Learning To Live With Yourself: How To Manage Loneliness

If you’re feeling isolated or lonely, you’re not alone; a recent study concluded that loneliness is on the rise, painting a melancholic picture of modern adulthood. Of these respondents, over a quarter of them express that they rarely, if ever, feel understood by their friends and family, with many more reporting that they fear their relationships are not meaningful.  These responses indicate that loneliness is reaching epidemic proportions. Research shows that chronic loneliness can have a lasting toll on our physical and mental health by acting as a fertilizer for other diseases. Knowing how to recognize and overcome loneliness, therefore, can be vital to leading a connected, happy, and healthy life.

Loneliness and health

People who live with chronic loneliness experience increased levels of stress and anxiety. These can cause a host of adverse health effects, including immunosuppression, high blood pressure, and increased inflammation. In addition to these risky conditions, loneliness can also interfere with day-to-day life, causing sleep disruptions and feelings of general sluggishness.

While the physical manifestations of loneliness may already be enough cause for concern, these don’t adequately describe the mental hardships it can also cause.  Studies suggest that the stress of loneliness can exacerbate mental health conditions, augmenting our sense of reality to make us feel more isolated than we may actually be. People who are lonely may experience feelings of emptiness, sadness, and anger, all of which can sometimes lead to the development of a negative self-image or perception of the world around them. 

Additionally, loneliness and depression often go hand-in-hand.  Constant loneliness may cause someone to feel isolated from their friends and family, leading them to withdraw from all social ties until they develop a deep-seated depression.  Similarly, someone experiencing depression may do so in silence, making it harder for them to reach out for support, thus making them feel more isolated.  Whatever the causal relationship between loneliness and depression may be, these two conditions can and often do work together, making them harder to overcome.

Overcoming loneliness

It’s possible to overcome loneliness with the right tools, guidance, and support from friends, family, or professionals. Consider the following tips which may help you feel more connected to the world around you.

1. Acceptance

The research is detailed:  loneliness does not happen in isolation.  Acknowledging that loneliness is a completely normal feeling can help you begin to overcome it.  When you acknowledge that loneliness does not happen in a vacuum, you may start to realize that it is not something that isolates us from each other but instead brings us together in a painfully human experience.

2. Foster friendships

One of the most powerful ways to overcome loneliness is to foster connections with other people. This may be easier said than done. Since loneliness is a feeling of perceived social isolation, you may feel as though your relationships with your loved ones are ruined beyond repair or that you are burdening your loved ones with your problems by reaching out. However, know that this is not the case; caring friends and families want to support you, but they may need you to teach them how. If you’re having trouble reconnecting, consider the following:

• Try reaching out to a loved one with a heartfelt, honest message to let them know that you’re thinking of them.
• Schedule some time for social interaction; clear a couple of hours on your calendar each week for phone calls, game nights, and other social activities with friends. Get these on the books in advance to give yourself something to look forward to when feelings of loneliness begin to creep back in.
• Be bold and tell your friends what you need. Ask for them to check in with you regularly, even if you aren’t responding to their calls or messages.
• If you’re struggling, let your loved ones know. Give them tips for supporting you in an effective way. 

3. Community connections

Seeking social support in your local community can help you feel more connected to others. Building new relationships allows you to expand your support network and feel closer to the people who live nearby. If you’re stumped on where to start, consider enrolling in a class at a local gym or community center or joining a local club.  

If you feel intimidated by the idea of committing to a class or club, don’t despair. Studies suggest that engaging in acts of altruism can also help people feel happier and more connected to their communities. Look for volunteer activities in your community that are meaningful to you and don’t require a commitment. These one-off opportunities can be an effective way to wade back into social interaction while making meaningful connections with like-minded people.

4. Cuddly companion

Beat the blues with a bluetick hound (or another furry companion of your choice!) Adopting a pet can improve your physical, emotional, and mental health; studies suggest that pets can help alleviate feelings of stress and anxiety, allowing you to overcome some of the most challenging aspects of loneliness. As an added perk, your new furry friend may help you feel less isolated by providing you with more opportunities for social connection within your community. Acting as a wingman (of sorts), your fuzzy friend can make it easier for strangers to strike up conversations with you when you’re out and about, allowing you to feel less lonely.

