Why Some Couples Choose Pre-Engagement Counseling And How It Can Help
Lots of people find it useful to try out some couples counseling before they get married. The basic idea is to get coaching on communication skills and healthy relationship dynamics before making a lifelong commitment. But some couples take this one step further, seeking out joint therapy before either of them has proposed. What are the advantages of pre-engagement counseling?
Pre-engagement counseling offers many of the benefits of premarital couples therapy, such as discussing important values, identifying habits that might cause conflict, and learning good strategies for discussion and negotiation. The big difference is that you get to talk these things through before making a public commitment to get married. This may make it easier to consider the possibility that the two of you might not be compatible. For some couples, this could allow for a more honest look at the pros and cons of marriage.
Why couples counseling before marriage can be a good idea
It’s common for people to think of relationship counseling mainly as something unhappy spouses do to avoid divorce. Yet this may not be the only use — or even the best use — of couples therapy. There’s good reason to think that it can have a preventative effect, helping your marriage avoid trouble later on.
Research in this area is still somewhat limited, but current evidence points toward benefits. A 2004 meta-analysis found that on average, couples who had completed some type of premarital counseling were 30% more satisfied in their marriages than those who hadn’t. They demonstrated better interpersonal skills and better overall relationship quality.
It’s not hard to see why this might be. If you wait until your marriage has serious problems before seeking the advice of a professional, you might miss the chance to tackle those problems while they’re still small. Couples counselors frequently report that many of their clients don’t get help until they’ve been unhappy for years. By that time, their relationship challenges may have deepened due to repeated misunderstandings, arguments, and grievances.
In addition, many newlyweds find that married life involves much more adjustment and compromise than they anticipated before they said “I do.” This can contribute a great deal to the stresses facing the relationship. A seasoned marriage counselor can often help you anticipate and prepare for these changes.
Why try pre-engagement counseling?
Maybe the above advice convinced you that seeing a counselor before getting married is a good idea. But why would you do so before even getting engaged?
Though that might not sound very romantic, it can have a positive side: assuming you do decide to get engaged after counseling, you may feel much more certain you’ve made the right choice. This added peace of mind can make the process of preparing for marriage less stressful and more joyful.
Knowing that you haven’t committed to getting married might also remove some barriers to the therapeutic process. The thought of splitting up could be less daunting, making you more willing to tackle the biggest sore spots in your relationship.
The last advantage is practical: you may have more time for counseling now than you will after you get engaged. After the proposal, you’ll most likely have hundreds of other things to think about, from setting a date to negotiating with vendors. It may be hard to fit couples therapy appointments into your schedule.
Even if you’re able to attend couples counseling, the demands of wedding planning could limit its effectiveness. Therapists typically give couples things to work on between sessions, and it can be easy to forget these things when you’re busy revising your guest list or stocking your registry.
What can you get from pre-engagement counseling?
If you’re still on the fence about going to counseling before you get engaged, you may find it helpful to consider some of the specific benefits. What could pre-engagement counseling do for you?
Address the big questions
Many marriage counselors say that they often encounter couples who haven’t had serious conversations about some key issues in married life. This may be due to a sense of awkwardness or because they’re afraid they might not like the answers. It could also be because they just assume they’re on the same page.
Whatever the reason, neglecting these discussions now could lead to major conflict down the line. You’re likely better off talking them out before either person pops the question. A pre-engagement counselor will likely help you navigate questions like:
How much will we merge our finances? Will we take on each other’s debt?
Where do we want to live?
What annoys you most about me? What do you like best?
Will we have children? How many?
If we have kids, will one spouse take care of them full-time?
What do you need to be sexually satisfied?
What counts as cheating?
Learn each other’s love languages
The idea of “love languages” can sound like empty pop psychology, but there’s some actual research backing it up. Different people seem to prefer different ways of expressing affection. They may also find it easier to feel loved when a partner employs the love language they understand best.
A professional counselor can often help you identify your partner’s love language and get better at speaking it. This can be hugely helpful in maintaining your emotional bond through the stresses of engagement and marriage.
Work out your boundaries
Committing to marriage can mean intertwining your lives in countless ways. Your marriage may well be the most intimate bond you will ever have with another person. This can make it all the more important to establish clear boundaries to ensure that your values and individuality are honored.
When couples don’t know what’s out of bounds for each other, they may wind up causing deep hurt without meaning to. Pre-engagement counseling can be an excellent forum for negotiating the boundaries that you’ll ask each other to live by in your life together.
Practice arguing
It’s easy to view arguments as bad things in a relationship. However, that may not always be the case. A 2019 paper found evidence that couples who often expressed mild anger tended to last longer, perhaps because it gave them a chance to address disagreements before they grew into major problems.
The key may be in learning how to argue in constructive ways, and how to make up afterward. In pre-engagement therapy, you’ll probably discuss many of the things which cause friction between you and your prospective spouse. You’ll be able to practice hashing out your disagreements while your counselor acts as a moderator and coaches you on how to clash without causing hurt feelings.
This can be good practice for the times when you’ll have to make decisions as a couple, even about things where you may not see 100% eye-to-eye. You may be able to develop some strategies and processes for coming to agreements about difficult issues.
Identify dysfunctional dynamics
Many marriages wind up encountering challenges because of patterns of behavior that began very early in the relationship. When you’re falling in love with someone, or caught up in the excitement of preparing for your wedding, it may be easier to ignore or minimize these interpersonal issues. Unfortunately, this can allow them to deepen and become much harder to change.
