Seven Complications That You Might Encounter In Affairs When Both Parties Are Married
Having an affair can impact your own life as well as your spouse’s and any children that are involved. While you might know that cheating on your spouse is wrong, you may feel unable to help yourself. If you're thinking of having an affair with someone, you may want to take a few steps back to think first. The consequences of an affair can be far-reaching, and once an affair has taken place, things are bound to change in some way. If the person that you're thinking of having an affair with also happens to be married, it could create an even more complex situation. Let’s look at seven complications that you might encounter in an affair when both parties are married.
1. Double the risk of being caught
Having an affair with another married person can be particularly risky. When you're having an affair with someone who is single, they don't run the risk of being caught. When both of you are married, though, each of you is going to be cheating and lying to your spouse. This can increase the risk of someone making a mistake and, eventually, you both might wind up getting caught. Even if you are very careful about covering your tracks, your lover might make a mistake and their spouse could discover the affair.
Once your lover has been figured out, the affair may come back on you as well. If your lover's spouse determines it was you that they were seeing, then they might let your spouse know as well. Having an affair with another married individual can make it even less practical than it was before, and it might not be worth the risk in the end.
2. You'll need to find a place to spend time together
Another problem that you might not have considered is that you both won't be able to use your own homes to meet up with each other. Granted, some people do sleep around in their marital beds while their spouses are away at work. However, this can increase the likelihood that you will be caught red-handed. Regardless, when you're sleeping with another married person, they’re not likely to want to take you back to their house. So, this means that spending time together can be much more difficult than if one of you were single. It also means you’ll need to find a convenient place to see each other without the risk of getting caught.
Many affairs between married people wind up taking place in hotel rooms. This can also present a problem because someone must pay for the room. Most hotel rooms on the market don’t allow you to pay in cash. Many require a credit or debit card to be used as payment and this will show up on your statement. This makes it more likely that your spouse could notice that you have been spending money on strange things, which could alert them to the fact that you're having an affair.
3. Potential STD risk
Whenever you’re sleeping with another person, there is a risk of contracting a STD. Further, when you're sleeping with someone who is still regularly sleeping with their spouse, there may be an even greater potential STD risk. You have no way of knowing whether your lover's spouse isn't also cheating on them. If you contract an STD, it could then be spread to your spouse, making the situation even worse.
If you were having an affair with a single person who wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, you might feel safer. There's always the potential of getting an STD when you start sleeping with someone new and unfamiliar, though. You can never really know if someone is being loyal to you. Giving your spouse an STD could be a tragic way for them to find out that you're cheating. Even if you do have issues with your spouse, this can be an incredibly hurtful thing to do to someone that you love or have loved in the past.
4. Matching up your schedules may not be easy
If you are dating someone who is also a spouse, and potentially a parent, then they may not have a lot of free time. Just like you, they’ll need to be able to get away from their house without raising any suspicion. This may make it impractical for you two to see each other very often. Even if you're sleeping with someone from your place of employment, it may still be challenging to find time to be together when you're off the clock. Risking your job to act on your sexual impulses while you're on the clock could also be unwise.
5. Your children might know each other
It's possible that your children could know each other if you live in the same town. Many affairs between married individuals can become even trickier when kids are involved. Your children might be friends, or they could be bitter enemies at school. This just makes things even more awkward if you do get caught or decide to get with your lover after divorcing your current spouse. Integrating two families together when the kids are similar ages is not necessarily easy. You probably want to take the feelings of your children into consideration.
You might not even have kids yourself, but your lover could have several. If you aren't interested in being in a step-mom or step-dad situation down the line, then you may want to avoid having an affair with a married person. Many married individuals have kids and dating them can wind up meaning that you're interviewing to become a part of the family someday. If you plan on being together for real, then this is a reality that you’ll likely have to face at some point. It's a potential complication that many people may not consider, especially when they’re caught up in the excitement of the affair.
6. Hurting two families instead of just one
Having feelings for someone else while married isn't unusual but having feelings for another married person can be even trickier than a typical affair. You won't just be causing damage within your own family if things go south, but you could also be harming the lives of the people from your lover's family. Taking a step back and trying to see the bigger picture can help you make wiser decisions. People's lives are involved in this scenario and your actions have the potential to seriously hurt others.
Being married but in love with someone else can be tough. You might not be satisfied with your current marriage and maybe even want out. If you want to move on, then doing things the right way could be healthier for you, your family, your lover, and their family. You might have a lover in mind, but they may need to handle their own affairs before being able to be with you. The same could be true of you. Consider your options and know that your affair could decimate two separate families. There may be another way that doesn’t involve sneaking around, lying, or causing unnecessary hurt.
7. Adultery is illegal in some places
It can be important to know that adultery is illegal in some places. There are still many states in America that list adultery as a crime. This means that you and your lover could potentially both be punished by the law for your actions. If you care about your lover, then it might not be a wise idea to keep seeing them. You could wind up getting into serious trouble and put you in a bad spot if you ever seek a divorce from your current spouse. Further, if you do care about your lover, it’s likely you don’t want to bring them harm by getting them in trouble with the law.
If your lover keeps pushing to see you even though you know this is wrong, then you might need to think about whether they really want what is best for you. If they aren't willing to divorce their spouse, will you ever really be able to be together? Are they just seeking sex or is it a true love connection? If it's really love, then waiting until what you're doing isn't illegal could be an option for each of you to consider.
