How To Forgive Yourself For Cheating In Your Relationship

No one is perfect, and you cannot erase a past mistake. However, there are strategies to move forward from infidelity with self-forgiveness. According to the Berkeley Well-Being Institute, this involves a combination of accepting responsibility, empathizing with those you’ve hurt, restoring relationships, and growing through new perspective and compassion. This can be difficult to achieve on your own, and it’s recommended that you consider reaching out to a licensed therapist after engaging in infidelity. 

According to psychiatrist Dr. Scott Haltzman, while 40% of marriages experience infidelity, more than 50% of those marriages will survive it. And, for some couples, successfully restoring the relationship after cheating can make it stronger than before the transgression.   

Possible keys to protecting your relationship from cheating

Perhaps infidelity has not entered your relationship, but you’re wondering how you can reduce the risk of it occurring in the future. In a study of married couples who successfully maintained monogamy, researchers identified several protective factors that seemed to reduce the likelihood of cheating, including: 

• Healthy boundaries (behavioral, relationship, and cognitive)
• Romantic intimacy
• Compatibility
• Values and beliefs in support of monogamy
• Healthy individual and joint coping skills

If these do not exist in your relationship, you may want to consider whether couples therapy may be helpful. Identifying challenges in your relationship proactively can enable you to address them before cheating occurs. 

Why do people cheat? 

To quote the famous psychologist, Esther Perel, “Sometimes, when we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t our partner we are turning away from, but the person we have become. We are not looking for another lover so much as another version of ourselves.” Understanding the reasons you cheated will likely require substantial internal reflection.  

One study of nearly 500 people who admitted to cheating asked them to explain why they did it. According to the results, the primary motivation for cheating is often centered on one or several of the following reasons:

• Anger or revenge 
• Low self-esteem 
• Low commitment to the relationship
• Lack of love in the relationship
• Desire for variety
• Neglect
• Feeling stressed
• Sexual desire
• Situation or circumstance

Understanding the primary drivers of your infidelity can help you address those feelings and move forward with your partner. 

How to forgive yourself after cheating

Self-forgiveness is not the same thing as giving yourself a “pass,” or deeming the behavior acceptable. However, it can be seen as the first step of moving past the guilt and pain caused by your action.   

The following steps may help you forgive yourself: 

Accept responsibility for your actions

Take the time to reflect on what happened in your relationship that drove your infidelity. Acknowledging where you’ve made mistakes and what you should have done differently is an important part of becoming accountable for your actions and growing from them. 

However, despite making a poor choice, remember that you are worthy of self-forgiveness and that you can grow from your mistakes.  

Apologize

A sincere apology will: 

• Accept responsibility for your actions without placing blame on your partner.
• Acknowledge that what you did was wrong and hurtful. 
• Not minimize your actions. 
• Briefly explain what happened, or simply let them know that your actions are inexcusable. 
• Tell them that you will answer any questions they may have. 
• Give them the space they need.
• Not place pressure on forgiveness.

Research supports that apologies can promote forgiveness in your relationship, however, even if your partnership ends, you still owe them a genuine apology. 

Embrace remorse

Cheating hurts your partner, and you should try to empathize with their experience. By acknowledging how you were both hurt by your actions, you may be less likely to cheat in the future. Here are some indicators that you’re experiencing remorse: 

• You apologize frequently and sincerely. 
• You take actions to reduce the suffering of your partner. 
• You are willing to do what they need to heal your relationship. 
• You do not blame them for your mistakes. 

Research shows that accepting how your actions have impacted others is essential for growth. 

Be completely honest

Cheating almost always results in a loss of trust. A 2018 study found that prior infidelity is a strong predictor of future infidelity, meaning that those who cheat are more likely to do it again. 

Stopping this behavior may require reflection and stronger communication. To move forward with your partner, you will need to answer difficult questions, such as why you were motivated to cheat in the first place. Other questions you will likely need to answer honestly include the following:

• How long did you cheat for, and how often?
• Who did you tell about your infidelity?
• Do you, or did you ever, have romantic feelings for them? 
• Are you still communicating with them? Have you ended things with them? 

The shame and guilt often associated with cheating can make it difficult to talk about. But it’s important that you do not shut your partner out or avoid their questions. Your honesty in answering them may help you both gain a better understanding of what happened and why, and it can help forge a stronger relationship in the future. 

Make some changes 

If you and your partner are going to continue your relationship, you’ll want to take some steps to reduce your interactions with the person you cheated with. For example, you can remove contact information, block numbers, and block social media accounts. 

Discuss your relationship going forward

Work to understand what caused your infidelity, and then come up with a strategy together to stop it from happening in the future. For example, going forward you might decide to do the following: 

• Create a list of both of your needs and desires
• Schedule routine check-ins to discuss the relationship
• Make a plan to attend couples therapy
• Set aside time each day to do activities together, like walking, gardening, or cooking
• Make time for date nights without kids, phones, or videogames present
• Say “I love you” more often
• Take a communications skills class together

Understand that your relationship will never be the same

If you and your partner decide to stay together, your relationship will never go back to being the way it once was. But that’s okay, and many relationships that continue after infidelity become stronger than they were before the transgression. According to marital therapist Andrew Marshall, infidelity allows couples to closely examine all aspects of their relationship honestly, which can act as a sort of “spring cleaning” for the couple.

Forgiveness enables growth

Though it can be difficult to forgive yourself after you’ve cheated, it can significantly impact your potential for growth. A 2014 study on couples who continued their relationships after infidelity found that forgiveness was the strongest predictor of posttraumatic growth. 

Getting professional help

If you’re having a hard time forgiving yourself, or if you’re experiencing lasting trauma from infidelity, you may want to try cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is a type of talk therapy that works by helping you recognize and change unhealthy automatic thoughts, which in turn can reduce the occurrence of emotional distress and unhelpful behaviors. 

If you and your partner have decided to stay together after infidelity, you should seriously consider attending couple’s therapy. A 2022 study from Frontiers in Psychology found that online couples therapy can effectively improve relationship satisfaction and mental health. Additionally, a 2021 study on the perception of online couples therapy determined that some couples find it easier to open up to a therapist when not physically in the same room as them. 

Online platforms like Regain offer both individual and couples counseling services, so you can make the choice that’s best for you. Either way, most people are matched with a licensed therapist within 48 hours. 

Takeaway

Forgiving yourself for cheating may be a long and challenging process. However, it’s an essential part of recovering and growing from your mistake. Accepting accountability for your actions, apologizing sincerely, allowing yourself to feel remorse, and prioritizing honesty can help you in your journey towards self-forgiveness. 

If you and your partner decide to continue your relationship after infidelity, a therapist can be a helpful resource. Research demonstrates that online couples therapy can improve relationship satisfaction and mental health, and it’s often more approachable than in-person therapy for couples.