Five Ways To Manage Co-parenting With A Toxic Ex
Medically Reviewed By Karen Devlin, LPCSplitting up from an ex is challenging enough; however, this challenge is often exacerbated when children are involved. When two parties split up with one another, they generally have to engage in co-parenting. Certain people can work out amicable arrangements, whereas others have a more difficult time. The nature of the split or breakup can also greatly contribute to how well exes manage to get along with one another following a break-up. If you’ve found yourself in a situation where you have to co-parent with a toxic ex, there are certain details and bits of information that you need to be cognizant of.
The Best Interests Of The Children Always Come First
Whenever you’re co-parenting, the best interests of the children always have to come first and foremost. This is something that both parents need to be on board with; however, you cannot control your ex’s actions. Therefore, doing your best to ensure that your children are in the best possible position should be your utmost priority in any situation where you’re co-parenting. Keeping your children’s best interests in mind can also help allow you to maintain focus rather than getting lost in the weeds because of your ex.
The Basics
Despite the challenges which are bound to come along with interactions with a toxic ex, under no circumstances should you badmouth your ex in front of your children. This is one of the most fundamental principles of successful co-parenting. Your ex may be genuinely infuriating to deal with, but at the end of the day, they are still your children’s other parent. Your children deserve to have a healthy and loving relationship with both of their parents, regardless of anything that may have happened between you and your ex.
Obviously, if your exposes a genuine threat or danger to your children, this changes the situation, and the appropriate protective measures should be taken; however, if your ex’s toxicity is limited to how they interact with you, swallowing it and figuring out successful management strategies are ultimately the best courses of action to take.
Thankfully, there are a series of ways you can manage co-parenting with a toxic ex and make the process run as smoothly as possible.
How To Manage Successful Co-Parenting With A Toxic Ex
You cannot control the actions of your ex; however, you can control how you behave. This is what will ultimately allow you to manage the process of co-parenting with your ex, regardless of how toxic they may be. If your ex truly has the best interests of your children at heart, they will likely attempt to control themselves, at least somewhat, when the children are in their presence.
Be Willing To Listen To Your Ex
Believe it or not, listening to your ex can significantly deal with the management of co-parenting. Your ex may be a complete pain to deal with, but people tend to get even worse when they feel as though they’re not being listened to. Listening to your ex is not only good for the sake of smoothing out the co-parenting process, but your children will also benefit from seeing their parents behave as amicably as possible with one another. Respectfully listening to your ex is a great way of preventing further animosity between yourself and your ex; remember, the best interests of your children must always come first and above all.
Have A Reliable Support System
Co-parenting after a failed relationship is rarely easy, and the process can become exponentially more complicated when your ex happens to be a toxic individual. This is why having a reliable support system in your corner is so important. Whether that support system is comprised of friends, family, or all of the above, knowing that your loved ones have your back makes such an amazing difference.
If you’re feeling especially frustrated and want to vent, your adult support system (not your children) will be the best and most appropriate people to turn to. The ones who are closest to you can also provide feedback which contributes to gaining a new outlook.
Don’t Try To Compete With Your Ex.
Depending on how toxic your ex is, you may find yourself in a situation where you feel like they’re trying to compete with you. In many cases, this happens when an ex is still sore over the breakup, resentful about events that may have transpired, or otherwise trying to get back at you for one reason or another. As tempting as it may be to engage in this type of situation, it’s best not to do so. Remaining focused on being the best parent for your children and ensuring that they’re in a good place is a much better use of your time. Remember, in competition; it always takes two to tango.
Don’t Be Afraid To Take Legal Action If Necessary
If co-parenting with a toxic reaches a point where you genuinely feel worried about your safety or the safety of your children, don’t be afraid to take the proper legal action. Taking notes of problematic occurrences is advisable, keeping track of dates, times and storing your notes in multiple locations. Things may not get to this point with your toxic ex, but if they do, the ability to legally defend yourself and ensure the safety of your children is paramount. Having witnesses who can vouch for your character is another asset that will come in handy if you become forced to take legal, protective measures.
Be Cognizant Of Your Ex’s Negative Behavior Patterns
Once you get into the habit of co-parenting, you’re likely to notice certain patterns in your ex’s behavior. Being aware and cognizant of these patterns as time passes can help you avoid negative interactions and focus on what is best for them. Toxic behaviors generally happen in cycles; once you recognize the patterns which comprise the toxic cycle, you can take steps to minimize negativity and ensure that you’re doing your part as a responsible parent.
Important Reminders
Co-parenting is a journey, especially when you’re forced to deal with a toxic ex. Give yourself time to learn the ropes, and don’t beat yourself up if everything isn’t immediately smooth-sailing. Knowing how to manage co-parenting with an ex is always helpful, but each situation is unique. There will be many parts and layers of co-parenting, which ultimately require you to make a judgment call and determine which course of action you think is best.
If you know other successful co-parents, it may be helpful for you to network with them. Their situations are bound to differ from yours, but this doesn’t mean that their feedback and advice won’t prove to be of value. In many ways, this goes hand in hand with having a reliable support system. The ability to get advice from others who have been through what you’re learning can truly make your situation easier and less stressful.
