you’re on your way to an event or romantic dinner. You both probably intended to have a positive evening together, but then something comes up. It could be traffic or something the other person said.

Instead of letting it get to you, you decide to start saying this affirmation aloud. Your partner has agreed to join in when you use the affirmation. Before you know it, you’re both actually having fun!

If your partner thinks it’s stupid or won’t do it with you, you can always say it quietly to yourself: “I’m having fun.”

2. I Open Myself Fully To Give And Receive Love

This one comes from Katherine Woodward Thomas’s book, Calling In “The One.” She combines it with a heart-opening exercise from yoga instructor Gurmukh. It’s a good reminder that affirmations are meant to be a supplement to your actions.

Here’s a shortened version of the exercise:

Sit comfortably, as if you’re about to meditate. Close your eyes and bring your arms out in front of you, parallel to the ground. Your palms should be touching. When you breathe in, open your arms and stretch them as far back as you can. Keep them parallel to the floor. Imagine as you bring your arms out wide and fill your lungs that your heart is expanding. Say the affirmation as you do so. When you exhale, bring your arms around, so your palms are touching. Breathe in, open your arms wide again, repeating the affirmation and envisioning your heart expanding. Repeat this as many times as you need to.

Adding an affirmation to action or visualization, like symbolically opening your heart, feels more real. The more you believe in your affirmations, the more power they will have. Over time, you’ll also create new pathways in your brain that correspond to this affirmation. You’ll be connecting a physical action, the sound of the words or your breath, and the emotions you feel during this exercise. That way, it has a better chance of influencing your subconscious mind.

3. I Am Worthy Of Love And Belonging

Unless you believe in your own worthiness of love and belonging, no one will be able to give it to you. The first step to accepting love is knowing that you’re worth it.

In her research, Brené Brown discovered that people who believe (and live) this statement also have the most:

  • well-being
  • capacity for vulnerability
  • shame resilience
  • courage

With loneliness on the rise, feeling connected is more important than ever. Feeling worthy of love and belonging is the first step to being connected.

Not only will living this affirmation boost your self-esteem, but it’s also open-ended. If you realize your relationship isn’t serving you after using this affirmation for a while, it permits you to get out. Affirmations are not meant to be a bandage over a broken bone. Instead, they’re a way for you to grow and realize that you’re worth it.

If you’re in an abusive relationship or find that you’re just not compatible with your partner, permit yourself to get out.

4. I Only Attract Healthy, Loving Relationships

This one is also related to the one above. Realize that you’re worthy of love, and you won’t accept anything less. This isn’t about having standards that are too high. It’s about knowing that you deserve to be treated with respect and love.

If you’re dealing with an abusive relationship or fears from a past relationship, then it might be time to seek help from an expert. You aren’t alone in this. Working through tough emotions will be beneficial for your well-being and future relationships.

5. I am Connected To Everyone And Everything

This is another affirmation from Katherine Woodward Thomas’s book. While it’s so valuable to have a partner who cares for you, they’re not the only relationship in your life. Strengthen your ties to your family, friends, and the planet, in general, will help you feel better about yourself and your relationship.

One person can’t fix all your life problems. You should also have other people in your life that you can lean on. When we feel lonely, it can seem like no one cares about us when that’s far from the truth. Open yourself up to the idea that help is there if you need it. You’re connected to others, and they’re connected to you. It might sound mushy, but it’s a good frame of mind to have.

Make Your Own Affirmations In 5 Simple Steps

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There are a few things to keep in mind when crafting your own affirmations. As long as you follow these guidelines, you can get as creative as you want.

Affirmations should be:

  • present tense
  • first person (ex. I am, I have, I love)
  • focused on the (positive) desired outcome
  • emotionally charged (you feel something when you say/read them)
  • believable to you

Create and use affirmations written as if what you want for your relationship is happening right now to you. Feel what that feels like and believe it. As Jennice Vilhauer, Ph.D., points out in Think Forward to Thrive, sometimes people make too big of a leap when they’re creating their affirmations.