5. Seek professional help

You don’t have to deal with loneliness alone.  To address feelings of short-lived loneliness, you may want to consider connecting with a counselor. Whether you’re lonely because you feel disconnected from friends, live far from family, or don’t have a significant other, speaking to a professional about how you’re feeling could help. Mental health professionals, such as therapists and counselors, are trained in areas like depression and social anxiety which often lead to loneliness. They can give you tools to overcome the situation you’re in. Take advantage of local and national helplines when you are feeling vulnerable; these trained advocates may help you understand what you are going through so that you can take back control of your life. Whether you find help from a therapist locally or online, having someone to confide in and process your feelings could help stave off feelings of loneliness. 

Understanding loneliness

Loneliness may be a universal human emotion, but every one of us experiences it differently. While social media and other technologies may have us more connected in a global community than ever before, there are many reasons why someone might still feel lonely today. These include:

1. Stressful life events

Significant changes in your day-to-day life can trigger loneliness. It is not uncommon for people to experience loneliness after losing a loved one, starting a new job, or moving somewhere without a support system.

2. Quantity over quality

Robin Williams once lamented that “[he] used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone” before he realized that, in actuality, “the worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” Countless scientific studies reflect these sentiments; Eric Klinenberg, a sociologist at New York University, says that “reams of published research show that it’s the quality, not the quantity of social interaction, that best predicts loneliness.”

3. Negative self-perception

Kory Floyd, a professor at the University of Arizona, argues that “one of the most destructive effects of long-term loneliness is that it distorts our cognitions about ourselves.” He explains that “we come to believe that, if we are lonely, we deserve to be lonely and that no one will ever love us the way we want,” causing us to act in ways that are congruent with this self-perception.  This, in turn, creates a positive feedback loop; when we believe no one can or will love us, we may avoid close contact with anyone we fear could reject or hurt us in the act of self-preservation, which can lead to us feeling even more isolated. In this way, loneliness can beget loneliness.

4. Too much screen time

Staying connected on social media may make you feel less connected in real life. A study of Facebook users revealed that while social media usage doesn’t directly cause loneliness, it can perpetuate it. People who spend more time on Facebook and other social media reports feel lonelier than their peers. Why? Simply put, it can be tough to see other people being social when we feel isolated from those around us.  When our friends and family are posting joyful photos of their weekend getaways and #mancrushmondays, it can feel as though we are being left out of their lives. This, in turn, can perpetuate the problem, causing us to feel lonelier than before.

Professor Hayeon Song, an assistant professor of communication at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, postulates that there may be another reason Facebook frequenters feel so lonely. In her research, she determined that many social media users may be shy or otherwise lack social support, causing them to use social media sites to “compensate for their lack of social skills and/or social networks in face-to-face settings.”  Despite being constantly connected through digital devices, these people may not develop and foster deep relationships online.

Online counseling for loneliness

If reaching out to friends and family, finding new hobbies, and taking other steps on your own to foster a greater sense of belonging doesn’t work, it could be time to consider speaking to a professional. Regain is an online counseling platform that offers services from anywhere you have an internet connection. A therapist can equip you with the tools you need to begin to overcome feelings of isolation and work through obstacles that are holding you back from a happier, more fulfilled life. Sometimes, loneliness can breed loneliness, making it difficult to leave the house. With online counseling, you can receive mental health care from your home through video chats, phone calls, or in-app messaging. Loneliness doesn’t have to hold you back— support is available. 

The effectiveness of online counseling for loneliness

Those experiencing loneliness may also be struggling with mental health concerns like depression or social anxiety. Researchers have found that “clinical levels of psychiatric symptoms are a common, but not essential, feature of people seeking help for their loneliness.” Whether a mental illness is present or not, online counseling could be beneficial for those feeling isolated from others. In one study, researchers showed how internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy could be an effective tool for reducing feelings of loneliness, stating that “ICBT produced a significantly larger reduction in loneliness compared to people in the wait-list condition.” These results remained consistent regardless of the other symptoms or concerns participants were experiencing. 

Takeaway

Loneliness can be a challenging feeling to cope with, especially if it’s ongoing. Since feelings of loneliness are linked to harmful physical and mental health effects, it can be important to identify ways to overcome them. There are many ways to feel more connected to other people, but sometimes concerns like depression or anxiety can stand in the way. If you’re struggling to feel a sense of belonging and don’t know where to turn, a licensed therapist could help. A Regain therapist can provide online counseling from the comfort of your home and give you tools to forge a new path in your life.