Can People Change? The Inner Dialogue Of Lasting Change

You might’ve grown up hearing phrases like, “a leopard can’t change its spots” or “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” both of which suggest that people don’t change. However, through research, we are learning that those old idioms are untrue. Despite the historical belief that people can’t change, there’s scientific evidence to suggest the opposite: people can and do change. You can change your behaviors, thoughts, work ethic, and even personality traits. Like most goals in life, though, you must want change, and you must put in the work to make it happen. 

The importance of positive self-talk

To establish a dialogue for inner change, positive self-talk is crucial. Positive self-talk is a skill that allows you to be optimistic toward yourself and speak to yourself in an uplifting way. If you want to develop positive self-talk, consider how you would talk to one of your most cherished friends or family. For example, imagine that your best friend was putting themselves down or had a problem in their lives. Think about how you would console them. Consider your response if they were to say something cold about themselves such as, “I will never succeed at work” or “I will never be able to manage money”. You might give them a pep talk and tell them that you believe in them and their success. You can do the same for yourself. 

Positive self-talk might not mean being entirely positive all the time. You can be realistic with yourself and acknowledge when you make a mistake. Still, it could be beneficial to talk yourself through it in a productive way rather than a self-deprecating one. Be honest and loving towards yourself to cultivate change. Even if it doesn’t feel natural at first, it might become more intrinsic over time. Positive self-talk can lead to a healthier mindset, and ultimately, positive change.

Neuroplasticity

As human beings, we can thank neuroplasticity for the ability to change. The dictionary definition of neuroplasticity is “the capacity of the nervous system to develop new neural connections”. That means that we can form new connections in our brains that allow us to think and react differently. You may have heard the phrase “train your brain,” and neuroplasticity explains how that is possible. Our neural connections may not change overnight, but if we think positive thoughts regularly and actively work to modify our behavior or responses, it can become more natural as time progresses.

For example, if you visit a new area, you’re not going to know how to navigate it at first. You may struggle, look at a map, ask for directions, and possibly get confused or lost. However, if you move to that new area and develop a routine there, you may find that soon, you can get to places with ease. Likely, you’ll feel like you’re on autopilot. That’s because, without even knowing it, you have developed new neural pathways that make getting around easy. The same is true for other kinds of changes or adjustments. 

Change might be hard at first. Like making your way around in the new area, you might get lost, you might miss old habits, or you might struggle and have to ask for help. You could have growing pains, and that’s okay. Consider being mindful of your behaviors and try to make the decisions that will provide the most benefit for you and the people around you. 

What makes a person want to change?

There may be two critical elements to change: a desire to change and the belief that you can change. Often, people decide to make a change when they hit rock bottom or get to a place where they’re truly sick and tired of how they’re living their life. Belief in oneself might ebb and flow, especially when you’re working to make a significant change in your life. Still, visualizing change and seeing it as a viable option can be helpful. This is where positive self-talk and other tools like cognitive restructuring and mindfulness may come in. You may not need to hit rock bottom to change. Consider that you can change at anytime.

Can a person’s personality change?

Personality may seem ingrained, but research shows that personality change is possible. A study conducted in the 1960s with a follow-up that occurred 50 years later showed that personality can change. Researchers looked at the big five personality traits: introversion vs. extroversion, openness to experience, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and neuroticism vs. emotional stability. They found that personality change can occur in all of these areas. You can change your personality by actively working on personality traits you’d like to modify, or you might experience a personality change naturally. 

Can you make other people change?

While people can change, it may be important to realize that you can’t change someone else. People have to want to change, and they have to make the conscious effort to change. This can be a frustrating realization. Still,  you can control your response to others’ behavior. If you have a friend that is rude to you consistently and your typical response is to take it in silence, for example, you can speak up and let them know that you don’t like being treated that way. When you confront them, consider using “I” statements and explaining the specific behavior that hurts your feelings. For example, you can say, “I know that you mean it as a joke, but it hurts my feelings when you call me names/say mean things about my partner, etc. Can you please stop?” If they aren’t willing to respect your boundary, it may be time to re-evaluate the friendship. Creating our own dialogue for inner change sometimes means being careful about who we surround ourselves with. Social connections are an important part of our lives, and they can influence how we feel about ourselves. It may be important to be around people who treat you kindly and respect your boundaries. People can change but remember that you can’t move anyone’s feet for them.

What holds people back from change?

Change indeed comes from inside of ourselves. That said, change may not always be easy. Sometimes, there may be certain obstacles that hold people back from change. It could go beyond an issue with their inner dialogue. If there is an underlying trauma causing someone to rely on specific behaviors, defense tactics, or coping mechanisms, it could be important to address the trauma. In some cases, working through trauma might be the only way to instigate lasting change. If you’re wondering why someone in your life hasn’t been able to change, the answer could be that there’s underlying trauma to address. If you have PTSD or have experienced a traumatic event, know that help is available and that you can get to a healthier, happier place. 

Online counseling

Establishing a new inner dialogue might take some time, but it can be rewarding. Counseling is one place to gain support during this process. If you’re working hard to change an old habit or behavior, but aren’t seeing the results you want, a mental health professional can help. With the support of a counselor or therapist, you can work through roadblocks and develop new skills to further your progress. 

Admitting that you need to change can be humbling, and it can be hard to talk about these feelings with a therapist in person. Online counseling can make you feel more comfortable as you confront problematic behaviors or other issues you might be ashamed of. With online counseling, you can also save time by skipping the commute to a therapist’s office. Instead, you can attend sessions from the comfort of your home. 

Online therapy has been researched extensively, and it has been determined legitimate. In a meta-analysis of the existing studies on the topic, researchers found that internet-based counseling is just as effective as in-person therapy for diverse populations and a wide range of mental health conditions. 

Takeaway

Establishing a healthier inner dialogue might not happen overnight, so be patient and kind with yourself while you work to make positive changes. If you stumble along the way, don't be afraid to reach out for the help of a counselor or therapist. Forms of therapy such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) are often beneficial for those who want to change their lives by changing their internal dialogue, working on goal setting, or establishing more positive thinking. The licensed mental health providers at Regain are here to help you realize your vision for the future. Search our extensive network of online counselors and find a compatible therapist today.