I've Never Had A Boyfriend: How Do You Know If You Like Someone As More Than A Friend?

It’s common for some people in friendships, particularly long-term friendships, to become attracted as more than friends at some point. But what if you’ve never had a boyfriend, and you’re finding it difficult to tell if your feelings for someone have evolved past friendship? In this situation, it’s important to understand that even the most experienced people can have difficulty identifying their feelings. The potential for miscommunication is just as high for them, too. 

For example, Haselton and Buss’s Theory of Error Management illustrates how easy it is to misunderstand someone in the world of attraction. During their research, Haselton and Buss found that men were likelier to interpret a woman’s behavior as signaling interest. In contrast, women were likelier to think that men weren’t attracted to them. 

A person’s state of mind or life circumstances can also influence their feelings for others. For example, suppose you’re emotionally vulnerable because you’ve recently been hurt in a relationship or tend to seek romantic attention for personal reassurance. In that case, it can cloud your judgment about your feelings for others.  

So how do you know if you like someone as more than a friend—or if they feel the same? While everyone is different in how they experience attraction, there are a few common clues to look for that may provide an answer.

You feel jealous when they flirt with other people

If you feel possessive of your friend and get sad, angry, or resentful when they flirt with others, you may have deeper feelings for them. This may be particularly obvious if your friend has a significant other. If you’re overly critical of or flat-out dislike your friend’s partner but can’t isolate the reason(s) why, it might be a good idea to question your intentions. You may find the animosity you hold against the partner is rooted in your feelings for your friend. 

Your mood changes around them

If just the presence of your friend is enough to make you happy when you’re otherwise in a terrible mood, or if thinking about them leads to an outpouring of excitement and emotion, you might like them as more than a friend. Romantic feelings for someone can be complicated, and you may be left to interpret sensations of nervousness paired with longing or anticipation with attachment when you’re around your friend. In such cases, it helps to take a moment to breathe and reflect on how you’re feeling. Try to identify each emotion as clearly as possible.

You make it a point to spend more time with them than your other friends

If they’re your “go-to” person for most of the activities in your life, even though you have many other friends ready and willing to spend time with you, you may have deeper feelings for them. For example, perhaps they’re your usual study partner even though they’re not in your class. Maybe you spend time together outside of work participating in common hobbies, even though other people in your life have the same interests. Or if you’ve had a bad day, they’re the friend you turn to most because they can make you feel better in a way that none of your other friends can. Finding reasons to be alone is also a telltale sign of deeper feelings, for instance, if you attend the same party or group outing and find yourself pairing off.

You want to go above and beyond doing things for them

Whether with small tokens of your affection or grand displays of gratitude, your gestures can provide a clue. The same applies to gestures of appreciation when they do something for you. Often, the purpose of such gestures is to make the person feel special, appreciated, and wanted. When someone makes you feel more “seen” than the other people in your life, it’s worth a closer look. 

Everything reminds you of them

If you think about them all the time without a specific reason, or even the most minor things remind you of them, it’s a pretty good indicator that your feelings are more substantial than just a friend's. Pay attention to how many times a day something sparks a thought of them. For example, a love song on the radio or someone you run into on the street with the same hairstyle. Little things like that can lead to larger feelings.   

You want physical intimacy with them

Physical intimacy comes in many forms; if you like them as more than a friend, you’ll probably want to be closer to them in any way you can. This doesn’t necessarily have to mean sex; you may want to sit closer to them, give more prolonged hugs, or find little reasons to touch them. Sexually intimate dreams about them may be a more blatant sign of your feelings. If your dreams of this person are vivid and you wake up with intense feelings of attraction, you may want to examine your relationship with them closer.  

How do you know if they like you?

Suppose you’ve given it some reflection and are now confident that you like your friend on a deeper level. You may now face the challenge of figuring out how they feel about you. One of the most direct places to begin is looking at your behavior towards them. For example, if they go out of their way to be with you, get physically close to you, or take a particular interest in the things that are important to you, it may be a clue to their intentions. 

Here are a few examples of other ways to tell if your friend possibly likes you as more than a friend: 

They playfully touch or “preen” you

Preening is the concept of "cleaning up" another person's appearance through little gestures. Examples include picking lint off a sweater, adjusting a tie, and brushing hair out of your eyes. Engaging in physical touch, even on an innocent level like this, often shows an interest in more than friendship. 

They actively participate in your conversations

Physical engagement in a conversation shows an interest in the conversation and the person you are talking to. If your everyday conversations seem more intimate because they make it a point to get closer to you than usual or make prolonged eye contact, they may have stronger feelings. 

They mirror you 

From your posture to how you fidget to more prominent movements, mirroring builds rapport between two people, bringing comfort and familiarity into the conversation. It invites you to mirror back. You may notice that after a while, they also mimic how you stand and move. 

They always put their best foot forward

Do they seem to put more effort into dressing well and maintaining personal hygiene when you get together? Do they go above and beyond to be there for you whenever you need them? “Showing up” for someone is one of the best ways to show that you like them. Your friend may offer to do favors, buy dinner, or walk you home—even if it isn’t necessary. If their kindness and generosity go beyond being a good person, they may have a particular interest in you. 

Online support for navigating the dating world

Interpreting feelings between people can be challenging. If you don’t know if you like someone as more than a friend, you may ask the people in your life that you trust what they think. You may look at how your feelings manifest in your behavior. You may even search through your social media interactions to look for clues whether you hold mutual feelings for each other. 

Managing and learning how to communicate your feelings for someone clearly can be a big challenge. In these cases, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed or unsure of yourself, and you may wish to seek advice on how to proceed. Although support from friends and family is a great place to begin, some people feel more comfortable speaking with someone unbiased and not personally invested in the situation’s potential outcome.  

If this is your situation, online therapy through platforms like Regain is an excellent solution. Virtual therapy sessions through Regain can be booked according to your schedule. You can speak to your counselor from the comfort of your home (or anywhere with a reliable internet connection) via text, phone, online chat, and video chat. The direct link with a counselor allows deeper discussions about your feelings and experiences. It’s also an excellent opportunity to ask questions and seek advice on dating and intimacy issues. 

Not only is online therapy convenient, and often more affordable than traditional therapy, but it’s also as effective for helping people cultivate stronger self-esteem to better navigate the sometimes-complicated world of relationships and dating. For example, a 2020 pilot study measured the effectiveness of online therapy for treating a group of 52 adolescents with mental health issues to assist the participants in cultivating greater self-esteem. 

The researchers found that the treatment group “showed significantly higher levels of self-rated self-esteem compared to the control group at post-treatment. Further, the treatment had significant positive impact on secondary measures of self-esteem, self-compassion, quality of life, depression and anxiety. The results of this pilot-RCT suggest that ICBT can be effective for treating low self-esteem in adolescents, decrease depression and anxiety levels, and increasing quality of life.”

Takeaway

When you’re ready to become proactive and take better control of your romantic life, online counseling can be highly effective. Reaching out to a Regain professional is the first step.