If a limiting belief you have about your relationship is: “My partner never listens to me,” you don’t want to make an affirmation that is the exact opposite of that. In this case, the opposite would be, “My partner listens to me all the time.” It’s too unbelievable for how you’re feeling right now. Instead, go for something in the middle. For this example, one might say, “My partner listens to me sometimes,” or “My partner listens to me when I ask them to.”

When you choose affirmations that you can believe in, it makes them more powerful. It’s disheartening to use an affirmation that you don’t believe in. So with that in mind, here are the six simple steps you need to create affirmations that will work for your relationship.

Step One: What’s The Problem?

It can be easier to know what you want if you first discover what it is you don’t want—Mull over all the things that are bothering you about your relationship. You can even take it a step further and ask yourself: Do I feel this way in my other relationships too?

Once you have a shortlist, choose one thing you feel would make the biggest positive impact on your life and relationship. Don’t spend too much time ruminating on it. Move onto the next step as soon as you have something picked out.

Step Two: What Do You Want Instead?

This is where you decide how you want to feel and what you want to happen instead of the challenge you’re currently facing. Affirmations should always be positive statements. Start by figuring out what the opposite of your problem is.

As an example, let’s say you want to be less jealous of your partner. Instead of saying, “I never feel jealous of my partner,” you’d flip it. “I trust my partner and our relationship.” If you have something negative in your affirmation, like jealousy, it will focus on what you really want, which is to trust your partner and feel confident in your relationship.

Then, take the phrase or basic idea you want to create and make it believable.

You can do that by adding a qualifier, like:

  • sometimes
  • most of the time
  • often
  • usually
  • occasionally

Qualifiers make an affirmation more believable. If someone were to say, “I eat with my partner during every meal,” you might not believe them. Do they really eat lunch together every day? Instead, you’d be more likely to believe them if they said, “I eat breakfast with my partner almost every day.” This is more realistic and more likely.

The same goes for you when you’re making your affirmations. Choose an affirmation that you can believe in. Affirmations you don’t believe in won’t be able to change your frame of mind. Nor will they work in your subconscious.

Step Three: Put It In The Present Tense And First-Person

Now that you have the basic idea for your affirmation make sure it’s in the present tense. That means, act as if it’s happening right now. Avoid statements that depend on something happening in the future. Putting them in the present tense helps you notice evidence of it happening in the here and now. If you’re waiting for a specific future outcome, you can miss good things that are already in your life.

Also, put affirmations in the first person. That puts it in your point of view. Here are a few examples:

  • I feel loved.
  • I enjoy spending time with *your partner’s name here* often.
  • My relationships make me feel safe and relaxed.

I, me, my, are all first-person pronouns. If you’d like to create an affirmation with your partner, you can use “we” or “our” instead.

Step Four: How Does It Make You Feel?

You can take this one step further and use visualizations. It’ll bring your affirmations up a notch by bringing in all of your senses. Ask yourself: What would it be like if what I wanted were happening right now?

  • How would you feel?
  • How would you act?
  • Would you dress differently?
  • Would you treat other people differently?
  • Would other people act/treat you differently?

It’s unnecessary to get invested in a specific outcome, but it can help you start acting as if your affirmation is already true. The most important part is that you answer the first question about how the desired outcome would make you feel and try to feel that way whenever you say your affirmation.

At this point, you should have a rock-solid affirmation. Now, it’s time to put it to use.

Step Five: Rinse And Repeat

Spend some time soaking up and indulging in your affirmation. Repeat it to yourself as often as you can. You can speak it aloud, say it in your head or write it down. Adding repetition and emotion to your affirmations will make them more effective.

To avoid the excuse of, “oh, I’ll say my affirmation later,” choose a specific time every day to say it. Set a timer for 5-15 minutes and get started with that. It might help to do a short meditation beforehand or sit quietly for a minute so you can focus.

You can also make your affirmations into a habit to pair them with another activity. You could say them whenever you’re stopped at a red light. You could also say them in your head while you brush your teeth. Whatever works for you. It doesn’t matter whether you use an affirmation from the list or create your own, as long as you put it to work and use it.

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