Apologizing To Your Boyfriend After A Huge Fight? 19 Things To Consider Saying

Apologizing can be tough, but as noted by the Association for Psychological Science, research shows that apologies tend to be fairly powerful ways to rebuild trust. However, finding the right words to apologize to someone can be a challenge. When you’re in a relationship and you've had a huge fight, how can you express to your boyfriend that you’re sorry without causing more problems or escalating matters? 

If you’re struggling to find the words to apologize, read on for a few ideas for things you can consider saying to your partner as you try to make amends. 

19 ideas for things to say to apologize

The most effective words to say to apologize to your boyfriend after a fight will very much depend on your unique situation. There is no single “right” way to apologize that will work best for everyone and every relationship, but if you’re having trouble coming up with the words, read on for a few ideas to help get you started.

I owe you an apology

Start by letting your boyfriend know that you owe him this genuine apology. This validates his feeling that he has the right to be treated fairly. It also shows that you understand that he was hurt, and you want to make him feel heard and feel understood. You are recognizing that he deserves the apology. 

There's no excuse for what I did 

Giving excuses is rarely helpful. In fact, if you are trying to justify your actions, it could mean that you are offering an empty apology. It may be an attempt to save face rather than a true expression of regret for your actions. It could even be a way to make yourself feel better. Try to avoid making excuses, and if you did something very hurtful, you can consider saying that there truly is no reason good enough to justify what you did.

I understand why you are upset

After you have hurt your partner, it is important to try to understand how your actions affected him. If he is upset or angry, you could tell him that you know why he feels that way and that he has the right to feel hurt. If you are unsure what he is feeling or why, you can ask him to explain, and say that you are eager to know and understand how your behavior impacted him. By doing this, you also open the door for him to express his feelings in his way so that you can understand even better.

I often struggle with this issue

Depending on the circumstances, if the fought has occurred partly because of something that you feel is a weakness of yours, you can acknowledge that fault. For instance, if the fight happened because he felt his opinion wasn’t being valued, you could admit that you often struggle with hearing different viewpoints, if that is the case for you. By showing that you know you are not perfect and that every partner makes mistakes, you may make it easier for him to understand and offer forgiveness.

I am so sorry I acted that way

While there are many things you might want to say, the one thing you will likely want to say in some form is, "I'm sorry." This clarifies exactly what you are trying to tell him, even if other words seem less clear. When you say sorry, in clear and certain terms, you offer him an unambiguous concept that he can understand readily.

You did nothing to deserve my behavior toward you

When you think about a fight you had with your boyfriend, it can sometimes be hard to resist pointing the finger at him. After all, it takes two to argue. Yet, the point of an apology is not to sort out the whole relationship or even that one entire fight. Instead, it is just one small part of that process. And it is a part that only you can do. No matter what he said or did during the fight, try to focus your apology first on what you did, not on his mistakes. Try to be sincere and genuinely remorseful about your actions and hurtful words.

You are very important to me

When you say hurtful things or careless words to your boyfriend, he might feel like you are not prioritizing his feelings or wellbeing. He may feel unsure if you still consider him an important part of your life. You can show him that his feelings matter by telling him how important he is to you. Maybe even try having a special date night to show that you care.

The last thing I want is to ruin our relationship

Your boyfriend may be wondering whether you still want to be in a relationship with him. So, if you do, it can be important to let him know that you do not want the fight to cause a breakup, but instead, you want better communication by expressing a heartfelt apology. You can tell him you regret having caused the tension between you and want to do what you can to preserve the relationship.

I want to work on doing better

After couples argue, it can be easy to slip back into old patterns, allowing the cycle of fighting and making up to continue. Instead, try to acknowledge what caused the fight and point out that you plan to work on that and are committed to doing better in the future, so that this fight doesn’t continue happening.

I want never to take you for granted

Your boyfriend may see your behavior in a fight to indicate that you feel free to hurt him without worrying that he will ever leave you. If you want your relationship to last, you can let him know that you cherish him and appreciate him.

I really value our relationship

You can help him feel better about the two of you as a couple, as well, by expressing that you sincerely value and cherish the relationship that the two of you have built together. Even if the fight was due to a surface issue, expressing this can be important.

I understand if it takes a while to forgive me

It could take a significant amount of time before the forgiveness is complete. And, if you demand forgiveness right away, he might feel that you are not respecting his pain and his own emotional process. Your partner’s feelings matter, and he could need time to recoup, so try to be understanding.

Can I hug you?

Sometimes there is nothing more healing for a damaged relationship than physical touch. A gentle hug may do wonders and can help to express regret and the want to repair things. Always ask first in this situation, though, so you can be sure he is ready to accept a physical expression of your love. Instead of leading with this request, saving it until near the end of the apology may also help it feel more sincere.

I understand that saying i'm sorry is not enough to fix things between us

Have you ever known someone who is constantly saying, "I'm sorry" but keeps doing the same mistake over and over again? If your boyfriend thinks you are making the apology lightly, he may not appreciate it very much. You could tell him outright that you know that even though the apology is important, it is only one part of what needs to happen to repair the relationship.

How can I regain your trust?

If you have done something that would make him not trust you anymore, you can directly and openly recognize this. Then, you can ask him what you need to do to regain that trust. Asking for suggestions on how to regain his trust gives him a chance to express his needs for healing, and it can also make it clear that you value his feelings and opinion. 

What will help you feel better about our relationship?

Another way to find out what would help the two of you get closer is to ask him a more general question. You can ask for any suggestions that would help him feel better about being with you in the relationship. Then, pay attention and remember what he says so you can work on incorporating these changes. 

What can I do to make this right?

Depending on what the fight was about, there may be something you need to do apart from your relationship with him. For example, if you did something hurtful to his friend, you might need to apologize to that friend, too. 

Is there something special I can do for you now?

As the apology is winding down, you can shift the focus to the present and offer him something that makes him happy. Maybe that would be going on a long walk with him. Or it might be watching a sports event with him. This might seem like a momentary filler, but it can allow you both to feel close again after dealing with a difficult fight.

Would you feel better if we could talk to a relationship counselor?

Relationship conflicts can be really challenging, and sometimes, the two of you might decide that seeking some additional support would be helpful. These conflicts can be hard to work through on your own, and you can find a licensed therapist who is trained and experienced in supporting couples with similar concerns. If your partner feels that the apology was not enough to set your relationship right, you can ask them if they would feel better if you went together to talk to a couples counselor. There, the two of you can learn how to communicate better, treat each other more lovingly, and improve your relationship in many ways.

Finding the time to meet with a therapist can be tricky sometimes, especially when you are trying to coordinate two busy schedules. With online therapy, you can meet with a counselor from wherever is most convenient for you, which may make it easier to slot into hectic schedules. 

Plus, research has found that online therapy can be effective for a range of concerns, including for couples experiencing relationship distress. One such study found that an online couples therapy program “was effective in significantly improving both relationship and individual functioning”.

Takeaway

Finding the words to effectively apologize to someone you care about can be difficult. If you have had a big fight with your partner and you’re having a hard time figuring out what to say to them, consider using some of the ideas detailed above to help you brainstorm. For additional support with relationship conflict and other concerns, you can connect with an online counselor for help.