Seeking Professional Help Is Always OK
There are times where exes can put differences aside and seek professional therapy or counseling to improve their co-parenting skills and do what’s best for their children. If this is something you and your ex can manage to do, it’s an advisable move to better your situation.
If your ex isn’t able to seek professional help or declines to do so, this is still an advisable course of action for you. Remember, you can’t control how your ex conducts themselves, but you do have control over yourself and how you move throughout the journey of co-parenting. Working with a therapist allows you to talk about your situation and gain professional, unique feedback, which strictly pertains to what you’re going through as a co-parent.
Seeking therapy doesn’t make you less of a good parent, despite what your ex or other people may tell you. In fact, seeking therapy shows how committed you are to excellent co-parenting and doing what’s in your children’s best interest. This is something which you ought to be proud of, and nobody can take this away from you.
Depending on your situation or schedule, traveling to a designated location every week might not be a good fit for you. This is why signing up for online therapy with Regain is an available option that can be of value to you. Whether you’re going through co-parenting struggles or another matter entirely, Regain-based therapists would be more than thrilled to work with you.
Everyone faces setbacks and hard times in life. The ability to seek help when these challenges arise is ultimately what contributes to getting through hard times. Working with an online therapist will not make all of your issues magically vanish; however, it will ensure that you’re equipped to deal with issues effectively and find the right solutions.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
How do you co-parent with a toxic ex?
Parenting is hard regardless of if you are married or divorced from your ex. Parenting after divorce can be difficult for couples for various reasons and can take a negative toll on the physical, emotional, and mental well-being of all individuals involved.
High conflict after divorce is normal as relationships change, emotions are still hurt, and can even be caused due to the reasons for your divorce in the first place. To add to the already stressful time, you then have to consider all external factors that may be causing divorced parents to argue over topics, including new relationships and financial struggles.
This can directly affect divorced parents’ ability to embrace the idea of positive co-parenting. If you have recently divorced and are finding co-parenting difficult with a toxic ex, here are some parenting tips that you may find useful:
- One of the most important factors of positive parenting is to avoid speaking poorly about your ex in front of your children, as hard as it may be. Children are very susceptible to adult emotions and can easily pick up their negative feelings towards their other parents. While divorce is hard on everyone, it can significantly affect your children and cause them a great deal of confusion and distress. Therefore, it is essential to keep your children out of your co-parenting problems.
- Practice positive parenting by putting your feelings aside and thinking about your children in times of conflict or high emotion. Parenting is hard, especially when co-parenting with a toxic ex who doesn’t realize their behaviors affect you and your children. If you’re able, it helps to sit down with your ex and come to a resolution that results in a parenting plan that will support your children’s well-being and positive development. You don’t need to like your ex, but if you’d still like them to be a part of your children’s lives, it may be necessary to lead by example.
- Do not try and implement parental alienation with your children (unless necessary and appropriate for your circumstances). As much as you would like to cut ties with your ex and parent on your own without them, it is generally not healthy to cut off communication with your ex (so long as they are a healthy and safe person to be around) and your children. Parental alienation can cause damaging effects on your children’s well-being in the present as well as the future.
- Parenting with a narcissist is difficult because they will often use tactics to trigger emotions and make you feel guilty for your decisions as a parent. Therefore, when you’re co-parenting with your toxic ex, it’s crucial to identify what triggers you so you can avoid negatively reacting to their tactics in front of your children.
- Consider waiting to discuss your divorce’s details until the dust has settled or until your children are older. Yes, parenting after divorce is challenging; however, your divorce grounds may be upsetting for your children and should not be used as talking points during high conflict situations you may have with your children or your ex.
Remember, successful co-parenting isn’t easy. But successful co-parenting is possible.
When you’re co-parenting with someone toxic, the best thing to do is try and stay focused on your children rather than the conflict you are experiencing with your ex. Remember that they are likely the most critical factor in dealing with your ex.
How do I co-parent with a narcissistic ex?
According to the American Psychiatric Association, a narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by:
- a long-standing pattern of grandiose self-importance and an exaggerated sense of talent and achievements
- fantasies of unlimited sex relationships, power, brilliance, or beauty
- an exhibitionistic need for attention and admiration
- either cool indifference or feelings of rage, humiliation, or emptiness as a response to criticism, indifference, or defeat
- various interpersonal disturbances, such as feeling entitled to special favors, taking advantage of others, and inability to empathize with the feelings of others.”
When it comes to parenting with a narcissist, the most important parenting tips you may ever receive are those that encourage self-confidence, patience, and positivity.
With that said, here are some more parenting tips if you are currently parenting with a narcissist:
- Come up with a concrete parenting plan. Include a detailed schedule of your children’s day throughout the week and the weekends, including holidays and vacations. The more details you put into the plan, the less likely of a chance you will have to deal with your toxic ex making a big deal about scheduling.
- Have strict boundaries when it comes to your communication when parenting with a narcissist, rather than speaking to them on the phone or through text, downloading parenting apps or similar apps that track all communications if you need to download them for legal reasons.