Online counseling with Regain
Whether you’ve been involved in an affair yourself or have found out your spouse is in one, knowing what to do next can be challenging. Some couples seek to save their relationship, while others find that the betrayal associated with cheating is too much to bear. If you need to work through your feelings related to infidelity, consider confiding in a licensed online therapist through Regain. Regain provides services to both individuals and couples, depending on your needs. Even if you and your partner have busy or demanding schedules, online therapy is available 24/7 from anywhere you have an internet connection, allowing you to get the support you need.
The efficacy of online counseling
Online counseling can be helpful for couples facing a variety of problems in their relationship, including infidelity. One study assessed the effectiveness of an online couples therapy intervention for improving relationship satisfaction and decreasing relationship distress. Researchers found that couples participating in the intervention were able to make “concrete changes in their relationship” and understand one another better. Further, the couples were able to identify the problem in their relationship and address it by working together.
Takeaway
Affairs can complicate relationships and cause a variety of outcomes whether they’re discovered or not. Not only do affairs within a marriage affect each spouse’s partner, but they can also impact any children in the families as well. If your marriage has been affected by an affair, you may be struggling to decide whether you should end your union or try to work things out. Every marriage and situation are different, and it may take you some time to figure out how you’d like to proceed. You are not alone in this journey, and a licensed online therapist can be there for you as you process your feelings and make important choices in your life. Regain can provide you with a safe space to discuss whatever is on your mind, and you can reach out whenever you feel ready.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
Do relationships from affairs last?
Most of the time, relationships from an affair don’t last. When they do, they tend to be short term. Research indicates that relationships from affairs are unlikely to be long term and that they're even less likely to result in marriage. If they do result in marriage, divorce could be a feasible possibility. Statistics show that 40% of people who cheat are separated, whereas 17% of those who did not cheat are no longer coupled. That said, it's not impossible for a relationship with an affair to last.
How often do affairs turn into marriage?
Research shows that it's unlikely for an affair to turn into marriage. Statistics indicate that only 3% to 5% of relationships that start or begin as affairs turn into a marriage. Some married people don't walk away after an affair and decide to work things out, where others make the choice to call it off. Both responses are equally appropriate. It all depends on the nuances of your relationship as well as your needs, wants, and beliefs. Whether you stay with your current spouse or move on, the important thing is that you're able to have a healthy relationship moving forward, which is why seeing a mental health provider can be beneficial after an affair.
How long do extramarital affairs usually last?
Six months to two years is generally the time frame for which an extramarital relationship or affair lasts. That said, the length of an extramarital affair can vary depending on multiple factors. Regardless of its length, though, affairs can be damaging to a relationship. Research indicates that 20% to 40% of divorces are prompted by cheating, but not all affairs end in divorce.
Sometimes, coming forward about an affair can help couples acknowledge issues within the relationship and work through them. There may be something that you and your partner weren't confronting, such as difficulties with communication, stress, or feeling like you aren't valued or paid attention to by your partner. Identifying these issues can help you and your spouse take the first step toward a healthier, happier partnership.
Why do affairs happen?
There are a number of reasons that affairs might happen. Someone might pursue an affair for sexual fulfillment, the sensation that they're falling out of love with the person they're married to, or a negative change in the marriage they're in. For example, if they feel like their partner is emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable, someone might seek emotional availability somewhere else. That said, when someone gets cheated on, it isn’t their fault. The person or people having an affair need to take responsibility for their actions. Two married people having an affair means that both need to take responsibility. It can be crucial to talk things through candidly and be honest with yourself as to if you can be faithful in your marriage. Ask, too, whether you can redevelop trust with your partner after an affair.
How do affairs start?
Affairs can start in a variety of ways. People having an affair might've met online, at work, when they were in college, or somewhere else. It could be someone that your spouse has known for a long time, perhaps even someone they used to be in a relationship with, or someone they met more recently. Some individuals may actively seek an affair using dating apps, social media, or by other means, whereas others might not have planned to start an affair prior to the beginning of one. This is sometimes referred to as an accidental affair. That said, it can still be important for a person to take responsibility for their actions.
Do emotional affairs turn into love?
There are multiple kinds of affairs a person can have. There are physical affairs, one-night stands, and emotional affairs, to name a few. There are also affairs that exist solely online, often using dating websites or dating apps. If someone is having an emotional affair, it could potentially turn into love, though that most certainly isn't always the case. Feelings of love that occurred during emotional affairs may not last, but anything is possible; people having an affair could fall in love despite the odds. However, there will likely be some things to work through. For example, if your relationship started as an affair, you may become suspicious that your partner will have an affair again, or they may worry about you cheating on them.
How long do affairs last after discovery?
How long affairs last after they’re discovered can depend on the nature of the affair and the state of the pre-existing romantic relationship. In some cases, married people choose to work things out after an affair by going to couples counseling or through other means. Other times, often if the marriage was already on the rocks, people choose to break up, and an affair might continue. That said, it is statistically unlikely for affairs to turn into long-term relationships, and an affair could also end either soon after or directly after discovery. The kind of affair you or your partner engaged in could make a difference in how long it lasts. For example, a one-night stand likely won’t last as long as an affair that was both physical and emotional and continued over a long period.
How many emotional affairs end in divorce?
Research indicates that about 40% of individuals who have engaged in infidelity are now separated. Some couples are able to work through their issues together and move past instances of infidelity, while others are not. Every marriage is different, and the individuals in the relationship can affect what happens moving forward.
What percent of marriages survive affairs?
While statistics vary from study to study, research indicates that up to 65% to 75% of marriages survive affairs, meaning that only 25% to 35% of marriages don't survive. It's 10% more likely that a marriage will survive an affair if the individual who was unfaithful was a male. If you are interested in couples counseling to help you and your partner work through any of the various kinds of affairs and repair your marriage, search for a mental health provider near you or consider online counseling through a website of your choice.
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