Sorting Through Mixed Feelings

Sometimes, when we notice a new person we'd perhaps like to get to know, we don't necessarily have only positive thoughts. Our feelings about him may be mixed. It isn’t always easy sorting out the feelings you have about someone. There could be a whole host of things that are drawing you to him. Not all of these things may be particularly helpful or healthy, resulting in your mixed feelings. You may need to sort through all of these mixed feelings to determine whether or not you really like this new person of interest and want to pursue him.

Here are some ways to figure it all out.

Ask “How well do I know myself?” to identify your emotional state

Before you can know whether or not you like someone else, it helps to know yourself. You have to know what you like before you can know who you like. You also need to think about your values and consider what matters most in your life. It may even serve you well to objectively contemplate the way in which you’ve been behaving recently. Are you in a good place for a new relationship? 

Once you've taken stock of who you are, where you are, and what you want out of any potential relationship, you can begin to sort through all the feelings you're having about this new person you're considering getting to know better. 

Think about how well you know him

After you dig into your mixed feelings, take a moment to think about how well you really know him. Is he someone you’ve talked to and gotten to know over time? Have you just seen him around but have never actually interacted with him? Did you see his profile on a dating app and liked what you saw? If you've spotted him online, how much of a chance is there that you will ever even see him in person? Are your emotions about him as a person so intense that you can’t imagine not going on a date with him? 

Identify your emotions

The less you know about him, the less likely it is that your feelings are from real affection. Although you may feel like you like him, it might be worth knowing more about him before you pursue a relationship. After all, falling in love should be predicated on more than just base feelings and instincts such as physical attraction. Consider exactly what it is you're feeling and think about the specific reasons you're attracted to him.

Writing in a journal can help

If the question of what it is you're feeling seems too hard to answer, take some time to write about your mixed emotions in a journal. Write down something that makes you unique and different from other people you know. Write about the things that make you happy or sad. Write about these mixed feelings you have towards this person who's caught your eye. Make a list of the strengths and weaknesses you see in yourself. Get a deep sense of who you are as a person before you go looking for someone else; failure to do so may be the reason for your mixed feelings.

Consider your goals when you write, as it is important to understand your future plans so that you can eventually picture a future that includes a new relationship without any mixed feelings. Your journal should be a safe haven in which you can feel natural and properly express your true feelings—even if they are mixed—and values in an organized fashion.

Make a list

If you don’t know him very well, you might be falling in love with the idea of him rather than who he actually is. It’s quite common to dream about an ideal mate. People develop a sort of a list of characteristics and qualities they want in their ideal partner. These could be physical attributes or other characteristics you can notice right away.

However, those ideals are just a starting point. You might be drawn to him because he seems to fit your mold for the perfect person to be with. Yet, until you know him better, your emotions towards him are mixed. So, don’t be afraid to ask yourself, “Do I like him or the idea of him?”

Think about how your past emotional relationships turned out

If you’ve had romantic relationships before, think about how they went. What were the successful parts? What were the not-so-successful parts? Ask yourself if you’re interested in the current guy or if you’re trying to replace an ex you were once with, as that could be the cause of your mixed feelings. 

You might like him because something about him is similar to a guy you used to be in a relationship with. Or it might be that you’re rushing into liking the new guy because he seems so different from your ex. Either way, this may lead to trouble because you aren’t seeing him for who he is on his own merits, and this could be a contributing factor to your mixed feelings.

Consider whether friends are influencing your emotions

Your friends’ opinions can have a strong influence on you, especially if you're already experiencing mixed feelings towards someone. If they think you should get together with a guy, they may push you into thinking you like him instead of accepting your mixed feelings. They might talk about how great he is or even try to convince you to ask him for a date. Conversely, they may tell you they don't think this is the right guy for you for one reason or another. 

They may have the best of intentions, but your friends’ choices aren’t necessarily the ones you would make for yourself. Your feelings—mixed and not—are real and they should not be manipulated by the opinions of others.

Ask yourself if you're comfortable being yourself around him

Not sure about your feelings?

Discuss them with a licensed counselor