- Make sure to document everything, including if they are ever late to pick up the kids, what your kids ate when they were there if they asked you to change the schedule. The more details you have, the better off you are in a potentially tricky situation in the future (i.e., if conflicts rise into legal disputes).
- Make sure to keep control over your emotions. There is nothing more a narcissist hates than trying to get an emotional response from someone cool, calm, and collected. Instead of engaging in any conflict with them, respond calmly and end the conversation dead in its tracks before they try to push your buttons further.
- Seek parenting tips from a counselor on how to work with them further.
- Try parallel parenting methods to co-parent without having to speak to each other at all.
How do you deal with a toxic co-parent?
When you’re co-parenting with a toxic ex, it’s easy to become overwhelmed with their emotional tactics. They may try to use them to put you down.
You are bound to have moments where enough is enough and tempers are sure to rise. This is why if you’re co-parenting with someone toxic, you may want to try one of the most effective parenting tips: parallel parenting.
Parallel parenting is a form of positive parenting approach that allows you to parent your children the way you wish when they are in your custody and do not interfere with how your ex parents them when they are in theirs.
The overall goal of parallel parenting is to provide a conflict resolution option for parents who cannot get along. For the sake of their children’s well-being, they essentially co-parent alone with the same overall theme of how to parent their children in terms of how to discipline them, their approach to education, and their overall safety.
There is very little communication with this type of parenting except through parenting apps, email, or a counselor present to sort out custody calendars.
What is considered harassment by a co-parent?
Whether you are in a relationship or not, harassing someone is illegal. There can be consequences if prosecuted by the individual who is dealing with the harassment.
When you’re co-parenting with a toxic ex, harassment can manifest in numerous ways that over time can cause significant damage to your emotional, mental, and physical well-being.
Some forms of harassment you may experience when you are co-parenting with a toxic ex include:
- Repeated text messages that are explicit and threatening
- Spreading rumors to your friends, online, or to the people you work with
- Speaking badly about you in front of your children
- Harassing you on social media by sending you rude messages, commenting on your photos
Here are some parenting tips for what to do if you are parenting with a toxic ex who is harassing you:
- Block their number and refuse to communicate with them outside of parenting apps which record all conversations. If you need to take your matter to court, you will have proof of their harassment.
- Document all their instances of harassment.
- Don’t retaliate to get a rise out of them.
- Reach out to your lawyer about treating you to see any legal options to make the harassment stop.
- Seek help and parenting tips from a therapist or another mental health professional.
It can be challenging to identify harassment, especially if you’re used to dealing with an ex’s toxic and problematic behavior. Still, harassment and stalking are unfortunately all too common in personal or sexual relationships or former personal or sexual relationships.
Being aware of the role sex relationships, marriage, divorce, and the conflicts that can arise as a result might play in your life may better equip you to handle them if they do.
What is the most psychologically damaging thing you can say to a child?
It’s easy to let your emotions get the best of you when disciplining your kids, which can sometimes lead you to say things you did not mean in the heat of the moment.
That said, the words you speak to your children can have a lasting impact on their emotional, mental, and psychical health, which can later cause problems for them in the future.
The best thing to do if you find yourself belittling your children is to look for positive parenting tips that can help you better deal with your emotions when you are heated.
Regardless, here are some of the most psychologically damaging things you can say to your children (if you are looking for parenting tips, make sure to avoid saying these phrases):
- “Why can’t you be like your brother or sister?”
- “What is wrong with you?”
- “Quit being so sensitive.”
- “Suck it up. I had it worse when I was a kid.”
- “You are so lazy/unmotivated/ungrateful.”
- “I didn’t raise you to be this way.”
How do you prove a parent is manipulating a child?
While parenting with your ex can be difficult, it can be even more difficult when you believe they are trying to manipulate your children into feeling a specific way about you.
You might suspect that they’re engaging in harmful behaviors like talking badly about you, blaming you for your marriage ending, and more.
This can lead to what is known as parent alienation which, although not formally considered a syndrome in the DSM-5, is caused by emotional abuse.
Here are some parenting tips/signs that may indicate your ex is trying to alienate you from your children that you can use as evidence:
- They tell your children the details of why you got divorced, or gossip about said details
- They will make false accusations of domestic abuse
- They speak badly about you in front of your children
- Your children are all of a sudden angry with you
- Your ex tries to get details about your private life
- They try to keep your children from you
- They ask your children to choose sides
When you’re co-parenting with your ex, it’s essential never to bring the children into your conflicts as it can damage their emotional and mental development.
If you are experiencing alienation from your children while you’re co-parenting, it is best to speak directly to your ex to get to the root of the issue rather than getting the children involved.
During times of conflict before, after, or as a divorce is going on, it’s not a bad idea to seek a mental health professional’s guidance. When it comes to sex relationships and divorce, couples counselors and marriage counselors are great resources.
Sex relationships, marriage, and divorce are all natural parts of life. Nonetheless, sex relationships, marriage, and divorce are stressful parts of life. Learning skills to manage the emotions and conflicts that come with these events is the main reason many individuals seek out a professional’s help.