A trained counselor may help you spot these troubling dynamics before you get engaged. This can give you time to work on them while you don’t have an upcoming wedding distracting you. You’ll likely be better prepared to overcome these issues if they rear their heads later on.
Online counseling before getting engaged
Some couples who choose pre-engagement counseling prefer to meet with a therapist over the Internet rather than in person. It’s often easier to make time for sessions when you can attend from home instead of traveling to an office.
This is especially helpful when you have to work around two people’s work schedules. Being in familiar surroundings may also help you feel more comfortable with the process, enabling you to discuss your relationship more openly and honestly.
Though there haven’t been many studies on Internet-based pre-engagement counseling, research into online couples counseling has shown positive results. One 2022 study looked at both face-to-face and remote options and found no difference in how well they worked. Online couples counseling produced significant improvements in both mental health and relationship satisfaction.
Takeaway
Starting couples counseling before you decide to get married can be a good way to ensure you’re making the right choice. It can also set you up for a stronger marriage by identifying points of conflict, improving your interpersonal skills, and helping you get to know each other better. Starting couples counseling before you think you’ll need it is rarely a bad idea.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What is the average time before engagement?
In the United States, most couples date for around two or more years before getting engaged. However, many individuals may wait less than two years, even some who wait only a few weeks or months.
The process of marriage preparation can be daunting, and some couples might find it more beneficial to remain unmarried for a longer time. Others might handle the challenges of marriage preparation by remaining engaged for a longer period. Whatever works for you and your situation is completely appropriate.
Before getting engaged or getting married, some couples find it beneficial to seek mental health services to help address any issues or concerns in their relationship. Pre-engagement counseling, premarital counseling, and other similar services are great resources to accomplish this goal.
Premarital counseling isn’t always necessary, but it can help you strengthen your relationship, even if you have no major issues. A counselor can help you understand your priorities and goals in life, such as marriage parenting faith or why you might choose to avoid marriage parenting faith or other principles, among other things. This could also help determine the best amount of time to wait before getting married in your specific situation.
How many sessions are needed for premarital counseling?
Typically, multiple sessions of premarital counseling or marital counseling are necessary to see change and improvement. You can likely expect to attend 5 to 10 sessions (at a minimum), depending on the complexity and severity of the issues.
The time you could spend in premarital or marital counseling largely depends on why you’re there. For some, premarital counseling might be a healthy part of marriage preparation; for others, more serious relationship-threatening issues might need to be addressed, and more time will be spent in therapy as a result.
It’s important not to be afraid of premarital counseling or marital counseling. Though there can appear still to be some stigma around premarital counseling and similar services, they have a lot of potentials to be good for just about anyone. They do not necessarily mean a relationship is in trouble at all.
No matter how much you prepare for marriage can be challenging, and it can sometimes necessitate intervention or guidance from an outside party. Pre-engagement counseling, premarital counseling, and other forms of therapy are designed to help you in the long term, and they certainly have demonstrated that they can do so for many couples.
What is the best age to get engaged?
The best age to get engaged is a personal decision (although in the United States, research shows that more and more individuals are waiting longer to get engaged and married). It’s generally a good idea to avoid rushing into a marriage at an especially young age since the brain isn’t fully formed until slightly into adulthood, after all. Still, no set age guarantees or prevents a healthy marriage.
A good place to discuss marriage parenting faith and engagement, among other topics, is premarital counseling. Premarital counseling is designed to address specific problems you and your partner may be dealing with before, during, and after your engagement.
Pre-engagement counseling, premarital counseling, and other similar services are meant to help us understand what’s important to us in life, whether marriage,e parenting, faith, or something completely different. Counseling can determine how to best approach the obstacles that relationships and life may throw at a couple, forming a strong foundation for anything that could come up in the future.
How long is too long to date before engagement?
There is no right answer for topics like marriage, parenting faith, and other similar ideas. Even if you believe you’re fully prepared for marriage, how long to date before engagement falls under this umbrella can be challenging and stressful. Everyone is different, and even those with seemingly mature self-awareness may question when a relationship is ready for marriage.
Many couples date for a year or two before getting engaged, but that doesn’t mean that only this model is healthy. Some couples date for shorter or longer periods, while some never get married at all.
A good way to answer this question is to gauge your expectations and goals and those of your partners. This way, you’ll be on the same page, lessen confusion, and avoid potential conflict. Communication about expectations of marriage is often key to avoiding conflict.
Premarital counseling is a great space to explore these questions and more (marriage parenting faith, or whatever else you might need). Premarital counseling doesn’t have to be solely for couples who are struggling, either. Virtually anyone can benefit from these sorts of discussions.
What questions does a marriage counselor ask?
Many questions in marital counseling dive deep into the root of relationships and individuals’ priorities in life (marriage, parenting, faith, and others). Here are some questions you might expect to encounter during a premarital counseling or marital counseling session:
- Are you happy? How do you think your happiness has affected/has been affected by your relationship?
- What topics or questions are you afraid to talk about (i.e., those related to marriage parenting faith, etc.)? Why?
- Where do you see your relationship now and in the future? Do you and your partner share the same philosophy for marriage parenting faith and other important topics?
- What are some of the obstacles you and your partner have faced together?
- What are some of the conflicts you’ve had with your partner?
- What brings you to premarital counseling or marital counseling?
If you experience any uncertainty or conflicts over marriage parenting faith, engagement, or other similar life events, marital counseling or premarital counseling will likely be a great resource for you.
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