Nine Emotional Manipulation Signs To Watch Out For When You’re In A Relationship

The APA defines manipulation as "behavior designed to exploit, control, or otherwise influence others to one's advantage." Emotional manipulation is a specific form of manipulation that refers to manipulating others by targeting people's emotions. 

If you are manipulated emotionally, the most important thing to remember is that it is not your fault. When someone manipulates another’s emotions, they may be doing it for several reasons - to gain control, to get what they want, or to avoid responsibility for their actions, for example. Emotional manipulators are usually very skilled at disguising their behaviors. Sometimes, they may hide it under the guise of care or concern. An emotional manipulator might manipulate another person by making them believe they aren't capable or cannot trust themselves. 

The ability to identify manipulation can help you avoid it or, at the very least, recognize it so that you can reduce the damage it causes. Below, you’ll find some common tactics that manipulators use to get what they want from their partners-- and what you can do to get help in an emotionally abusive relationship.

1. Refusal to accept responsibility

An emotional abuser will typically refuse to take responsibility for their actions or anything that their actions cause others to do or feel. Instead, they will turn the blame around to their partner or someone else. For example, they might claim to have been fired because their boss is unfair or doesn’t know what they’re doing. If their partner feels disrespected, a manipulator may argue that it’s because their partner disrespected them first. Regardless of what happens around them, a manipulator usually knows how to make it sound like they are the victim and make anyone else feel guilty.

2. Deny their own statements

Someone who is emotionally manipulative may make statements, comments, or even promises, and yet when they're “called out” on those things, they deny that they ever did in the first place. They can manipulate what others say to make it look like they’re lying, mistaken, or don’t remember what happened correctly. They can be so convincing that a manipulator may eventually deceive their partner into believing that they are the wrong one. 

3. They know how to exert guilt trips to their advantage

Guilt-tripping is a prominent skill of most emotional manipulators. They often know how to make their partner (or anyone else around them) feel bad about what they’ve said, done, or felt. They know how to paint themselves as the victim and make everyone else feel like they've done something wrong. When they do this, it's almost always to achieve some goal or benefit for themselves. When guilt-tripping is taken to more extreme levels, the target of the abuse is suddenly turned into “the villain” so convincingly that everyone—friends, family, coworkers—believes it.

4. They reduce your problems to overreactions

When the target of an emotional manipulator attempts to voice their feelings or draw attention to their behaviors, the manipulator may insist that they’re overreacting and that the behavior isn’t relevant. For example, a manipulator may say something cruel to their partner, then tell them they should “learn to take a joke” when it’s addressed. This not only casts doubt on the target’s judgment, but it can also be humiliating in front of others when it makes them look like a fool, or they have no sense of humor. This form of emotional manipulation is sometimes called “trivializing” and is a common tactic used in gaslighting.

5. They use passive-aggressive behavior to get their way

Passive aggressive behavior is another sign of emotional manipulation. A manipulator may make comments, jokes, and other types of statements in such a way as to convey a thinly veiled threat from those around them. Yet, the comments are still said in a way where the emotional abuser can use plausible deniability. They can pretend that they didn't mean anything by the comment, weren’t being serious, or that other people are just taking it the wrong way. 

6. They intimidate others with aggressive behavior and anger

If a manipulator can't use passive aggression to get their way, they may use outright aggressive behavior. These can include angry outbursts, shouting, and even full-blown “tantrums.” They may threaten violence or act aggressively to get others to obey and comply with their wishes. This type of behavior is meant to intimidate, and while it's overt, it often occurs after so much other manipulation that the target still feels as though they are somehow in the wrong. 

7. They prey on the insecure and the trusting

An emotional manipulator sometimes looks for people who’ve been in abusive relationships in the past or were raised in abusive households assuming that they’re insecure or overly trusting. They look for people who will likely give them multiple chances and then use that benefit of the doubt to exploit them. 

8. They act one way and speak another

An emotional manipulator may say all the right things, then walk away when it’s time to put their words into action. For example, making promises, then backing out, or pretending to be encouraging and supportive of their partner, yet sabotaging their success. This allows the emotional manipulator to flaunt their abilities—especially if they can upstage their target. 

9. They jump into relationships too quickly 

Manipulators often jump quickly into a relationship and coerce their target to follow suit. The reasons for this are typically twofold: to disorient them so they don’t have time to think about what’s really happening and to determine if the target of their abuse is likely to go along with it because they want the companionship so much that they’re willing to overlook the red flags. It’s an excellent tactic for a manipulator to trap someone into a relationship they may not have willingly entered if they had more time to think about it clearly.  

“Love bombing” is a common concept associated with this type of emotional manipulation. A love bomber will push the relationship forward too quickly but also gives excessive compliments, over-the-top gifts, and affection to make their targets feel dependent and indebted. 

Build skills to protect yourself from manipulation in online therapy

If you are in a relationship with a manipulator, understand you’re not alone. Research suggests that up to 80% of Americans have experienced emotional abuse like manipulation at some point. Typically, emotional manipulators know what they’re doing every step of the way during a relationship. Still, it’s important to recognize that some people use these tactics to get what they want from a partner without realizing it. In either case, if emotional abuse is left unaddressed, it can cause lasting emotional and psychological damage. 

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, it’s critical to get help from a mental health professional. A therapist can help you identify and understand the forms that emotional manipulation takes and develop coping skills to help you heal and move on. Suppose you’ve determined that your behavior is emotionally manipulative to others and would like to change. In that case, a therapist can give you the tools to implement real and lasting change in your behavior until you’re ready to participate safely in a relationship. 

With the rise of online therapy, more people than ever have a convenient and affordable treatment. Platforms like Regain match couples and individuals with licensed, experienced therapists who specialize in helping people overcome abuse and move forward healthily. You can book appointments with a Regain therapist when it’s convenient for your schedule and attend appointments anywhere with a reliable internet connection. You can speak to your counselor via text, phone, online chat, and video chat.

Online therapy is as effective as traditional therapy for a wide variety of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and trauma. A growing body of research also indicates that counseling for couples is as effective. For example, a recent review published in the National Library of Medicine reported that couples in teletherapy felt a greater sense of ease and control over their experience. The participants “found the experience to be positive and engaging, in spite of, and in many cases because of, connecting with the therapist through a computer screen.”

Takeaway

Abuse of any kind is unacceptable and should be addressed immediately. But it can be challenging to recognize the abuse and take action in cases of emotional manipulation. Contacting a mental health professional through Regain is the first step toward moving forward.